by Vivian Wood
Hearing him saying that, being responsive to my needs, is like a knife to my guts. I flinch and bite my lip. I meet his curious gaze.
“I do want to marry you. You have to know that. There are just a few things that I have to settle first.”
Calum’s gaze tightens on my face. “What things?”
I can’t look at him, so I drop my gaze and shrug a shoulder. “I would really rather not get into it at this precise moment.”
I know. It’s a cop out. I just can’t tell him I’m pregnant. Not yet.
“Okay.” His gaze lingers on my face. I think he’s going to challenge me like he always does, but he surprises me instead. He makes it easy for me, changing the subject. “You're going somewhere, I'm guessing.”
I nod, not meeting his gaze. “Yep. Ella has had some ankle surgery and she’s recuperating in a rehab facility. So I was just going to go check it with her and see how things are. She seems pretty down.”
“Ah.” He leans against the kitchen counter.
A thought occurs to me. “Hey, is Keir still looking for a nanny?”
Calum shrugs. “Beats me. I don't know any more than you do. I can call him if that will help.”
I sigh and shake my head. “Nah, I just wondered if you already knew. Thanks anyway. I should go.”
I turn away and Calum trots a couple of paces toward me, catching my wrist.
“Hey, how about dinner tonight? Just the two of us, anywhere you want? A couple of cocktails, a little time for us to catch up… What do you say?”
My stomach feels like it's made of lead. I lick my lips and give him a hesitant nod. “Sure. Wherever you want. I should be home in a couple of hours so we can talk about it then.”
His brow wrinkles a little bit.
“Okay.” He moves in close, tugging me against his chest. He slips his fingers underneath my jaw and raises my head, angling my lips to meet his mouth. His kiss is intense but brief, leaving goosebumps across my neck and shoulders. He looks down into my eyes, the blue of his gaze more intense than I've ever seen it.
“I love you,” he says.
In that moment, my heart fucking breaks. I look up at him, trying not to tear up or let my emotions show. “I love you too, Calum. So much that it's hard to breathe sometimes. Does that ever happen to you?”
One corner of his mouth tips up in a smile. “Only with you, beauty. It's never happened to me before I met you.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him then, hard and fast. He is a little taken aback by the gesture, hugging me hesitantly back.
“Beauty…” he whispers.
I pull away, taking a deep breath and steeling myself. “It will have to wait until I get back. I promise, I won't be gone long.”
Stepping out of his embrace, I turn and practically flee out of the penthouse apartment. I make it to the elevator before the first tear falls. As I ride down, I tell myself to pull it together, to rein it in. I think that my emotions are just being amplified right now by the fluctuations in my hormones. The information I found on the Internet indicated that I would have some crazy ups and downs right about now.
I manage to get myself under control on my way out to the curb. My limo waits there for me, same as always.
God, how strange is it that I am now used to the fact that someone will drive me anywhere I want to go at any time I feel like it? A few months ago before I met Calum, the idea seemed so foreign to me.
The trip over to Ella's rehabilitation facility is relatively quick. I spend most of it trying not to think about the future, especially not my fetus’s would-be future. It's very tempting to imagine myself pregnant and shopping for baby clothes. Or even to imagine myself holding a little newborn, bouncing it on my hip and staring into it’s eyes.
But every time I catch myself daydreaming like that, I put a stop to it as soon as I can. I tell myself that I haven’t made up my mind yet.
And the feeling of cold dread grows in the pit of my stomach.
I get to the hospital that Ella is staying at and head up to the floor that she gave me when I talked to her on the phone earlier. The ward seems light and airy, opening with a big room filled with six or seven patients and their therapists who are coaching them to walk up and down the stairs or helping them with their balance as they move unsteadily along the floor.
Spotting a nurses desk, I head over and ask for Ella by name.
A minute later, I follow the very friendly nurse down a hospital hallway. She stops at Ella's room, knocking on her door for me.
“Come in!” Ella shouts.
The nurse backs away and waves me on. I smile and thank her, opening the door.
Ella is there in a hospital bed, propped up with her leg in a splint. She flips off the TV and gives me a watery smile. “Hey.”
I enter the room, my gaze sweeping the bland beige walls and plain white linens of her bed. “So this is the famous Walker Rehabilitation Institute.”
Ella wrinkles her nose. “Yeah. I had to have another surgery on my ankle so I figured now was as good a time as any to start physical therapy.”
I nod and pull up a chair to her bedside, taking a seat. “How’s the food?”
She pulls a face. “Gross.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Well, your fairy godmother has arrived. I have a limo and I will get you absolutely anything you want. You want magazines? You want Greek food? You want every shade of nail polish?”
Ella purses her lips. “Pizza?”
I grin at her. “You know it. You want Bellagio’s?”
“Yep. Veggie supreme, extra thin crust.”
I whip out my phone and place the order with the limo driver. “Got it. It should be here in about half an hour.”
She heaves a sigh. “Is the ballet company doing an interesting ballet for fall?”
I scrunch up my face. “We are doing Romeo and Juliet, remember? You were practicing it with us. It’s interesting, but heavier than what we usually do around this time of year. It's a spring ballet, if anything.”
“Oh yeah? Any word on what role you'll get?”
I rock back in my chair, giving her a long look. “I don't think that I should really be worried about what role I'm going to get.”
Ella narrows her gaze on my face. “No?”
I shake my head and look down at my hands in my lap. “No. A lot of things are happening, personal things. For one, my mother left my father. And I cut him off. That means that he will probably take his story about me and Calum to the papers any day now.”
Her eyes widened. She sits up a little and grabs my wrist. “Wait, really?”
I scrunch my face up again. “Yeah. It doesn't really matter though… Because I just found out that I am pregnant with Calum's child and he's almost definitely going to dump me if I keep the baby.”
She blinks, so shocked that it takes her a quarter of a minute to even speak. “What!? Wait, go back. You're pregnant?”
I nod, unable to meet her gaze. “I went to the doctor and everything. I am definitely knocked up.”
“Oh my God,” she says, clutching at her chest. “You're not going to… I mean, are you considering termination?”
I look up at her, my eyes filling with tears.
“I don't know,” I answer softly. “I don't think… I don't think I want to. But Calum definitely wants nothing to do with a kid. And being pregnant would end my career before it even starts.”
She exhales a shaky breath. She grips my hand. “If you want it, you should have it. I am of the opinion that if you will love that baby, then that baby ought to be born. I mean, I know that it will sidetrack your career…”
“More like end it,” I say bitterly.
She raises her hands above her shoulders in a perplexed motion. “So what?”
“Did I already tell you about how Calum feels about having a kid? This baby would not be wanted by him.”
She looks at me dead in the eyes. “If you want this baby, then you should have it. And I can't i
magine Calum letting you or his child go hungry, either.”
I wipe away a tear that breaks free and sniffle. “He's made it pretty clear that his life doesn't have any room for a baby. He is going to leave me the second I tell him.”
“You don't know that.”
My heart welled up with hurt. “I do,” I whisper. “I know him. I know exactly how he will react. He will pick a fight and create distance between us. And then he will be out the door before I can say anything else.”
Ella is quiet for a moment. “So what will you do? Will you just terminate the pregnancy, then? That doesn't seem right.”
Wrapping my arms around myself, I shrug. “No, it doesn't seem right. But it doesn't sit any better with me than breaking up what could potentially be the love of my life. I mean… I really, really love him, Ella.”
Ella opens her arms a little and beckons to me. “Come here. I may not be able to give you the answer you're looking for, but I can definitely give you a hug. And I think that you need it even more than the answer at just this moment.”
Rising out of the chair, I hug Ella. She pulls me down onto the bed and I bury my face against her neck. I cry for a few minutes, my tears wetting her thin white T-shirt. But when I finally compose myself and look up again, she smiles.
“It's going to be okay. You know?”
I give her a watery smile. “You think so?”
“I know so. Trust me.”
I laugh. “Actually, I meant to tell you earlier… One of Calum's friends is looking for a live in nanny. You have to go to Scotland, of course… But after this tense emotional moment, I'm pretty sure that you would rock at taking care of any kid.”
Ella shrugs a shoulder. “Maybe. We can talk about that later. For now, let's just hatch a plan and eat some pizza. Does that sound good?”
I give her a small smile. “That sounds amazing, Ella. I'm so glad I came to visit you.”
She throws her arm around my shoulders and I sit beside her, talking through all of my options for how I'm going to deal with my pregnancy.
29
I am in my home office, paging through a few spreadsheets about IndicaTech, when Lucas calls me from downstairs. I pick up my phone and answer.
“Hello?”
“It's me,” Lucas says. He sounds extremely annoyed. “What's with the changing of the security protocol? This guy downstairs says that I have to be invited in or some kind of nonsense like that.”
I shift in my seat and sigh. “Yeah, Kaia is still trying to work out exactly how unexpected guests should present themselves. Come on up.”
I punch a four digit number into my phone and hang up quickly. By the time Lucas comes up in the elevator, I am standing in the kitchen, brewing another pot of coffee.
He stalks into my living area and makes a beeline for the kitchen island. There he sets a smooth, perfectly rounded platinum vase down. I squint at the vase, wondering what the lid is keeping inside.
Lucas doesn't have anything to say about the vase. No, he is still hung up on my security protocols.
“So? What's with the new security guard downstairs?”
I heave a sigh and shake my head. “Kaia mentioned in passing that she has been feeling unsafe recently since she cut her dad off. And since she lives here now…”
“It sounds like you two are on again, then.”
“When were we off?” My lips twitch. “If you must know, we've even talked about the E word.”
He squints off over my shoulder. “Extrapolation? I don't know what the E word is.”
I snort. “Engagement. Apparently she does not think it's romantic when I guy gets down on one knee and hasn't actually talked to the girl in question about… You know, what his expectations are. Some kind of therapy mumbo-jumbo, I'm sure.”
“Hah! Well, at least you know. And I feel like that sets a number of things in motion.”
Leaning over the kitchen counter, I pour myself a cup of coffee. I turn and offer it to my brother but he shakes his head.
I sip my coffee and sigh. “Sometimes I think that Kaia and I speak two totally different languages. It's like she went to a handful of therapy sessions and now she thinks she has it all figured out. To be fair though, nothing that Kaia has said has been wrong…. Still, I don't like it.”
Lucas crosses his arms and leans back against the wall. “So no therapy for you, then? I thought that maybe after Anita and that whole thing you would maybe try to get some kind of…”
He trails off.
I look down at my coffee, my expression growing dark. “I don't need counseling. Sure, I overreact about things sometimes. But who doesn't? I think I'm normal.”
Lucas blows out a long breath. “I don't think that normal is really the right word for what you are.”
I look up at him with a smirk. “Not that I don't love your presence, but is there a reason that you came to visit me on a Tuesday afternoon?”
His mouth turns down at the corners. “Yeah. I came here for that.”
He nods at the vase.
I raise my eyebrows. “Do you want to give me a hint as to what that is?”
His lips thin. “It's full of Anita's ashes.”
My heart grinds to a halt in my chest for a long moment. I look at the vase… Well, urn, really. Although Anita was never once in her life the quiet type, Lucas chose a perfectly bland urn for her.
“God, she seems so small,” I say with a dark sense of wonder.
He just nods. “Yep.”
“Jesus,” I mutter. “What are you doing bringing her ashes here? I mean, of all the people that don't want to see her…”
Lucas drops his head. “Sorry. I just didn't know where to take her. It turns out that she was a witch to her extended family. They want nothing to do with her and told me to dump her remains in the trash. I just felt like…” He shrugs. “I don't know, everybody should have at least a little respect when they're dead.”
“Christ!” I exclaim. “What the fuck? What are we supposed to do with her?”
I turn around and open a cabinet, pulling a bottle of whiskey down. I pour a little into two tumbler classes and then hand one to my brother. “Here.”
He takes a sip quietly, his eyes tracking me as I pace back and forth around the kitchen island.
“She would like this, you know.” He raises his glass. “A toast to Anita. She gave us many things in our lives, most of them pretty toxic.”
I hesitate and then lift my glass. “Cin-cin.”
I take a sip of whiskey and it burns all the way down my gullet. I take a quick breath after and relish the burn.
In my heart of hearts, I know that Lucas is right. I know that this moment, the agony of having to mourn her… Anita would live for it.
“So?” Lucas says, looking at me carefully. “Rethinking your stance on therapy yet?”
I shoot him a glare and sip the whiskey again. “Nope. By the way, you can't leave Anita here. You have to take her with you. I never thought that she would ever see the inside of my apartment.”
He frowns and puts his forefinger out, nudging the urn. “I’m sorry. I shouldn't have brought her here. I just didn't know where else to go. It seemed disrespectful to leave her ashes in the car.”
“Want a refill?” I shoot the last quarter of my glass of whiskey and then pour myself another dram.
Lucas hesitates for a second then shakes his head.
“No, I don't think so. I have to figure out what the buck I'm going to do with her.”
“May I suggest storing her at those bus terminal storage lockers? That seems appropriate.” I take another long gulp of the whiskey. It doesn't even burn this time.
Lucas snorts. “She would hate that.”
I slam my glass down and look at him sternly. “Anita is dead. Who cares what she would or would not have liked?”
He gives me a careful look and finishes his whiskey, sliding the glass across the counter toward me. “I think I’ll store her ashes in a safety deposit box u
ntil I figure something else out.”
“Maybe you should just dump her down the drain,” I grouse. “You shouldn't waste another second trying to respect her wishes. Hell, who even knows what her wishes were?”
Lucas crosses his arms. “She didn’t tell you anything when you saw her for the last time?”
I shake my head. “Nope. She did tell me that she wished me a good life. Whatever the hell good that's supposed to do me.”
He purses his lips. “Anita left most of her fortune to you, in case you didn't know.”
I look down at my hands where they rest on the counter. They are trembling and I suddenly feel utterly useless.
“I don't want her money,” I growl.
He lifts a shoulder in a shrug. “So donate it to a good cause. Underprivileged kids or something. Make her death mean something good for a lot of people.”
I glance up at Lucas, beseeching him with my eyes. “Why didn't she just give her money to you? You were the golden child. I don't understand her any more now than I ever did when she was alive.”
He pulls a face. “I don't know. Clearly there was a ton of stuff that I wasn't a party to. When you told me about her little bargain for taking care of us, I realized that I would probably never understand her way of thinking.”
His smartwatch starts beeping and he looks at it, clearing a notification. “Fuck. If I don't get moving, I will be late for my final meeting with the Tokyo office.” He looks up at me. “This is the final arbitration of our agreement.”
“I’m glad to say that I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I hold my glass up to salute him. “I wish you luck. I want to say that I'm jealous but we both know that I'm not.”
“Yes, well.” He sucks in a deep breath and scans the kitchen. He doesn't appear to like what he sees. “When is Kaia getting home from rehearsing?”
I smirk at him a little. “No idea. Why, are you concerned for my well-being all of the sudden?”
He frowns. “Now that you asked me so bluntly, I think I am. I just don't want you to be alone with your grief for very long.”
I wave him off. “What are you talking about? I'm the older brother. I protect you. Not the other way around.”