by Meg Collett
“Pretty close.”
Matthew turned her to face him and tucked a piece of hair behind her right ear, the misshapen one lined in scars. His fingers didn’t shy away—instead, they trailed down the ruin of her neck. For once, it didn’t bother her. “You okay?”
Alice nodded. She was, truly. “I want to do this.”
Matthew cocked his head, a sideways, goofy smile on his lips. “Really?”
“Yeah. You said there was enough to start a sanctuary? Well, if I gave lessons, it would help supplement income. And we could probably get a lot of services donated.”
“Oh. Yeah.” Matthew dropped his hand, clearly gathering himself as if he was thrown off by her words. “I think that’s a great idea.”
Alice frowned. “What did you think I meant?”
“Nothing. I knew you meant the sanctuary.”
Chapter Nine
The next morning, Alice had the barn chores done by the time Matthew pulled into the drive. It was obviously a slow day at the practice, and he acted like he didn’t know what to do with himself when he found out all the work was done. She took a deep breath and asked, “Can you do me another favor?”
“Sure,” he said eagerly, already smiling.
“Can you drive me into town? I want to go see my dad.”
She gave Matt a lot of credit—he paused for only the tiniest second. He was always willing to help her, and he never seemed unbalanced by her requests. “Yeah. I can do that.”
“Thanks.”
“Anytime.”
Going to see her dad for a second time became one of those ideas that was nice to think about, but actually became brutal upon execution. Alice had to force herself to leave the warm cab of Matthew’s truck, where the heater sputtered out slices of hot air to ward off the coming winter’s chill. He gave her an encouraging smile that she didn’t return.
Her legs felt heavy as anchors as she walked to the front doors. Inside, the scent of fading health blasted her in the face. The nurse at the front desk looked up and smiled, her red lipstick slightly smudged and faded from a long day.
“I’m Alice Montgomery. Here to see my dad,” Alice offered, uncertain of what else to do.
“Nice to see you again, Alice! I’m Wendy. Do you know where your dad’s room is?”
The care facility was pretty small, and all the nurses knew every one of the visitors. Alice’s unfamiliarity was a painfully guilty stab to her gut. “Uh, no,” she said, blushing.
“That’s totally okay! Just walk down this hall, and he’ll be in the last door on the left,” she said, gesturing to the right. “I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you!”
“Great. Thanks.” She hurried away before the nurse said anything else.
Televisions played in most of the rooms she walked past, her shoes squeaking on the laminate floors. Finally, she made it to the last door and slowed.
Her dad laid in his bed with the covers neatly rolled down to his waist. Old country music played from a small stereo that her mother had brought from home. Pictures of Alice and Rosie lined the windowsill; they far outnumbered the pictures of her parents together. Alice had always been the true center of her parents’ lives.
Alice didn’t know if she should knock or just walk on in, so she called out softly, “Hey, Dad. It’s Alice.”
He didn’t turn his head, but he blinked at the sound of her voice. His eyes tracked her movements as she came closer. She took a seat in a leather chair beside his bed. His sheets and blanket were nice and comfortable; the quilt draped over his legs was one Alice had seen at home. The familiar lavender scent of the detergent her mom had used forever wafted up from the blankets as her dad shifted, making Alice wonder if her mom washed his bedding just so he smelled something familiar.
“Sorry I haven’t been to see you much,” she said, feeling the tears in the back of her throat. Not knowing what else to do but feeling like she should do something, she took his hand in hers. It was her scarred hand, the damaged one, but her dad didn’t seem to mind. Finally, he turned his head and looked at her, blinking dully. Smiling nervously, she realized she didn’t know what to talk about with him, so she talked about the only that had ever come naturally to her: horses.
“I’m sure Mom’s told you that we helped Matthew Weller rescue a group of horses. They were in a pretty bad shape when we got them, but Matt’s made them all better. A little girl came out yesterday to try one of the ponies.”
Alice squeezed his hand, making him blink some more. The words started spilling out of her mouth. “You would’ve liked her. Torah, the little girl, loved this pony. I guess she wants to barrel race some. Her mom asked if I could give her lessons. I said I would.”
She shifted in the chair, leaning closer to the bed. “It reminded me so much of when we went and looked at Rosie. I wasn’t as young as Torah, but it was clearly love at first sight between her and Scratchy, just like Rosie and me.”
The song changed and Willie Nelson started crooning his wayward blues, which made Alice smile. “You always made me listen to this stuff. I don’t know how you can stand it.” She laughed. Her dad’s fingers twitched in her hand. She didn’t feel the movement, but she saw it. “I always called it ‘old man music,’ which I still consider accurate. Maybe I’ll bring you in a good CD to listen to next time. Maybe some Lady Gaga?”
Her smiled slipped away as her thoughts moved on. “Matthew helped me dig a hole up by the old willow tree the other day. I buried some of Rosie’s things. Maybe that’s kind of weird, but they were just collecting dust in the tack room like I’d forgotten about them or something. At least now, they … well, I don’t really know what they do now. But it helps me to think of all that stuff up there. I wish it was her…” Alice choked up, but she didn’t swallow the tears.
She bowed over her father’s hand and just cried. Beneath the bland soap the nurses used on him was his old scent. His skin was just as leathery as it always had been, and Alice could imagine it was the same tan as before the accident if she didn’t open her eyes. When she finally looked back up, her dad’s head was still turned toward her, his eyes blinking down at her. His fingers twitched again in her hand.
She’d thought the brain damage caused by the front windshield had taken her father from her, but here he set, looking at her with his blue eyes. He seemed to listen and absorb her words. She knew he didn’t understand them or her, but it felt like on some level he did. He was here, really here. Maybe that’s why her mom still washed his blankets in their detergent, because she knew too.
“Well, sorry for being a big crybaby,” Alice laughed, trying to smile as she wiped her tears. She let out a long breath. “Matthew’s waiting outside, so I better go. Next time, I’ll borrow mom’s car so that I can stay longer.”
Driving by herself still terrified Alice, but seeing her dad and being with him now made the fear easier to overlook. She straightened out of the chair and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Prepare yourself to get musically educated.”
Alice walked down the hall with relief spreading happy warmth through her body. It had been a good decision to come see him. She’d been ready for it. When the nurse smiled at her and waved goodbye, Alice returned the gesture, feeling buoyant. Outside, the air was chilly, and she pulled herself into the cab with a huff.
“You okay?” Matthew asked, noticing her puffy eyes.
She settled into the seat and sighed. When she looked over at him, she was truly smiling, the expression pulling at her scars, but it didn’t bother her. “Actually, I’m better than okay. I’ve been missing him, and I guess I just didn’t know it.”
“I’m glad,” Matthew said, returning her smile. “I like seeing you like this.”
“I like feeling like this.”
“So what now? Back to the farm?”
“No,” Alice said quickly. “Let’s do something else. Or if you need to go…”
“Nope. I’ve got all day, and I don’t mind spending it
with you.”
He reached over and took her hand, threading his fingers through hers. Surprised, she glanced over, but he was grinning as he pulled out of the parking lot. Alice had held hands with a few guys before the accident, but being with Matthew was different. She figured by now he knew all her ugly parts both inside and out, yet he still liked her. The knowledge shifted something inside of her that felt pretty monumental. With an easy smile, she sat back in the seat and let herself relax.
Matthew lived in an apartment above some street-level businesses in the historic part of town. Inside, the brick was exposed, and the gleaming hardwood was original. Big leather couches filled all the space in the living room, which was ruled over by a gigantic television mounted on the wall. The kitchen was much humbler, which didn’t surprise Alice. Matthew didn’t seem like much of a cook. He deposited the pizzas they’d picked up on the crowded kitchen table.
From the bedroom came a calico cat. Her gait was odd and jolting, and when she got closer, Alice realized the cat had three legs. Matthew bent down and picked her up, stroking her head.
They watched movies for the rest of the day, curled up on Matthew’s big couch with his cat. It felt incredibly lazy and wonderful at the same time. They had to be back at Alice’s barn for evening feeding, but until then, they enjoyed being with each other.
For the first movie, they positioned themselves along the couch with their feet up on the ottoman. By the second one, Matthew was leaning over, slouching onto his arm, with his shoulder against Alice’s. Before the final credits had even rolled, his head was in her lap, his legs hanging over the armrest. The fingers of her left hand played through his thick brown hair, which was surprisingly wavy without his hat hiding it.
When the movie was over and it was time to put in another one, Matthew groaned. “I don’t want to move.”
“Somebody has to.”
With a grunt, Matthew pushed himself up using the armrest beside Alice. His movement put them face to face. “This worked out nicely,” he murmured, looking at her lips.
“Very convenient.”
He put his hand on the right side of her face, cupping her savaged cheek. He touched her scars a lot, as if he was constantly reassuring her about them. On some level, it was working, but it still made her uncomfortable sometimes. “Matthew,” she warned.
“You’re beautiful.”
“How can you say that?” she asked, sighing as she leaned her cheek into his hand.
“I still see you, Alice. I see the girl you were before, and I see who you are now. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I wish I could take away the pain or keep it from you somehow, but I still like you just the same. It doesn’t change anything for me.”
“How can you want to kiss me?” The words were quiet, tentative, because she wanted nothing more than to kiss him.
“Very easily,” Matthew said, smiling. “I want to kiss you and do a lot more, but I’m trying to play my cards right.”
She grinned up at him. “You’re an idiot.”
His smile fell away, his eyes going serious as he stared down at her. “They’re just scars, Alice. They didn’t ruin you.”
Alice believed his words because she knew now that he really meant them. Only Matthew made her comfortable enough to trust the things he said. She nodded.
“Are you okay with me kissing you?” He grinned again, the crooked tilt to his mouth turning mischievous. “And enjoying it?”
Instead of answering, she closed the distance between them and kissed him, her fingers going into his hair and pulling him closer.
They made out like high-schoolers on his couch. Somehow, Matthew maneuvered her onto her back with his hand up her shirt. Alice giggled into his mouth, enjoying every second. The day had turned out to be the happiest one she’d had in a long time.
The time seemed to pass in an instant, and soon it was time to go back and feed the horses. Matthew held her hand the entire drive back to her farm. Neither said much, but they both smiled with contentment, lips swollen and hair tussled.
When she went inside the house for the evening, her mom was putting dishes into the washer. She looked up when Alice paused in the kitchen. “Hey, sweetie! Have you had supper?”
“Yeah, I ate at Matt’s.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” Laura smiled at her daughter like it was the greatest thing in the world. Alice knew her mom thought she was going to turn into an old spinster. The thought made her grin because she could see herself marrying Matthew one day far in the future. He was the man she wanted for the rest of her life; the thought made everything else, like her scars and past, fade in comparison. She felt like there wasn’t an Alice of before or after with him. She was just Alice, pretty in her own way, maybe the best way, like he said.
“Yeah, it was.”
“I can tell he likes you. He watches you all the time.” Her mom raised her eyebrows. “I know what those kind of stares mean, you know. I was young once.”
Alice laughed, rolling her eyes. “Gross, mom,” she said, jokingly.
Her mom seemed to catch onto Alice’s good mood. With a cautious smile, she said, “I have some chocolate ice cream. You want some?”
The way she asked had a familiar clench of guilt coiling in Alice’s gut. She’d been closed off for so long that she hadn’t realized how far down she’d pushed her mom. In Alice’s anger and pain, Laura had been the easiest one to lash out at. Alice hated to see the way her mom was now, acting as if she was afraid of her own daughter.
“Yeah, that sounds great,” she said, sitting down at the breakfast table.
Relief turned her mother’s smile into a bright beam of sunshine on her face. She set about getting bowls and spoons before she scooped out the ice cream. They sat and talked about Matthew and the horses for a while before her mom mentioned, “Wendy said you came by today.”
“Wendy?”
“The head nurse at your dad’s care facility.”
Alice licked her spoon before she dug out another bite. “Oh, yeah. I went to see him today. Do you wash his sheets in our detergent?”
Laura blushed, looking down at her bowl. “I know it’s silly, but I think he likes it. It reminds him of home.”
“Well, I think it’s great,” Alice said. Her mom looked up at her with surprise. “I told him I was going to bring him a Lady Gaga CD to listen to next time.”
Her mom laughed, the fullest and realest that Alice had heard in a long time. Probably since before the accident. It was odd how one event in their lives had such a power over even the most trivial of things, like laughter. Or maybe that wasn’t such a small thing, Alice thought, thinking about how happy she’d felt today. Maybe it was time to start letting go and moving on so she could feel like this every day. Or at least more often than just one day in eight months.
They passed the time from evening into night talking about the past and random things. Their bowls had long since sat untouched, and the night was inky dark outside. A silence stretched out between them, and it was clear her mom wanted to ask her something.
“Alice, I can tell you’re starting to do better with … with things.”
Alice nodded, uncertain where this conversation was going.
Laura went on. “I’ve been waiting for a time like this when I could talk to you about something.”
“What is it?”
“It’s hard, because I’ve felt like I’ve needed to be here with you, to take care of you and help you … heal.”
“Yeah. Um … thanks for that,” Alice said.
Her mom smiled softly. “You’re welcome, sweetie.” Laura took a deep breath, as if she needed to settle her nerves. “You’ll understand one day what it feels like to have a child who needs you. After the accident…” Her mom blinked away the tears, looking to the side of the kitchen. She had them under control so quickly that Alice thought she’d imagined it. “After the accident, I felt like I’d failed as a mom. I didn’t keep you safe.” Her mom took another deep br
eath. “I get that I can’t control every moment of your life. Things are going to happen. I thought I’d lost you, but then you came home from the hospital to recover here with me. I thought all the bad stuff had to be over. I didn’t save you from that wreck, but I thought when I got you home that I could keep you safe and shield you. But I couldn’t. There was something that ate away at you every day, something buried deep inside, and I couldn’t even save you from that.”
“Mom, I—”
“I know that’s silly,” her mom said quickly. “But it killed me. To not lose you that day was a miracle, but I was losing you anyway, slowly and right in front of my eyes.”
“I know,” Alice whispered. She’d felt it too, right up to the day Matthew knocked on her window. It was like a shadow had replaced her life, as if she was already in the grave.
Laura’s face crumpled so suddenly that it startled Alice. Her mom’s chin trembled, and huge tears streamed down her face. She looked up at Alice and choked out, “I’m sorry I didn’t bring Rosie home. I’m so sorry for doing that to you. I should’ve brought her body home.”
“Mom, it’s fine.” Alice reached across the table and took her mom’s hand, squeezing it to emphasize her point. “I don’t blame you for that…” She paused, “anymore. It’s okay.”
Her mom squeezed Alice’s hand back. With her other, she wiped away her tears. “Thank you for that. I’ve hated myself for that decision every day. So … thank you.”
As the silence stretched out, Alice knew there was something else her mom wanted to say. “Mom, what’s going on?”
“I want to move closer to your father. You can have the house and everything,” her mom said quickly, as if she was worried she’d loose her nerve. “But he needs me, and I…” Her chin startled to tremble again. “…And I need him.”
Somehow, in all these eight months of agony, Alice had thought her mom was okay. That she hadn’t had as much to heal from after the accident. Her cheesy smile and perky attitude had convinced Alice that everything was perfectly fine. Only now did she realize that was exactly the intent, but that her mom had never really recovered from the accident, never healed.