“If you won’t get out, then I will. I can’t look at you anymore.” Ellis about-faced and stalked off without another word.
Logan watched him, unsure of what to do. The hard set of Ellis’s shoulders said to give him a wide berth, but if Logan didn’t fix this, Ellis might never speak to him again. He could lose him again. Ice water flooded his veins, sobering him instantly.
He pulled his jacket on and sprinted after Ellis, using the angry wake Ellis left behind him to sidle through the crowd. The exit let out onto a side street. He looked around. Ellis was just turning the corner up ahead. Logan booked it and rounded the corner a moment later. He discovered the hard way that Ellis had stopped to catch his breath. They collided and fell against the face of the nearest building in a heap.
Ellis wasted no time shoving Logan away again. “Get off me.”
“Sorry.” Logan stumbled back and held up both hands in surrender. “It was an accident.”
“You shouldn’t have come after me. I don’t want to talk to you.” Ellis turned away again.
“I know, and I know I screwed up. Let me apologize.”
Ellis whirled around so quickly, Logan almost smashed into him again. “Do you even get what you did wrong? Or why it was wrong?”
“Of course. I shouldn’t have kissed you without talking to you about it first.”
“That is barely scratching the surface, Logan!”
“Then explain it to me. I’m at a bit of a loss. I thought you’d be happy.”
“Don’t even get me started on that homophobic bullshit.”
Logan sucked in a breath. “Homophobic? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your ignorant ass assuming that just because I’m a gay man, I must want you. You think I’ll fuck anyone who’s up for it? How stereotypical is that?”
Logan waved his hands. “Whoa, dude, slow down. No one said anything about sex.”
Ellis snorted. “Yeah, God forbid I bring up that, right? Since you’re so straight and all, the thought of gay sex must turn your stomach.”
“I . . .” Logan bit his lip. “I’m wondering now if maybe I was wrong. About being straight.”
Ellis appeared skeptical. “What?”
“Look, I don’t know anything for sure.” Logan took a deep breath. The cold bit at his dry lips. It was hard to think through all the emotions circling in him: panic, uncertainty, and plenty of fear. But he had things he needed to say to Ellis, and if he didn’t say them now, he might never get the chance. “I don’t understand any of this, okay? I’ve never been more confused, and I have no idea what I’m doing. But one thing is clear to me. My attraction to you . . . it’s more than an exception. I obviously have a lot of thinking to do about my identity, but continuing to claim to be straight when I feel this way about you is ridiculous.”
Logan exhaled until it felt like he’d completely emptied his lungs. Wow. He was a little lighter. No less panicked, for sure, but it seemed the key to this was baby steps. Claiming to be not straight was much easier than claiming to be gay.
“When you feel . . .” Ellis opened and closed his mouth. “You’ve done nothing but insist you’re straight all night.”
Logan shrugged. “I should’ve organized my closet, I guess. It’s remarkably difficult to find my way out of.”
“You expect me to believe you changed your mind that easily? With your track record?”
“Track record? Wait, is this about what happened when we were in school? I said I was sorry for what I did back then. How long are you going to hold that against me?”
Ellis scoffed and started to walk away again.
Irritation blossomed in Logan. “Hey! We’re not finished here.” He surprised himself with how incensed he sounded.
Ellis stopped dead in his tracks. “What?”
“You have got to stop holding the past against me! That was forever ago. I was nineteen and an idiot, and I have apologized more times than I can count. If you weren’t going to forgive me, then you shouldn’t have hung out with me. It’s not fair.”
“‘Not fair’? I could tell you a thing or two about not fair.” Ellis turned back around. “But fine, let’s forget about back then. What about your behavior tonight?”
Logan looked at the ground. “I didn’t assume you wanted to kiss me because you’re gay.”
“You said—”
“That wasn’t what I meant. I meant it more like you’re gay and comfortable with yourself, so you don’t have the same hang-up I have.”
“Then please explain to me what made you think I want this, that I want any of this. Because, believe me, I have gone out of my way to be as neutral as possible with you.”
Logan nudged a pebble with the toe of his shoe. “It wasn’t rocket science, okay? I figured that since you used to want me, maybe you still did. And you asked me if I thought you were attractive, and we were dancing, and it was all . . . hot.” He waved a hand as if he could ward off the sizzling embarrassment he felt. “I realize that’s not much better, but I swear you being gay had nothing to do with it.”
When he finally looked up, Ellis was considering him. “That still doesn’t excuse drunkenly kissing me just because it seemed fun at the time.”
“I’m sorry.” Logan started to reach for him but thought better of it. His hand hung in the air between them. “I swear it wasn’t like that. I didn’t do it for kicks. I—I meant it.”
“You don’t know what you mean.”
“Well . . . no. I admit I’m new to this, and I was clueless back in college. But in the club just now, I dunno, it was like everyone was speaking a different language but you. You were the only one who made sense, and being with you made sense. Hell, even when I thought I was straight, being with you made sense. I think, um, if it’s you, then maybe I can do this. The whole gay thing.”
Ellis gave him a weird look. “What the hell does that mean? You’re not gay.”
“But I will be if we’re together, right? I might not know much, but I know a man with another man is gay.”
At that, Ellis burst into laughter. “Oh my god. Are you fucking with me, or is that honestly what you think?”
Logan frowned. “Hey, I’m going through an identity crisis here. Don’t laugh at me.”
Ellis smothered his giggles with a hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just . . . You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
“I don’t get it.”
“It’s from Game of Thrones.”
“No, I get the reference. I don’t get what you mean.”
Ellis studied him. “So, you think you’re gay now, huh?”
“I— Well, I guess so. Right?”
“Sounds like you’re not so sure.” Ellis took a step closer. “Maybe we should test that theory.”
Logan swallowed. “How?”
“You said you wanted to kiss me before, right?” Ellis cocked his head to the side and smirked. “Still want to?”
“Um.” Logan shuffled his feet. “Yes?”
“Again, you don’t sound so sure.” Ellis closed the distance between them. “There’s really only one way to find out.”
Logan instinctively backed up until his shoulders hit the building behind him. Ellis matched him step for step, caging him in. A cacophony of emotions swirled through Logan: uncertainty, excitement, panic, and powerful, white-hot arousal. The heat spreading through him had nothing to do with the alcohol he’d drunk earlier. It was all Ellis, and the closer he got, the more intense it became.
“I’m going to kiss you now, Logan.” Ellis wet his lips, and goose bumps popped up on Logan’s skin. “Is that okay?”
Logan laughed nervously. “Are you really asking for permission?”
“Are you really avoiding the question?” Ellis rested one hand by Logan’s head and grinned in a way that was downright predatory.
Shit. That was . . . sexy. Sexy in a way he’d never experienced before. He was used to doing the pursuing, not being pursued. He could get used to this.
Ellis�
�s eyes slid down to Logan’s lips, which had parted as he panted for breath. When Ellis leaned his head in, the air hitched in Logan’s throat.
“If you don’t stop me, I’m going to kiss you.” Ellis was so close now, Logan could feel the shape of his mouth as he formed the words.
Logan managed to reply, “I’m not going to stop you.” And it was true. He closed his eyes, tense with anticipation, and waited for the touch he’d tried his damnedest to forget.
There was a beat of thick, anticipation-laden silence.
Then, in an impossibly rough voice, Ellis said, “You’re really going to let me do it, aren’t you?”
Something about his tone, the raw vulnerability in his voice, unraveled Logan. He whimpered in response.
“Fuck,” Ellis choked out.
The k sound clicked against Logan’s lips, sharp and not at all the touch he wanted. Right as a kiss surely had to follow, Ellis stepped away.
Logan opened his eyes and blinked blearily. “Ellis?”
Ellis didn’t respond. He was staring at the ground with an unreadable look on his face.
Logan tried again. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” Ellis backed away.
Logan reached for Ellis, but he shook him off and turned to leave. He spoke to Logan without looking at him. “We’ll talk about this when you’re sober.”
“But I am sober.”
“Then we’ll talk about it when I’m sober. Good night, Logan.” Within seconds, Ellis rounded a corner and vanished.
For a fraction of a second, Logan thought about chasing after him again, but he’d done quite enough of that for one night. Ellis clearly needed space, and Logan had a lot of thinking to do.
He made sure his car was in a no-tow zone and then called a cab. No matter how sober he felt, he’d still had a lot to drink. He’d pick up his car in the morning.
The cab dropped him off in front of his apartment, which seemed emptier than usual. Once inside, he poured himself some water, grabbed some premeditative aspirin, and plopped on the couch. Part of him wanted to just go to bed and think about all this in the morning, but another, much louder part was demanding to know what the hell he thought he was doing.
“Being an idiot, apparently.” He took a big gulp of water and let his head fall against the back of the sofa. Snippets from the night came rushing back to him: the feeling he’d gotten when he’d first seen Ellis, dancing with him, Ellis’s lips skimming his ear, the heat of him . . .
“Fuck.” He rubbed his eyes with a hand. “I am really attracted to him.”
How had he buried it for all these years? He must be a special kind of dim. Scientists could classify his brain as a new opaque material.
He sighed and sipped more water. There were some things he needed to come to grips with. He was attracted to Ellis. Check. He’d said being with him meant being gay, but Ellis didn’t seem to think that was true. What was it that Ellis had said to him before? When he’d joked about being ninety-five percent straight?
“Or you’re one hundred percent bisexual.”
Logan wasn’t really sure what that meant. Like, he knew the term, of course, but he’d always heard it said that bisexuality was a fad. Something teenagers were doing for attention, around taking selfies and acquiring back-breaking student debt.
Assuming that wasn’t the case, and he really was bi, or gay, or whatever, was his whole plan ruined now? Since childhood, he’d thought he’d meet a girl, settle down, and have a family just like the one his parents had. Being gay wasn’t a part of that plan. Could he let a chance encounter at a coffee shop derail his whole life trajectory?
“I could stay like this forever.”
Yes. Yes he could.
But he was getting ahead of himself. Just because he liked Ellis didn’t mean things were going to automatically work between them. They might date for a couple of weeks only to discover they had zilch to talk about. First, they needed to figure out if they were still compatible. Ellis’s chaotic lifestyle was incongruous with Logan’s structured existence.
Plus, there was another complication. He had no idea what Ellis wanted from him. Last he checked, Ellis was pretty pissed at him. There was no point in speculating about a relationship that could very well never happen.
Ugh. This was starting to be too much for him. He needed advice. Could he . . . talk to his sisters about this? Abby had told him he could come to them, but about this? If he told them, they would know, to state the obvious. Then again, he was closer with his sisters than anyone else. There wasn’t anyone at work he felt comfortable talking to about this—even Jennifer—and his little black book was mighty empty these days. He was pretty sure Abby and Rachel wouldn’t tell their parents . . . Oof. That was another fear he was going to have to hurdle over.
This was ridiculous. They were his sisters. Who else could he trust to love him no matter what?
He checked the clock. It was nearly midnight, but it was also Friday. Chances were they were still up. But what would he say to them? “Hey, so news flash: I think I’m gay. Also, I’m head over heels for a guy who might hate me. Any advice for how to woo someone you keep accidentally screwing over?
Panic lanced into him like a hot knife. And not just at the thought of Ellis’s wrath. Could he really come out to them? His brain scrambled away from that idea as if it were contagious. It wasn’t as if he thought they’d be unaccepting. His sisters had marched for gay marriage, and their parents, despite all the literal straight talk, had taught them to be accepting of all orientations and identities. But once he told them, there was no going back. He’d be the family queer for life. The gay cousin. The black, sequined sheep.
Or would he? Could he take it back if he and Ellis broke up? Could he go back to being ninety-five percent straight? Why was that so much more comfortable to him than the idea of being bisexual?
He knew the answer to that. It started with an h and ended with him being a giant, prejudiced dick. He had some serious reflecting to do.
Maybe Ellis was right. Maybe he was kidding himself when he said he wanted to be with a guy. He’d spent twenty-three years thinking he was straight. Could one guy undo all of that?
He wasn’t sure. This was exactly the sort of thing he usually consulted his sisters about. From the college he’d attended to the first car he’d bought, he’d never made a major life decision without consulting them. He wasn’t about to start now, no matter how scared he was.
After downing his water and pouring some more, he called them before he could change his mind. Rachel picked up on the fourth ring. Logan could hear music pounding in the background.
“Hey, it’s me. Is Abby with you?”
“What?”
He attempted to shout over the noise. “I said, ‘Is Abby with you!’”
“Ya know, if ya want Abby, ya might try calling, oh, I dunno, Abby’s phone.”
“I’m trying to reach both of you.” He paused. “Have you been drinking? You’re slurring.”
“I do what I want, lil bro!” There was some sort of whooping sound, which answered Logan’s question better than any confession could have. “Hold on, I’ma turn the music down.”
Logan waited patiently while the noise muted only to be replaced by the sound of scuffling and muffled voices. After a minute, Abby’s voice came over the line. “Hello?”
“Hey, can you put me on speaker?”
“Sure. Everything all right?”
“Yeah, sorry to interrupt your night. I needed to talk to you. Are you guys having a party or something?”
“No, I made the mistake of showing Rachel Practical Magic last week. She’s been obsessed with the idea of midnight margaritas ever since.”
There was a sharp whirring, which must have been monstrously loud in person if Logan could hear it over the speaker.
“Hold on for a second.” Abby’s voice grew distant, as if she’d moved away from the phone. “Rachel, do not use the blender when you’re drunk.
You made enough margaritas to tank an army.”
The buzzing stopped, and a second later, Abby returned. “Sorry about that. It’s funny how two sisters can handle liquor so differently.”
“How much have you guys had?”
“Enough. Let’s just leave it at that. So, what’s up?”
Logan hesitated. “Um, I really wanted to talk to both of you, but if Rachel’s wasted . . .”
“I’m here!” Rachel’s overly loud voice proclaimed. “I’m here, I swear. I wanna know what’s going on.”
“Rachel, you don’t have to press your mouth to the phone. It’s on speaker.”
“But I dunno if he can hear me.”
“Connecticut can hear you, sweetie. Sit down.”
There was more rustling, and then things quieted.
“You good?” Logan asked.
“We’re good,” Abby affirmed.
“Proceed,” Rachel intoned before breaking out into giggles.
Logan sighed. This was far from how he wanted to do this, but if he didn’t do it now, he was guaranteed to chicken out. “Do you guys remember the other day when I said I ran into an old friend?”
“Yeah. Are you ready to admit it’s a girl now?”
“No, because it’s not a girl. It’s this guy I went to college with.”
“Ya mean Ellis?” Rachel asked.
Logan nearly dropped his phone. “How the hell do you know who Ellis is?”
“Oh please. For like six months he was all ya ever talked about. Abby and I had a bet going that you two were gonna b—”
Static erupted over the line, and Logan suspected a power struggle for control of the phone was occurring. Abby must have emerged victorious, because she said, “What our inebriated sister here is trying to say is that out of all of the friends you’ve had over the years, Ellis is the one that stuck with us.”
“Why though?”
“Well, you were kind of obsessed with him for one thing. You were always going on and on about how cool he was and how he had the best taste in music and he knew all these things about art and philosophy. You copied every move he made. And then out of nowhere—” she snapped her fingers, or at least that was what it sounded like “—poof. He was gone. I remember it perfectly. You came home for summer break, and when we asked about him, you acted like you didn’t know who we were talking about. Which was bullshit, of course, but we didn’t want to pry.”
The Other Five Percent Page 9