by Amanda Doyle
She was, too. Quite back to normal. She tested her weight on the lightly bandaged ankle and was pleased to find that it did not pain her any longer.
‘I’d better get him, all the same. Elspeth’s gone to feed the hens.’ Magda sounded anxious. Her eyes were round with a sense of responsibility.
‘No, don’t do that, Magda. Look, I’m as right as pie now. I could dance and sing and skip, if it would show you, but they’d probably think me too silly for words if they heard me!’ She took a few tentative paces, relieved to find that she could walk quite normally, without the lightheadedness that had plagued her before, although she still felt a little weak.
‘Ash wouldn’t think you were silly. He’s been awful worried.’
‘Awfully, not awful,’ corrected Rennie automatically. ‘Has he? Been worried, I mean? I’m sorry, darling. What a lot of bother I’ve caused, haven’t I?’
‘Well—’ Magda hesitated—‘it wasn’t Ash who had the bother, anyway, Rennie, so he won’t be angry with you, even if I do tell him, see.’
She gave Rennie a cherubic, comforting, blandly innocent smile.
But there were implications in that innocent assurance of little Magda’s, weren’t there? And the implication, surely, was that someone was angry, or had been angry, even if it hadn’t been Ash. And the someone who was most likely to have been angry was the someone who had had the bother. And, thinking in that logical way, her reasoning brought her back to Chad.
‘Was he very angry—Chad?’ she asked the little girl directly. She might as well know the worst!
Magda stood up and put her feet together and her hands at the sides of her red cotton shorts, as if she were about to recite a lesson—and in a way that was just what she was about to do!
‘Chad says,’ she began importantly, ‘that if I’m ever bushed, the right thing to do is to stay in one place. Chad says I’m to stay right there and wait, because he and Harry can follow my tracks and find out where I’ve gone. He said the rain nearly beat them, and washed some of your tracks away, see, and it was a while before they could pick them up again, and that’s how they didn’t find you quicker. But he said if you’d stayed where you were, it wouldn’t have taken them nearly so long, and you’d have been in better shape. That’s what he said—in better shape. And Chad said while you’re staying where you are and keeping in good shape you can send out a signal, like lighting a fire or something if you’re a grown-up and if you’re careful, very careful, where you do it, and then they’ll see the smoke, see? And if you aren’t a grown-up, you just stay there, and every now and then you holler, good and loud. And Chad said, even that way, just sitting there, he and Harry’d most certainly find you. Chad said there are all sorts of things you can do, too, if you know how, like getting grubs to eat from under the bark, and water from a horrible frog that carries it about inside him, and digging down at the channel-beds where everything looks greenest, only you may have to dig quite deep, and Chad says that even putting a pebble in your mouth and sucking it helps, because it keeps the sal—sal—what was the word he said again?—’
Rennie could scream! She would, if she stayed here a minute longer, listening to all the things Chad said she should have done!
‘I’m going to shower and freshen up,’ she interrupted Magda brightly, fastening her kimono over her pyjamas as she spoke. ‘And after that I’ll dress, and we’ll go and tell Ash I’m up.’
She put on her pretty lemon shift with the white saddle-stitching, and spent a long while brushing the tangles out of her long, straight blonde hair, and then she spent some more time—quite a bit more time—in making up her face, rougeing away the unnatural pallor that lingered as a result of her recent experience. She wanted to be looking her best, her prettiest, in order to face Chad. The knowledge that she was looking just as beautiful as possible would help to give her confidence. It would act as a defence against his possible ire, because there was every chance that he might still be very angry. That was why she took so long, winged her brows with the tiny comb, painted in her pale rose mouth with extra care, darkened her curling lashes with her brown mascara-applicator, smoothed and shaped her nails where they had become ragged from groping in the sand, tinted them with pearly-pale varnish. A tiny dab of perfume at ears and throat, and Rennie decided that she was ready.
She stepped out of her room on to the veranda, and then walked along it, around the corner, to Ash’s office. He was there, as she had guessed he might be, surrounded by the usual pile of papers, letters, documents. He looked up in surprise as she entered, and then his eyes kindled with genuine pleasure as he came over and took her hands in his.
‘Rennie, how good to see you up!’ He gave her an almost paternal inspection. ‘How do you feel now, my dear? Better? I must say you look it, anyway.’
‘Much, much better, Ash—quite myself again, thanks. I—I’m terribly sorry to have been such a nuisance.’
‘Not a nuisance, Rennie, but we were very anxious about you.’ He placed a chair for her. ‘We won’t even talk about it, though. Try to put the whole experience right behind you, and forget about it. It really is pleasing to see you fully recovered!’ He beamed at her. ‘Elspeth will be as glad as I am that you are on your feet again. Chad, too, when he comes back.’
‘Back? You mean, in for tea?’
Rennie felt a tiny sag of disappointment that Chad was not actually about the homestead, when she had groomed herself for the meeting she was half dreading, half longing for. What a painful thing one-sided love could be, when you were prepared to accept even the humblest crumb of attention from the loved one with a gratitude that was out of all proportion to what you could expect to receive! That’s how it was with her! The merest glimpse was better than no sight of him at all, the possible lecture she might receive was better than no word!
‘No, not for tea. He’s away.’
‘Away?’ Rennie blinked.
‘That’s right. Probably for another ten days or so.’ Ash lit a cigarette, leaned back. ‘You remember,’ he continued conversationally, ‘I mentioned it to you before your—er—illness. Perhaps you’d forgotten. They’re mustering the Dilloo Outstation. The men are all out there, and Chad followed just as soon as he’d brought you in the other day.’
‘Oh.’ Rennie blinked again. It was hard to take in what Ash had just told her, hard to believe that Chad had simply dumped her on her bed and gone away, that he hadn’t even waited to see if she would recover, that he cared so little!
She had gone quite pale as she leaned back limply in the chair, scarcely able to accept what she had just heard. A good thing she had put on that blush-tint and the lipstick, for she knew the colour had drained right out of her cheeks.
Ash, luckily, didn’t seem to notice.
‘Yes,’ he was saying, ‘Elspeth and Magda and I have all been keeping an eye on you, taking turns, since Chad left. Fortunately, these were just scattered thunderstorms that time. They brought a couple of creeks down a banker, but they won’t have interfered with the muster, and we were needing the rain badly, even though Chad and Harry were cursing it at the time they were out looking for you. But there—’ Ash stood up—‘we aren’t going to talk about that any more, are we? Come and we’ll find Elspeth, and let her know the patient is completely mended!’
She managed a wan smile, followed him obediently, but, inside herself, she was crying. Just a lost object that had to be found before he could get on with the job in hand—that’s all she meant to Chad, that was all he thought of her! She felt belittled, humiliated, hurt beyond words. She felt cheap. Ashamed of herself and the way she had prettied herself up just now, in a pitiful bid to catch the attention, earn the admiration, of a man who thought so little of her as that! Oh, Rennie, where is your pride? How much lower can you sink?
‘Eat up, Rennie. You’re just picking at your food.’
‘I’m sorry, Elspeth. It’s delicious, truly. It’s just that I’m not hungry.’
‘You’re still looki
ng peaky, I reckon.’ That was Ash, chiming in.
They meant well, she knew that, but their solicitous attitude only increased her misery.
Rennie stuck it for three days, and then she admitted the truth. She couldn’t go on like this. Couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Chad again, knowing how little she meant to him. If she had to go, she’d rather go now. In fact, it was imperative that she go now, before he came back at all, otherwise her heart might break right up into little splintered fragments, and she might never manage to put the pieces together again. And she couldn’t afford such a thing as that to happen, because there were all those years and years to be got through, to be lived out somehow, without Chad. Seeing him again was only going to turn the knife, cause fresh agony. At least she could save herself that! She couldn’t go on grovelling like this to be noticed, when all the time it had been made clear to her that he was in love with another woman!
In Ash’s office once more, she couldn’t think how to say it without saying it.
‘Ash, I want to leave,’ she blurted out.
‘What’s that, Rennie?’ Dear old Ash, she had really startled him. He appeared quite shaken.
‘I want to leave, Ash. I’ve got to go,’ she clarified, somewhat desperately.
‘My dear, I don’t understand. What are you saying?’
‘I want to leave Barrindilloo, Ash. I want to go now. Today, if possible. Please can you arrange it, Ash? Please! Please!”
Rennie was gabbling. She must have sounded slightly hysterical, because Ash got up quickly and came around the desk to put a hand on her shoulder.
‘Has something happened? You don’t know what you’re saying?’
‘I do, I do. I want to go, that’s all. I’m going anyway, aren’t I, soon? Magda’s happily settled, isn’t she, so I was going to leave soon anyway, wasn’t I?’
‘Exactly, Rennie,’ Ash agreed concisely, ‘so what’s the great hurry?’
‘I want to go now, Ash, please.’
Ash pulled at his lower lip. ‘You’ll need to wait until Chad comes back, Rennie,’ he pointed out reasonably. ‘He’s the boss, you know. He makes the decisions around here. We’ll need to wait for him.’
‘No! No, we needn’t, Ash, truly. He won’t mind, I know he won’t. You could fly me out, couldn’t you? The plane’s there, all ready. I know you can fly a plane, because you told me so, remember? You used to fly one at the other Sandasen place—that other property—Koontilla, you said. You said you used to fly one there. Please take me out, Ash.’ She was begging now, imploring. Even with her eyes, she was beseeching him to do it.
Ash shook his head slowly, shook it from side to side.
‘I couldn’t do that, even if I were to agree with you about it, which I don’t. I haven’t flown for years, and never a twin-engine like Chad’s out there. It’s a different technique entirely. I’ve never mastered asymmetries, and if we happened to have an “engine out” we could be in real trouble. Chad wouldn’t thank me for ditching his plane, or for breaking our necks, either! Anyway, I haven’t a licence any more. Straight away I’d have the D.C.A. breathing down my neck if I took an aircraft up now.’ Again he shook his head. ‘It’s best to wait till Chad gets back, Rennie. It’ll only be a few more days, after all.’
Rennie’s eyes were wide with quite desperate appeal.
‘Please, Ash. I can’t wait till then.’
‘But why, my dear girl? What possible difference does a few days make?’
Ash was being soothing now. He was looking at her perplexedly.
‘I want to go before Chad comes back,’ she had to confess, in a tight little voice, and she was by now very, very pale.
‘Why, though?’
How stubborn Ash could be when he wanted, how terribly persistent!
‘Because I—don’t want to see him again,’ Rennie whispered—and then she sank down on the chair and covered her face with her hands.
For a time there was silence. Everything in the room was quite still.
‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’ Ash spoke so calmly that Rennie’s head came up in surprise.
‘H-how did you know?’
Ash patted her shoulder, gave her a kind, fatherly smile which was also vaguely apologetic.
‘My dear, I’ve no wish to pry, but it was easy to guess. I realized it when you were dancing with him the other night. You aren’t the first woman who’s looked at him that particular way. It was there, in your face.’ A pause. ‘I’ve been married myself, remember, Rennie. I’ve a daughter not much older than you. I didn’t come down in the last shower, you know. A man gets to recognize the signs.’
‘Oh, Ash!’ In a way, it was an enormous relief, now that he knew. Now he would understand. Now he was bound to help her to get away, wasn’t he?
‘You will, won’t you, now you know how I feel?’ She had forced herself to confide in Ash a little more, in order to persuade him.
‘I suppose I could drive you to Meridian in the Blitz,’ he agreed reluctantly. ‘Would that do?’
‘Yes, that would help. I could make my way from there quite well,’ she said eagerly.
‘And what about afterwards, Rennie? What will you do then?’ He fingered his chin unhappily. ‘Will you contact your friend Stamford, or what? You don’t know anyone down there, really, do you? You can’t just go off into the blue.’
‘Yes, I can. I’ll be quite all right. I shan’t see Keith again, not now, but I can take care of myself. I’m quite used to that. I suppose I shall g-go back to England.’
Away from this place, which she had come to love as she loved its master. She wouldn’t be one of the ones who came back, one of the ones who ‘crossed again’.
‘Could we go today?’ Rennie pressed him.
‘Today! What about Magda?’
‘I’ve been thinking about that, too. I think it’s best if I say I’m going to the city for a few days. Chad can break it to her that I won’t be back, once I’m gone a while. I mean, he was going to have to do that anyway, wasn’t he, quite soon? It was going to crop up some time.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’
‘I’ll go and pack, Ash. It won’t take me long.’ There were tears in her eyes—tears of gratitude. Impulsively, she reached up and kissed him on the side of his kind, worried face. ‘I’ll never forget what you’re doing for me, ever.’
‘I’ll go and check the Blitz and fill the jerry-cans.’ He sighed, and followed Rennie out of the office with a marked lack of enthusiasm.
It did not take Rennie long to put her clothes into her case, but Ash seemed to take ages out at the garage. Or maybe he had gone to change his clothes. Murtie had told her that Meridian was the nearest town, but she had no idea how big it was, or if it was an important centre. It didn’t really matter, anyhow, just so long as she got there.
She had to curb her impatience when Ash told her that they would leave after lunch. Elspeth had half prepared it, and they had a long drive ahead of them, so it would be better if they had a meal first.
All through that meal he appeared preoccupied, so thoughtful that he made little attempt at conversation. A frown furrowed his brow as he ate in silence. Rennie felt guilt gnawing at her. Poor Ash, it was obviously on his conscience, what he was about to do. It was worrying him!
When they got up, he gave a wry smile. ‘Well, Rennie, this is it. We’ll need to hit the track, I reckon. We’ve just time for a farewell drink before we go.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘Where shall we have it, here or out on the veranda?’
‘I don’t think I want anything, thanks, Ash. We’ve just had lunch, haven’t we?’
‘Yes, I know, but we’ll have one all the same. We’ll be thirsty enough soon, and it’s luck for the road, Rennie. It’s the custom out here, you know, when friends depart. One likes to wish them well—wish them happiness—courage, too,’ he added gently. ‘I want one myself, so you mustn’t be the one to break an old bush tradition. What’ll it be? Whisky? Brandy?’
/> She wrinkled her nose. ‘Not spirits, Ash.’
A beer, then. I must say I could do with one! Two nice cold beers.’
He grinned with such enthusiasm that she really hadn’t the heart to argue as he disappeared in the direction of the fridge, and presently came back to the veranda carrying a tray with a couple of tall, frothing glasses on it.
Ash passed her one, took the other, and set the tray on the floor beside his chair.
‘I didn’t fill your one quite so full,’ he pointed out, as he raised his glass to her. ‘Well, Rennie, this is one farewell drink that I wish wasn’t necessary. I’m really sorry that you feel you have to leave in this way. Here’s all the best, anyhow, my dear. We’ll drink to future happiness, will we and may all the present troubles soon be past! Bottoms up!’
He smiled encouragingly, dear kindly old Ash, and she smiled bravely too, and kept pace with him as he downed his beer. It was pleasantly cold, and at the end of it there was still a tiny piece of ice left in the bottom of the glass, which she slipped into her mouth and allowed to dissolve.
‘Ah-h!’ he sighed appreciatively, leaned forward and put the empty glasses back on the tray. ‘Now, you just sit there, Rennie, while I go and get the Blitz. I’ll bring her round to the front when I’m ready. I’ll give you a shout when it’s time to say goodbye to Elspeth and Magda. O.K.?’
‘Yes, all right, Ash.’
She relaxed against the canvas back of the deck-chair as he went off, and stared gloomily out through the gauze.
In front of her, beyond the veranda rail, were the sweeping lawns, the beds of canna and portulaca, the shrubberies, the tall ornamental trees that shaded the path. Barrindilloo. Home. Chad’s home, not hers. Soon she would be leaving here. Any minute now. Leaving for good. For ever. Soon. Just as soon as Ash came back. What a long time he was taking at that Blitz! Not that she minded really. It was quite pleasant lying here in this deck-chair. They were surprisingly comfortable things, deck-chairs, if you got right down into them, like this. You could almost sleep like this.