by April Smyth
"Make me understand," I say in a hushed tone this time quietened by my realisation.
I can't love him, can I? He hit me with a car! He was willing to risk my life to prove he was right. He's been nothing but fowl to me. Is that true? Surely my feelings for Gabe must have spouted from some fountain of hope. Although they have been small there have been moments where Gabe has revealed himself as the man I long for him to be: witty, intelligent, fascinating. I think I love the boy that exists behind the drinking and the cruelness. That's why I've always wanted to help him to prove he is a good person so I can feel less guilty about loving him.
"We need to go back. You're hysterical and you need to calm down," he says ignoring my request completely. Why can't he tell me why he doesn't want to touch me? Why doesn't he want to like me? He's happy to run me over with a car, willing to treat me like shit but can't tell my why. It doesn't make sense. Is he afraid of hurting my feelings? It is certainly too late for that.
I shake my head and take a step forward, "I'm fine. Please just stop shutting me out and ignoring the problem."
"There is no problem, Cassie," he says, the fire in his eyes is dimming. He is done fighting. No doubt he'll take me back and drown his sorrow in a bottle of Maurice’s finest champagne. I don't want that to happen again, I am too close to breaking down the walls and discovering what makes Gabe… so Gabe. "You're making a big deal out of nothing."
"Stop this! Stop this game, stop trying to protect me, I can handle it. If you don't like me, if I offend you so much, tell me. I can take it. What I can't take is you pretending this isn't real," I say, patting at my eyes to stop the tears flowing so readily.
"What isn't real? Cassie…" everything about his body is tight. His teeth are gritted, he is holding his hands up at his shoulders in clenched balls. "Cassie, please just get in the car."
"But Gabe…" I want to tell him how I feel about him, tell him how much I care and how I want to help but he stops me. He gives me a chilling look and says, "Whatever you're about to say, whatever you think you feel, don't. Please don’t say anything else, Cassie."
His words are clear to me. He doesn't feel the same way about me at all. He isn't pretending to hate me. He doesn't even hate me. He feels nothing. I am nothing.
FIFTEEN
I walk towards the car, passing him wordlessly. Once I'm back at Maurice's, I can go to my room and I can really cry but not now, not in front of Gabe. I shouldn't embarrass myself any further.
How does he knows that my feelings go beyond what they should? I must be a dreadful liar. He probably knew I had a crush on him before I did. I cringe as I think about holding his hand in the airport and asking him to sit with me in the limousine. He probably pitied me and didn't want to encourage my schoolgirl obsession.
I punch the shiny exterior of the car, it is left unscathed but my knuckle bursts open. I watch blood dribble down my pale skin for a few minutes before my skin quickly heals and it's like the tiny leisure never existed. I wish my heartbreak could be so easily sewn up. Gabe isn't back yet. He will be mulling around in self-pity.
I turn around and thrust my curled fist against the smooth bark of one of the skinny trees that fence the curving road around Maurice's estate. My skin is tattered worse this time, shocking red blood appears, I suck at my fingers but the taste of iron melts on my tongue and is gone. I'm healed. Again.
I keep punching. Keep feeling the sharp pain which evaporates instantaneously. Why can't I be normal? If I didn't have this… this disease then I wouldn't be here. I could be watching movies with my friends, going on dates with normal boys, dancing in clubs on a Saturday night. No Gabe.
Gabe finally returns to the car. We are silent. Neither one of us wants to talk anymore. Anger, upset, sadness leave no room for words in this claustrophobic car.
The drive back to Maurice's house, winding through the grey dust and up the pink stone driveway, is long. When the car stops and I check that the coast is clear - there is no gardener or maintenance worker hanging around outside - I start to run through the halls back to the Andromeda Suite. I wish my feet were fast and strong enough to run all the way back to Ayrin, to my home with my dad and Shannon, to my own room. It was childish with pink, frilly trimmings and nothing ever worked properly at home and I used to think I hated it but at least it was my home. The obnoxious gold glitter that now surrounds me, the arrogance of a house where nothing ever breaks, where perfection can be sustained, makes me feel sick.
I am glad to be away from Gabe. Away from his watching, pitying eyes. I can stop analysing his thoughts but more importantly I can stop analysing my own. I can just bury my head deep into the pillow until I can barely breathe and cry and cry and cry.
Tears flow without interruption for hours. I cry for dad and Shannon and Bruce and Jana. Then I cry about Gabe. I cry because I feel like my heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces. How is it possible to hate and love somebody so much without knowing them at all? How can you miss something you never had? Something you never even knew you wanted? How can I miss the future?
I feel like someone has unlocked the place in my heart where I keep my fears and secrets and they have exploited them, thrown them across the floor for everybody to point and laugh at. I don't want this anymore. I thought I needed newness, contrast, excitement. I thought that I wanted to travel to Russia or to party with vampires in expensive clothes but the void where my family once was is widening and leaves me feeling unbearably hollow.
The only glimmer of hope is that I will see Maurice again soon. I hadn't even noticed that the sun was beginning to go down. Sunlight no longer streams into the sparkly room but instead a dim shadow has been cast upon it, dulling its excessive shine. Maurice calms me. He stops me being so frightened, not exactly what I had originally desired from a vampire suitor. His easy smile and hauntingly beautiful eyes allow me to get lost, to stop thinking about the confused mess that is my life. I am just with him and everything else seems to fade away slightly so it is more of a hazy hum that I can ignore rather than an overbearing drilling sound in my ear like dozing with the television on instead of sleepless nights in a noisy hotel room.
Footsteps are coming up the stairs. A knocking comes from outside then a voice. A melodic, sweet voice that I recognise. Rose. "Hello? Cassie? Are you alright?"
I try to answer but instead of words, a strangled cry escapes my throat like a dying animal. However, she takes this as permission to enter. The door swings open. I almost forgot how good it is to see her face. I sit up straight on the bed and grin at her. Her sympathetic, flat smile is enough to tell me that I look terrible. I am mentally and physically drained after today. Maurice's attempt at giving me a fun activity filled day has just left me feeling exhausted. "You okay?" she asks, sitting beside me. If I had been allowed to live a normal life with real friends and no scary hospital visits or researchers beckoning at my door every fortnight, I would want a best friend like Rose.
She rubs my back in comforting circular motions. I feel like I have missed a valuable part of life by not ever having a best friend. A girlfriend whom I could share all my secrets with, who I could laugh with until I pee myself. The sort of friend who you play Barbies with as a child then she holds your hair when you're spewing from too much alcohol when you're older. Then you swap high heels and short skirts from pregnancy books and coffee dates. Shouldn't every girl have a friend like that? And Rose seems exactly the sort of woman I'd want to give me advice on boys and help me pick out a cute outfit. She's feisty too so we could satiate my appetite for thrill seeking together. I hold back fresh tears. I want to cry because of another loss, my condition has robbed of a best friend too it seems.
"What's wrong, Cassie?"
"Everything," I say. "I don't mean to sound selfish or ungrateful, Rose, for all of this… for all the wonderful things you and Maurice and everyone have given me."
"I understand," she says and I wonder if she really does. "And Gabe?"
"What?" I feel my m
uscles tense.
She raises her eyebrows, “You like him a lot and you’re hurting because of him.”
I shake my head, a little too profusely, "No."
"You're a dreadful liar. It's been obvious since the day you and him arrived at my house. The way you watch him really carefully like he's going to burst into flames. I saw it, it was like you were waiting eagerly for his every move or maybe you were just contemplating how cute he is," she trails off into a snigger as if all of this isn't serious.
I go silent. It doesn't feel right to be discussing boys so frivolously with her when I have bigger things to worry about. I should be freshening up to see Maurice again and grieving family back at home. Not how cute Gabe is especially not after all the things he has done and the way he treated me on the drive today. He made me feel as if I am stupid, like my feelings are something I can control, like I am choosing to care for him and not fighting against my feelings annoyed him. - like the thought of me liking him disgusted him. Was I that horrible? Am I ugly or too awkward? Or is it because I’m a freak? "But, Rose, it was him? Wasn't it? Who hit me with the car and did all those things to test that I could really survive anything?”
I expect her to lie and tell me it wasn't Gabe. She likes him, her allegiance lies with him and she wants to do well by him. I feel comforted knowing that she makes a point to protect him. No matter what happens between Gabe and I, Rose will always look after him.
She doesn’t lie to me. She nods slowly, "Yes. Don't overreact, Cassie, don't go crazy on me like you did with Gabe please. Let's have a rational conversation. Yes, Gabe was the one to hit you that day but maybe you should think about his intentions."
"He wanted to be sure I was the one Maurice wanted. He was worried that I wasn't the Miracle Girl and he would turn me into Maurice and I'd be the wrong one. He needed to be sure, Rose, I fully understand his intentions. It just hurts me that he didn't care about the repercussions," I say trying to keep my breathing even so I don't start crying again. A drag of oxygen in, let it filter into my bloodstream, breathe out the bad air. Should be easy.
Rose shakes her head and leans back, shaking her long dark hair out across my bedspread. Today she is wearing a tight fitting coral velour tracksuit. No matter how much running I do, how many hours I slave in the gym, I doubt I will ever sculpt my doughy body into looking like hers. Curvaceous but still lithe. I simply wasn't built to be that sexy. "There is too much you don't understand. About vampires, about working for a vampire like Maurice," she whispers.
"Well tell me. I'm sick of you and Gabe tiptoeing around me like my ears are too fragile to hear it. You act like I’ll break under the pressure but look around, look what I’ve deal with so far. I think I can handle it. I've been dragged out of here against my will so I deserve to know the truth. Why am I here?" It is the first time that I have truly confronted Maurice's intentions. It would be nice to believe that he wants to enjoy spending time with me, courting me because we are both misfits in this big, bad world but it can't just be that. There is something more to my visit and Rose knows what it is, Gabe too, and nobody is willing to tell me. The secrecy scares me more than anything.
Rose takes a hold of my hand and looks intensely into my eyes. This is serious, "Cassie, I am bound to a contract. We are all bound to serve Maurice and it's serious. I shouldn't even be here without permission. You belong to him now and nobody should speak to you without his permission. You have to understand that everything you do will be monitored and if you really care about Gabe you will try your hardest to pretend you don't…"
"Why? Why does Maurice care so much about me?"
"Because you have something he wants very badly," Rose says quietly and she looks around the room for anybody eavesdropping. "And Maurice takes what he wants. He will take it.”
Then she adds, “Be careful what you say, Cassie. Caring about Gabe too much, too openly, crying like this will only get you both into trouble and I know you care about him too much to let him get into trouble."
Gabe's words are bright like neon in my mind. He told me that whatever I think I feel I had to stop and now Rose is implying loving Gabe could be dangerous. Why is it so important that I disguise how much I care about him?
And what does Maurice want from me? I shiver. Rose's words are lying stale in my stomach, I am unable to digest them.
"So did you come here to warn me? So I don't get you or Gabe into trouble?"
"No," she said. "I came here to check you were alright. I like you, Cassie. I don't want to see someone I care about get hurt anymore than necessary…"
Then she leaves. More than necessary? That means I should expect pain. I want to go to sleep. I need some energy but when I look outside the sky is dark. Maurice will be awake now and he will want to see me. I can't fathom how differently I feel towards him when only a day has passed. Before I slept last night I was giddy. He was a dream. Gorgeous and hanging on to my every word. Finally somebody who understood how it felt to be a freak but now I am scared. Gabe and Rose's vagueness has left me sceptical of everything. Rose has planted a seed and now it is sprouting wildly out of control and wrapping its vines around my old thoughts and ideals. I don't even know what I think anymore. Who I should believe?
I nip into my shower. The warm water does nothing to soothe my aches and pains. When I come out there is a white chemise dress lying on the bed. Rose or Angelica must have snuck in and left this out for me to wear on tonight's date with Maurice.
I slip it on over my underwear which can be seen through the filmy material. They are too sexy for my taste. My dad would be horrified if he thought people could ogle at his little angel's pants which were white and lacy courtesy of Rose. I look at myself in the mirror. I do look sexy, I think, not like Rose but in my own way I could make a boy drool.
I dry my hair and plait it down my back and stared at myself again. Looking from different angles and wondering for the first time in my life what a boy sees when he looks at me. Before meeting Gabe and Maurice, I had never really liked a boy -apart from Dave the researcher but that didn't end well - so it never occurred to me that any boy might like me. I see no reason why not. I have a decent face, my skin is flawless, my body is quite nice. Boys did ask me out at school sometimes but that stopped as rumours of how bizarre my personal life was flew around the classrooms. Boys don't want to date a messed up girl. I had never kissed a boy. I'm seventeen and my lips have been completely useless. I wonder if they would even know how to work now.
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts and I blush, feeling silly that in this perilous time I am thinking about kissing boys. Wondering if Gabe or Maurice will ever kiss me and if I would want them to. I shouldn't. I should find a nice, normal boy from back at school to start kissing.
Maurice walks in. I gasp. I shouldn't have underestimated how breathtaking he is. Luminescent. Angelic. Absolutely beautiful. It's hard to believe such a handsome face is capable of such devious things. He sucks blood to sustain his life. Hundreds of humans have probably died at his hands. But he would have looked so wonderful doing so.
"Good evening, Cassie," he says, pacing towards me. The fear that Rose had left me with has disappeared. His voice soothes me. I'm self-conscious of how much skin is visible to him.
"Hi," I squeak. Thoughts quickly revert back to kissing. I would like to explore his lips. Yes, my feelings for Gabe are deep rooted and confusing and they suck at me like a leech but the way I feel when I look at Maurice is purely animalistic. There is nothing baffling about the heat that is rising beneath my skin. It's human nature; I want to rip his linen shirt away from his marble skin.
"You look… wonderful, Cassie," he says.
"Thank you," I smile.
"Did you miss me?" he asks, smirking. He puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls me in for a firm hug. I need to focus, I remind myself. Think about what Rose said. Remember he is a vampire. This isn't as wonderful as it seems. But it's extremely difficult to see reality clearly with his brawny
arms wrapped tightly around me. It's hard to think about how bad he is when the thoughts I have for him are far from pure.
"Yes," I say and he laughs, "Good. Shall we go?" He offers me his arm and I walk with mine looped around his. The house is eerily silent like everybody is in their rooms with their doors left ajar so they can peer out to check when it's safe to come out again.
"You've been crying," he says, a concerned look in his ghostly pale eyes. I should have tried harder to conceal my tears from him. As much as I try to block out Rose's, and Gabe's, warnings I know that there must be an element of truth in them and for some reason I shouldn't let Maurice know that my feelings for Gabe go beyond a mere acquaintanceship. There are probably whispers spread among staff now. The tears and my tantrum last night at the party, shouting in Gabe's face then running off into the garden like a frightened child. Pretending I feel nothing towards Gabe might help me anyway, it can't do any harm to shield myself from the agony brought when thinking about him.
I touch the skin beneath my eyes. It should sting but it doesn't. External pain rarely affects me. I must not physically show the signs of exhausting sobs but my eyes will give everything away. Need to get better at lying if I want to survive in a vampire's lair. He grazes his pale fingers across my shoulders and down my bare arms making the hairs stand up on end. It's hard to believe a man with such a gentle touch is capable of such cold and callous acts. I know it's true. Years of researching vampires has yielded me with that much knowledge.
"What's wrong? Didn't you have a good day?" he asked. I try to set my mind back to the pages of information I have read about vampires but no lightbulb flashes in my mind, what could he possibly want from me that Rose insists he will take?