She shifted her weight, letting the creak of bedsprings cut through the darkness. I had already forgiven her, the way that I always did, but I kept my lips pressed together and turned toward the wall.
I didn’t remember what I dreamed about that night, but for the first time in months I didn’t wake up thinking about Justin Cobb.
Instead, I woke up thinking about Logan.
CHAPTER SIX
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A GIRL IN GYM SHORTS
This time I wasn’t surprised when I appeared back on the staircase. The posters on my bedroom wall faded into a blue sky, and like before, my feet were moving up the steps like they’d never stopped. Was it possible to be in two places at once?
I squinted against the bright afternoon, searching the steps. Something green swayed in the distance. At first I thought it was another ghost waiting to torture me, but as I got closer I saw that it was nothing more than the reaching stem of a sunflower.
Weird. I climbed closer to the plant. It was the first sign of life I’d seen since appearing on the staircase. How had a flower managed to grow in the middle of bumblebutt nowhere?
The green stalk stretched up through a crack in the stone until it was almost at my knees. Bright leaves splayed helter-skelter along the stem, and at the top sat a perfect circle of yellow petals, opened like a palm toward the sky.
There was something brave about the flower, something defiant in the way it broke through the steps like nothing could hold it back. Maybe my brain was still mash-potatoed from the car crash, but I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
I wanted it. No, I needed it. There was no way I could take another step without having the perfect yellow petals to keep me company.
I wrapped my hands around the stem, surprised at how sturdy it felt, and gave it a sharp tug.
The flower didn’t move.
I tried again, this time pulling and yanking and twisting with everything I had, but the damn thing wouldn’t budge. It stayed rooted in place like it was planted in cement.
Something inside me snapped. It wasn’t just the flower—it was everything. The staircase. Sunny. Logan. Justin. It all welled up inside me until I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to take it all out on the immobile flower. The stupid, stupid flower that was so hell-bent on staying put.
I jumped on top of it, using my heels to grind the stem into the staircase. I kicked it and clawed it, then hopped and danced and jumped until I was sure the flower was mashed into paste.
But when I stepped to the side to admire my destruction, the flower looked unfazed. Its leaves still stretched toward the sky, and its yellow petals beamed as brightly as ever. It was as if nothing happened.
As if I didn’t exist.
No. There was no effing way I was going to leave there without yanking that stupid flower from the ground.
I tried again, this time pounding and pounding until I was sure my fists would bleed from the force, but nothing happened. My hands were clean and blood-free, and the flower looked as if no one had ever touched it. It didn’t seem fair. How could it still sit there like that? How was it that my actions had no effect on it?
As if that wasn’t strange enough, I realized that all the jumping and tugging and pounding wasn’t making me tired. I used every ounce of strength I had to try to smash the flower, but I hadn’t so much as broken a sweat. In fact, I didn’t think I’d felt winded since arriving on the stairs—not even when I ran to catch up to the source of the voice.
The obvious answer to the riddle was probably that I was dead. It’s not like dead people needed to breathe or use their lungs. But I didn’t feel any different. To prove it, I tried sucking a breath in and out to see if I could, and sure enough, I breathed like I always did. So why wasn’t I getting tired?
I kicked at the flower again and lost my balance, tumbling forward onto the steps so that the plant was locked behind me where I couldn’t reach.
“God, if you’re up there, I want you to know that this sucks. Can you hear me? This place sucks!”
I didn’t know why I bothered saying the words out loud. No one was listening.
I stood and started to brush myself off until I realized there was nothing to brush off. Everything was as it had been, because nothing ever changed on this godforsaken staircase.
Two hands touched my back, their fingers splaying out against my skin in a comforting gesture. They reached around my shoulders and neck until they were holding me in a tight hug, and I felt a warm cheek press against my back.
A sigh escaped my lips. It felt nice to be held. It made me think of my mother’s warm arms, always willing to give me an encouraging embrace when I was younger. Somewhere along the way a rift had formed between us. I wasn’t even sure what started it, but one day I started to feel like she wanted me to be someone else, like I wasn’t good enough for her.
I leaned into her arms, happy and sad all at the same time because I suddenly missed her so much; because I wanted a chance to close the distance between us and be the daughter she wanted me to be. I would study harder. I would be better. I would do whatever she needed me to do, if I could just get another chance.
“Mom?” I looked down at the hands that were folded against my heart, hoping to see the familiar curve of her unpolished fingernails.
Instead I saw Sunny’s signature French manicure.
No.
“Get off me,” I snapped, shaking myself free from her claws. Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I pressed my thumbs into my tear ducts, trying to keep the wetness from seeping out. She would not make me cry.
Sunny launched herself in front of me to block my path. In her hand, she held the sunflower, its roots dropping clumps of dirt onto the ground in front of me. An amused grin split her face as she held it out to me, as if to say, “Look what I so easily pulled out of the ground. Jealous much?”
God, she was such a bitch.
“I don’t want it,” I said, trying to knock it from her hands and push my way past her. She stepped in front of me again and shoved her lower lip out into a pout.
“Why are you wearing our gym uniform?” I asked her, scanning the navy blue shorts and gray-and-blue Morris High T-shirt. She shrugged and looked down at her ensemble, like she’d forgotten she was wearing it, then smiled and held up the flower again. Instead of offering it to me, she plucked one of the yellow petals and mouthed the words, he loves me. Then, he loves me not.
“Stop it,” I said, as a pile of petals fell to her feet. She pulled them off one at a time, each one fluttering to the ground like a snowflake. “Stop, you’re ruining it!”
When the flower was almost completely bare, she bent down and collected the pile of petals with a final, wicked grin.
He loves me, she mouthed.
“He doesn’t,” I said, but my voice was shaky and unsure.
I opened my mouth again to argue, but she tossed the pile of yellow flakes into my eyes, and I was racked with the same nauseating sensation I had the first time my hand made contact with one of the ghosts.
The petals fell all around me, thickening until there was nothing but a wall of yellow. Everything was blinding, like I’d stared too long at the sun, until finally it all fell away and pulled me down with it. Down, down, down until I was no longer on the steps, but somewhere else entirely.
“He doesn’t,” I managed to whisper one final time, but I knew it was useless. The ghost Sunny had faded with the wall of petals, revealing a Sunny from several weeks before.
Then the blackness set in, and I forgot where I had been only seconds before.
* * *
“He’s gone,” Sunny said, her eyes trailing towards the door leading to our high school’s gym. “You can stop running.”
We’d been sent outside to run laps for talking, but it was more of a reward than the punishment our gym teacher intended. Mr. Thomas was proof that you didn’t need much going on between the ears to teach a gym class. He only watched us long enough t
o make sure we started running, then left us unattended for the rest of the period under the assumption that we’d keep running even though he wasn’t there. Stupid.
I slowed my pace, my feet slapping against the black tarred surface until I finally came to a stop next to Sunny. My breath fought for space inside my lungs even though we’d barely run a full lap around the track, yet Sunny hardly seemed winded.
She flipped her hair behind her shoulder and gave me one of her impish smirks. “I hope you never get chased by a psychopath with a knife, because you suck at running.”
I gave her a playful shove and followed her to our usual spot on the bleachers. “Lucky for me knife chases aren’t a regular occurrence.” I pressed my hand against the metal bleachers to test the temperature. They were hot, but not too hot to sit on.
“You never know,” she said, plopping down next to me and angling her body toward the field where the soccer team practiced. “No offense, but you are definitely the slowest seal. And everyone knows the slowest seal gets eaten.”
“If it’s by one of them,” I inclined my head toward the field where the varsity soccer team was running drills, “I might not mind so much.”
Sunny raised an eyebrow at me and tipped her head back so the sun could warm her face. “And what would Logan say if he heard you talking like that, hmm?”
I shrugged and readjusted my gym shorts. The thick polyester had inched up my thigh and was giving me a wedgie. As usual, Sunny rolled the waistband of her shorts up so many times that the full length of her tanned legs was exposed. You could almost see her thong. I tugged my shorts down lower, trying to hide as much of my pale skin as possible.
“You guys are, like, official now, right?”
I didn’t need to look at her to know that she glared at me expectantly, but I didn’t feel much like answering. Answering made it real. Answering made it final. And I hadn’t decided whether or not I wanted him to be my boyfriend yet.
It’s not that I didn’t want to be with Logan. He was like one of those cardboard picture books with huge block letters and primary colored illustrations that needed no interpretation. He liked me, and it was a nice change from the enigma that was Justin Cobb. But no matter how much I wanted to say yes, I couldn’t shake the gnawing feeling I got in my gut whenever he said the word girlfriend, like the word was covered in rocks and once he attached it to me I would sink to the bottom of the ocean, drowning in the fact that he was not Justin Cobb.
Sunny ignored my silence and snapped the piece of gum she chewed in my direction.
“Look, now that you’ve got a boyfriend or whatever, I think it’s time I let you in on a secret. But you can’t get mad, okay? I mean, you kind of gave up your right to get mad once you started seeing Logan.”
The sun was bright in the afternoon sky, and I had to raise my hand over my eyes to block the glare so I could get a better look at Sunny. There was something in her eyes I didn’t like, something dark and threatening that only crossed her face when she wanted something.
“I’ve been watching Justin recently, you know, since you point him out all the time.” As she spoke her jaw worked feverishly at the piece of gum in her mouth, like she was sharpening her teeth on the pink gluey surface. “And I totally get why you’ve been obsessing over him. I mean he’s hot. Like, hot hot. Plus, he hangs out with all those guys at the water tower, and that’s kind of our scene, so it only makes sense that one of us starts dating him. I know you’re probably not completely over him yet, but now that you’re seeing Logan, it kind of makes him fair game. So I was thinking that maybe I could take a crack at him. You know, try to hang out with him or whatever.”
She blew another bubble as she watched me curiously, and I had to sit on my hands to keep myself from plucking the gum from her mouth and throwing it in her hair. If I were a cartoon character the speech bubble above my head would’ve read, “!!!” Because I couldn’t seem to form the words to tell her what a terrible, horrible idea it was.
Sunny answered my silence with a wide-eyed and innocent nonverbal plea. Then she sighed and held up her hands as if she was about to catch me in a trust fall rather than steal my man. “Look, I knew you weren’t going to be happy about it, and I debated whether or not I should tell you, but I just didn’t feel right keeping it from you. And I know this is going to make me sound like a bitch, but it’s not fair for you to call dibs on all the cute guys in the school. You can’t date Logan and claim Justin. You have to pick—do you want to keep the cake or do you want to eat it?”
I hated that saying. Why wouldn’t I eat cake if someone gave it to me? It was stupid. Almost as stupid as Sunny’s interloping crush announcement. I narrowed my eyes at her, irritation bubbling underneath my skin as she popped her gum at me again. I couldn’t shake the feeling that she popped it to piss me off.
“I never said Logan was my boyfriend,” I whispered, glaring at her so she would know she was getting on my last nerve. “And it shouldn’t matter anyway. You know how I feel about Justin. How could you even want to date him knowing how much I like him? And when do you even see him enough to have a crush on him? He’s not in any of your classes. I mean, you barely know the guy.”
She looked back at me thoughtfully, her green eyes flashing in the sun. “I see him enough. Plus you point him out, like, every single time you see him and give me a play-by-play of every single one of your conversations. How could I not have a crush on him when you’re constantly selling me on how great he is? You can’t be mad at me for agreeing with you.”
I made a humph noise so I wouldn’t have to agree with her. Maybe it wasn’t fair for me to contemplate dating one guy while clinging to the idea of another, but I couldn’t help it. It was the way I felt, and I couldn’t snap my fingers and wish away my feelings.
“Look,” she said, placing her hand on top of mine. “I would never do anything to hurt you. How about this—if I get the smallest inkling that he likes me back or whatever, I promise I’ll tell you. And if you’re still not over him and it really bothers you that much, I’ll back off, okay? Besides, don’t you think it’s only fair to Logan that you give him a shot? Maybe he’s exactly what you need to finally get over Justin. Maybe in a few weeks you won’t even care whether or not Justin likes me.”
I found it hard to believe that I wouldn’t care, but she had a small point. Since I’d started talking to Logan, my Justin obsession had waned ever so slightly. I didn’t think I’d ever get over him completely, but the daily “does he or doesn’t he like me” drama had become an ulcer-inducing suck-fest, and Logan was a welcome distraction. And what if I was wrong about the intentions behind Justin’s studious glances? I could end up a high-school old maid who never did anything with a boy because she was too busy waiting on The One.
I picked at my nail polish, weighing my options.
Option 1: Full blown tantrum, complete with crying and threat of friendship revocation if Sunny so much as looked in Justin’s direction.
Option 2: Dump Logan so Sunny couldn’t use the stupid cake analogy anymore.
Option 3: Let it ride and assume she really would call things off if by some miserable chance Justin liked her back and I still had feelings for him.
Option 3.5: Bring Sunny gifts in the form of fattening, pimple-causing foods to reduce the chances of attraction and eliminate the need to call her bluff via option three.
Option 4: Forget about Justin and focus on Logan. Logan, Logan, Logan.
She smiled one of her radiant smiles and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. The afternoon light turned her glossy hair into a coppery shawl spilling down the length of her back, and I couldn’t help thinking how pretty she looked. Somehow the color of her hair made her perfect peaches-and-cream complexion look warm and flushed, and the green of her eyes reminded me of springtime.
That’s when I realized what was really bothering me. Knowing Sunny had a crush on Justin made me nervous. What if I misread the way he watched me? What if he stared at everyone that wa
y, or I had a perpetual booger hanging out of my nose and that’s why he kept looking at me? Added to the uncertainty of his feelings for me was the fact that I couldn’t deny that Sunny was pretty. And even though I knew Justin was smart and special and different from all the other guys, he was still a guy, and guys liked pretty girls.
My heart said to tell her no, to tell her that I liked Justin first and I didn’t want her laying a single one of her perfectly manicured claws on him. But my head reminded me that she was my best friend, and no matter what happened that was more important than anything else.
“Okay,” I said, turning my face toward the soccer fields. “But you promise you’ll back off if I’m still not over him?”
“I promise,” she said, slinging her arm around my shoulders and giving me a light squeeze. I swallowed thickly and kept my eyes on the soccer field.
There was a loud buzz as a dragonfly darted out from behind the stands, zipping out in front of us and then circling back in the direction it came. Sunny lurched to her feet, a shriek ripping from her throat as she jumped down and ran in the opposite direction. Her arms helicoptered around her head as she hopped from foot to foot, screaming like the thing had launched a personal attack.
“Get it away get it away get it away!” she shrieked.
I slapped a hand over my mouth, trying to hide my laughter because I knew it would piss her off, but she looked ridiculous. And I couldn’t help but feel like the dragonfly was somehow on my side.
“Stop laughing!” she said, turning in a frantic circle to see if it was still there.
“It’s harmless. They don’t even bite. And it’s gone anyway.”
“It’s post-apocalyptic is what it is.” She looked around once more before taking a hesitant seat next to me. She tried to act all cool as she smoothed her hair back into place, but her hands were shaking. I hid a smile behind my hand.
Where the Staircase Ends Page 5