by Eva Luxe
Maybe she’s just being nosy. She’s been looking particularly happy all day, for a woman whose boyfriend is about to go off to war. I’m relieved when the pizza arrives, and I can eat instead of being grilled about my whereabouts.
“This is really delicious,” Whitney says, and I’m glad that she’s done being skeptical of me.
She’s the only one who of us except for Mom who hasn’t been here. It’s been a favorite of Harlow’s and Jensen’s and mine, and Jensen introduced Riley to it fairly recently.
Mom appears to enjoy the pizza, but she doesn’t say anything one way or the other. She’s boycotting me, and refusing to have a good time, because I’m making her move out. I don’t know why she thought I’d let her stay in my house alone, but it’s not happening, no matter how much of a fuss she makes.
“Well, Mom,” says Harlow, mid-way through the meal. “I wanted to tell you that I love you and I’ll miss you while I’m gone.”
“Me too,” I say, between bites.
“I’m glad we could take this little trip together,” Harlow continues.
“Me too,” I agree again.
“And Whitney and I have an exciting announcement to share,” he says.
I’m about to say “Me too,” just out of habit, but my mouth hangs open, as I realize what he’s about to say. Both Jensen and Riley look shocked, too. Mom just goes on eating, as if she doesn’t know, or doesn’t want to know, that something exciting is happening.
“What?” Riley says, looking at Whitney with a slow smile that spreads across her face.
“Yes, we’re engaged,” says Harlow, nodding solemnly but with obvious glee peeking through.
Whitney reaches into her purse and pulls out a diamond ring. She slips it on her finger, glowing brightly.
“I decided to hide it until Harlow made the announcement,” she says. “For shock value.”
“Very nice!” says Riley, reaching across the table for her hand. “Let me see!”
She holds up Whitney’s finger, displaying the large diamond glistening brightly.
“Good job,” I tell Harlow, a little miffed that he hadn’t even included me in the preparation discussions. “I can’t miss it from here.”
“Hazard pay comes in handy,” he laughs. “And I didn’t want to leave for Afghanistan before putting a ring on it. So, I popped the question yesterday.”
He says it in a nonchalant way, but it’s obvious he’s happy. I would have thought that Harlow had become such a sap, if I didn’t know how much he truly cares for Whitney, and how good they are together.
“Well congratulations, Harlow,” Mom says, dryly.
She’s always been a bit jealous of any other girls, and I’m sure she was happier when all three of her sons were single.
Whitney doesn’t let Mom’s tone get in the way of her happiness.
“Thank you, Mrs. Bradford,” she says, blushing and gushing at the same time. “I’m really so happy that Harlow proposed. It’ll make the separation so much easier.”
“It’ll go faster now that you can plan for a wedding!” Riley says. “How did he propose? Fill us in on all the details!”
“Well,” says Whitney, smiling so much she can barely talk. “He took me to the duck pond at UNM, and we had a picnic lunch. He’d made sandwiches and brought wine and everything.”
“Impressive!” I shoot a proud glance at my baby brother.
“Did you have any idea what was coming?” Riley asks.
“No, not at all!” Whitney says. “We had discussed getting married eventually, but it always seemed like an in-the-future type of conversation. Since we haven’t been together that long, I assumed it would be something we discussed more in depth when he got back. Although, of course, if it were up to me, we would already be…”
She takes a deep breath, and we all know that she was about to say “married by now.” But she catches herself, and says “We would have gotten engaged right away! That’s how sure I am.”
“Awww!” says Riley.
“Yeah, so I thought it was just a going away picnic,” Whitney continues. “I knew it was super romantic and sweet, but I had no idea what was really coming my way. But then he took out some bread crumbs so we could feed the ducks. One of them was much heavier than normal…”
“…and I said, ‘You probably won’t want to feed that one to the ducks,’” Harlow jumps in, laughing.
Whitney is cracking up.
“He had hid the ring inside a big piece of bread to surprise me, but then he was afraid I’d throw it away and it’d be gone forever,” she says.
“I began to worry that I’d hid it too well!” Harlow says. “I imagined some duck getting it and swallowing it, or taking it into the pond, where it would sink down to the bottom. Either way, we’d never see it again!”
“You’d have to take the duck to the vet and do something to make him… well, you know… since we’re still eating…” Riley says, laughing along with Whitney.
Everyone’s laughing now, even Mom.
“So, I kind of ruined it…” Harlow says.
“No, you didn’t!” Whitney protests. “It was perfect!”
“…but in the end, I think I pulled off the surprise pretty well. I got down one knee on the picnic blanket and asked her to marry me, since she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Awww,” Riley coos.
She looks almost as choked up as Whitney does. I have to admit, it’s really touching.
“Good job, brother!” says Jensen, raising his plastic glass of soda.
“To Harlow and Whitney!” I say. “Long live the latest Bradford couple.”
“Another one bites the dust,” Jensen says, and we laugh as we toast.
If he only knew, I can’t help but think. I may be the latest Bradford Brother to have fallen in love, even though I wish it weren’t true.
Chapter 26 – Ramsey
Later, as Harlow helps Whitney onto the train platform, and she turns around to look at him with sparkling eyes, I feel a surprising pang of longing and loss.
Or perhaps it isn’t that surprising.
I know that Monica and I shared something I’ve never felt for anyone before. But that doesn’t mean it can last, like Harlow and Whitney or Jensen and Riley. There’s no way it could be the real thing.
Could it?
I’m quiet during the train ride back, although everyone else’s mood is boisterous and happy. Whitney takes time out from discussing wedding plans with Riley to ask, “Hey Ramsey, you okay?”
“Yes, of course,” I tell her. “I just don’t have much to contribute in the way of details about flowers or decorations.”
“But you’ll play the guitar for the ceremony, right?” she asks.
“Sure.”
“Oh good. I need to steal that element from Jensen and Riley’s wedding. It was beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
I smile at her, and turn back to my thoughts of Monica once Whitney and Riley start discussing catering options.
***
When we get back to Albuquerque, I say goodbye to Riley and Whitney— neither of whom I’ll see again for six months— before they drive Mom home. I’ll say goodbye to her tomorrow morning before I leave.
And then there’s only one thing left for Jensen, Harlow and I to do before tomorrow arrives. We go to my dad’s gravesite.
His tombstone is a bit dusty, so we sweep it off until we can read the words on his headstone clearly:
James Bradford:
Devoted Father and Beloved Friend.
Then we prop up a wreath we brought, made out of blue and white flowers— his favorite color was blue. I know that the flowers will wilt and die long before I’m here again, but it comforts me to imagine that Dad knows we visit him and that we’re thinking of him.
“Dad,” I say, always the ringleader in these sorts of things. “Harlow and I are going back to Afghanistan tomorrow, but only for six months. We’ll be back soon.”
“And we have something to celebrate,” Harlow adds. “Whitney and I are engaged.”
“Can you believe it?” asks Jensen. “Two of your three sons, tied to an old ball and chain.”
There’s an awkward silence. The mood isn’t as jovial as it was at the restaurant or on the train. I guess we’re all thinking of saying, “Don’t worry, Dad. It’ll turn out okay.”
No one wants to be reminded of how it didn’t work out for Dad— how I’m the only one with the guarantee of escaping heartache. Or at least, as far as they know.
I wish I could tell Dad that I found someone, too. Except, I didn’t. Did I? I’m so confused and I only wish my dad could be here to give me some advice.
“Okay, Ramsey, do you want to play the song now?” Jensen asks, jarring me out of my thoughts.
“Sure.”
I’m glad to have something else to think about. Something else to do.
I pick up my guitar and play the song I wrote for Dad, which is something that’s quickly becoming a tradition when the three of us gather at Dad’s gravesite.
I always wanted to say goodbye.
But how can I do that when I can’t let go?
I never wanted to say goodbye.
Because you’re still with me, wherever I go.
When I finish playing, the lyrics haunt me. I wrote them for Dad— before I even knew Monica— but now they’ve taken on a new, additional meaning, involving her.
“Well, I’m going to go ahead and get home,” Jensen says, nodding towards his bike. “I’ll come pick you both up in Riley’s car tomorrow morning, and drive you to the base.”
“Sounds great, thanks,” Harlow says. He lingers near the grave, his foot kicking up a little bit of grass, and I can sense that he’d like some alone time with Dad. I guess he has some things to discuss in private.
“See you in the morning,” I say, hugging him.
“Night.”
I walk back to my Jeep, and turn the engine on. The Just For One Weekend soundtrack that Monica made me starts blasting right away, and it happens to be randomly playing “Under the Bridge.”
At least I have the love of a damn fine city like Albuquerque, I think to myself. But the city really is my only companion.
And whose fault is that? I ask myself.
I sit in the Jeep while the sun sets, until I see Harlow head to his car, on the other side of the parking lot. If he notices me still sitting here, he doesn’t acknowledge me, and I’m grateful for that.
Once I see him drive away, I turn off the Jeep and walk back down to Dad’s gravesite.
“I wanted to ask you something, Dad, before I leave. I mean, even though I know you’re always with me, everywhere, I wanted to tell you here at your gravesite,” I say out loud. “I know that you and Mom had a bad ending, but a good start. You were in love with her, and you always did everything you could to let her and everyone else know.”
I pause.
I can almost hear my dad’s voice, see his kind eyes.
What’s your question, Son?
“I used to think you were weak for loving her so much,” I tell him. “I didn’t really understand. But now I see it was what you lived your life for. Mom, and us, gave you purpose and meaning. And that’s more than a lot of people have in their lifetime. So I guess my question is…”
Yes?
“How did you know it was real love? How did you know it was worth risking— and enduring— heartache for?”
There’s silence, of course. I didn’t really expect my dad to be able to answer.
But I already know the answer, just as clearly as if he was saying it to me out loud.
When it’s real, you just know it. You just feel it. And you can’t fight it, no matter how hard you try.
Chapter 27 – Monica
4 Months Later
I’m in the hospital, and I’m so scared.
“Everything’s going to be all right,” Susan reassures me, stroking my free hand, the one that isn’t hooked up to IVs and wires. Then she pats me on the shoulder, her hand touching the thin cloth material of my hospital gown. “I think this can be perfectly normal in pregnancy.”
“Perfectly normal? Susan, I don’t think so.”
She looks hurt, and I know she’s only trying to help, so I add, “I mean, I hope you’re right, but I think bleeding and cramps are signs of… abnormal things… in pregnancy.”
Not to mention the pelvic pressure that won’t let me sleep or walk, I think. But I don’t want to scare Susan any more than she already is.
“You’re past the miscarriage timeframe, though,” she says. “It might be normal later in pregnancy for things to go a little… wonky.”
She’s right that I made it past the most common miscarriage point, much to my delight. I tried not to let myself get too excited about this pregnancy— and I certainly didn’t tell anyone other than Susan— until after twelve weeks had passed and I was safely in the second trimester.
As the baby has grown, so has my excitement. I enjoy knowing that I have a little secret that only the baby and I know about— and a few select others. After I told my parents, and my friend Trish from high school, I knew no one would ever understand.
“Who’s the father?” they wanted to know, right away.
“I’d prefer to keep that to myself,” is my standard answer.
“Was it a… one night stand?” Trish asked, lowering her voice as if we were discussing a horrible event instead of the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
“No,” I told her, snappishly. Not exactly, anyway.
“Don’t you think he has the right to know?” asked my mother, furrowing her brow at me in disapproval.
“Maybe, but I don’t think everyone else has that right,” I’d shrugged, defiantly.
But really, the question of whether or not he— Ramsey— had the right to know has been weighing heavily on me. I haven’t been able to get him out of my head, and it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeding my fantasies by playing that damn sound track music over and over again.
He’d even called a couple times, but each time was brief and hurried. He’d told me that he was safe, that he couldn’t tell me his unit’s exact location due to strict security measures, but that they didn’t have good communication abilities with the outside world and he would try to call in a couple months once they changed locations— which would be any day now.
Sometimes I wonder if his phone calls were just ways to distance himself from my life and slowly fade away. But then, why call at all? To ease his conscience? To talk to me without really talking to me? It was confusing.
Something tells me, though, that I should have faith in him. He’ll call me again when he can, and hopefully we’ll be able to talk longer, just like he said. I have no reason not to take him at his word, as he’s never lied to me. In fact, he’s been excruciatingly honest.
And I suppose I should tell him about the baby when we can next talk. Although that could bring him more stress in an already stressful situation. Maybe I should wait until he gets back, although he might never want to know.
He might think I tricked him by telling him I couldn’t get pregnant. I think the thing I fear most is a negative reaction from him, so it’s easier to keep it to myself. On the other hand, I don’t even have any contact information for Ramsey, so even during the times I start to feel very strongly that I need to tell him, I have no way of doing so.
As the doctor comes back into my room, I’m quickly reminded that what I fear the most is something being wrong with this pregnancy. I’m already so attached to the baby, and would hate to lose it.
I’m in the process from retiring from the Air Force and feel ready to focus on motherhood. First, I’m using my sick leave and maternity leave and then after that I’ll get out for good. I don’t know how I would cope with a pregnancy loss, especially this far along.
Chapter 28 – Monica
“Ms. Carrington,” the doctor says, sittin
g down in a chair, beside my bed. Susan scoots her plastic chair over to the wall, to make more room. “According to the ultrasound results, everything looks good with your baby. He’s doing just fine in there.”
“He’s?” I ask, a slow smile spreading across my face.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor says. “I assumed the ultrasound tech told you the gender. Did you not want to know?”
“Yes, I do want to know,” I tell her. “I mean, I would have been happy with either gender. I just want a healthy baby. But it’s so sweet that it’s a boy.”
I smile at Susan and say, “A boy cousin for Mason! Becky will be disappointed it’s not a girl.”
I instantly feel more of a connection to him now that I know his gender. I’ll have to start thinking of names.
“We’ll start getting the nursery ready, with little boy clothes, and we can paint it blue…” Susan says, sounding nearly as excited as I am.
I continue to smile at her. I’m really grateful for her help and support. It’s funny, how at first I was the one helping her, and now the tables have pretty much turned. But I think that my having this baby gives both of us some much needed focus, and hope.
“So, yes, the baby is fine,” says the doctor. “But your ultrasound and internal exam show that you may have an incompetent cervix. That could certainly explain your recent symptoms.”
“A what?” I ask her.
Incompetent sounds scary, as if my cervix can’t do its job. I have to remember basic biology lessons to remind myself that the cervix is the lower part of my uterus, that closes off the womb from the outside world. I know it’s the thing that dilates during labor, but that’s about all I know about it.
“It basically means that there is weak cervical tissue,” the doctor explains.
Then she looks at my chart. “This is your first pregnancy, correct?”
“Yes.”