by Robert Bevan
Milo lowered his arms and sighed. “My vioLET.”
Dave stood between Cooper and Milo. “Are you saying violet?”
“VioLET,” said Milo. “It’s a combination of violin and gauntlet.”
“That’s the stupidest sounding name for a weapon I’ve ever heard of.”
“That’s because you’re pronouncing it wrong,” said Milo. “The emphasis goes on the last syllable. VioLET.”
“No,” said Dave. “I’m pronouncing it right. That combination of letters only has one pronunciation. Violet. As in a synonym for purple, or a fucking flower. Neither of those invoke the kind of fear you’re going for.”
Milo snorted through his flared nostrils. “I’m. A. Poet! I combine words to create –”
“You’re a drunk asshole!”
“I’m warning you, dwarf!” Milo raised his gore-soaked arm. “I’ll –”
“You’ll what?” said Dave. “You’ll stab me with your violet? Oh, I’m so scared!” He wiggled his fingers daintily at Milo.
“Dude,” said Julian. “Take it easy, man. A rose by any other name, you know? Could still tear your face off? Is that how that goes?”
“He needs to hear this,” said Dave. He addressed Milo. “You know what your problem is? Nobody’s ever told you that you suck at certain things.”
Milo’s rage softened into confusion. He lowered his arm. “Suck?”
“You’re a lousy poet. And your comedy is terrible.”
Milo looked at Julian and Tim. “Is that true?”
Julian and Tim shook their heads.
“Dave’s crazy,” said Tim.
“I thought your jokes were hilarious,” said Julian.
Milo turned back to Dave, eyebrows raised like he was expecting an apology.
“That’s exactly what I mean! They only said that because it’s what they think you want to hear and therefore you might not kill them. Cooper, what do you think of Milo’s jokes?”
“They’re fucking terrible.”
“Who are you to lecture me on –”
“That’s precisely the attitude I’m talking about!” said Dave. “You’re so used to people feeding you false praise, you can’t take criticism. You either drive away or murder anyone who criticizes you. That’s not going to get you far in show business, especially when you go around insisting that people call you The Minotard, and then fly off the handle when they laugh.”
“It’s not funny,” said Milo.
“It’s literally the only funny thing you’ve said all night.”
“I told you, it’s a combination of the words minotaur and bard.”
“I didn’t interpret it that way.”
“How can I be held responsible for how you interpret my words?”
“You listen to feedback!” said Dave. “You are absolutely one hundred percent responsible for making your words clear to your audience. You need to understand that when you call yourself The Minotard, not one single person ever is going to think bard. When you call your weapon a violet, no –”
“VioLET,” Milo corrected him.
“NO NO NO!” said Dave. “You’re still not listening! That’s not what people hear. At best, it sounds confusing. At worst, stupid. Why couldn’t you combine a violin and a lance? A violance? Sounds like violence. Not a flower. You see where I’m going with this?”
“Hmm…” said Julian. “I don’t know. That one’s kinda lame, too.”
Milo frowned. “Not to mention impractical to carry around.”
“It doesn’t have to be that,” said Dave. “You’re missing the point. You have to stop blaming other people for how they react to your behavior.”
“Are you suggesting I change who I am?”
“If by who you are, you mean a violent, psychopathic drunk, then maybe yes. Can you really blame Morty for locking you in a cellar and dumping you in the sewer? He’s got a business to run. You’re lucky he lets you drink there at all. Can you blame Lenore for leaving? You can’t raise kids in that kind of environment. These are people who cared about you, and you pushed them away.”
Milo sighed and sat down hard on the shit-caked floor. “I appreciate your candor, dwarf. Everyone I ever loved is gone. What is there for me now but to drink away the rest of my years, alone in this sewer?”
“So,” said Tim. “Which way did you say the exit was?”
“Have you listened to a goddamn word I’ve said?” asked Dave. “You’re still making excuses to live your life exactly as you have been. You can still turn things around, but you need to make an effort. You’re an excellent musician. You have that much going for you.”
Milo looked up at Dave with his big sad cow eyes. “You’ve seen the way people look at me. They think I’m a monster.”
“That’s not true.”
“Julian?” Ravenus’s voice echoed out from the tunnel Milo was facing. “Are you down here? I’ve been looking everywhere for – NO!”
Ravenus flew into the light and landed on Milo’s head. “Run for it, Julian! I’ll hold him back!” He pecked furiously on Milo’s head, and Milo just sat there and let him.
“Stop it, Ravenus!” said Julian, collecting his familiar. “How did you get down here?”
Ravenus ruffled his feathers, keeping a wary eye on Milo. “The site of the sewer collapse is just a half a mile in the direction I came from, sir. I sensed you were in peril.”
Tim was standing behind Milo, jerking his thumb in the direction Ravenus had indicated, mouthing the words “Let’s go!” He followed that with a series of gestures including Drink, Sleep, Milo, Crazy, Jerk-off, Me, and Drink again.
“Even your bird sees me as a monster,” said Milo.
Tim rolled his eyes and did the Jerk-off gesture one more time.
“You’re a big guy,” said Dave. “You can’t change that, but you can change your image in other ways. Clean yourself up. Maybe get a more colorful coat.”
“And some pants,” Julian suggested.
“Perhaps you could invest in a violin that doesn’t double as a murder weapon.” Dave crouched down next to Milo and put his hand on the minotaur’s shoulder. “Do you know what name I see lit up above the entrance to the Grand Concert Hall?”
Milo lowered his head even further than it had been. “What?”
Dave waved up at the wall above the sewer tunnel. “THE VIOLINOTAUR”.
Milo’s head jerked up, his eyes wide and glistening.
Cooper snorted. “That’s even –”
“… better than The Minotard!” said Milo.
Cooper shrugged. “I had a different adjective in mind, but whatever gets us out of here.”
*
The sun was up when they reached the surface. Dave had hoped it would still be raining, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The only evidences of the previous night’s downpour were large, muddy puddles in the poorly maintained streets of the Collapsed Sewer District.
Rolling around in the street earned them a few stares, but it got most of the shit off. When they stood up again, they evaluated themselves to be at acceptable levels of filth, so as not to be questioned upon returning to the Whore’s Head Inn.
When the bathing was done, it was time to bid Milo farewell.
“Thank you, dwarf,” said Milo. “You have touched a part of me which I feared would never again be aroused.”
Dave could hear murmurs from the crowd which had gathered to watch the crazy people bathe in the street. He wished he was anywhere but standing eye-level to Milo’s massive dong.
“You mean your heart?” said Dave, louder than was strictly necessary.
“Of course,” said Milo. “What else would I have meant?”
Dave shook his head and laughed. “You can call me Dave. Take care of yourself, Milo.”
Milo bowed. “Fare thee well, Dave.” He turned toward the rising sun and skipped away, fiddling a happy tune.
Julian stood next to Dave, watching people scream and leap out of the way of the prancing
minotaur. “How does it feel to make a difference in someone’s life?”
“Hmph,” said Dave. “He’ll be back on the sauce in a week.”
Julian nodded. “That’s a distinct possibility. Only Milo can change Milo’s life. All you can do is be there for him when he –”
“Oh my god,” said Tim. “Can you two knock off this After School Special bullshit? I need to drink something that doesn’t taste like fermented cow snot and pass out on the floor.”
That sounded just fine to Dave. He clapped his hands together. “Let’s go.”
Julian frowned. “You guys don’t think it’s a bit early in the day to start drinking?”
“Fuck that,” said Cooper. “It still counts as last night if you haven’t gone to bed yet.”
Julian wrung some of the shit water out of his serape. “You know what? Comparatively speaking, I’m liking Milo’s odds.”
The End
If this was your first time in the world of Caverns and Creatures, please do not be alarmed. You can get some answers to your questions by reading the novels…
Critical Failures
Critical Failures II: Fail Harder
Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-Words
If you enjoyed these stories, please leave a review. It would mean so much to me.
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