by Kight, Ruthi
“Grandma!” I ran into the living room, but couldn’t find her. I continued to yell her name as I ran out and up the stairs to her bedroom. He door was open and I could hear voices coming from her private space. I ran in and stopped abruptly. She was lying on her bed, her body sweating and convulsing, as emergency personnel surrounded her bed. “Grandma! No!”
I tried to get close to her, but one of the officers grabbed my arm, stopping my approach. I tried to shake off his touch, but he tightened his grip. He pulled me out of the room as I screamed for the woman who was lying there, helpless. When we got in the hall he stood in front of me, blocking my view of her room and what was happening in there.
“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to stay out here. I know you want to be in there with her, but right now it’s more important for you to let us do our job,” he spoke slowly, his voice full of kindness.
“What’s going on? Is she okay? Please! Tell me what is happening to my grandmother!” I was losing control, the words screeching from my mouth.
“We’re trying to help her, but I need you to calm down. Okay?” He glanced to the side as footsteps pounded up the stairs. When Chase saw us there he immediately grabbed me and pulled me to his chest, his menacing glare focused on the officer.
“It’s okay. Shhh. She’s gonna be okay,” he soothed me like a child. I wanted to crumple to the floor, but his strong arms held me tight.
He walked with me to my room down the hall, leaving the door open just in case one of the officers needed to talk to me. We sat on the bed, his arms glued around me, as I wept on his shoulder. I couldn’t stop the tears this time, and I had no inclination to halt them, even as the sobs racked my body.
“I need to see her. Damn them for this! I want to see her!” I yelled the last part loud enough so they were guaranteed to hear me. I was on the verge of a tantrum and I knew I had to calm down, but the rational part of my brain wasn’t cooperating this time.
“Breathe. Deep breaths, in and out,” said Chase as he rubbed my arm.
“Why won’t they tell me what’s going on?” I asked as I stared at the door, willing them to walk through and tell me everything was okay.
“They’ll tell you when they know something. I promise. They aren’t trying to keep you in the dark,” he replied.
“I can’t lose her Chase. Not after everything...not now. Dear God...not now,” I said as the tears began to pour from my eyes again. I could feel my heart splinter into a million fragments, the pieces falling all around me like glass, destined to be trampled on repeatedly. There was nothing I could do but wait. I had waited all my life to finally know her. I’d be waiting as her life faded slowly before my eyes. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and this time it slammed down with such a vengeance that I couldn’t imagine coming back from it.
* * * *
It felt like an eternity passed before one of the officers joined us in my room. His presence made the room feel smaller suddenly, more lonely, and I immediately wanted him to leave.
“Roxanne, the ambulance is transporting your grandmother to Perry Point Hospital right now. They aren’t sure what caused all of this, but I promise you, the doctors there are great. They will figure all of this out,” he said with a small smile on his lips, the act seemingly forced.
“She has cancer. Please, tell them she has cancer. She...she didn’t tell me until tonight,” I spoke quietly, feeling Chase’s arms tighten around me.
“Thank you. I’ll make sure to tell the EMTs that information. Has she been getting treatment?” he asked as he pulled out his notepad.
“No, she didn’t want it,” I replied.
“Would you like to go with her to the hospital? Or would you like to follow?” he asked as his gaze flickered between Chase and I. I looked into Chase’s eyes and he nodded.
“I’ll follow behind. Thank you,” I said as I stood up, Chase still clinging to my side.
The drive to the hospital was miserable, the flashing lights drawing my eyes like a moth to the flame, making it impossible to focus anywhere else. I could hear Chase talking to me, trying to distract me, but I couldn’t focus on him. I kept seeing her face, deathly pale and covered in a sheen of sweat, as she lay on the bed. The emergency personnel had been unable to tell me anything, a fact that unnerved me almost as much as her deathly pallor.
“Roxie? Did you hear me?” Chase asked, drawing my attention away from my dark thoughts. I shook my head wordlessly and glanced at him. “She’ll be fine. We have to believe that.”
“Can you promise that? Can you promise that she will beat this? No? Didn’t think so,” I replied sarcastically.
“I would never make that kind of promise. But you can’t go in that hospital thinking she won’t come back out. Positive thinking, and all that crap,” he said as he grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.
“I’m positive that this has been one of the worst days of my life. I’m positive that I’m about to lose her after I just got to know her. I’m positive that I wish I hadn’t come here,” I said. As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t...didn’t mean that I...I didn’t mean you Chase. I’m so glad I met you.”
He squeezed my hand again but didn’t say anything. I could tell from the look on his face that my words had hurt him, but it was the truth. If I had never come here then I wouldn’t feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest. What would I feel like if, when, she died? Would I fall to pieces like my mother did when Grandpa died? I didn’t want to feel that way.
“I’m sorry. I really am,” I said, turning my attention to the passenger window, away from his pain-filled eyes.
An hour later we were still in the waiting room, no information had been shared with us, and my nerves were becoming raw. I needed to know what was going on. It shouldn’t have taken that long to figure it out, right? I mean, it was the cancer doing it, so there should be some type of test that could help her.
“What the hell is taking so long?” I asked as I paced in front of Chase who was sitting on one of the hard couches.
“Sit down, Roxie. Driving yourself crazy won’t make them go any faster,” he replied as he patted the cushion beside him.
I sat down and leaned back, closing my eyes and resting my head on his arm that was draped behind me. We stayed that way for a while, neither of us needing to say a word. Both of our hearts were being slowly crushed as we waited to find out what was going on. I knew that he was affected by all this just as much, maybe more, than I was. The sound of a familiar ringtone snapped my attention to my pocket. I pulled my phone out, finding my mother’s face on the screen, causing me to almost drop the phone.
“Hello?” I answered with a sigh.
“Hey baby. How’s it going?” she asked, her voice laced with happiness. She obviously hadn’t heard the news yet. Great.
“Mom, there’s something I need to tell you,” I said as I stood up and walked a few feet away from Chase. “We’re at the hospital with-”
“What happened? Are you hurt? Oh my God!” she interrupted me, instantly panicking at the mention of the hospital.
“Mom, calm down. It’s not me, it’s Grandma,” I said as I took a deep breath. “They haven’t told us what’s going on yet. But I have a feeling it’s about...”
“About what?” she snapped, her worry instantly turning to frustration.
“Did you know she was sick? I mean, did she tell you before you sent me here?” I heard her take a sharp breath and I knew. “You knew! How could you not tell me?”
“Oh baby...I’m so sorry. She didn’t want you to know! She knew that she would make it through the summer without problems. She didn’t want you to spend the summer treating her like she was dying,” she said and I could hear the sobs begin to take over.
“But she is! She’s dying, and I have to sit here and pretend that everything is peachy keen? What the hell?” I yelled this time, unable to control the frustration that was building withi
n me.
“I know it’s hard-”
“No, you don’t! You know nothing! You’re up there, just waiting for her to kick the bucket! I’m down here, right in the middle of it all! Dammit Mom! You should be here, not me!”
We were both crying by this time and I could no longer find the strength to hold the phone to my ear. I heard it drop to the floor, the dull thud ringing in my ears, but I could do nothing. I collapsed to the floor, my legs turning to jelly as my mom’s words sunk in. She had known, from the beginning, and yet she still sent me here. My heart had been pulverized, destroyed, and nothing could bring it back from the damage this time.
I felt strong hands lift me as I fought through the fog that had invaded my head. The pain was unimaginable, squeezing my body until I could no longer hold back the scream. I let it flow from my mouth, my throat taking the abuse of a thousand wrong doings. I could feel Chase rubbing my back, holding me close, but it made no difference. My brain had shut itself off, slamming its gate shut, blocking off the outside world.
“Shhh...it’s okay...I’m here,” I could hear him whisper those words, over and over, but my cries and screams were drowning him out. I suddenly had the urge to punch something, destroy it the way I felt I had been destroyed. My mother knew, and didn’t tell me. My grandma knew, and didn’t tell me.
The cries gradually lessened, leaving my throat raw and throbbing. I had never let my emotions control me like that before, but it felt right. I was no longer holding them in, scared that someone would think less of me for feeling, for caring. I raised my eyes to meet Chase’s and found his glossy with unshed tears. I snuggled into his chest and let him hold me. I wanted nothing else in that moment than to escape, to leave all of this behind, and return to the day before.
“I’m,” I tried to speak, but stumbled, my throat feeling like a thousand needles were trapped inside, stabbing me repeatedly. “Sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No sorry needed,” he replied as he pulled back to look at me. “Feel better now?”
“No. I doubt I’ll ever feel better. They both lied to me, Chase. They kept something huge from me! I’m not a child. I could have handled it,” I said as I felt my emotions bubble up again.
“You may not understand it right now, but I’m sure there’s a reason for them doing it. I don’t know your mom, but I do know Betty. She would never, never, do something to purposely hurt someone. It’s just not in her.”
I nodded, trying to appease him, but inside I was unsure. I needed to talk to her. I began to wonder where the doctor was and why we hadn’t heard anything yet. I stood up and walked over to the desk, waiting for the nurse to acknowledge me. When she finally looked up, she gave me a pitying smile, proving that everyone had witnessed my little breakdown.
“I was wondering if...if there was any news on my grandma. Her name’s Betty Carson,” I asked quietly.
She began tapping on the keyboard in front of her, her eyes searching for the information that I craved. “She’s stable. Dr. Livingston is in with her right now. He should be out soon dear.”
I thanked her and walked back to Chase, but I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t sit there and pretend that my world wasn’t crashing down around me. I held out my hand to him, and when he grasped it, I pulled him to his feet.
“I can’t sit anymore. But I don’t want to look stupid standing here alone,” I admitted sheepishly when he looked at me questioningly. I needed that comfort. I needed that reassurance that I wasn’t alone, and that there was something more than hope to hold onto. Silently, he pulled me into his arms, and clung together, waiting, hoping.
CHAPTER TWENTY
We were standing there, holding each other, when Dr. Livingston made his appearance. He was smiling, and motioned for us to follow him. We followed behind him for a few minutes, finally joining him in his office. I looked around, taking in all of the diplomas and recognitions that covered the walls. In that moment, I was assaulted by the memory of that first day in town, at Daisy’s Diner, when I first saw him. The man in front of me was dressed impeccably, his suit pressed and tailored, creating an extreme difference in personas from what I had seen then to what stood before me now.
I felt terrible all over again. I had looked at this man with disgust when I first saw him. And yet here he was, saving my grandma’s life, oblivious to the horrible thoughts I had had that day. I had misjudged him horribly and as such, I could barely look him in the eye; instead I searched the top of his desk, my eyes coming to rest on a beautiful silver picture frame. A beautiful couple, clad in dirty coveralls, smiled brightly at the camera. It was a beautiful picture, the happiness and love they felt was real, you could almost feel it just by gazing upon their smiling faces. They were the epitome of happy simply because they had each other.
“There’s no easy way to say this...” I tried to listen, but each word he spoke threatened to pull me under again. He kept telling me about possible treatments, which I knew Grandma would say no to, and quality of life. Quality of life? How could he expect any quality of life when she was dying? My head snapped up at his words.
“Quality of life? Really? What, are you going to give her a bunch of pain meds and let her rot in that room? Are we going to watch her waste away? I don’t understand! Why won’t she do the treatment?” I wanted to scream again, but I registered the feel of Chase’s hand resting on my knee and I snapped back to reality.
“Your grandmother does not want to be miserable, and chemotherapy and radiation would make her very ill. The side effects are not worth it to some people, and that’s their personal choice. I can’t say that I agree with her decision, but ultimately she’s the only one who gets to make it. I will be there for her, every step of the way, keeping her in as little pain as possible. But you have to understand. She doesn’t want pity. She wants your love.” His words were filled with warmth and kindness, but at that moment I wanted to maul him. I wanted to make him suffer the way I was suffering. The way Grandma was suffering. To try and make someone feel the same aching rawness that trembled inside of me with every breath I took. But even as the thought fluttered through my mind I immediately rejected it, knowing that there was no way that I could either cause someone so much pain or that it would ultimately do any good. Yeah, I might feel better for a second, but it wasn’t going to change what was happening now.
“I need to talk to her. I can convince her to do the treatment. I know I can,” I stood up, determined to fix this. “I have to do this.”
“Roxie, wait,” Chase stood up and taking my hand, pulled me to a stop. “I know it’s hard to accept, but this is her decision. You can’t take this away from her.”
I snatched my hand away from him and glared up into his mesmerizing eyes, eyes that glimmered with unshed tears. “You’re wrong. I’m not taking anything away. I’m helping her.”
I left the office and strode up the hallway to her room. I found her room and knocked lightly on the door. When there was no answer I decided to go ahead and enter, pushing the door open slowly. I walked in and found her asleep in the bed. She looked so frail as she laid there, barely covered by the thin hospital blanket that was draped over her. She was barely recognizable as the woman I called Grandma.
I walked over to the bed and gazed down at her still form. Her chest rose slowly, silently assuring me that she was still breathing. I pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed. I gently lifted her hand and held it as I sat there, until I heard the door open once again. I looked up to find Chase and Dr. Livingston standing there, both of their faces drawn and tight.
“You have to do something. I can’t lose her,” I whispered to them, my desperation eating away at my strength. “Please.”
Dr. Livingston walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. His touch was warm and soothing, easing a small part of my fear, but not enough to completely appease me. “I promise you, we will do everything we can to help her. But we can’t go against her wishes; no matter what any of us may think is right.”
“She’s had a long life,” said Chase as he walked over to the other side of the bed, gazing down at the woman he loved like his own grandmother.
“She has made a very large impact on our community,” said Dr. Livingston. “I remember visiting Betty and Angela at the farm when I was growing up. They were both so welcoming and kind, never turning me away when I needed a friendly smile. I honestly believe that if it hadn’t been for them, I wouldn’t have made it through my own childhood.”
I listened as Dr. Livingston and Chase sang Grandma’s praises, both of them expressing deep gratitude and love for this exceptional woman. It was hard to deal with when I thought about how many lives she had affected. A small part of me wanted to hold a grudge because of her absence in my life, but how could I now? How could I be angry at a dying woman?
It hit me like a ton of bricks as realization slammed into me. This was why no one wanted to tell me about the cancer. Grandma wanted me to love her, and respect her, for who she was, not because she was would be leaving this world soon. She wanted to gain my love and earn my trust because I was willing to give it, not because I was coerced or suffering from some misplaced sense of guilt. It made me think of how terrible I had been to her the whole summer. I had made it a point to upset her on multiple occasions, persistent in my mission to make her miserable.
How could I have been so utterly cold and uncaring? I’m not a terrible person, but I had shown everyone here that they had good reason to believe me to be one. I had been acting like a spoiled brat throwing a monumental hissy fit. I was the epitome of obnoxious, and this woman had done nothing but support me, push me, and love me. I had to figure out a way to make it up to her somehow. At this point I had no idea what I could do, but I knew that I had no choice but to figure it out. Before our time together ran out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The drive home from the hospital was filled with mindless chatter, with Chase and I both uncomfortable broaching the topic of what would happen next. I had a mission of my own that I would deal with, but I knew that her condition was worrying him as well. I had to stop thinking of myself for five minutes and be there for him as well. When we pulled into the yard, Chase cut the lights off on his truck and left the vehicle idling.