by Franca Storm
Fuck me. I squeeze my eyes shut, his words ripping right through me, like he’s twisted a knife in my goddamn heart. Cuz he’s right. I can’t speak. All I manage is a nod.
“Thank you,” he says, sadly. “I’m sorry, Ax. Really am.”
Smiter pats my shoulder.
The door opens to our left and Ralph peers outside. He takes in the scene. He nods to himself, clearly picking up on the tense shit that just went down out here. His eyes fall on me. “She’s in here, Ax.”
“Where’s the doctor?” I ask as Smiter wheels me inside with the guys and Dealer following us in.
“He’ll be along in a little while.”
“But she’s okay?” I ask anxiously, grimacing as I take in the sight of her asleep in the hospital bed. Her face is swollen, bruised and cut. There’s bandages and stitches on both her arms, around her head, and her wrist is wrapped.
“Yeah, she’s gonna be fine,” Ralph answers. “Her left wrist was fractured. Some nasty bruising from the crash and she’s had stitches on several cuts to her face and arms. Also got a concussion so they’re keeping her asleep for a bit to help her heal.”
I nod, taking in his words, as Smiter pushes me right up to her bedside. As I take her hand gently in mine, I look up at Ralph. I swallow hard as I ask, “And…our kid?”
He grimaces and shakes his head slowly. “I’m sorry, man. Didn’t make it.”
And that’s the final straw. I can’t keep it together no more. I can’t hold back the emotion welling in my eyes. I bring my hand to my face; the boys can’t see me like this.
“Out,” I tell the lot of ‘em.
I hear Smiter ushering ‘em out the door.
And then I break down, burying my face in my bandaged hands and resting my head against hers.
“I’m so sorry, babe. I’m sorry,” I sob, into the covers. I clutch at her hand and bring it to my lips. “Fucking hell. Our kid….”
I don’t move. Not for a long while. I just keep holding her and kissing her hand.
It takes me a long time before I manage to pull myself together.
When I do, I gaze at her, taking every inch of her in, memorizing all of her.
I reach out as much as I can with my damn injuries and stroke her hair.
I don’t care what no one else says; I’m staying here with her through the night.
Cuz I know…this is the last time we’ll ever be together.
Chapter 37
~Roxana~
I open my eyes to find Ralph sitting at my bedside holding my hand.
“Hey, gorgeous,” he says, smiling sweetly. “Welcome back.”
Groaning, I struggle to sit up and just about manage it. I notice all the tubes and crap hooked up to me. After the awful crash, I figured I’d wake up in a hospital room—or, not at all.
The crash!
“Where’s Neil? Oh my God, is he—?”
Ralph squeezes my hand. “He’s fine, Rox. Promise.”
That relaxes me quite a bit. But I can’t completely relax until I see he’s okay for myself. “Where is he? I need to see him, Ralph.”
“Concentrate on getting better for now, okay? You’ve been out for about three days, Rox.”
That shocks me. But I’m too worked up to pay it that much mind. “No! I need to see him. You weren’t there. You didn’t see the state he was in. Please, Ralph.”
He rubs his shaved head and sighs heavily. When he looks at me, there’s pain in his eyes. Oh my God. What’s going on?
He reaches into his cargo jacket pocket and hands me something. A note with my name on it.
“What is this?” I ask, dazedly.
He can’t look me in the eye as he says softly, “Just…read it.”
I open it up and my breath hitches. I slap my hand to my heart, my nails biting into my skin. “No,” I murmur, shaking my head. “No.”
The note’s from Neil. It reads:
Beautiful girl,
I once told you I’d do whatever I had to do to protect you and this is me doing just that. I gotta walk. It’s killing me to write this, but I gotta do it. To keep you safe. As long as you’re with me, you’ll always be in danger. And I can’t live with myself knowing that. Can’t be that selfish no more.
Ain’t never loved no one the way I love you. Ain’t never let no one in to see the real me like I did with you. And I know what we got ain’t never gonna leave me. You’re a once-in-a-lifetime kinda girl, Rox. It don’t come along twice, especially not for a guy like me.
I’ll never stop loving you.
You’ll always be my sunshine.
Take care of yourself, my little ball buster.
Get better and go back to giving ‘em all hell.
I’ll love you for fucking ever.
Goodbye,
Neil.
I crush the note to my chest and screw my eyes shut, trying to will my tears away. But they come flooding out anyway. They won’t stop. My heart is breaking, shattering into jagged little pieces.
“Rox, come here,” Ralph says, pulling me into his chest.
He strokes my hair as I breakdown, screaming Neil’s name and sobbing without restraint.
“I love him, Ralph! I love someone! Why is this…it can’t end like this! It’s not fair! It can’t!”
He doesn’t say anything, he just strokes my hair gently, trying to soothe me.
But nothing can soothe me. No one. Only one person ever could. And now he’s gone. He’s left me. Me and….
“Ralph? My baby?” I ask, anxiously, pulling back to look at him.
His eyes are glazed over with tears too as he bites his lip and shakes his head at me. “No, Rox. I’m so sorry.”
“She didn’t make it?”
“She?” he asks, his voice strained.
“Neil wanted a girl,” I explain.
“Christ.” He wipes my tears away with the pads of his thumbs as he tells me, “You miscarried during the crash. The impact….it was too much…so sorry, gorgeous.”
Oh my God. I can’t contain this. It’s too much. I feel like I’m being ripped apart inside.
I snap.
Pushing Ralph away, I rip my IV out and fight with the other tubes to get out of bed, screaming at the top of my lungs.
I feel Ralph’s hands on me, trying to subdue me, but I’m insanely hysterical.
The door flies open and my dad rushes in with two male nurses at his back.
Seeing him only makes me worse and my screams escalate to shrieks.
The nurses crowd me and a sharp prick in my arm startles me.
“Dad?” I gasp as his face starts to fade into a haze all of a sudden.
His arms are around me in the next second and I realize why when my legs buckle as a sudden weakness takes me over.
“Yeah, princess. I’m here.”
“No…I…hate…you…killer…” I struggle to utter, feeling myself getting weaker by the second.
“I know,” he says sadly. “I know, princess. Just rest now, though.”
The room fades into darkness then as sleep pulls me under.
Chapter 38
~Ax~
I got no idea how long I been standing here staring into the bathroom mirror at the tattoo on my chest, running my fingers over her name. Over and over again. Some fucked up part of me wants to believe that, if I will it enough, things could be different. I wouldn’t be the guy I am, mixed up in shit that I’m in too deep to wade out of. That I could be what I’ll never be for her—a man she’ll be safe with. A man who can give her the future she deserves. That all this shit could just be fucking simple. Some days, just the fake possibility is all I got to hang onto.
It’s been ‘bout four weeks since I walked away from her at that fucking hospital. And I still feel as shitty as I did that day. Ain’t no better at all. I dunno if it’ll ever get better, if I’ll ever stop feeling like a part of me has been cut out, leaving a wide gaping hole of pain and regret. I knew it the second I fell in love with her and I k
now it now: I ain’t never gonna feel what I felt with her again. She’s the one. My girl. My sunshine. Hell, the sun really did rise and fall with her. She’s my be all and end all. She always will be.
At least I got that chance. At least I had what I did with her. At least I had her.
For a guy like me, it don’t normally happen. Ever. We just settle for whatever we can get in the end. But I ain’t never gonna settle. Not now. Not knowing what we had together. You can’t walk in the light and step back into the dark without noticing the cold in a way you never had before.
The only thing that has me keeping my shit together right now is the club. The boys need me.
After I was discharged from the hospital, the boys and me met with Dealer to discuss Trig. The bastard had taken off, gone to ground, right after he tipped off Skinner ‘bout me and Rox. Dealer showed us all the proof of his betrayal cuz a bunch of the brothers didn’t wanna believe it. I get that. He was our President, after all. We don’t take that shit lightly. But now they all know.
As VP, all the fallout from that is on my shoulders. They need me right now. I gotta hold this club together.
So much for cutting and running. No point now she’s gone from my life. It’s all I got. Like Dealer reminded me, it’s who I am. Guess I thought I was more when I was with her. She made me feel that way. But that kinda thinking just led to the two of us almost getting killed and…losing our kid. Fuck. Don’t go there again. Stop.
Nah, the club is who I am. Who I’ll always be.
And I’ve accepted it now.
I’ll ride to the day I die.
“Ax?”
I turn to see Smiter standing in the doorway. His eyes fall to my tattoo and I see the sadness there. He was really tight with Rox and I’ve told him to stay away. Don’t want no club members around her that are as close to me as Smiter is, reminding her of me. Want her to forget me so she can move on and live her life and she can’t do that if she has a friendship with him, or any of the others. It’s bad enough we got some of our guys down there in her territory right now cuz of the deal she made with Trig.
Me and Smiter had it out ‘bout his attachment to Rox. Told me ‘bout his whole line of thinking of owing me cuz of his unknowing part in what happened to my mom. That’s what had him watching out for her, welcoming her into our world. Then she kinda grew on him in a little sister kinda way. Fine by me. I get that and I thanked him for it, too. Apologized for being a jealous prick ‘bout it.
“Yeah, man?” I answer, snatching my shirt off the towel rail and pulling it on.
“We got a lead.”
“Skinner?”
Yeah, that psycho survived. He’s still out there somewhere, so still gotta deal with that shit. We got everyone we know looking for him.
He shakes his head. “Trig.”
“Solid?”
“Solid enough to act on, yeah.”
“Don’t want him to see us coming. Just you and Grit ride.”
“How you want us to handle it?”
“Bring him to me,” I growl, dangerously low. That asshole killed my kid and got my girl hurt real bad cuz of his betrayal. And he’s gonna fucking pay.
Smiter nods.
I expect him to leave and get on with it, but he hesitates instead.
“What?” I snap, riled up now, just from the mention of Trig.
“You okay, Ax?”
Our eyes lock.
“Nah,” I say, shaking my head.
He rests his hand on my shoulder. “It’ll get easier. Swear it. You’re doing the right thing.”
“Funny, cuz everything ‘bout it just feels wrong.”
“Yeah, I know. She was your girl.”
“Always will be.”
“She’s better off away from all us assholes, Ax,” he says with a grin.
His damn grin is infectious. “Yeah, we are assholes, for damn sure.”
“Dunno why anyone would wanna get mixed up with the likes of us,” he jokes.
Fucking guy. Knows how to put a smile on my face no matter what’s going on. “Yeah,” I say, managing a half smile.
He slaps my shoulder and heads for the door. “Gonna get Grit and head out now. Keep you posted.”
“Watch your six, yeah?”
He nods. “Always.”
***
Smiter and Grit drag Trig in on his knees, his hands cuffed behind his back.
I stand there in the garage smoking a cigarette in one hand and clutching my Desert Eagle in the other. Rather do this the old fashioned way. No gun. Just my fists. But I’m still waiting on my ribs to heal up. Couple more weeks yet. So I ain’t in no condition to be going in for a down and dirty brutal fist fight yet. As much as I fucking wish I could with this piece of shit on his knees in front of me.
I give the boys a chin lift and then tell ‘em. “Leave us.”
The nod and walk out, shutting the door leading into the clubhouse behind ‘em.
Trig looks up at me and I see the change in him right away.
For one thing, he’s scared. That top dog, defiant streak of intimidation he always had with us all is gone, probably stripped away with his betrayal. No fucking surprise there. He screwed everything up for himself. Lost the club. Lost his family; his brothers. He ain’t got nothing now. Smiter and Grit found him living like an animal in a shithole of an abandoned apartment building ‘bout fifty miles down the road.
“Ax, let me explain…”
I fire my gun.
He screams like a little bitch and grabs at his left shoulder where I just fucking shot him.
“Cuz of you my kid is dead!” I roar, stalking over to him and shoving my gun into his other shoulder. I pull the trigger and he screams and collapses, crying and writhing in agony.
Good. Exactly what I wanna see from him.
“Tried to kill me and my girl! Betrayed the entire fucking club! All cuz you were worried I’d take your goddamn power as Prez!”
“I’m…sorry, Ax.”
“Sorry ain’t gonna fix nothing!”
I bend down and grab him by his bloodied left shoulder, digging my fingers into the wound. He pants and his eyes are filled with tears of agony as I jerk him up, forcing him to look at me.
“Bitch of it is, I was leaving.”
“What?” he gasps. “You said you were…just riding out to…a doctor’s…appointment.”
“I lied!”
“But—”
“I was leaving the club, you fuck! I was taking my girl and running! Was never gonna come back. Thorns woulda stayed as yours ‘til the day you kicked it.”
“Oh God,” he cries, devastated that he screwed everything up for nothing.
“But you tipping off Skinner made all that go to shit! Now my kid is dead. I ain’t got my girl. And this club ain’t got a President. You made this happen; forcing me to step up and do something I never fucking wanted to do in the first place. Never wanted to be Prez. Yet, now, here we are cuz you screwed me over. Betrayed me. Now this club is all I fucking got! And you messed it up so bad that I gotta do damage control right away and give these guys a leader before it falls apart!”
He covers his face with his hands and starts sobbing, saying he’s sorry and begging for mercy. Fucking shameful the way he’s acting in the face of death. Guess he only had balls of steel when he was behind that goddamn desk of his.
“Not leaving you here bound and gagged and bleeding out in a slow fucking death is the only mercy you’re gonna get from me. If I was my old man, you wouldn’t get that. Lucky I got to you first, not him.”
“You’ve never been him. You got humanity he never had, Ax.”
I raise my gun, aiming between his eyes.
Our gazes lock.
“Not today, Trig.”
I fire.
Chapter 39
~Roxana~
I brace myself as I walk into Temptress, expecting to see a bunch of bikers as has been the case for the last few months since I struck that deal with Trig
ger. All Black Thorns territory around Brockford is always the last stop on my inspection; checking in to see if everything is okay, because I can’t stomach doing it right at the beginning of my day. Whenever I see a Thorns club member, it’s a painful reminder of Neil. At least, doing it right at the end of the day means I can go home straight away afterwards and do whatever the hell I want in the privacy of my own home to push him out of my mind.
But as I glance around, there’s no sign of them.
That’s weird.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from an unknown number. I open it and read: We’re out. Territory’s yours. Mavs ain’t a problem now. You’re safe. Thanks for not busting our balls while we were on your turf. Be safe.
My heart is pounding in my chest, because I know it’s from him. The comment about the ball-busting and the “be safe” at the end makes that clear.
It’s the only contact I’ve had from him in the last two months.
And I know it will be the last.
I smile to myself. He did this for me, obviously getting that it was hurting me to keep seeing reminders of him around my city. The gesture is bittersweet.
Although, it’s been getting better lately, I still miss him. So much. It still hurts.
He’s the only guy I’ve ever opened myself up to and I wasn’t prepared for the fallout of that. It’s been a struggle, but I’ve been getting on with my life and it’s getting a little easier every day.