I shook my head, slowly, side to side, my throat aching. Zoe had put it just right, though. The magic had all gone bad.
‘Could I have...?’ I hardly dared ask the question. I wiped my eyes and breathed out. ‘If she’d sent the message…’
‘Could you have saved her? We don’t know. It might have helped if she’d got to the hospital quicker, I suppose,’ Sandra started.
I heard Mum clear her throat.
‘But the fact is, she didn’t send the text, so there’s no way you can take any responsibility for this, Anna,’ Jenny said, her voice soft. She leaned forward and put a hand on mine. ‘She’s going to survive. She’ll be all right, I promise, so you can stop worrying. But it’ll take a long time and she won’t be going back to live with her mum.’
I put my knuckle into my mouth and chewed at it. Mum’s fingers tightened on my shoulder. It was late and I watched as one single, final, fantastic firework hissed past into the sky, leaving a lingering trail of silver sparks that floated in the air like the ghost of a bird’s wings. And something about it made me catch my breath. ‘Make them OK,’ I said, to the empty air. ‘Make them both OK. Please.’
November 6
Dad drove me to the hospital. Jenny insisted on coming in with me, to Zoe’s little side room off a long corridor. I’ve never seen anyone lie so still. If it wasn’t for the little pulsing lights around her, she could’ve been a corpse.
I sat with her for a few minutes, stroking her hand, telling her I missed her, pleading with her to wake up. A nurse watched us and smiled at me. ‘That’ll do her good,’ she said. ‘Always talk as if she can hear you.’
‘You know what you could do?’ I said to the nurse. ‘Play music to her. I can tell you what bands she likes.’
‘Yes, please,’ the nurse nodded. ‘Anything to get a response.’
I rummaged in my bag and pulled out my phial of perfume from Dead Bouquet. I waved it under Zoe’s nose. I swear her lashes flickered. But no one else saw.
I went back there the next day and the next, with speakers rigged up next to Zoe’s bed and some incense sticks from Dead Bouquet. The nurse refused to let me light them, though, no matter how much I argued with her. I ended up dropping some perfume onto a tissue and tucking it into the sheet. The scent of another of Zoe’s favourites, Something Wicked, drifted into the sterile air of the hospital room.
I didn’t know what to do, exactly. The nurse said to keep talking to her, but I kept running out of things to say, so sometimes I just sang along to the tracks, so she would know I was still there, stroking her hand, thinking how much she’d hate to see how chipped her nail polish was. The singing helped me not to think too hard. I tried not to focus on those dark shadows that loomed over the head of her bed, the grey-black, cloudlike presences that I could only ever see if I didn’t look straight at them. Zoe needed me, so they weren’t going to scare me away.
I’d been there around three hours when I felt a tiny movement under my fingers and I jumped, as if a little flame had been lit. Zoe’s hand trembled.
‘Zoe,’ I whispered, glancing backwards to see if any of the medical staff were around. ‘Wake up. It’s me. It’s Anna.’
For a long few seconds, nothing. And then Zoe jolted, as if she’d been struck by lightning, opened her eyes wide and started to cough. She tugged at the mouthpiece helping her breathe and pulled it out. She stared at me, still coughing, then swore in a sort of a splutter.
‘It’s all right. It’s all right. You’re awake,’ I gabbled, trying really hard not to cry. ‘I should get a nurse.’
‘Wait.’ Zoe tried to sit up, then let her head fall back onto the ice-white of the hospital pillowcase. ‘Don’t go. Anna, there’s… there’s something…’
‘She’s okay. Your mum,’ I blurted out, because I guessed that was the first thing she’d be worrying about.
Zoe closed her eyes and sighed. ‘Thanks. I thought…’
‘I know. You should’ve told me, though.’
She chewed her dry lip. ‘I was so scared. I’m sorry. Are you sure she’s all right? You’re not just saying it to make me feel better?’
‘No, of course not. But –’
Zoe half-sat up again. ‘Hey. Hold my hands. There’s something I want to say.’
I hesitated. I should tell her about Kerry. Could Zoe cope with the news that Kerry was missing? She looked so thin, like a bare winter twig.
Zoe gave both my hands a weak squeeze. ‘The magic,’ she began.
I shook my head. ‘Let’s not talk about that. It’s over. We shouldn’t have…’
‘No. I shouldn’t have.’ Zoe’s soft voice dropped to a whisper and I leaned in a little closer. ‘What I worked out, on Halloween night, was that you’re the one. The one with the power.’
‘I don’t know what you mean. I think it was maybe all just, you know – coincidence. Things that would’ve happened anyway.’
Zoe closed her eyes. ‘It was more than that and you know it. It went bad for me and I know why. I wanted the wrong things. I turned it all against people and it came right back at me.’ Zoe’s breathing was fast and shallow. ‘But you – you always tried to do the right thing. And that’s when it worked best.’
I shrugged.
Zoe grasped my hands a little harder. There was a heat between our fingers. ‘You’ve got something special. Me – I was just playing at it. But you have something more than that. I mean it. When we did our magic, all the real power came from you. You have…’ she blinked a wetness away from her lashes. ‘You have a good heart, I think. Not like me.’
I couldn’t bear it. My throat ached as I tried to swallow back the urge to cry. ‘Don’t talk like that. Please.’
Zoe’s head sank back and her eyes started to close. ‘Come back tomorrow, yeah?’
‘She’s awake?’ a voice bellowed. The nurse bustled up behind me and pressed a button to call for help. As a doctor rushed in, the nurse steered me out of the room. ‘Well done,’ she said. ‘You brought her round. Good girl.’
The door closed and I was left there, my head ringing with Zoe’s words. I started to text my dad, my fingers still tingling and trembling. If I’m so powerful, I thought, how come I have never felt so helpless in all my life?
22
A good heart
I couldn’t get Zoe’s words out of my head. She’d turned around everything I ever thought about us. I wanted to do anything to please her, so she would always be my cool, funny, magical friend. But for her, I was the one with the power. And what she’d said about a good heart – that sort of echoed what my dad said about me, the time we argued. And what Kerry said, lots of times. And what Luke said, too. How come everyone thought I had this thing, this good heart, when all I felt was that it got me into trouble? I didn’t understand it, but it felt, in a strange way, as if Zoe had handed me a heavy weight. I had to work out what to do with it.
Dad had brought Barney back for a while. I sat tugging at the dog’s ears, the way he likes, breathing in his smell and taking comfort from his warm body. ‘What would you do, if you knew you had power, eh, Barney? What would someone really powerful do, right now? Because I don’t know.’
Barney shook my hands away, turned his big head and licked my face. I wiped it with the edge of my sleeve. ‘That’s no help, you daft dog. What I need to do is find Kerry. And somehow… I don’t know…get rid of those shadows around Zoe. Something horrible’s hanging around her. And me. You know it, don’t you, because you won’t go in my room. You see them, whatever they are. It’s the same thing.’ I sighed and pulled him closer, my heartbeat in time with his slow panting.
And then I stood up. Barney jumped up with me. ‘Yep. We are going for a walk. Come on, boy.’
With Barney on the lead, making me feel safe, I walked the long way around to the high rises, avoiding The Cut. It was dark already and damp, with
that smell November has, of everything dying. I stared up at the block of flats, looming over Scrogg’s Field. ‘I hate this place,’ I whispered to Barney. ‘I wish I’d never seen it.’
I’d tried to put Dave and Jodie out of my mind. I didn’t want to put my and Zoe’s troubles on to them. Plus, they were out, weren’t they, on Halloween night, so probably, they had nothing to do with whatever happened to Kerry. But I reckoned someone with a strong heart and mind would ask the question, just to make sure. Barney padded up the steps with me to the ninth floor and sat on my foot as I knocked at Jodie’s door.
It took a few minutes for her to answer. I’d been about to turn away when I heard her footsteps and the lock click.
‘Oh. It’s you,’ she said and sniffed, turning away, but leaving the door open. I followed her inside.
‘You okay?’ I asked. She was wearing her dressing gown and slippers. There was a row of used mugs on the table and a pile of empty cigarette boxes. ‘Are you poorly?’
Jodie shrugged and flopped onto a chair. She had no make-up on and looked even more grey-faced than usual. ‘What d’you want?’
‘You’ve heard about Kerry?’
Jodie flashed a glare at me. ‘It’s not my fault. Stupid kid.’
‘I didn’t say –’ I paused and stared back at her. I got the clear sense she knew something, unless we were talking about two different things. ‘You know her parents are frantic? The police are looking for her.’
‘I don’t know where they are,’ Jodie snapped, reaching for a fresh packet of cigarettes and a lighter.
‘I just wondered if you’d seen… hang on, what do you mean, they?’ I waited as Jodie flicked and clicked at her lighter, waiting for a spark. My heartbeat started to speed up.
Jodie sucked for a long moment on the cigarette and took even longer to blow out a stream of grey smoke. ‘It’s not the first time he’s done it. Run off with someone else. He’ll be back.’
I pulled a fidgeting Barney closer to me and pushed him into a sitting position. I swallowed hard to get some moisture back into my mouth. ‘Dave? Are you saying that Kerry… and Dave…?’
Jodie picked up a piece of notepaper from amid the half-drunk coffee cups and the ashtrays. She threw it across the table at me. I unfolded it to see Kerry’s babyish, untidy handwriting.
Dear Jodie, Kerry wrote. Dave said not to say anything but I feel bad because you have always been kind to me. We are going away together. I am sorry if you are hurt. But I love him and I want to get away from here because I’m scared and he says he will look after me. Love from Kerry.
‘Stupid kid,’ Jodie muttered again, staring past me.
My words wouldn’t come out and I found myself opening and closing my mouth like a puppet. ‘When did you get this? How long have you known?’
She shrugged with one shoulder, like a sulky toddler. For a second, I wanted to slap her. ‘A few days,’ she said, after a silence. ‘I was nice to that kid. Felt sorry for her. And look what she did in return.’
‘The police…’ I said, still struggling to find the right thing to say. ‘Her mum…’
‘I can’t help the police. I don’t actually know where they are. Dave’s a builder. He works all over the country. What am I supposed to do, anyway? Tell the police that my boyfriend’s run off with a schoolkid? How do you think that makes me feel?’
I stood up and Barney loyally leapt up with me. ‘Well,’ I said. ‘That’s what I’m going to do.’ I started for the door, stopped and turned back. ‘You know what? You were always telling Zoe and me to grow up and look after Kerry. And you’re prepared to let her family go out of their minds and the police run around like idiots, while you sit on this –’ I waved Kerry’s note at her – ‘just because you’re feeling sorry for yourself.’
Jodie glared back at me. Then her pale face went pink and crumpled into a sob.
For a second, I wanted to put my arms around her. But it would have to wait. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, stuffing the note in my pocket. ‘It’s horrible. Dave’s evil and yeah, Kerry’s been stupid. But you should’ve said something.’
‘Anna!’ Jodie wailed after me. ‘Don’t! It’s too late! The police might arrest me!’
I kept walking.
‘It was that Zoe she was really scared of. That’s why she’s done it,’ Jodie shouted. ‘So you’re to blame too, Saint Anna! Remember that!’
I pushed Barney out of the door and slammed it, hard, behind me. Then we ran all the way down nine flights of stairs, the sounds of Jodie’s screaming in my ears.
We were still running when we reached the end of my street and my head was buzzing so much I didn’t notice Luke until he was right in front of me. ‘Hey,’ he said, holding out his arm as if he was flagging down a bus. ‘Anna. You OK? What’s up?’
I stopped and gulped in the cold air. It hurt the back of my throat and made my eyes water. ‘Kerry,’ I gasped. ‘I… I know something.’
Luke grabbed my wrists. ‘What? What do you know?’
I blurted out what I could, with Luke shaking his head and swearing. ‘So I…’ I panted, still breathless. ‘I’m taking this note to the police.’
‘Go on, then.’ Luke stepped backwards, away from me. ‘Better late than never, I suppose.’
‘What do you mean? I’ve only just –’
‘You must’ve known something. Or you might’ve guessed. How could you, Anna? Why did you let Kerry get involved with a creep like that? No – don’t say anything. I know the answer. Because Zoe is all you’re bothered about. Protecting Zoe and her weird friends, making sure Zoe’s OK.’
Luke spun around and strode away, shouting back at me over his shoulder. ‘Go and tell the police, then. Though it’s probably too late.’
I couldn’t move. Barney whimpered up at me and so, trembling so hard his lead made rattling noises, I made myself walk on. It’s funny, I thought, wiping my eyes. Everyone tells me I have this good heart. Everyone seems to admire it. Except for Luke. And he’s the only one I gave it to.
The next morning, at the hospital, Zoe was dressed and sitting in a chair next to her bed, a cardboard box at her feet.
I gave her a hug. She smelled odd, of some sort of hospital soap. I nodded towards the box. ‘What’s that?’
‘All my worldly goods.’ Zoe leaned down and pulled out a couple of magic books. ‘All the stuff that wasn’t nicked and the only clothes worth keeping.’ She held out the books to me. ‘Here. I want you to have these.’
I was about to say no, when the thought came to me that it was more important to be kind to Zoe right now than to argue about the rights and wrongs of witchcraft. ‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘But why?’
‘I’m being sent into exile.’ Zoe gave me a thin smile. ‘Some sort of clinic. Madhouse, they mean. About as gothic as you can get, though, right?’
‘A clinic? But…’ I picked up a leaflet from the bedside table for something called The Cloisters. ‘You mean you really won’t be going home?’
‘My mum’s not fit to look after me. And I’m not fit to be with her. Win-win, eh?’ Zoe was still trying to fix a sort of a smile onto her face.
A woman wearing a blue, medical-looking trouser suit came in. ‘Ready, Zoe? Had a chance to say goodbye to your friend? We should get going. We’ve a long drive.’
‘It’s at the other end of the country,’ Zoe said. She held open her arms and I fell into them, holding her as tight as I could.
‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘Don’t make me cry,’ Zoe said, with a sniff.
‘I’ll message you.’
‘No phone.’ Zoe’s voice sounded cloudy.
‘I’ll write you letters, then. Or something. I promise.’
Zoe nodded. ‘Thanks, Anna.’
The uniformed woman gently prised us apart and took Zoe by the arm, steering her towards the
door.
‘It’s not forever,’ I said, picking up the box and handing it to Zoe. ‘And when you leave this – this clinic place – what then?’
‘Who can say?’ Zoe gave a tiny shrug. ‘It’ll be… like the magic books say. A world of infinite possibilities.’
23
Chasing shadows
Back at home, I leafed through Zoe’s books. The pages still smelled of incense and I held them close to my face, breathing them in. Mum said she wished I would just put them away, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t just that they felt like my last link to Zoe. The pages seemed to be whispering to me. We had unfinished business.
I waited till Mum was out at work and then I tried to get Barney to come up the stairs with me, but as usual he stopped at the landing and set up a growl. ‘I could do with you beside me, boy,’ I said, tucking the book under my arm so I could stroke him. ‘But I won’t make you. Just sit there, OK?’
Barney sat, with a throaty whine. I patted his head and put my hand on the door. Barney whimpered again, louder, and a chill went through my whole body. But I turned the handle and pushed the door open.
I dropped the things I’d brought with me on to the bed. It was darker than it should be and it felt more than silent. It was as if something was holding its breath, listening to the thudding of my heart. Waiting to see what I would do.
I placed white candles in the four corners of the room and lit them, shushing Barney as he fussed outside. In my incense burner, I put ground basil from the kitchen and some drops of a scent from Dead Bouquet, called MyrrhMyrrh. It was the closest I could get to the book’s suggestions for psychic cleansing and protection.
Next was the hardest bit. It was always Zoe who made up our spells and I felt like I was no good at it. She was so clever with words. Mine felt a bit silly. But I was going to have a try.
I kept my voice low, to disguise how shaky it sounded and I started to chant something from the witchcraft book, with a little extra line added in, telling the presence to leave. Barney interrupted with what sounded like a sort of loud, doggy sob. I could hear him shuffling and panting right outside the bedroom door, as if he couldn’t decide whether to come in or not.
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