Sincerely,
Jessica
October 20, 2000
Dear Mr. Logan,
My full name is Jessica Alison Keeler. My sister Maggie is two years older than I am. Sometimes people think we are twins. I had a brother too but he died when he was a little baby. I don’t remember him but I get sad when I think about him.
Sara was a really good babysitter. Maggie and I both liked her. She was really pretty and she let us do our own thing. Once she let us watch Candyman because it was on TV and she got in a lot of trouble with our mom because Maggie got nightmares. I didn’t. I like scary stuff.
Maggie was the one who told me about Sara. My mom didn’t. I think she was hoping I’d kind of forgotten about her, and that I wouldn’t someday be like, “oh hey what happened to that cool girl who looked after us” and she’d have to say “oops, sorry, forgot to tell you, some dude killed her.” Maggie found out from her sister’s friend who went to a college close to Sara, which is how she also found out about you. They did a big vigil for victims of male violence or something?
Maggie came into my room and closed the door behind her. She sat on my bed and held both my hands in hers while she told me. She seemed like she was about to cry but she didn’t, and neither did I. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. Sara was cool but it’s not like I knew her so well. The interesting thing was Maggie acting like a big sister, or like she saw some big sister act in a movie, saying stuff like you have to be careful, it’s a scary world out there, and I was like … I’m aware, thanks?
You asked if I am lonely. I never thought of it before but now I think you might be right. I do not think I am a freak but I think most other people would if they knew anything real about me. So I have friends but not really. But no I don’t want to hurt anybody not even animals. There was a boy in my elementary school who tied a firecracker to a dog’s tail. When I heard about it I cried and threw up. Here are my questions for you:
1. When you were a kid, what did you think you would be when you grow up?
2. What is it like to kill someone?
3. Do you ever get bad dreams?
Sincerely,
Jessica
December 2, 2000
Dear Mr. Logan,
I go to a catholic school that is girls-only and super strict. It costs lots of money so I’m supposed to be grateful to be there but I absolutely am not. The nuns act like if you have even one moment of fun in your whole life you will go to hell.
I’m on the soccer team but it’s JV so no one cares not even us.
Teenage girls are supposed to have best friends. In the movies but also in real life. There’s always one girl who leads, and one who follows. One who knows just a little bit more about the world generally, and she shows the other one how it’s done. I don’t have a best friend. I have some girls I call if I need help with homework and that’s really it. When we were little I think Maggie was my best friend. But as she got older my mom made her look after me more and that probably sucked.
If I had a best friend, I would probably tell you that she dared me to write to you. And then when you wrote back we would read them together, in secret.
What were you like when you were a teenager? I bet you were one of those kids who never did any work but still got kind of good grades.
I have a lot of dreams about getting pushed down the stairs. I don’t know why.
Do you ever feel sorry for the girls you killed?
Sincerely,
Jessica
December 22, 2000
Dear John,
You’re right I will be getting my driver’s license soon. Hopefully! It took Maggie like three times to pass her test, the big idiot. Anyway when I do I could MAYBE come visit you but I don’t think so because it’s far away and also my mom would freak out. Sorry.
I’ve been hanging out with this guy Derek. I think you would like him because he’s really smart. Not smart like takes a bunch of advanced math classes or whatever but just gets stuff not everyone gets. I even told him about you. He asked if he could see your letters and I said I would ask you first. So can I?
Derek’s sister Caroline is on my soccer team. He came to pick her up one day and we talked a little bit. He used to go to a college in Iowa but got kicked out for doing “too much acid, not enough homework”—his words. Now he’s at community college. Caroline has always been my least favorite team member, always trying to make us wear ribbons in our hair for matches like we’re fucking cheerleaders, so it surprised me that her brother was cool.
He offered to give me a ride home. Caroline sat in the backseat talking about whatever the whole time so it wasn’t exactly romantic but I could feel him looking at me. That felt really good.
I have only kissed one person, at summer camp, a guy named Fred. After we kissed Fred said to me, “wow you really suck at this” which was a) mean and b) now that I think about it, actually HE was the one who sucked, using his tongue like it was some kind of a weapon.
I guess you can’t really see it in the picture I sent you but my hair is super long, down to my waist! I brush it 50 times in the morning and 50 times at night.
Best,
Jessica
January 3, 2001
Dear Mr. Logan,
I told you, I’ve only ever kissed one person. There isn’t even anything else to tell. And if there was I probably wouldn’t tell you. Sorry!
When I was in elementary school one day I heard about a girl at the high school who hit a little kid with her car and he died. They arrested her while she was sitting in class. That story scares me so bad. I’m so afraid I’ll do something terrible without meaning to and my whole life will be over. Does it make me a bad person that I feel bad for the girl who did it but not really for the little boy? Anyway that’s my biggest fear. I don’t like spiders either hahaha.
I won’t show Derek your letters if you don’t want me to, I promise, but I think he would find them interesting, like I do.
Best,
Jessica
P.S. I LOVE that picture you drew me. I think it’s so cool how much you do with only ink and paper—is that all they let you have in there? But I could really see the cliffs and the waves and everything. And even though the girl you drew is prettier than me, I still think it’s really nice, and I folded it up into a really small square so I can put it in my pocket and carry it everywhere.
January 15, 2001
Dear John,
Last night, Derek took me to a party. I told my mom I was going to Caroline’s to watch a movie and she was of course so delighted at the idea of me having a friend to hang out with that she didn’t do much investigating.
The funny thing is when I met Derek I thought he was the coolest guy on the planet earth, just because his hair is long and he was wearing boots, and I’m so used to guys in like basketball shorts or whatever. Actually I’m not used to guys at all, that’s possibly my whole problem. But when we got to this party it was a whole room full of dudes that looked like Derek. It was like something out of a weird dream. There were only two other girls in the room. Right after they told me their names I forgot. They were kind of pretty, in a druggy way. I think they are like Maggie’s age or maybe a couple years older. You know how I said teenage girls always have best friends? I could tell right away that’s what those two are, leaning into each other, playing with each other’s hair, like all the boys were just extras in a movie about them. Looking at them made me so lonely I wanted to die. I think Derek could tell because he moved me so that I was sitting on his lap like a little kid. And then he hushed everyone and said: “All right, boys and girls. Here’s a game for us to play. Who is your favorite serial killer?”
The answers were pretty typical: Dahmer, Gacy, like three people said Richard Ramirez, and one dude said Fred and Rosemary West, who I actually hadn’t heard of. The two girls argued over whether they would fuck Ted Bundy. I could tell all the guys were kind of into that conversation, and Derek could too, and so he
was like, well, I have a surprise for you all, and then asked, in TV-host voice, “so, Miss Jessica, who is your favorite serial killer?” And of course, I said your name.
“And why is that, Miss Jessica?”
“Because we write letters to each other.”
And all of a sudden there were a dozen eyes staring right at me, like I was a prophet. So I told them about Sara first, and how I started writing to you, and what you’re like, how nice you are to me. I almost showed them the picture you drew for me, but I didn’t, because it’s too personal. I wanted to keep something for myself.
Derek and I kissed in his car, parked a block away from his house. I bit him, a little. He put his hand to his mouth to check for blood but there wasn’t any. “You’re like, feral,” he said to me. Isn’t that funny?
Jessica
February 1, 2001
Dear John,
The two girls from the party that Derek took me to are Lexi and Elaine. Derek gave Lexi my number and she called to ask if I wanted to come shopping with her and Elaine. I was surprised because they pretty much ignored me all that night. I should have known it was because they were watching me, the way girls do.
They came to pick me up. Elaine drove. My mom was at work and when I told Maggie I was going out with my friends she didn’t even look up from her homework or her college applications or whatever she’s up to lately. I could run away to join the circus and Maggie would not notice!
Lexi said to me: Elaine and I never like Derek’s girlfriends, but we like you. He always goes for these googly-eyed girls, who look up at him like, ooooh, Derek, you’re so smart.
“Bambi types,” Elaine said. “But you seem cool. You seem like you have your shit together.”
They asked how old I was and when I said almost sixteen they were surprised.
“You look younger,” said Elaine. “But you act older.”
“That’s good,” Lexi said. “Way, way better than the other way around.”
They asked me a lot of questions about you, and also about Sara. They couldn’t believe the guy who killed her never went to prison.
“Paul was in jail for like a month,” Elaine told me. “For drug shit. I mean, it’s just ridiculous.”
“Fucking rich people,” said Lexi.
“Lexi is a communist,” explained Elaine. “Until she sees a lipstick she wants.”
“Vive la revolution,” Lexi said, and I couldn’t help but think that if my mom or Maggie heard this conversation their heads would explode! Paul is one of Derek’s friends. He doesn’t seem like someone who has been to jail but I guess you never know with people.
Because Lexi said we were going shopping I thought she meant the mall but actually we went to a thrift shop. “Dead rich lady clothes,” Lexi explained. “We find the best stuff here.” She was right, there was a lot of cool stuff, a lot of real designer dresses and furs and things like that. Lexi and Elaine like to play a game where they choose the absolute ugliest stuff for the other one to wear. The lady behind the counter was not happy with us, I can tell you that, but she seemed to calm down when Lexi bought a pair of earrings, big silver hoops with little bells hanging off them.
When we were back in the car, Elaine said: I have a surprise for you. She opened up her bag and pulled out a dress, made of light blue satin, that I had been looking at in the store, running my fingers over it because it was so soft and shiny I couldn’t believe it was real.
“You bought this for me?” I asked, like an idiot, and they both laughed, but nice laughing, not mean laughing as if I had made a very good joke.
“I knew I liked her,” Elaine said to Lexi, like I wasn’t even there. Anyway I don’t know what to DO with the dress, because if I wear it anywhere my mom will demand to know where I got it. But it’s so pretty. I’ll try to get someone to take a picture of me in it and I’ll send it to you.
Jessica
February 8, 2001
Dear Mr. Logan,
No Elaine and Lexi are not slutty! I don’t know why you think that. Lexi and Paul have been together for I think TWO YEARS and Elaine is just very sweet and nice. It’s not right for you to say that about them because you don’t even know them. I thought you would be happy for me that I have friends and am having fun.
Sincerely,
Jessica
February 20, 2001
I accept your apology. You’re right that Derek and all of them are older than me but I don’t think they’re trying to take advantage of me or anything. I guess the whole point is I wouldn’t be able to tell if they were? But I’m not some dumb kid. I can look out for myself.
Funny news: Elaine is rich! I know this because she took us to her house. She seemed kind of embarrassed showing us around. Lexi must have been there before because she seemed totally comfortable, SO comfortable she picked an apple off the tree and ate it, just like that!
Bad news: My mom found one of your letters. It fell out of my backpack I guess? Actually I suspect she was snooping around but who knows. Anyway my mom was furious. I pointed out to her that it is my right as an AMERICAN to write to whoever I want and I thought she would hit me which she never ever has. My mom is a paralegal so she is big on civil liberties.
Then she asked me a lot of stupid questions. She said I have to see a psychiatrist. I think she expected me to put up a big fight but I think it might be kind of fun actually? It made me think of Silence of the Lambs which she doesn’t even know that I’ve seen. Maggie was absent from this whole ordeal. When I told her about it she said something kind of mean like “maybe you can put therapy as an extracurricular on your college applications.”
Anyway that is why this letter is a little late and also I postmarked it from the comic book store that’s close to my school. You should probably mail stuff to me there from now on and they’ll give it to me. I hang out there a lot anyway.
Sincerely,
Jessica
March 3, 2001
Dear John,
I see the therapist once a week now, after school on Wednesdays. She’s a child psychologist so her office has lots of stuffed animals and dolls and I am not kidding you, a fucking dollhouse. It’s insulting.
After my first appointment my mom sat down with me at the kitchen table to discuss it. I told her, you should be glad I’m doing this. Or at least relieved. There are kids my age who are doing drugs, drinking, having unprotected sex. Actually there are kids my age who are IN PRISON.
Derek’s been weird to me lately, kind of cold, like he’s sick of me. I asked Elaine about it and she said don’t be paranoid. She said it in a nice way but she’s been friends with him way longer than me so maybe she’s lying.
I’ll be sixteen on June fourth.
Sincerely,
Jessica
March 15, 2001
Dear John,
Today my mom drove me to therapy. As we were approaching Dr. Whelan’s office she turned the music down and said, I looked him up. This fellow you’ve been writing to. She said: I went to the library and asked for help. They gave me everything they could find on him. I couldn’t read it all, it made me sick. Jessica, honey, this is serious. This is real. It’s not a fucking scary movie. It’s REAL. Let me tell you my mom NEVER swears and it sort of unsettled me.
I said I know that. She said I don’t think you do. If you did, you wouldn’t be writing him letters. The things he did, honey, they are so bad. You can’t even understand them. I don’t think anyone can.
I wish I could explain to her: that’s exactly why I’m writing to you! Because no one understands it but maybe I can. And if I can, wouldn’t that be cool?
Best,
Jessica
March 26, 2001
Dear John,
Maggie told me she found brochures in mom’s desk for Christian boarding schools. Those places are fucking serious, she told me. They lock you in dark rooms. They tell all the other kids not to talk to you and if they do they’ll get punished.
I can’t tell if she�
�s trying to scare me or if she’s for real. Anyway why should she care? She got into Bates with a big fat scholarship so now she’s the Favorite Daughter forever and ever.
Anyway all those schools are run by evangelicals and despite being divorced my mom is super catholic and doesn’t trust evangelicals. Though it would be typical of her to send me away RIGHT when I finally have friends. So I’m kind of scared but not that scared.
Sincerely,
Jessica
April 2, 2001
Derek took me to see Jeepers Creepers, which was nice, because we haven’t been able to hang out that much lately, because he’s been so busy with school. I kind of think he took me to see a horror movie as like a test, to see if it would scare me. It didn’t. I didn’t think it was that good but it definitely didn’t scare me. After we went and got pizza. I could tell people were looking at us, looking at him especially, because this town I live in is so small and boring Derek seems like a rockstar in comparison to everyone else. It felt good.
I showed him the new drawing of the dogs that you sent me but none of your letters, I promise. I won’t unless you say that I can.
Then we went to his house. His parents were upstairs watching TV and his sister was doing her homework. We went to the basement and I’m not stupid, I know what that means. I said we can fool around (isn’t that the stupidest phrase? I HATE it) but I don’t want to have sex yet. He was really nice about that. He even drove me home. The day after tomorrow his family is going on vacation to the Adirondacks for two weeks.
Best,
Jessica
April 10, 2001
I TOLD you I didn’t show him any of your letters! I don’t know why you don’t believe me.
April 23, 2001
Dear Mr. Logan,
Derek broke up with me. I’ve been crying like a little baby, crying so much I can’t even sleep. It’s so stupid because it’s not like I even liked him that much! And I don’t want Maggie or my mom to see me because then I have to explain why I’m so sad and then I’ll be in huge trouble which is just what I need.
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