* * *
I’ve decided to succumb to the bass player who’s been chasing me for a while. We met a few years ago when I was playing with a group of musicians in New Jersey. He’s handsome and not committed to anyone else – perfect for me right now. It’s Saturday afternoon and the girls are with Kevin. The bass player is coming over. He has his clothes off in moments, and mine not long after. I’m impressed. We lie on my bed and start kissing, but my phone keeps beeping.
‘Hold on.’ I lean over to grab the phone. It’s a text from my youngest daughter, asking if I want a piece of furniture their dad doesn’t need anymore.
‘Yes, I can take it.’
I lean forward and start kissing the bass player again. I’m not sure how much time has passed when I can hear the front door open and my daughter’s voice, followed by the sound of clunking and banging as if someone were moving furniture. The bass player’s shoes are in my room, thank goodness. No one will know he’s here.
I throw on my dressing gown, close the bedroom door and lean over the banister.
‘Are you kidding me? I’m trying to nap,’ I say.
Kevin is sullen at my response: ‘You said you wanted the sofa.’
‘I didn’t say now! No one told me you were coming over this minute.’
He dumps the sofa in the basement and they both leave, slamming the front door, reminding me what a bitch from hell I am, how ungrateful I am.
I open the bedroom door, but the bass player is no longer in my bed. I search the room – how did he get out? Who is he, Houdini? I open my wardrobe door and there he is, stark naked, standing amongst my dresses with a worried look on his face. I can’t stop laughing.
‘I’m divorced. I’m allowed to have a man over.’
But he never comes back to my house again.
* * *
It’s the night before Father’s Day. I’m passing time on Facebook, scrolling through messages from the adoption group I’m a member of. I notice a few stories of adopted people finding their fathers via DNA; adopted people like me were being reunited, despite barely having any information. I smile as I read their posts – I feel so happy when I see that people are reuniting this way. How incredible it is that DNA is so advanced that we can now find family this way, I think to myself. I hadn’t checked my Ancestry page for a long time; I’d had some matches with distant cousins, but nothing on my father’s side and by now, I wasn’t expecting to find anything. But something about the Facebook posts makes me curious to check again. I log into my page and immediately see a new match and a message.
Hi, looks like we’re related.
I click on the icon. The match alert reads:
Predicted relationship: Close Family
Possible range: Close family – 1st cousins
Ethnicity: Italian, British, Greek
I’m stunned. I don’t know what this means, but I know it means something. I message Gaye, my DNA search angel, the lady that I had met the previous year at an adoption conference, who helps adopted people decipher these new tests.
Zara Phillips
Did you see there is a possible first cousin match? They messaged me. I wrote back to ask who they could be. It seems that it’s a very close match.
6/18, 11:23pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Is this the match Ma258?
I thought you told me that was your half-sister in England? Your sister from your birth mother? She is half-Italian too so it could be her. I had seen it, but didn’t think anything of it.
Zara Phillips
I don’t remember ever saying that my sister had done the test. I am sure that she didn’t do a test, but I can check.
6/18, 11:26pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
It says Close Family to First Cousin. The amount of DNA shared is twice what first cousins share. It usually means half-sibling, but could also be an aunt or a grandmother.
6/18, 11:48pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
This is nothing short of amazing. From what I can see this is a half-sibling. Let’s see what your sister in England says then we know whose side it is coming from.
6/18, 11:48pm
Zara Phillips
The message on the site is from a few weeks ago, I can’t really believe it.
6/18, 11:48pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
She also logged in last week.
6/18, 11:48pm
Zara Phillips
Yes, I saw that. Shit, I haven’t been on this site for ages. I just messaged my sister in London to ask if she did a test. I hope she didn’t, I am sure she didn’t but I have to wait and see ugg.
6/18, 11:50pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Right. Unless she sent it as a joke. ‘Looks like we are related…’
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
You also share a match with this other person. His initials are DD. He is listed as a 4th cousin match to you and your mystery match.
I wish your sister would message you back.
6/19, 12:07am
Zara Phillips
Oh, my goodness!!!!
6/19, 12:08am
Zara Phillips
I wish she would message me back too but she will be sleeping
6/19, 12:15am
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Okay – I’ll be up early, checking for messages. Good night!
6/19, 12:23am
Zara Phillips
Night and thanks again.
I message the mystery match again, just in case she hasn’t seen the first one from me:
Hi, I’m not sure if you’re seeing my messages. I was adopted and found my birth mother many years ago. My father was Italian and I’ve never met him. I don’t know very much about him, except where he met my birth mother and where he worked, when he lived in London in the sixties. It seems that you and I are very close family. I’m not sure exactly how, but I would love to find out more about you. I see that your DNA says you’re Italian too? I’m hoping we can talk more. I’m excited at the thought of knowing who you are. Please message or email me.
Zara
It’s getting late. I’m in bed, but I can’t sleep – I’m checking my phone endlessly to see if my sister in London has messaged me back, but she wouldn’t have yet as it’s still too early there. I’m sure she didn’t do an ancestor test but I doubt myself. Overwhelmed, I get out of bed and stand in the dark in the middle of my room. The moon is shedding a tiny sliver of light. I’m fifty-one years of age. Up to this point I’ve spent my life with no answers as to who my birth father could be. It’s been years since I met Pat, my birth mother, trying to imagine who he could be, piecing together fragments and pictures from the stories she has told me. It has seemed like an impossible search and yet here I am.
I feel an energy surrounding me in my small room as if there are many people standing together with me and I’m not alone. I know in my heart that this person is connected to my birth father – I feel it, I just know. It’s funny, I think to myself, how when something so profound as this happens it’s like time has stood still. Only in these moments are we fully aware. I stand in a state of disbelief as my world changes within hours. Then I hear a clear, strong voice, so loud it speaks to me as if someone were standing there in front of me.
‘It’s all part of the greater plan, the reason you had to wait so long.’
I can feel the tears silently rolling down my cheeks. The house is still, the children sleeping. I feel warmth and love, and a trusting feeling, the same one I experienced when I got down on my knees and asked for help with getting sober all those years ago. I’m infused with clarity.
‘Zara,’ I hear myself saying out loud, ‘you can trust it’s safe. It always has been safe, it really always has been.’ Elated, overwhelmed, I’m overcome by this realisation and feel gentleness towards myself – gentle in a way that would have helped me many years before.
‘You just didn’t know, but here is the proo
f!’ I’m talking out loud, whispering into my shadowy room. ‘And if you don’t start trusting now, you never will.’ My thoughts are clear; I feel a moment of such excitement and sadness mingled into one as I think back. If I had known what today would bring, I might have felt so differently in my life. And in that moment, I knew that I was loved, that no matter how my beginnings were, how much shame I had carried because of starting my life as a bastard, a mistake, a quick fling, in spite of all of that I was loved.
Zara Phillips
Have barely slept, but no, my sister from Pat says she didn’t do any test at all. Going to try and sleep some more now.
6/19, 6:34am
Zara Phillips
So, now that we know this is not my sister from my birth mother it must be a relative from his side?
6/19, 11:40am
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
This is what is known as a ‘25% share’. There is a short list of possibilities (in order of likelihood): 1. Half-sibling (maternal or paternal) 2. Full aunt/uncle/niece/nephew (full meaning that it was from a full sibling – your half-sister’s child would only be a half-niece) 3. Grandparent/Grandchild 4. Double first cousin (you share maternal AND paternal grandparents – your mother’s sister married your father’s brother).
6/19, 12:19pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
That’s all we know until this MA person gets back to you.
6/19, 12:21pm
Zara Phillips
Should I contact the other Italian 4th cousin DD that we both matched with?
6/19, 12:25pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Wait a couple of days until you hear back from MA.
6/19, 12:26pm
Zara Phillips
OK, will do.
6/19, 12:27pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Oh, and Happy Father’s Day.
He’s definitely Italian.
6/19, 12:28pm
Zara Phillips
Thanks, ha ha, and so is she! Do we know if it’s a girl?
6/19, 12:29pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
She’s also Jewish and British.
6/19, 12:30pm
Zara Phillips
I know, wtf? How do you know they are a ‘she’?
6/19, 12:31pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
MA has a pink icon – so female. DD has a blue icon – so male.
6/19, 12:32pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
I’ve got some info on DD. He’s based in the US. He lives in New Jersey.
6/19, 12:44pm
Zara Phillips
Omg r u kidding?
6/19, 12:51pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Remember – he’s a FOURTH cousin. You can contact him once you get the scoop from MA.
6/19, 12:52pm
Zara Phillips
I am hoping the girl tells me her father’s name is … Antonio or her uncle!
6/19, 12:54pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
We just have to wait for MA to respond.
6/19, 12:57pm
Zara Phillips
OK, but do you know what I am saying about my birth mother, could she be connected to her? Not sure there could be a connection as she is not Italian at all.
6/19, 3:06pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
I’m about 80% sure it’s a paternal sibling to you. Maybe 85% sure. I know it’s hard but you need to wait for MA to respond.
6/19, 3:07pm
Zara Phillips
It is hard to wait!!
6/19, 3:08pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Just because MA has some Jewish doesn’t mean she’s connected to your birth mother. It also doesn’t mean that she ISN’T connected to your birth mother. If I matched with someone who was half-Jewish and half-British Isles, I wouldn’t know if it was from my mother’s or father’s side.
6/19, 3:09pm
Zara Phillips
I know what you’re saying but that would be very odd if she was and could only be really if it were another of her children. I daren’t ask her if she had anymore, not sure whether to say anything to my birth mother yet or not. She could have had sex with another Italian!!!
6/19, 3:11pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Don’t say anything until we figure out who MA is. It will be very easy to see if she’s a maternal or paternal sibling or something else (highly improbable that she’s not a sibling, but I have to list ALL possibilities). Like I said – either your father likes Jewish women or your mother likes Italian men.
6/19, 3:17pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
If you didn’t know either of your parents, the chances would be 50/50 maternal or paternal. Since you know your mother, and believe it’s unlikely she had another child that you don’t know about, KA is probably on your father’s side. But – not impossible this is a maternal sibling.
6/19, 3:18pm
Zara Phillips
Well, I could ask her directly?
6/19, 3:19pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
MA?
6/19, 3:20pm
Zara Phillips
No, my birth mother. I could ask if she had another kid, make a joke out of it.
6/19, 3:21pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Why make waves when you don’t have to?
6/19, 3:22pm
Zara Phillips
OK, I did tell my sister I might have a relative match but will tell her not to say anything yet.
6/19, 3:23pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
Tell your sister that you think it’s on your father’s side and you’re excited. That’s all she needs to know right now. That’s all you CAN tell her because you don’t know either –until you get a response from MA.
6/19, 3:29pm
Zara Phillips
My sister messaged said she thinks my birth mother would be happy if we found him.
6/19, 3:31pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
That’s good.
6/19, 3:32pm
Zara Phillips
Yes, I actually think she wants to meet him.
6/19, 3:33pm
Gaye Sherman Tannenbaum
One step at a time.
6/19, 3:33pm
Zara Phillips
I know he may not be alive or even want to meet me. I have thought about it all in the last 24 hours, but at least she would be OK if I searched.
6/19, 4:45pm
Gaye warns me not to get my hopes up – this potential half-sister might not know who her father is either – but my body is shaking. I have to keep telling myself that even if I find my father, he might not want to meet me. He might not even be alive.
It’s a few trying days before Gaye gets back in touch to say that my mystery match has logged in to Ancestry so I send another message with my email, hoping for an answer.
Finally, I get an email from her:
Hi Zara,
Yes, let’s talk! I live on the west coast Are you free this evening?
Best,
Michelle
I had given her my number and she didn’t wait long to call me once she sent the email. That evening I was sitting in my AA meeting when I looked down to see that I have a missed call and a voicemail. I leave the room immediately and go out to the street towards my car. When I press the voicemail I hear a bright, bubbly American voice on the phone.
‘Hi Zara! My name is Michelle. I just looked on my Ancestry page and it seems that you’re my closest match. I’m adopted too. Please call me back. I’m free for another hour this evening.’
I call straight back, my heart racing, and it feels like talking to a friend. She immediately tells me her story:
‘I was adopted, but I found my birth mother a few years ago. I just met my birth father.’
She is chatting with me so openly. My heart feels like it’s
going to explode in my chest. I ask her slowly, ‘What is your father’s name?’ But I know the answer before she tells me.
‘Antonio.’
‘Oh my God!’ I know I’m yelling into the phone but I can’t seem to help it. All my inhibitions have gone. ‘My father’s name is Antonio. We’re sisters!’
I listen as she tells me the whole story. Michelle is so kind. As an adoptee she understands how I feel – I don’t have to explain anything.
‘He has two sons by different women, both kept by their mothers. They live in London now. He was married to the younger one for a while. It seems the older one is close to our age.
I hurriedly begin to take notes, just in case this is the only conversation we ever have.
‘Can you tell me his last name, please?’ I’ve waited years for this information.
She spells it out clearly. I write it down a few times on my pad, not wanting to forget it, and then enter it in my phone. I don’t want to lose it, although I know there’s no way I could forget what I’ve just heard. Finally, I know my father’s name. I can’t quite take it all in.
‘Ready for the next part?’ she says.
‘There’s another part?’ I laugh, feeling overwhelmed.
‘He married a woman from New Jersey. They lived in California for a while, but a few years ago they decided to move back.’
‘Are you kidding me? Where?’ I google his town and see we only live fifty minutes’ drive from each other. I’m stunned. I’ve performed many gigs in that area – we could have walked past each other on the street and never known we were father and daughter.
Somebody's Daughter--a moving journey of discovery, recovery and adoption Page 16