by Eva Luxe
She shook her head again. “If they catch us together, the press is going to have a field day. We can’t leave the hotel room together.”
“Okay,” I said. “You can leave first, and I’ll wait. I’ll leave a bit later. But if we have sex first and then do that, it won’t be any different than doing it now. Come on, you know you want it. Look at me.” I put my throbbing erection on display. “This is what you do to me.”
She glanced down at me before she shook her head. “I can’t do this.”
She found her clothes on the floor and started putting them on, piece by piece. This was going in the wrong direction. The idea was to stay naked, not to put all the clothes back on.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “This can’t just be because of my reputation, can it?”
She sighed, zipping up her own dress in a way that suggested she didn’t need anyone’s help. The symbolism wasn’t lost on me. I had helped so many women get dressed after the fact. I had no idea how women got dressed without us. I envisioned girl on girl action where they fumbled with each other’s zippers.
“If you consider who I am and what my role is in your life, that’s exactly what it’s about.”
I shook my head, trying to make sense of it all. She walked to the door.
“Stay out of trouble,” she said. “And for God’s sake, don’t bring another woman back here. I’m not going to be around to pick up the pieces forever. At some point, you’re going to have to learn how to do it yourself.”
She left, leaving me naked and aching in the room, alone, wondering what the hell had happened to my happy ending.
Chapter 29 – Lacey
Being on the birth control pill meant that I knew exactly what day my period was supposed to start. It wasn’t rocket science. The hormones were regulated, and my body knew what to do and when to do it.
Except, it wasn’t doing what it was meant to do. I had started stressing about it over the weekend. It was supposed to have started on the Friday before I’d gone to the White Room to check up on him. It hadn’t. It was Monday now, and my time of the month was still MIA.
I couldn’t be pregnant. There was no way I could be pregnant. We used condoms. A lot of them. Sure, they weren’t foolproof; they sometimes broke. I had taken sex ed in high school so I knew these things. But, we hadn’t had any sign of any of them breaking— not that there was always a sign.
Plus, anyway, I took my pill religiously. There had only been that one time. Oh, God. When had I missed it? I couldn’t remember exactly when it had been, but I’d missed a pill because I’d been so busy. I had doubled up the next day. That was supposed to help, and I’d done it before without incident.
The Pill had never failed me and I’d been on it since I was sixteen. I hadn’t ever been super strict about taking it because I sometimes got forgetful or busy. But what if this time, doubling up after I forgot it that one time hadn’t helped? What if the Pill had failed me— or I had failed it— and a condom had failed, too? That would be just my doubly bad luck. What if I was pregnant?
My stomach turned to stone. I sat down on my bed, feeling like the world shifted beneath me. If I was pregnant, then what?
No. I wouldn’t think like that. I got up. I hadn’t wanted to sleep with Hanson on Saturday at the hotel, despite his advances, because I’d suddenly realized how very deeply I’d fallen for him. It couldn’t be just hook ups here or there when my heart had gotten attached. He obviously didn’t feel the same way so I finally listened to common sense and said no.
Plus, I was convinced I was going to get my period, since it was due, and I hadn’t wanted to be embarrassed if I had gotten it right then and there. I figured that my body was trying to tell me to listen to my head and run away from Hanson. But then my period hadn’t come, and now I might be pregnant.
I could be pregnant? With his baby? He was the only person I’d slept with since I met him, and I had certainly had my period before I met him so he would be the only candidate.
If there was one thing in life I was terrified of, it was getting pregnant. I couldn’t have a baby. I didn’t want one now. I didn’t want one ever. My dad had created the perfect form of birth control. His self-righteousness toward the world and his cowardice toward his own family had persuaded me to never take the same route.
If I was pregnant, I had no idea what to do.
I was suddenly nauseous. Morning sickness? It couldn’t be.
I was working myself up into a state because I was panicking. All I had to do was get a home pregnancy test and put my mind at ease. There was no way I was going to make it through a day at work feeling the way I did. I was so stressed, I could barely think straight. Having to deal with Hanson and his inappropriate sexual advances made me feel like throwing up.
I picked up the phone.
“Chuck,” I said. “I’m not going to be able to make it into the office. I feel extremely sick.”
It wasn’t a lie. I felt like I was going to faint.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“I think it’s a bug I caught over the weekend. With luck, I’ll be in again tomorrow.”
“You do what you need to do,” he said. I was relieved. “Let me know how it goes.”
I thanked him and hung up. Without work to worry about, I could relax. I could think it all through and calm myself down.
I got back into bed and breathed, trying to talk myself through it. One pill wasn’t going to make a difference. Not when I’d taken it perfectly on time, every day, all the other days since I’d started the pill at sixteen.
When I couldn’t calm myself down enough or talk sense into my own head, I got out of bed again and got dressed. A pregnancy test would answer all my questions, and I would be able to relax again. There was nothing to worry about. I just had to confirm that.
I went to the closest convenience store and stood in the aisle with the pregnancy tests. They were right next to the condoms and diapers. Were they trying to be ironic? I picked up a test and read the back of the box. I glanced at the shelf and pushed all of them in my basket. There were four of one make and three of another.
When I reached the register, the cashier looked at me. She was on the larger side, with curly hair and eye shadow that was too heavy for her light complexion.
“You and your husband trying for a baby?” she asked, ringing up the tests one by one.
“I’m not hoping for a positive result,” I said.
She glanced at all the tests she had scanned through.
“Honey, from experience, if you’re buying this many, you’re worried enough that it might be.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear that. I just wanted peace of mind, dammit. I paid and left the store with my treasure. When I returned home, I drank water. Lots of water. I drank until I felt sick all over again. I needed to pee as soon as possible. I needed to get these tests out of the way so I could carry on with my life.
Five glasses of water and half an hour later found me in the bathroom. I took all the tests. Overkill? Yeah. But I was stressing.
I had to wait a while for the results to show. It felt like forever. I tried to read while I was waiting. Or to watch TV. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. In the end, I watched the seconds tick by until my time was up.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I looked at the first test.
Two lines.
I read the leaflet again. That was a positive.
Shit.
I had more. I went through them one by one. Two lines, every time.
Two lines.
Two lines.
Two lines.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
None of them were negative. Not one of them could give me a little bit of hope that this might just be one mistake, that my body was betraying me. I was pregnant. I was pregnant with a baby I’d never wanted, with a man who would never want me.
What was I going to do?
I felt like I wanted to cry. My world was sudd
enly crumbling around me. I had been independent and strong all my life, but now, I felt like I was falling apart. How was I going to do this? I couldn’t be a mother. I couldn’t do to my child what my father had done to me.
Not to mention Hanson. There was no way I could tell him. If this came out at all, it would ruin his reputation. He had just managed to pull himself together, now. He didn’t need a pregnant woman, his PR Manager, no less, to fuck up what he’d built for himself.
And what would Chuck say? I could hardly boast about my record of representing people if I’d gotten pregnant by one of them. This was Hanson’s career, his life, my career, my life.
And there was nothing I could do about it. An abortion wasn’t an option for me. I had to play the hand I’d been dealt. I climbed into bed for the second time that day and pulled the covers over my head like a child, wishing it would all go away. I could schedule an appointment with a doctor, but I felt like it would be futile. I would only build false hope, and they would tell me the one thing I’d known all along. I was going to have a baby, whether I liked it or not.
I’d grown up knowing that I had to fend for myself, that I would always be alone, and the only way to survive it was to accept it. From a very young age, I hadn’t needed anyone. I was strong and independent, I could take care of my myself, and I didn’t need anyone to help me.
For the first time since I was a kid, I felt the loneliness acutely. I didn’t want to do this alone. I didn’t want to do this at all. What choice was I going to have? I had to do this, and the fewer people that knew about it, the better. For Hanson’s sake, at least, if not for my own.
For the first time in a long time, I wished I wasn’t alone. But shit happened, and this was the life I had chosen. I would have to face the music. There was no choice.
I looked at the pregnancy tests that I’d dumped in my sink again. Two lines.
How the hell had this happened to me?
Chapter 30 – Hanson
“I can’t figure her out,” I said to Brian when we were training together at the facility.
I had learned my lesson about going to public gyms. I had just finished on the treadmill. I sat on the bench watching Brian lift weights.
“What is she doing?” he asked.
“I don’t know, man. One moment, she’s all over me, making me feel like I’m everything she ever wanted, and the next, she’s so cold it kills me.”
“And your professional relationship?” Brian asked. “Doesn’t that have something to do with it?”
I shrugged. “I guess so. I just don’t get it.”
We sat in silence, the clank of the weights the only sound ringing around us.
“Where do you stand now?” Brian asked after a while.
I shook my head, even though he wasn’t looking at me. “She’s barely talking to me. Since Saturday, I haven’t heard from her. She wasn’t at the office at all on Monday, and the last time I talked to her, she was short with me.”
Brian finished his weights and sat up.
“I don’t know how to help you,” he said. “You don’t usually care about women, and they’re usually too clingy. Now it’s the other way around. I don’t know this Hanson any more than you know what she’s doing.”
I chuckled. “I’m not that bad,” I said.
Brian looked at me hard enough that I conceded.
“Yeah, okay. I get what you’re saying. She’s just impossible to read. It drives me crazy because I usually know women. But it’s not a big deal. I’ll just have to get ass somewhere else.”
I winked at Brian who shook his head.
“You’re something else,” he said, walking to the treadmill to finish his workout.
“I’m done here,” I said. “I’m going to hit the showers. I’ll see you later.”
Brian waved at me before pushing his speed up to a steady pace. I left the gym and walked to my locker. I had told Brian I would get ass somewhere else like I didn’t care, but I did care. I didn’t understand it, but I cared. I didn’t know what was going on with Lacey, and I didn’t like it.
Brian would never understand. He was hung up on an ex he saw as his star-crossed lover and I never even saw him hook up with anyone else. He never even hooked up with anyone at the party despite my urging. So how could he understand, when for whatever reason he kept himself closed off to contact of pretty much any kind whatsoever with other women? For once, talking to Brian about Lacey just wasn’t helping.
She had been upset about the photos of me and other women, almost like she’d been jealous. But I had been trying to make it clear that I wanted her and only her, and she wanted nothing to do with me.
If this was some kind of game she was playing, I didn’t understand it. At the party, she had been more than okay until the moment we’d been about to get down to it. She’d pulled away from me so fast and left me hanging with blue balls that I hadn’t wanted to take care of my needs with someone else.
When I’d tried to call her, she hadn’t answered her phone.
I was Hanson Bell. I never took it personally when a woman gave up on me. It was damn good riddance most of the time. But this time, it was almost offensive.
At least we had the meeting later today. She would be forced to see me, and maybe we would be able to figure something out. If this was the only way I was going to have contact with her, so be it.
Chapter 31 – Hanson
When I finally saw her, it was half an hour before our meeting was set to start. We met at an older building in Miami CBD. Lacey was already waiting for me when I arrived. She wore black pants and a green blouse that made her eyes look like the color of the ocean. Her lips were a pale pink and light pink toenails showed in her peep toe shoes. I walked to her and kissed her on the cheek.
She glanced at her watch when I pulled away as if the greeting had been no more than a handshake. It was hard to believe this woman was the same one that had come to my door, drunk out of her mind, and pulled me into bed with her.
“I want you to read over this before we go in there,” she said, handing me a paper. “This is the initiative of the company and what we’re trying to achieve through your working with them.”
I nodded and took the paper from her, glancing over it.
“You don’t want to run me through anything?” I asked.
Lacey shook her head. “I think that just about covers it.”
I nodded, looking at the page again. Giving me something like this was great, except for the fact that she really seemed uninterested in any more than the business at hand.
She was cold and distant. I couldn’t tell if she was upset with me. She didn’t seem a hundred percent okay, but when she spoke to me, there was no contempt in her voice. She didn’t seem upset or like she was biting anything back. She was just different.
“Please, talk to me,” I said after reading through the paper she’d given me.
“About what?” she asked, frowning
“I don’t know. Whatever’s going on with you. You’re so closed off it’s killing me. Are you angry?”
She shook her head. “There’s nothing to be angry about. Everything is going well, and there are no embarrassing photos of you online after the weekend. I’m only reading good things about you now, and that’s what we’ve been aiming for. You should be happy.”
Right. I nodded. I was happy, of course, with my progress and how things were going. I felt like I was a worthy team member again, and Coach seemed okay with me. Besides, doing these things had opened my eyes to the world around me.
When you had as much money as I did and spent so much time in only a few places, the gym, the field, and parties, you didn’t notice what was going on around you. I had lived this life of luxury long enough to have forgotten where I’d come from. Building up my image had somehow helped me build up myself.
If Lacey had been her usual self, everything would have been perfect.
“Here’s Mr. Clayton now,” Lacey said.
An
older man with black eyes and hair graying at the temples stepped out of the building. He held out his hand from a couple of feet away and came to me with a broad smile and lengthy steps.
“Mr. Bell, it’s such an honor to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” I said.
“Lacey,” Clayton said, shaking her hand, too, and holding on to it with both of his. “Please, come inside.”
We followed Clayton through a maze of dull brown corridors. The building was lifeless and beige, with everything built for efficiency only, no more.
“As you may know, we have several homeless shelters throughout Miami that we try to put our effort and money into. It’s a difficult job, though, and money runs out fast. We rely on volunteers to help us by dedicating their time and talents. This is where you come in, Hanson. We’re hoping that by jumping in and helping us out, you’ll set an example for your fans.”
I nodded. I hadn’t grown up without a home, but I had been poorer than a lot of my friends. I knew what something like this could do for someone. I couldn’t forget my roots. I had become way too comfortable in a life some people didn’t even dare to dream of.
“We have several places for you to get involved in,” Clayton said.
“I read through the options,” I said. “Of all of them, the youth programs and special events stood out to me the most. I would also like to donate to the food and clothing drives.”
I felt Lacey’s eyes on me and glanced at her. She was watching me, an expression on her face I couldn’t read.
“That’s fantastic, Hanson,” Clayton said. “We’re so excited to have you on board.”
He handed me a form to fill out with times and dates I would be available.
“We’ll be in contact,” Clayton said, after he explained few of their processes to me. “And I look forward to having you on our team of do-gooders.”
We left the offices.
“What was that all about?” Lacey asked.
“What?”
“You looked like you were really into it. I thought this would be a punishment for you.”