“Well, technically . . .”
“You’ve mutually confirmed and formally verbalized your feelings for each other, yes or no?”
“No,” I answered.
“Does Emily know that you’re willing to leave your wife for her?”
“I’m sure she does . . .” I wanted to make my case for that point, but I didn’t have any concrete evidence to back up my assertion. “Um, no,” I conceded.
“Can you say with complete certainty that Emily’s willing to risk her friendship with Sam for a relationship with you?”
“No, I can’t. But what’s complete? Nothing in life is certain or guaranteed.”
Ross sat back in his seat, smiling as he eyed an attractive woman who had just walked by our table. “Can you say with moderate confidence that Emily’s not seeing anyone right now?”
Sucker punch! My mind flashed back to Bradley, and I wondered if Emily was still receiving his late-night phone calls. I didn’t want to answer Ross’s question, but I knew I had to. “No,” I finally said.
“So you’re willing to risk everything for a maybe? For what you feel?”
I was ready to launch a rebuttal when the expression on Ross’s face changed. “Mmm, mmm, mmm,” he practically drooled.
There was only one thing that could elicit that kind of reaction from my friend—a woman. Ross sat forward in his seat, pressing his elbows to the table. “Man, you gotta check out the prime piece of real estate that just walked through the door.”
I was trying to confide in my best friend what I’d never revealed to anyone, and there he was, lusting over another piece of ass. I wanted to be incredulous, but I couldn’t because after thirty-four years, I knew it was just Ross being Ross. “Man, focus,” I urged.
“Naw, man. Check her out,” he said, licking his lips as he nodded his head toward the front of the restaurant.
I stuffed a forkful of plantains into my mouth and indulged him by taking a quick look so we could get back to our conversation. I turned in my seat and nearly choked on my food when I saw Emily. She was nothing less than breathtaking, striking from head to toe. Her hair was pulled away from her face and rested down her back, further exposing the beautiful symmetry of forehead, eyes, nose, and cheekbones. Her tiny waist and voluptuously round hips were molded into a dress that showed off her Coke-bottle figure. And her thighs and calves looked succulent as she leaned on one leg, looking around the room as if she owned the place.
“It makes no sense for a woman to be that fine,” Ross declared, molesting Emily with his eyes.
“Man, that’s Emily.”
Ross coughed like he’d swallowed too fast. “You’re shittin’ me.”
Just then, Sam came walking up beside her. They nodded toward the waitress, then headed across the room.We watched them, as did every other man within gawking distance, while they sauntered over to the bar. Ross looked at me with serious concern. “Damn, man.You’re fucked.”
From the moment I saw Emily I didn’t touch another morsel on my plate. I watched like a stalker as man after man came up to her. I tensed as she ran the palm of her hand over her silky black hair and threw her head back as she smiled and accepted what I knew were well-deserved compliments from hopeful admirers. Sam was engrossed with Emily’s neighbors, but Emily seemed to be enthralled with all the men coming her way. I had never seen her interact in a social setting, and it made me think about Ross’s question. I honestly didn’t know for sure if she was seeing anyone, or if she was trying to see anyone. After all, Sam had talked about introducing her to men.
The more I watched Emily, the angrier I became. I was heated and jealous. Just the other day she had acted as though she shared the same feelings that I did. But now she was parading around like a candidate for Match.com. Ross motioned toward the bar as he finished his dessert. “You want to head on over, partner?”
Once we arrived at the bar, Emily looked wide-eyed, like she’d been caught stealing money. I knew that look. I saw it all the time in the eyes of men and women alike when I tripped them up on the witness stand. Samantha gave me a hug, and then I introduced Ross to Emily’s neighbors who were seated next to them. After a few minutes I started up a conversation with Emily, careful not to let my feelings show because we were in a public place. “Having a good time?” I asked.
“Yes, I am.”
I bet you are, I thought. I couldn’t help myself. I became mad all over again. Damn, I’m too old for this shit! I screamed inside my head. Then I realized that I wasn’t upset with Emily, I was frustrated by how I had allowed myself to feel. It was the same emotion that had overcome me when I saw her head resting on Bradley’s shoulder at her mother’s funeral and when I walked into her house and saw him sitting on the floor beside her last weekend. It was a crippling combination of ego, insecurity, and my territorial male instincts kicking in. So I ignored her rather than deal with the real issue running through my mind—the thought of her with another man.
Now, as Ross and I sat in front of his hotel, I had to agree with my friend’s earlier assessment. “You’re absolutely correct, I’m fucked.”
Chapter 21
Samantha . . .
Rattle My Cage
Tonight was the big event. Emily and I were going to celebrate our thirtieth birthday with an elegant summer garden party in my parents’ lavish backyard. Sounds good, right? Wrong! I was dreading it worse than a Pap smear.
I was glad that Emily and I had celebrated last night. We had a better time at the restaurant than we would ever have at the stuffy, pretentious affair that mother was planning for us this evening. We had genuine fun, and as an added bonus, we shared our good time with Emily’s neighbors, who were real sweethearts. Daddy and my Uncle Ross had shown up, and the only thing that would’ve made the night even better was if Tyler had joined us. But it was all good because when I walked through my door at one this morning, I found him lying on my sofa, waiting for me. I knew I didn’t deserve these blessings, but I was gonna take them.
Tyler and I made love and then fell asleep until my ringing cell phone awoke me at what felt like the crack of dawn. My back tensed as I reached down to the floor where I’d left it, and tentatively looked at the caller ID. Thank goodness, it was only Gerti. “Good morning, Gerti,” I said in a groggy voice.
She was calling to tell me that the rental company had just finished putting up the gigantic tent in the backyard and that the house had been buzzing with activity all morning. And of course, Mother was working everyone’s last nerve.
“I just wanted to catch you before you got out this morning so I could say happy birthday, and tell you to brace yourself for this evening,” Gerti said.
She was giving me a heads up, warning me that judging from the chaos Mother had caused already, she was going to be in rare form, meaning she would undoubtedly piss me off more than usual. “You know I’m not looking forward to tonight,” I told her.
“I know,” Gerti sighed. “I want you to come over early, though.Your son has a birthday gift he wants to give you.”
I was quiet.
“He’s staying over at Ray’s house again.” She paused. “I usually try to have him in bed no later than nine o’clock on the weekends, but because so much is going on at the house tonight he’s going to stay with his friend. Get here around five, that way you can spend a little time with him.”
I hung my head, glancing over at Tyler as he rustled in bed beside me. I was a terrible mother, and regardless of what he said, I knew he had to think so, too. How could he not? I knew that CJ probably hadn’t given my birthday a second thought and that it was only at Gerti’s urging that he even had a gift for me. I knew this because yesterday I had seen the Happy Birthday Auntie Emee hand-drawn card he’d made, prominently displayed on Emily’s mantel. When she saw me staring at it she quickly made up an explanation as to why she’d gotten a card from CJ before his own mother. “I’m right there at school with him every day, you know?”
I waved it off,
telling her that I understood, and I really did.We both knew that CJ thought of her as his real mother and that I was just the woman who delivered him. It was the basic truth. I could be accused of many things, but being a phony liar wasn’t one of them.
Gerti could tell by the silence on my end that I was processing things. But she wasn’t playing around. “No ifs, ands, or buts,” she said. “Be here at five sharp, you hear me?”
“I’ll be there,” I said before hanging up.
Tyler yawned, then reached over and brought me to his chest, where I rested my head.
“That was Gerti,” I said.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I didn’t know how to say what I’d been putting off, so I just blurted it out. “You’ll get to meet my son today.”
Tyler gently lifted me up by my shoulders so he could see my face. He knew this was a big deal for me. “You sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
Over the last few days he had asked me lots of questions about my son, wanting to get a feel for him. Now I could see that he was excited about the opportunity to meet CJ. I should have been happy that the man I loved was eager to meet my son. But instead of feeling good, I just felt worse, knowing that Tyler was already a better parent than I was. “We need to get there early so we can see him before Gerti takes him to his sleepover,” I said.
“Sounds good, babe.” Tyler kissed my cheek and then hopped out of bed to take a shower.
I sat up with the sheet around my waist. It was a crying shame that until talking to Gerti this morning, if you’d put a gun to my head and asked me what my son’s bedtime schedule was, I’d be a dead woman because I had no clue.
I knew I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start actively working toward making a more pronounced change in my life. It was my fault that my son viewed me as a surrogate instead of as his mom. It was my fault that I didn’t know his bedtime. It was my fault that I didn’t know his teacher’s name. And it was my fault that I felt guilty that a man whom I hadn’t seen in six years showed more open concern for my child than I did. But starting today, I was going to turn things around.
I inhaled the spicy scent of Tyler’s soap as he showered in my marble tiled bathroom a few feet away. I envisioned CJ growing up to be a good man, just like him. If I was lucky, Tyler and I would make sure that he did.
With a better frame of mind, I walked down the hall to my home office. I wanted to check my personal e-mail account and respond to the birthday well wishes I received before they piled up. I turned on my computer and looked out the window at the rain that had begun to pour. Once I logged on, I was shocked to see a message sitting in my inbox from Carl.
Based on our last disastrous conversation, I knew this message had to contain something bad. I held my breath and clicked on the e-mail marked CTT.
Date: Sat. September 20, 5:29 a.m.
To: [email protected]
From: I [email protected]
Subject: Happy Birthday
Happy birthday boo. All I can say is I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose you.
C
I noticed right away that he had sent the e-mail very early this morning, which was a big deal. Like me, Carl wasn’t a morning person.This was starting to get out of hand. I knew that Carl could be obsessive, stubborn, and of course, a jackass, but I saw that side of him mostly when it related to something involving his business matters. I had never seen him act this way over a personal relationship. But then again, this was the first time since we’d met six years ago that I had cut him off cold.
For Carl to actually say that he was sorry, and put it in writing, told me he was genuinely hurt that our relationship was ending. But in my mind, it was already over. I took a deep breath because I knew that kind of hurt. I felt the same pain when my relationship with Tyler ended, in spite of the fact that I was the one responsible for our breakup.
I was deciding how to respond to Carl’s message when Tyler popped his head into my office. I smiled at the sight of him. His skin was still wet from the shower and I could see his curly black hairs peeking through the loosely draped towel at the base of his waist.
“I forgot to tell you, happy birthday, babe.” He smiled and then unhooked his towel, letting it fall to the floor. “Come here so I can give you your gift.”
Mmm, I loved birthdays!
Tyler and I arrived at five o’clock sharp, just as Gerti asked. Even though it was raining outside I felt as though the sun was shining. I was on time, and that was a major accomplishment for me. I was already starting to turn things around.
Gerti smiled wide, greeting Tyler as he charmed her with a warm hug and a kiss on her cheek. “Sure is good to see you,” Gerti told him, and then looked over at me. “CJ will be down in a minute. He’s in his room getting your present together.”
I didn’t deserve a gift from my son, but I swept those feelings away. “Where’s Mother?” I asked, looking around as if a black cat was lurking nearby.
“Upstairs getting ready. She’s in a tizzy because her hair appointment ran too long.”
Just as I was about to curse, CJ appeared. He looked adorable, like a little version of my father in his khaki shorts and polo shirt. “Happy birthday!” He grinned as he walked up to me, handing me a card much like the one I saw on Emily’s mantel. “This is for you, too!” he said, placing a small, neatly wrapped box in my hand.
I hugged my son tightly. “Thank you, sweetie. I’m going to earn this by my next birthday, I promise,” I said, holding my card and present close to my heart. CJ continued to grin, not understanding what I meant. But Tyler and Gerti knew, and they simply looked on, smiling. They could see that I was trying to do better and be better.
The four of us spent the next hour tucked away, talking and laughing as we watched a flurry of people dressed in black pants, white shirts, and black bow ties scurry around in preparation for the party. The event planner walked by and introduced herself. I knew right away why Mother had hired the woman—she was a bitch, too!
I put both of them out of my mind and concentrated on having a good time, until I heard Mother’s voice. It had the same effect as a pair of fingernails sliding down a chalkboard. I had heard her say some really jacked-up things over the years, but what she said next made me want to spit.
“I can’t afford to be awakened in the middle of the night, Ed,” Mother sighed in an annoyed voice. “That’s why my eyes are puffy now.”
“Fine, Brenda.”
“I’m serious. I can’t be disturbed once I put on my night cream, otherwise it throws my entire beauty regimen off balance.”
“Next time, I’ll just stay out the entire night.That way I won’t interrupt your precious beauty sleep,” Daddy said.
I couldn’t believe my ears. You’d think she’d be more concerned about her husband being out all night in the company of a known womanizer, Uncle Ross, than she would be about the cream she puts on her face at night. Unbelievable!
Tyler looked at me as if to say, What the hell? Gerti rolled her eyes like I did, and CJ, in his unknowing innocence, was the only person who smiled when Mother entered the room. “Hi, Nana!” He grinned.
She didn’t even say hello to her grandson—so much for her much-touted etiquette. But hey, why exercise good manners when she had the opportunity to rattle my cage? So instead of acknowledging CJ, she zeroed in on me. She was ready to start some shit about why I wasn’t running around and getting myself all worked up over the party like she was doing. But then she saw Tyler sitting beside me and paused.
“Hello, Mother. You remember Tyler, don’t you?” I said it with sarcasm. It was the best I could muster without saying something rude. Gerti cut me a warning stare.
I could see that Mother was shocked at the sight of him. She remembered Tyler right away because she liked him, a lot. She had snooped on him when we dated, and learned through her bourgeois grapevine that he came from money, had a fat trust fund, and was the fo
under of a nationally recognized organization. In her eyes, he was a prize worth winning.
I remembered when I announced that I was pregnant. I had gathered Daddy, Gerti, and her around the kitchen table to tell them. The only thing that had kept Mother from shitting a brick was that she thought it was Tyler’s baby.
“Well, I guess there’s a silver lining to the dark cloud you’ve cast,” Mother had said, looking at me with disdain as she rose from her chair and left the room. A minute later she returned with a calendar in hand. “We must start planning the wedding, immediately,” she said without looking at me. “Get Tyler on the phone so we can decide which weekend in June is best.”
I balked and then swallowed my embarrassment. “I’m not sure it’s his.”
My relationship with my mother had always been strained, but from that moment on it was officially broken. After CJ was born and it was confirmed that he wasn’t Tyler’s child, my mother told me that I’d robbed her of parental joy. Can you believe that shit? So in her mind, seeing Tyler meant that maybe I had another shot at respectability.
Mother put her hands over her heart, shook her freshly styled hair from her left shoulder to her right, and opened her arms like Moses parting the Red Sea. She walked right by CJ without saying a word and went straight over to Tyler for a hug. “It’s so good to see you after all these years.”
Tyler rose to his feet and hugged her back. I could see that he was trying to gauge my attitude. “Good to see you, too, Mrs. Baldwin.”
I glared at Mother. “You walked right past CJ without saying hello,” I snapped.
Mother cast me a nasty look, released Tyler from her tentacles, and then turned on her heels to acknowledge her grandchild. “Hello, my love,” she said, almost sounding sincere. She paused a second, then glanced at her Rolex. “It’s time for someone to leave for their sleepover, isn’t it?” she sang in a playful, kid-like voice, looking from CJ to Gerti. “Gerti, the guests will be arriving any time now, be a dear, would you?” She looked at CJ again as if to say, Get this little boy out of here, can’t you see I’m trying to throw a party!
Playing the Hand You're Dealt Page 21