by Kight, Ruthi
I drew in a sharp breath and watched as Chase’s eyes shone with moisture. His voice was straining as he struggled to push the words out. It broke my heart that he was reliving memories that were so painful.
I reached over and grasped his hand, hoping to reassure him. He smiled at me and continued his story. “But Brian and I didn’t drive home. We called our dad. We told him that we couldn’t drive and needed him to come get us. He was madder than hell, but he said he would come get us. We waited for three hours, but he never showed up.” Chase’s eyes glazed over, his focus on a distant memory as it played through his mind. “I called his cell phone dozens of times, thinking he might have fallen back asleep. Mom finally answered the phone. She had no idea that Dad had left, and after I told her what was going on, she began to panic.
“She made it there, to us, in less than 10 minutes. After all, we didn’t live that far away, and she was known for taking a short cut through the neighbor’s fields.” I giggled at that moment as the image of his mother driving like the Dukes of Hazard raced through my head. “All done?” he asked.
“Sorry, please continue.” How stupid could I be? He was here, telling me something so serious and life changing, and all I could do was giggle at a stupid mental image. I wanted to crawl under a rock.
He let a small smile spread across his lips and started talking again. “She yelled at us until her voice grew hoarse, then tried to yell some more. Finally, she was too tired to do anymore and she allowed us to get in the car with her. Of course, by this time we were almost completely sober. It had been four hours since we had called Dad. I asked her if she had heard from him, but she hadn’t, which made us all worry even more. I should have known something was terribly wrong. I told Mom to take the right way home this time, just in case. She didn’t want to, but after a lot of pleading, she relented.
“We were about a mile from our house when we found his car. It was upside down, in a ditch, on the side of the road. The entire top of the car was flattened and every bit of glass had shattered.” He paused, wiping a small tear from his cheek. I squeezed his hand encouragingly, letting him know that I was there. “We called 911 and waited for what felt like an eternity. When they finally got there I began to feel a little bit better. I just knew that they would help him. They wouldn’t leave him like that. I knew they would give me back my father.”
I could hear the pain in his voice as he struggled to contain his emotions. This had to be the hardest subject in the world for him to talk about, and yet he spoke as if he had told the story a thousand times before.
“Ten minutes later they were pronouncing him dead. Just like that, he was gone. He wouldn’t be going to the hospital to get checked out. He wouldn’t heal around the most capable doctors in town. He would never be able to yell at me and Brian for being so stupid. He would never come home. He was gone. And it was all my fault.”
I had no idea what to say. What do you say when someone tells you that they believe they were responsible for the death of their father? Grandma had told him that no one blamed him for his father’s death, but this was something that was eating him from the inside out. It wouldn’t matter how many times people told him that he wasn’t to blame. He would continue to believe that if he hadn’t gone to that party then his father would still be alive.
“I’m not going to lecture you about why you should stop blaming yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard that too many times already,” I said as I squeezed his hand. “But I have to ask something. After everything that happened, why did you go to Max’s party last night?”
He stopped and looked around. His eyes locked on something behind me, causing me to glance behind me. A large tree had fallen, creating a natural bench for us to sit down on. He led me to it and we sat down, our bodies nearly touching. This time I had no urge to move away from him.
“I knew you would be there. Katy told me that she had convinced you to go and I needed to talk to you. To apologize,” he replied as he gazed into my eyes.
“You couldn’t just call?” I asked playfully, giving him a gentle push.
“Would you have answered?” he asked with a small smile.
“Probably not.”
“Well, there ya go.”
I laughed and leaned closer to him. I could smell the scent rising from his body. There was a hint of something familiar, mixing with the overwhelming scent of vanilla. It was strong and enticing, stirring memories of my old life. My father had used cologne that smelled almost like it, but not quite the same. I felt a pang of sadness at the thought of my father and the reminder that he had moved out of our home this morning.
“You smell like my father,” I said suddenly, immediately wishing I could take back the words.
“That’s what every guy wants to hear,” he replied with a laugh.
“Sorry. That was a mood killer, wasn’t it?”
“Don’t worry about it. I think it actually saved the day,” he responded as he rubbed a lazy circle on the back of the hand that he still clasped in his own.
“How so?” The feel of his rough fingers on my hand was amazing. I could have stayed like that for the rest of my life and been happy.
“Well...for a moment there...I was thinking about kissing you. And that’s not what friends do, right?” he asked with a playful smile. His eyes didn’t reflect the same playfulness though. They questioned me, pulling me towards him again.
“Right,” I squeaked. I cleared my throat and said, “Friends don’t kiss. I mean, they can, but then they aren’t just friends anymore, are they?”
He leaned closer, his breath warming my cheek. I felt his soft lips as they made contact with my cheek. He was so close to my lips. If I just turned my head a fraction of an inch, they would meet. A long sigh escaped my own lips as my eyes fluttered closed. “Do friends kiss on the cheek?” he whispered against my skin.
My eyes opened and I was momentarily breathless as I gazed into his eyes. Their usual twinkle was gone; what I saw reflected in their depths was a passion so hungry I thought it would swallow me whole. “I...I think...that’s acceptable.”
“What about on the nose?” he asked before placing a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose. “Or the side of...your mouth?”
Before he could continue I turned my head, facing him directly. “I think that might, um, lead to something...more,” I said as I reached up to push a stray hair out of my face.
He sighed and leaned back, breaking the moment. “Then it looks like we’ve found the limit, huh?”
My blood was seething, boiling from the inside out. I could still feel his lips on my face, like scorch marks would mark where they had made contact. I had never experienced such fire with such an innocent gesture. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from his lips. They beckoned me to touch them, to taste them. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to throw the friend rule out the window.
“I guess so,” I replied in a hushed voice, still struggling to catch my breath. I looked away from his handsome face, determined to try and compose myself. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, filling my lungs with the precious oxygen that he had stolen.
“This feels so wrong,” he said as he stood up and paced in front of me. “Do you know how hard this is? Being your friend?”
The sting of his words gave me verbal whiplash. “Chase...don’t...”
“Don’t what?” His voice rushed out on a hiss of breath.
“Just don’t. Don’t say what I think you’re about to say. We’re friends. We can’t be anything more.” I was desperately clinging to my composure. I felt my throat close up as the strangle hold on my heart grew tighter.
“Why not? Tell me why Roxie. Is this about Betty?” He stopped pacing in front of me and glared down at me.
“This has nothing to do with Grandma. This is about me. Leaving. In three months,” I emphasized the words for him, hoping to get the message across clearly. Evidently that part still hadn’t sunk in.
“That doesn’t matter t
o me.” He stepped closer to me and knelt down on the ground, grasping my hand tightly. “Do you feel anything for me? Other than friendship?”
I stared into his eyes and could see the hope there. If I told him the truth, we would both end up hurt when I left. But if I lied to him, told him that I felt nothing for him, then we could avoid all of the pain. He would get over me quickly, hopefully taking an interest in someone who could be what he needed. Someone who wasn’t afraid of getting too close. Maybe Katy.
“I don’t,” I whispered, as I looked away. “I’m sorry.”
Chase no longer gazed at me with adoration. The longing had been replaced by a blank look, his features tense and tight. He stood up and moved a few steps back, his eyes never leaving my face. “Guess I was wrong. Again.” He turned and walked away, down the path we had followed to get to this spot.
I couldn’t bring myself to call after him. I wanted to, desperately, but what would I say? Sorry for breaking your heart, can we still be friends? I’m sure that would go over real well. In that moment, with his lips so close to mine, I had desired with all of my heart and soul to take it a step further. I wanted to throw all that friendship crap out the window. For what? A fling that would sizzle and burn out within a month or two?
I knew I had made the right choice, but as the ache in my chest continued to grow, I questioned whether or not it had been worth it. There was something between us, that much was obvious. But I didn’t want to be another person who left him. Another that hurt him in the end. I couldn’t be that selfish, not with him. I waited a few minutes, giving him a sufficient head start, and then followed the path back home. I dreaded explaining all of this to Grandma. Damn. I hated when she was right.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
As soon as I stepped through the front door I heard heavy footsteps approaching quickly. I tried to make a mad dash up the stairs before Grandma could catch me, but she was quicker than I gave her credit for.
“Stop right there young lady!” I stopped near the top and turned around to face the impending explosion. “Get down here, right now!”
“I think I’ll pass on that one, but thanks.” I turned around, hoping for that as yet unachieved quick escape.
“This is not up for discussion. We need to talk. Now.” She bit off the last word, with barely concealed anger.
I stormed down the stairs and found myself only inches away from her face. “You wanna tell me how I screwed up? I already know! I don’t need you to tell me that!”
“I told ya to stay away from him, but did ya listen? No. And now you’ve hurt an innocent boy! Does that mean anything to ya?”
I balled my fists up and tried not to do something stupid. I stared her square in the eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m just living up to your expectations, Grandma,” I spat the last word at her. “You were right about me. I’m nothing but trouble. I ruin every person I come in contact with. Just ask Mom and Dad! I probably ruined them as well!”
I tried to run again, but her small hands forcefully grabbed my arm and pulled me back around. “You had nothing to do with their unhappiness, do ya hear me? Nothing!” She shook my arm and stared intensely at me.
I jerked my arm out of her hand. I couldn’t bear to feel her rough hands on me. “Don’t lie to me! The least you could do is be honest with me!” I could feel my body shaking as the adrenaline coursed through my body. “How the hell would you know anything about them, anyway? It’s not like you’ve actually been there, have you?”
“I wanted to be Rox-”
“No! If you really wanted to be there, you would have! You could have come to see us anytime!”
“The door works both ways! I tried to get your mother to visit, but she was full of excuses. There was always something more important! So I quit asking.”
“What about a phone call? You sit here on your high horse and lecture me about hurting Chase, and yet you have ignored your only child, and granddaughter, for sixteen years! You have no right to say a damn thing to me!” I screamed as I struggled to hold back the tears that were ready to drop. There was no way in hell she was going to have that power over me. I stormed up the stairs and slammed into my room.
I threw myself down on the bed and finally let the tears flow down my cheeks. There was nothing I could do to stop the storm that was brewing inside. The tidal wave of tears was a force to be reckoned with. I couldn’t handle this place much longer. At least back home I didn’t cry. There was nothing there that could break my heart. Here? There were so many things here that threatened to drag me under.
My thoughts drifted to Chase again. The pain that shone in his eyes when I told him that I felt nothing for him. The hard set of his mouth as he put a brave face on. I hated making him feel that way, but it was for the best. It would hurt much less right now than it would when I left. There were far fewer pieces to pick up right now. At least I made one right decision during all of this crap.
I spent the rest of the day in my room. I couldn’t face Grandma again. I knew she would want to finish our conversation, but there was nothing left to say. I’m sure Chase had already told her exactly what happened anyway. Why did she need to hear it from me? Wasn’t it enough that I already hated myself for making him feel that way?
My phone rang a few times, but every time I checked the caller ID Chase’s name popped up. I couldn’t imagine what he would have left to say to me. Finally, a text came through. I opened the phone and read the message from him.
Katy is awake. U need 2 get here soon.
I texted him back and got the name and address of the hospital, then grabbed Grandma’s keys off the hook. I stormed out of the house and made my way to Grandma’s truck. She would understand why I needed to use it. If not, to hell with her. Katy was the only person here who hadn’t treated me like I was the devil in disguise. The least I could do was go see her and find out what had happened the night before.
As I sped out of the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror in time to see Grandma come running out the front door, her arms raised above her head as she tried to wave me back. I still wasn’t ready to talk to her. I kept driving, pretending that I hadn’t seen her frantically trying to stop me from leaving. I drove as fast as I could without risking being pulled over. Grandma would have yet another thing to hold over my head if I got a speeding ticket in her truck.
Thirty minutes later I was pulling into the parking lot of the hospital. I ran inside, straight up to the front desk. The woman who was sitting there looked up at me with a sweet smile.
“How can I help you sweetheart?” she asked.
“I’m looking for Katy...um...damn. I don’t know her last name,” I replied, ashamed that I had never bothered to learn her last name, even after all the time we had spent together.
I was saved from further embarrassment when I heard my name being called from down the hall. I turned to see Chase walking quickly over to where I stood. As he got closer I could see his eyes were rimmed in red. Had I caused the tears that had left his chiseled face in ruin? No. Probably not. He was probably just upset about Katy.
“She’s down here.” He jerked his thumb in the direction he had just come from. “Come on. She’s asking where you are.”
I followed behind him as he hurried down the hallway. As we walked I glanced into the rooms that we passed, accidentally seeing more of one man’s backside than I ever wanted to. After that I made sure to keep my eyes forward at all times. No matter how much I didn’t want to stare at the back of Chase’s head, it was better than the wrinkly mess I had just seen. He stopped suddenly and turned to face me.
“Room 126,” he said as he pointed to the door on his right. He started to walk away but I grabbed his arm, halting his departure. “Don’t, Roxie. Not here.”
“Chase, we need-”
“Not. Here.” He shook my hands off and walked away. I felt my heart shatter, the rhythm sputtering as pain slammed into me again. I wanted to run after him, but I was there to see Katy.
“Hey,” I said as I fidgeted with the bracelet on my wrist.
“Hey to you. What was all that about?” she asked as she hitched her thumb in the direction of the hall.
“Nothing important,” I replied, unable to meet her eyes.
“For now, I’ll let it slide,” she laughed, causing me to chuckle. “Man...I can’t wait to get out of here. It’s freaking boring!”
“Katy...what...I mean,” I paused, drawing in a deep breath. “What happened? We heard you screaming, but you were already on the ground when we found you.”
“I...I don’t remember everything. One minute Jackson and I were standing there, laughing, and the next he was on top of me,” she said as tears formed in her eyes.
“Were you drinking? Did he get you a drink?” I asked, the pieces falling into place.
“I only had one drink, I swear! I can’t remember...I think he got it for me. But I’m not sure,” she replied.
“That scum,” I growled as I slammed my hands down on the armrests of the chair. “I’ll kill him.”
“Let it go Roxie. It’s over.”
“How can you say that? He obviously drugged you! And then attacked you!” I wanted to shake some sense into her. How could she be so calm about this?
“I don’t want to think about it. At all. I just want...I want to forget it happened.”
“Does your brother know what his friend did?” I was seething. I couldn’t believe that she just wanted to let it go.
“He knows. He threatened to kill him, but I told him the same thing. He’s not worth it, I promise.”