COLETTE MCCORMICK
For Mum and Dad, I wish you could have been here to see this.
CHAPTER ONE
One minute I was fine and the next … well, I’m not sure what I’d call it exactly, but I’d never felt it before. I was shaking and I could hardly breathe and all I could think was, Oh my God! What’s going on? To be honest, there might have been the odd expletive as well but, oh my God! What’s going on? was the gist of it.
Surrounding me was an incredible light. It was like when there’s been heavy snow and your eyes struggle to adjust to the sun shining off it. You know, like when your eyes can’t really focus on anything because everything is so white. It was just like that, except even whiter. My eyes instinctively screwed up to protect themselves like they would do on a really sunny day but this light wasn’t like a sunny day, not even a very sunny day. This light physically hurt my eyes.
I tried to open them a couple of times but it hurt so much I was forced to keep them closed. I was in complete panic.
I was breathing in short bursts which I took in and let out in stages. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew I was panicking. I’d never had a panic attack before and I couldn’t understand why I was having one now.
What on earth was that light? I asked the question over and over in my head. What is that light? What is that light? What is that light?
I also asked myself why it was so noisy. There were loud noises all around, like when I’m watching TV at my granddad’s and he hasn’t got his hearing aid in. People were shouting, and someone even screamed. I wanted to scream myself but couldn’t. It was taking everything I had to breathe.
Oh my God, what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I breathe properly? Why were my teeth chattering?
The answer to all three had to be the same – I was scared. No, I was more than scared; I was petrified.
I tried to think.
Somehow I knew that no matter how much it hurt, I would have to open my eyes. I thought rubbing my eyes might help but it only made things worse. So now, as well as the light, there were circles flickering under my eyelids as if I had a migraine coming on. Ah, I thought, that’s it; I’ve got a migraine forming. It would be worse than any other I’d had before, but that was the only explanation. Oh great, not only would I have a blinding headache soon but I’d have the vomiting later. Yippee!
That would have to wait. Right now, I had other things to worry about. Slowly, a millimetre at a time, I forced my eyes open and blinked rapidly in a desperate attempt to adjust to the brightness. They hurt like hell, but I’d managed to open them this much so I forced myself to hold my eyes wide open. My facial expression was probably freakish but I didn’t care. Anyway, I doubt anyone noticed because when my eyes eventually opened properly I was able to see I wasn’t the only one panicking.
To the left of me was a woman.
‘Help!’ she shouted. ‘Someone help.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I had to yell because the noise was deafening.
Apparently I didn’t yell loud enough.
‘What’s wrong?’ I said again, moving closer and shouting even louder.
But there was no response, so I turned around to look for someone else. There was a man running towards me and I held my hands up in a gesture that made it obvious I wanted him to stop, but he didn’t. He kept on running and I had to jump out of the way as he passed by.
‘Oh, thanks anyway,’ I shouted, adding ignorant bugger under my breath.
I looked after him, standing on my tiptoes to try and see where he was running that was so important, but I couldn’t see a thing. There were too many people in the way. Heads were bobbing up and down and the bodies were packed together too closely.
Everyone seemed too preoccupied even to notice I was there.
Hang on a minute, where was I? Now that I could see I needed to work out where I was. Maybe I’d be able to work out what was going on. How could I not know where I was? Oh my God, maybe I’d had a blackout. Shit! I knew I should’ve had those headaches checked out. I’d dismissed them as nothing but it looked like they might be something after all. OK, I’d ring the doctor in the morning.
What was the last thing I remembered?
I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down enough to think straight. I remembered being at Mum’s house. We’d popped round to check on her because she said she wasn’t well. She’d looked alright to me and I was a bit huffed that she hadn’t picked Na … Oh my God!
‘Naomi!’ The scream almost burst my own eardrums but no-one else seemed to notice. ‘Naomi,’ I shouted, ‘where are you?’
I whipped my head around, desperately looking for my daughter.
‘Naomi,’ I screamed again. ‘Naomi, where are you?’
But there were so many people around and Naomi was just a little girl. I couldn’t see her anywhere.
‘Have you seen my daughter?’ I asked anyone who would listen.
Nobody answered. No-one paid any attention to me.
That didn’t stop me. ‘Please, have you seen my daughter?’
Eventually, a woman noticed me. ‘God help her,’ she said. ‘She never stood a chance.’
‘Who?’ I asked. ‘Who never stood a chance?’
But the woman was looking off into the distance beyond the crowd and I realised she had been talking to herself more than to me.
So now I had another question.
Who never stood a chance?
Oh my God, please, anything but that. Please don’t let it be Naomi.
I may have been panicking before, but now I was in overdrive. Thoughts of Naomi and what might have happened to her rushed through my head and a nightmare was starting to form.
Was she the reason for the pandemonium?
Had something happened to Naomi? I almost didn’t want to know because part of me knew the truth might be more than I could bear.
But bear it or not, I had to know. I had to know what everyone was looking at and what had made the colour drain from the faces of people nearby. I had to know what had made a woman scream in the street in the middle of the day.
I had to know, but I was terrified.
I forced myself to take some more deep breaths. I pushed my chest out as I took them in and puffed my cheeks as they came out. I didn’t do it consciously; it was like my body was working on autopilot and it did what it needed to keep me functioning.
I knew that the answer, whatever it was, was at the front of the crowd, and for the first time since the light thing happened, I was focused. I knew I had to get to the front of that crowd and I wasn’t worried about who I upset to do it.
I expected that I would have heard at least the odd grumble as I barged my way through, but no-one said a thing. In fact, I met no resistance at all. It felt like everyone was moving out of the way so I could get through.
‘Naomi,’ I shouted again and I heard a sob in my voice, ‘Naomi, I’m coming.’
And there she was.
CHAPTER TWO
‘Naomi!’
I reached out my hand but my legs gave way beneath me and I fell to my knees beside her. I wasn’t conscious of pain as I hit the concrete but then I wasn’t really conscious of anything other than my daughter.
Naomi was still in the car, which was the last place I remembered being. She was still strapped into the back seat dressed in her red and white school uniform, just like she had been. She was facing me but her head was lolling to the side and her eyes were closed.
‘Oh my God,’ I whispered with a sob.
My eyes were drawn to the front of the car and I couldn’t help noticing that it wasn’t the shape it used to be. Our car must have bee
n involved in an accident.
We had been involved in a car accident.
‘She never stood a chance.’ The woman’s words echoed in my head.
No! Naomi couldn’t be dead. Oh please God, no.
The crowd may have surrounded the car but they kept their distance. The nearest person to me was about six feet away. ‘Help me,’ I said. ‘Please, help me get my daughter out of the car.’
But he didn’t even look at me.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ I shouted. ‘Can’t you see I need help?’ I looked around from one person to the next but not one of them moved. ‘Why won’t you help me?’ I screamed.
Sod them, sod the lot of them. I’d get her out myself.
I reached for the handle and pulled, but I couldn’t move it. I couldn’t even get a good grip on it.
‘Phone an ambulance!’ I yelled at the crowd as I ran towards the front of the car.
And that’s when I saw … it.
There, on what was left of the bonnet of my car was … a man. At least, it looked like a man. It had a body with arms and legs, they were sitting at very unnatural angles, and the head … the head didn’t look like a head. It was a mass of pulp and it was all over what was left of my windscreen.
My stomach turned over and as I heaved I was grateful that my lunch stayed where it was. I held my hand over my gaping mouth and took in a huge gulp of air and held it there. Only a cough forced me to release it.
‘What’s that?’ I asked. OK, I know it was a silly question but at least somebody answered this time.
‘It’s me.’
I looked over the body to the other side of the car and saw the man who had spoken. I looked from him to what was lying on my car. They were wearing the same blue jeans and the same checked shirt but how could they be the same person? What did he mean? It couldn’t be him. The man speaking still had his face in place, for a start.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘It’s me,’ he said again, without taking his eyes off the front of my car. ‘I’m dead.’
‘What do you mean you’re dead? You can’t be dead. I’m talking to y …’
I moved my mouth and tried to form the words but my lips felt like they had been glued together. It dawned on me that he was the only one that had paid me any attention. He said he was dead. Why would the only person to notice me be the dead man?
I felt like someone had poured a bucket of cold water over me and I felt myself starting to shake. I could feel my lips trembling as I tried to make them ask the question I didn’t want answered.
He said that the person with no face was him and why would he say that if it wasn’t true? But he also said he was dead and while I had no reason to doubt that the person with no face was dead, why could I see his ghost? And why was that ghost the only person talking to me?
Living people ignored me, a man almost ran through me, and now a dead guy was talking to me. I knew it could only mean one thing.
I stared at him, not daring to look to where I knew I had to.
Slowly, I forced my head to turn.
My stomach did another somersault, more than one, as I saw myself sitting in the driver’s seat. I felt like there was a washing machine doing a fast spin in the pit of my stomach and at the same time it was like I had been kicked. I doubled up. My head was reeling and I started to retch though nothing was there. I’d only glanced at myself briefly but it had been enough.
He wasn’t the only one that was dead.
The reason that the only person talking to me was a dead guy was that I was dead too.
‘No,’ I whispered, shaking my head hardly at all at first and then violently. ‘No,’ I repeated, louder this time. ‘No,’ I shouted, ‘I’m not dead.’
Slowly, I forced myself to stand and looked at the man in the checked shirt. He didn’t look at me. He couldn’t take his eyes off his body.
I forced myself to look at my bo … At where I’d been sitting in the car.
There was another car, a red one, almost impaling me on the steering wheel. That must have been this man’s car. I slowly moved around my car and the man, careful not to look at what was on the bonnet. I’d seen enough of that, thank you. The driver’s window was broken and I could see myself clearly. From the way my cheek was resting on my shoulder it looked like my neck was broken and there was blood trickling out of my mouth and my ear.
I realised then that it wasn’t Naomi who had never stood a chance.
CHAPTER THREE
‘No.’ I covered my eyes and whispered into the palms of my hands. I wasn’t dead. How could I be dead when I could feel my heart beating in the base of my throat? How could I be dead when I could feel my feet on the floor? How could I be dead when I could feel the tears running down my cheeks? No, this was just a nightmare. I was going to wake up any minute.
Slowly, I spread my fingers. Nothing had changed.
Oh my God, I was dead.
But what about Naomi?
Well, she was alive, she had to be. She must be alive because she wasn’t standing beside me; she was still in the car. If she was dead she would be with me. Wouldn’t she?
I was basing that theory on nothing but hope but … Oh please God, let it be true.
I pulled myself away from my lifeless body and ran around the back of the car, hoping with everything that Naomi was still there and that my theory held water. She hadn’t moved at all. Was she really alive? I didn’t bother trying to open the door again. I crouched beside her with my face close to hers and held my hand near the pane of glass that separated us and started to whimper.
‘Please don’t let her die,’ I prayed.
Eventually I heard the sound of a siren.
‘At last.’ I stood up and turned towards the sound. ‘Hang on, sweetheart,’ I said over my shoulder.
The siren stopped as the crowd separated and the ambulance pulled up a few feet away. Two paramedics hopped out almost before it had stopped.
‘She’s here,’ I told them.
‘I’ll get the little girl,’ one of them said. ‘You see what we’ve got over there.’
I stood back as the first one rushed towards Naomi. He pulled on the handle of the door and it opened easily.
‘What you got, Steve?’ he asked.
I leaned in closer to hear Steve’s answer and it came as no real surprise .
‘Both dead.’
‘Are you sure?’ I croaked. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?’
He didn’t answer – he just left the man and me where we lay and climbed into the back of the car to help his partner work on Naomi. I got the answer I needed. There was nothing he could do for me or the man.
My heart was in my mouth when Steve put his fingertips to Naomi’s neck, as his partner appeared to check for broken bones.
‘Strong and steady,’ he said, and I let out the breath I’d been holding.
At the sound of another siren, I turned and saw it was the police. Their car stopped close to the ambulance and a female officer got out and walked purposefully towards us. She stopped a few feet away and stood with her hands on her hips, looking at the scene.
‘Bloody hell,’ she said.
Her male colleague appeared by her shoulder and asked, ‘What’s the situation?’
My voice cracked as I told him, ‘I’m dead.’ I laced my fingers through my hair and added with a sob, ‘And my little girl’s still in the car.’ I could feel tears on my cheek, big and hot and just ridiculous because they had never felt that way when I was alive. They were different now. Everything was different now.
The female officer gave him the official version which involved words like ‘RTA’, ‘dead at scene’, and ‘injured child’ but it amounted to the same thing.
How injured was she? Relieved as I was that Naomi was alive and that her heart beat was strong and steady, I needed to know what was wrong with her.
The police officers moved closer to the paramedics.
‘How�
��s she doing?’ the policewoman asked, nodding towards the car.
‘Looks like she’ll be OK,’ the one not called Steve said. ‘Her pulse is good and there don’t appear to be any broken bones.’
‘Yes!’ I squealed, clapping my hands together. ‘Why is she unconscious?’ I asked, but of course he didn’t answer me. He did, however, answer the policewoman when she asked the same question.
‘Concussion.’
My poor baby.
I leaned closer to the car and was whispering her name when I noticed Naomi’s eyelids flicker. Then she blinked and when she opened her eyes she was looking straight at me.
I clasped one hand over my mouth to stop my heart popping out and held the other out to my daughter.
Steve the paramedic was now out of the car and standing near me. ‘She’s awake, Dave,’ he told his colleague.
Steve and Dave, good solid names. I don’t know why that comforted me but it did and God knows I was grasping at straws.
Dave touched Naomi’s hand and used a gentle voice when he asked, ‘Can you tell me your name?’
Naomi didn’t answer so he asked again, giving her hand a little shake this time.
She didn’t try to speak. She gave no sign that she had even heard him. She was still looking at me and for a second I wondered if she had gone to sleep with her eyes open. I know that might sound stupid but I know nothing about medicine so it might be possible. What am I saying? Right then, I knew nothing about anything other than that I was dead and my daughter had concussion.
‘Naomi,’ I said. ‘Her name is Naomi.’ My poor child looked so confused. ‘Don’t worry,’ I told her, ‘you’re going to be alright. There’s been an accident but you’re going to be alright.’
Just then, the paramedics moved and it was clear they were preparing to get Naomi out of the car. Instinctively, I stepped back to give them room to manoeuvre. As I did so Naomi’s eyes followed me. Now I needed both hands pressed against my mouth to keep my heart in.
Could she see me? No, that wasn’t possible. I mean, I know you hear about living people seeing ghosts all the time but I’d always thought they were making it up. No-one else had seen me. No, it wasn’t possible. It was a coincidence.
Things I Should Have Said and Done Page 1