by Kight, Ruthi
“She’s a sneaky old bat,” I replied with a laugh.
“That she is. She’s been doing this since I was a kid. Must be ingrained in her,” he said as he laughed along with me. His words caught me off guard. Since he was a kid? I felt that anger and hurt towards her again. She had been there for him, in some shape or form, since he was young, and yet she couldn’t bother to be there for me.
“I wouldn’t know,” I replied as I hugged my stomach tightly.
“I know you don’t believe it, but she does love you. Do you know how many times Chase and I heard about you over the years? ‘Roxanne got straight A’s’ or ‘Roxanne made the cheerleading squad.’ You were always front and center for her.”
“I call shenanigans on that one. If she gave a damn about me she would have been there. She wasn’t.” I stood up and walked to the window. The darkness surrounding us made me feel more alone.
“There are different sides to every story. You just have to be willing to dig for them.” His voice was closer than before, and when I turned around, he was standing right behind me. His gaze was locked on the window as well, so I returned my attention to the darkness.
“Why are you here Brian? The real answer, please.”
“I needed a night away. Things at the house are...rough...right now.”
I looked at him, really taking in his appearance, and finally noticed the dark purple bruises under his eyes. He looked completely worn out. The last time I saw him he hadn’t looked this bad and it worried me.
“Are you and Chase fighting?” I asked nervously. I didn’t want to bring him into the conversation, but it seemed inevitable.
He laughed and rubbed his chin before looking at me. “It’s more complicated than that. We haven’t stopped fighting since...”
“Your dad?”
“He told you about that?” The anger in his eyes flared and disappeared quickly.
“He told me what happened. And how he blames himself for what happened. But he didn’t tell me about you. About how you handled everything.”
“I didn’t. That’s the problem. And neither did Mom. She is nothing like she was back then. She barely comes out of her room these days,” he replied. He walked back over to the couch and sat down before continuing. “Chase swears that she’ll get past it. Get back to normal. But I doubt it. And Chase...he says he’s dealing with it. But he’s hiding so much from everyone. It’s killing me to be in that house.”
I had no idea what to say. Brian was baring his soul to me and all I could do was stare at him. I really was socially inept. I walked over and sat down beside him on the couch. I had no words for him, but I knew the power of a hug. They always made me feel better when life got to be too much. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his body stiffen under my touch. He finally relaxed and leaned against me, burying his face in my shoulder.
We stayed that way for a long time. No words were needed between us, the communication being made by our bodies. When he finally moved away his face was red and splotchy from crying. My shoulder was soaked as well, but I wasn’t concerned about it. I smiled at him, but the look on his face caught me off guard. His attention was focused behind me and his face had lost all of its color. I turned around to see what had affected him like that and gasped.
“Seems you move on rather quickly,” said Chase as he stood in the doorway, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.
“It’s not even like-” began Brian, but I put my hand up to stop him. I rose from the couch and walked over to where Chase stood.
“What are you doing here Chase?” I whispered my question, afraid of what his answer would be. When I looked into his eyes they were swirling with pain. Sure, he looked angry as well, but that was only on the surface.
“I came by to talk to you. Which was probably a bad idea to begin with,” he replied as he slowly backed away from me.
“You’re right. It was a bad idea. But it seems this whole summer has been built on bad ideas, so why stop now?”
“You’re impossible to talk to. Do you know that?” he asked as he looked over my shoulder at his brother. “And what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at Jenn’s tonight?”
Jenn’s? Brian? I turned around to ask him, but the look of panic on his face told me everything I needed to know. No wonder Jenn had been at their house that night. I felt like such a complete idiot. I stalked back into the room and stood in front of him. At least he had the good sense to look guilty.
“You and Jenn...are dating?” I asked as I felt the bile rise up in my throat.
“Sort of. I guess.”
I turned away to find Chase. He was still standing in the doorway, his eyes fixed on me. “She was there to see Brian.” He nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“When? When did you give me the chance? You automatically believed everything she said. By the time I found out what you were upset about...I didn’t see the point in telling you.” Chase walked over to the couch I had occupied earlier and sat down. “Would you have listened, even if I did tell you?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know!” I whirled around on Brian. “You should have told me. I know you knew what was going on. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Whoa,” Brian raised his hands in front of him and sat back. “I didn’t want any part of y’all’s fight. I didn’t find out what Jenn had done until a few days ago. That’s why I didn’t want to go to her house tonight.”
“You knew?” Chase growled, violently shoving himself to his feet and taking a quick step toward Brian. I quickly put myself between the two of them, pushing back on Chase’s chest. “You shit! I’ve been miserable!” He tried to go after him again, but I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him flush against me. He tried to shake me off, and would have if our feet hadn’t become entangled. Instead of rushing at his brother, we both hit the floor. Hard. I felt the air whoosh out of my lungs as my body was pressed between Chase and the unmoving floor.
I tried to push him off, but he was too big for me to move. He raised himself off and stood up, holding a hand out to help me up. “Are you okay?” He didn’t release my hand, instead molding his palm to mine.
“I’m fine. Really,” I said as I stood in front of him, our eyes locked together.
“You two just need to make out and get it over with,” said Brian from behind me. He stood up and walked to the door.
“This isn’t over Brian,” called out Chase as he tried to pull away from me to follow his brother.
Brian turned to him, a big smile on his face. “You have better things to worry about tonight.” He nodded at me and left the room.
* * * *
“So...Jenn and Brian? Didn’t see that one coming,” I said as I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet.
“I doubt he did either,” he said. “He could do better than her. If he didn’t act like such an ass all the time.”
“I don’t think he’s an ass,” I replied with a smile. He frowned as he looked at me. “Don’t give me that look. There’s nothing going on.”
“Didn’t say a word,” he replied with a smile.
His smile turned my insides to mush. There was something so carefree about him, and yet he held so much pain inside. I wanted to wipe away every bad thing that he had gone through. I wanted to be the one to bring him back from that edge he was teetering on. Yet, I didn’t know how to proceed. We had been through so much in such a short time. Bumps were normal for new relationships. But these were more than simple bumps. And we hadn’t actually gotten to the point of a serious relationship, had we?
“What do we do now?” I asked, meeting his eyes from a short distance away.
“I have no idea. This whole thing seems to be falling down around us every time one of us makes a step. I’m wondering if it’s even worth it,” he replied, his jaw tense.
I was shocked by his words. He had tried for so long to convince me that we should give “us” a chance, and now he wanted to back out? I couldn’t bring myself
to fight with him anymore.
“You’re probably right,” I replied. “This was doomed from the start.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes as I crossed the room towards him. I nodded my head as I passed by him, making my way out of the room. My heart felt like it was being crushed into tiny bits with each step I took. I had opened myself up, and wouldn’t you know,
I got knocked down again. This roller coaster ride of emotions was too much to deal with. Besides, he deserved someone better than me. Anyone.
“Friends?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.
“Friends,” I said as I left him standing there. It hurt like hell to walk away, but if he didn’t want this anymore, there was no way I would beg. I’d rather take the heart ache and nights filled with tears than have him look at me with pity as I groveled at his feet. This is for the best. Right?
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“So...how did last night go?” asked Brian. He smiled at me as he took a big bite of his waffle. He had been up bright and early this morning, the smile on his face never wavering. I wanted to smack the smirk right off of his face. With a bat.
“It went,” I replied as I sipped my coffee. I hated mornings, especially in this house. Waking up before the sun was bad enough, but now I had to deal with Brian and Grandma as well. Neither of them woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I fell out the wrong side, smacking my head as I hit bottom. Yeah, it was turning into one of those days.
“Did you and Chase get all lovey dovey and junk?” he asked with a laugh.
“Nope. We decided to be friends.”
He stopped mid-bite to goggle at me, letting his arm fall back down to the table. “You’re kidding me? After all that crap, y’all are gonna be friends,” he said the last word as if it was dirty.
“What’s wrong with being friends?” I asked indignantly.
“Just seems...like a waste, I guess,” he replied. “I mean, he’s been miserable, you’ve been miserable, all because of a misunderstanding. You don’t get that upset over someone unless you really care about them.”
“He said it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t argue with him,” I said as I set my coffee on the table. I put my head in my hands and took a deep breath. When I looked back up Brian was finishing his breakfast. “I don’t know what I feel, okay? I like him. I really do. But what do we do when I go home? It’s just a summer fling.”
“I can’t answer that. And I won’t. You two are too damn stubborn for your own good. You don’t want something serious. He doesn’t want something casual,” he said with a shrug. “He’s right. Maybe it isn’t worth it. But you’ll never know if you both run away.”
He stood up and placed his plate in the sink. I watched him walk out of the kitchen with a sad smile on his face. Damn him for being so smart. He was right, after all. Neither of us would know if it was worth it if we didn’t give it a shot, but we were both trying to protect ourselves from the other. We were looking out for our hearts, trying to ensure they didn’t end up smashed to pieces in the end.
* * * *
Every day at the farm felt like a new kind of torture. We’d been friends for a week, and both of us had put on a brave front, but I knew we were both miserable. Anytime we had to speak to each other it was tense and short, nothing like our previous flirty conversations. It was as if we had skipped over friends and went back to being strangers. He didn’t smile as much, but then again, neither did I. All I could think about was finding a way to bring that light back to his eyes.
Grandma offered to let me stay home, again, but I refused. Avoiding the object of my pain would do nothing but cause me to think of him more. Go figure. Tonight Grandma and I were heading back to Daisy’s Diner for dinner, which had turned into a normal routine for us since I started back to work at the farm. This was our special time, each night, to get to know each other a little bit more. I didn’t understand the necessity at first, but after the first couple of days I got used to it, and even began to look forward to it.
As I waited by her truck for her to finish up I saw Katy. I hadn’t seen her since our fight over Chase, but I knew I had to eventually apologize for the way I had treated her. She hadn’t done anything wrong; I was just angry and hurt. She was walking towards me, her head down, most likely making her way back to her house. I waved to her and called her name, and when her head snapped up she looked both angry and confused.
“Katy, can we talk?” I asked loudly, hoping she could hear me. She hesitated, finally nodding her head as she veered in my direction. I met her halfway and smiled the friendliest smile I could muster. I didn’t want to scare her away.
“Hey,” she muttered, avoiding looking at me.
“Hey...um...I wanted to apologize. For the other day. I don’t know why I acted like-”
“Because you love him, that’s why,” she cut me off, crossing her arms across her chest.
I couldn’t hold in the laugh that burst from my lips. “Seriously? No. I don’t...love him. I liked him, that’s it.”
“Liked? As in past tense?” she asked curiously.
“Yeah. We’re just friends now.”
“You two are idiots. I knew there was something bothering him, but he wouldn’t tell me anything,” she said as she shook her head in disbelief.
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, I’m serious. You two need to get over yourselves and work this out. Frankly, I’m tired of it. You’re snapping everyone’s head off, including mine, and he’s moping like a lost puppy. It’s getting really annoying.”
I stared at her as she ranted about our stupidity. I didn’t know she had it in her, but it made me laugh, and I was finally able to admit that she really was a great friend to have. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure it out. Another strike against my mental capacity.
“I get it. I’m sorry. I promise to avoid chomping on anyone else’s head. On one condition,” I said.
“What?” She didn’t look like she wanted to know the answer, but couldn’t stop herself from asking.
“We have to have a girl’s night. Tonight,” I replied.
“OH MY GOODNESS! Really? It’s about time!” she squealed as she jumped up and down.
I couldn’t help but smile and squeal with her. I had never been prone to those kinds of noises, but something about her enthusiasm was infectious. There was something about her that made me feel like I had finally found a real friend. One that would be there until the end. I would really miss her when I went home. Just the thought of home brought my mood down rapidly. As we jumped up and down, giggling, I shook off the weary feeling. Tonight was about fun. Tomorrow I could deal with everything else.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Katy talked constantly from the moment we left the farm. I’m serious. It was constant. A part of me wanted to put a pillow over her face as she lay on the floor of my bedroom, but another part of me was just so excited to have someone to really talk to. I’ve had friends before, but none of them ever asked me what I was thinking. They didn’t take the time to ask me if everything was okay, and sure, Katy had already asked me that one at least a dozen times, but it made me smile every time.
“Hey, you still awake?” she whispered from the floor. I leaned over and hung my head off the bed.
“Yep,” I replied with a grin.
“So...I know it’s none of my business, but...” she paused, taking a deep breath. “Do you really not like Chase anymore?”
“You’re right, it’s none of your business,” I replied as I lay back down on the bed.
“You’re not going to answer, are ya?” she asked.
I leaned back over the side and looked her right in the eye. “Why does it matter?”
“It always matters. Besides, I know that he still likes you,” she said with a wicked grin. I laughed at her and sat up on the bed. She jumped up and sat beside me on the bed. “Come on Roxie. Why can’t you just admit that you still care about him? It’s just you and me here.”
“Because
there’s no point. He made it clear that things between us weren’t worth fighting for. I don’t want someone in my life who doesn’t think I’m worth a little bit of pain and strife.”
“But aren’t you telling him the same thing by acting like you’re okay with it?” she asked as she stood up and walked to the window.
“It’s completely different. I can’t just sit there and beg him to give me a chance. I’d make a complete fool out of myself.”
“I’m not seeing any difference in how you’ve been acting lately,” she said. I threw a pillow at her, hitting her squarely in the back of the head. She just laughed and tossed it back at me. “Call him. What can it hurt? I mean, you’re friends, right? Friends call friends all the time.”
“Let it go Katy. I’m not calling him. I can’t,” I said as I lay back down and pulled the covers over my head. I heard her walk back to her pallet on the floor and lie down. I didn’t want to think about Chase anymore. That ship had sailed already, and I needed to let him go and move on. With only a month left of my vacation, I couldn’t let thoughts of him consume me.
The next morning I was woken up by the most obnoxious ringtone in history. No, really, it was that bad. I sat up and looked down at a still snoring Katy, wrapped up like a burrito on the floor. I knew it wasn’t my phone ringing, so I threw a pillow at her, hoping she would wake up long enough to turn that horrid noise off. Other than a grunt, I got no response from her. I stood up to find the phone, finally discovering it on the floor by her head, buried under her wild hair.
I picked it up from the floor and dropped it on her chest. This was obviously a bad idea, because she popped up immediately, fists swinging in the air. I jumped away from her, laughing the whole time. She looked like an escapee from an asylum, her hair a tangled mess, sticking out in every direction. She scowled at me and lay back down, closing her eyes.
“Nuh uh. Wake up,” I said as I nudged her with my toe. She rolled over on her side and looked up at me.