Saving Me (Finding You #3)

by Amanda Mackey

  A look of sympathy washed over his face. “I know, angel. It’s really okay. Just let yourself roll with it. The meds they’ve put you on knock your emotions into neutral gear. Don’t try and force yourself to feel anything. You will, when the time is right.”

  I hoped he was right. I hated being this way. I hated being a burden. Someone that people felt sorry for. Poor little Dakota. She’s been through so much. Let’s treat her like glass. God, even thinking that, I felt like a bitch.

  “I have some news too.” His voice was soft.

  “Oh?”

  “They’re releasing me tonight instead of tomorrow. I guess they need the bed, but I’m good to go now anyway. Looks like I’m going to be on crutches for a while.”

  Crutches. Yeah, I’d been there. Knew what it was like to hobble around with limited movement.

  “That’s great, right? I bet you can’t wait to leave.”

  “Yes and no. Glad I’ll be out of the hospital but sorry I’ll be leaving you.”

  “I’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I’m tough, remember?” That was a lie. The last thing I felt like was tough. Tough had been beaten out of me. Tough had been left back at Big Bear Lake when John had walked into the general store after I’d foolishly thought I’d found freedom and then he’d driven me back to the cabin to reclaim what he had thought was rightfully his.

  Kyle’s lips tightened as if he could read my lie. “I’m not going far, though. I’m staying in a motel nearby so I’ll be here to visit you every day until you’re allowed to go home.”

  “What about Daniel?”

  “He’ll stay with my folks for a couple of days and then I’ll go get him and have him stay with me a couple of nights. He can come visit you if you want.”

  I was nervous about seeing anyone. Maybe it was just my screwed up mind at the moment telling me those I loved would see me as different now. I was different but the thought of others looking at me the way I’d seen on both Kyle and Joseph’s faces, knowing what I’d gone through, had me wanting to shun everyone.

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “He misses you and really wants to visit.”

  Even if I didn’t want loved ones to see me like this, I knew I would have to go through the motions. They cared about me. I should stop being so self-absorbed. If I pushed away those that cherished me I would have no one.

  “I guess he can come. Just explain to him that I’m not quite…myself.”

  Kyle offered me a dimpled smile. “He’ll just be happy to see you, regardless.”

  It felt like years since I’d seen him. So much had happened. Funny how a monumental event could shift and warp time to either drag out excruciatingly or make hours seem like minutes, depending on if the experience was good or bad.

  Libby decided to flounce into the room in that instant, eyes like dinner plates when she spotted Kyle in all his handsomeness.

  “Well, hello there! I’m Dakota’s nurse, Libby. And you are?” She held out her hand and Kyle shook it, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

  “Nice to meet you, Libby. I’m Kyle, and I was just leaving.” He looked at me with eyebrows raised at the over-zealous nurse.

  “Oh, you don’t have to go on my account. I’m just doing my rounds. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

  Kyle had already started turning the wheels on his chair as he looked to me. “No. I have a few things to organize before I leave this evening.” Still locking his eyes with mine, he whispered, “I love you. I’ll come back before I leave.”

  I nodded and offered him a forced smile. “Okay. Bye.”

  When we were alone, Libby wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm. “Boy, you hit the jackpot with that one. I’d be keeping him on a tight leash.” She fanned her face as if overcome with heat and I suddenly wondered how she knew Kyle and I were together.

  “How do you know that he’s with me?”

  She tapped her nose in a gesture of ‘that’s my secret.’ “I have my ways, hon.” Pumping up the cuff, she read my blood pressure. “How are you doing anyway? I see you’ve eaten lunch. That’s good.”

  “Yeah. I actually feel a little better after a proper meal.”

  “Well, that’s great. You’ll be back home before you know it.”

  That scared me. Home. Life. Reality. I could see Libby looking puzzled at my facial expressions.

  “You don’t want to return home?”

  “I…it’s frightening.”

  She sat on the side of the bed, folding the cuff and resting it beside her. “Honey, what scares you so much about returning home?”

  I could feel my head shaking from side to side. “Everything.” It came out so softly I wondered if she’d heard me.

  “As much as I’d love to keep you, I’m sure your loved ones are itching to have you back so they can take care of you. And that handsome man? If he was mine, I would have discharged myself from here ages ago.” She laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but then turned serious when I didn’t respond. “I know everything might seem dark right now but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. The light is those that care about us and love us. We need to make our way to that light and surround ourselves with it. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

  Some scattered part of me inside knew she was right. I just needed to connect that part with some form of emotion. “I feel lost.”

  It was the first time I’d spoken to anyone about it. I didn’t know why I was now. Maybe it was because Libby wasn’t tethered to me in any way, shape, or form. What made her so different than the psychologist? It could have been the fact that the psychologist was being paid to try and get me to open up. I was another case for her. Another file to add to her large collection so that I could be stuffed in a metal drawer with all the other mental patient notes.

  Libby didn’t have an agenda. She was just making conversation.

  When she reached out and touched my wrist, I instinctively pulled back, but undeterred, she grasped the other one before I had the chance to pull it away. “Shhh. You’re safe. I won’t hurt you.” Her fingers moved down to my hand and I had to shut my eyes and squeeze my jaw in an attempt to keep it there.

  “He really screwed you up, didn’t he?”

  My eyes flew open at the same time my mouth dropped. “You know?”

  “Yeah. When you were brought in we were all given a rundown on your injuries and how you sustained them. I can’t begin to imagine what you had to endure.” She was squeezing my hand, and for an instant I forgot about being touched while my mind flicked to everyone knowing what had happened. As numb as the drugs had made me, my eyes began to glisten with tears, derived from some place in me that I didn’t know existed any more.

  Libby kept going. “You’re not to blame for any of it. You’re the victim. You had no say in anything. You’re beautiful and special. Even if you can’t see it right now, you are. Don’t give away your power to anyone. Don’t let him win.”

  Tears dropped onto the sheets as Libby held my hand firm. “I think he’s already won.”

  “No! You’re the winner. Don’t you see? You’re here. He’s not. You have the opportunity to rise up now, better and stronger than you ever were before. He’s gone for good. You still have the world at your feet.”

  Was it ever going to sink in that he was gone? It seemed like a dream that I would wake up from soon. It would continue to feel like that unless I saw it with my own eyes. With that thought, I sat up straighter, resisting the ache in my ribs.

  “Where is he?”

  “The man that put you in here?”

  “Yes.”

  “He’s in the morgue. Why.”

  “I need to see him.”

  Libby pulled her hand away and shot me a skeptical look. “Uh. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  No. She was wrong. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to see him.

  “Please. Take me to him. I have to do this. I have to see with my own eyes
that he’s dead.”

  “I can’t make that decision but I’ll go check with your doctor and psychologist.”

  Rising from the bed, she listened to my heart and drew some blood before leaving.

  What had come over me? Why did seeing my ex-husband’s lifeless body manifest the first sign of emotion I’d felt in days? Was this part of the healing process? The closure that I needed?

  Did I need to see the truth for myself? Or was it just some sadistic part of me that would revel in seeing his shell stripped from any sign of life? Something I had longed to see for years. Had dreamt about.

  Would I feel the first signs of joy at staring at him that way? I couldn’t answer that. I’d just wait to see what the outcome of my bizarre request would be. A faint tic in my jaw resembled the early onset of a smile.

  Chapter

  Thirty-Seven

  Dakota

  It was seven-thirty before my wish was granted. Kyle had popped in to see me to say goodbye, promising to return the next morning. His hand had gone to touch my face twice and each time he’d dropped it back to his side, holding back on any affection for now, for which I was thankful.

  I didn’t mention going down to the morgue, as he’d only worry or want to accompany me and this was something I needed to do alone. Well, apart from my psychologist Donna and nurse Libby. That was the one condition that I was allowed a private viewing of the deceased was if Donna came too. She must have worried I was going to totally go off my rocker to have stayed back after her workday had finished to escort me.

  I was in a wheelchair, and as promised, Libby had removed the drip now that I had eaten and been drinking. It made things easier on everyone and meant I could move around without having to take anything else along for the ride.

  When we exited the large elevator and stopped outside two double doors, I knew we had arrived.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Libby, giving me the option to back out.

  I gasped in a few breaths and squeaked out a quiet, “Yes.”

  The room consisted of metal drawers lining one of the long walls, four gurneys in the center, and medical equipment on trolleys next to the gurneys. The smell of bleach stung my nostrils.

  And there was something else that hung in the air, hiding beneath the sterile, acidic odor. Death? Or maybe it was more my knowing the room was filled with dead bodies. Either way, I shivered as Libby pushed me down the side wall and stopped towards the end.

  My breathing had quickened and I found myself gripping the edges of the chair. This was what I wanted. This was what I needed.

  The chair was turned to face the drawers and Libby proceeded to pull on a handle to my left, revealing a long flat surface with a lumpy mound entombed in plastic. John.

  Liquid in the form of perspiration trickled down my forehead as I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, the way a weight lifter might just before he attempts the ‘clean and jerk.’

  “Dakota?” It was Donna who had knelt beside me, watching me for signs of meltdown.

  “Hmm?” I was totally focused on the sheathed mound, unable to tear my eyes away for a second.

  “Are you ready?”

  “Do it!” In my peripheral vision I saw Donna nod to Libby, who proceeded to unzip the body bag away from John’s face.

  I was unmoving but vocal as my short pants became throaty grunts as I worked my way through the vision before me.

  It may have been Donna’s hand on my arm, I wasn’t sure. I was frozen to the chair. Couldn’t move or pull away if I’d wanted to.

  The pale, damaged face with eyes shut and as still as I was, resembled nothing of the creature that had snarled and raged at me days earlier. I blinked and squinted, trying to turn him into the evil bastard that he had been, but all I could conjure up was a pathetic, pitiful man that had lost all his power the moment he’d taken his last breath. All those years I’d thought him bigger, stronger, and better than I and here now, looking at him like this, I knew that wasn’t the case. He was a frail human like the rest of us and that when it all came down to it, he was nothing more than flesh and bones. He would rot and turn into nothing.

  I found myself speaking out loud without even meaning to. “You’re not so tough now, are you? Huh? Where’s all that anger gone, Mr. Invincible? Look at you. You look just like the slab of meat that you are. All those years of abuse. For what? This? I wish you were here to see yourself. The real you. The man you should have been instead of the one you became.”

  My eyes welled up but I held up my hand when Libby started to zip the body bag up again, seeing that I was the most vocal she’d witnessed.

  Donna still had a hold of my arm but now was rubbing it in a gesture of comfort which only an hour ago would have had me hyperventilating. My brain had shifted from defense mode to offense mode.

  “I hated you. So much. You filled me with bitterness and resentment. You stole my dignity and made me do things against my will. You weren’t a husband. That wasn’t a title you deserved. I still hate you. But as I sit here saying things to you that I should have said long ago, I realize just what sort of power over me you yielded because I had to wait until you were stiff and cold before I could muster the guts to tell you just how much you fucked me up!”

  I was yelling now and heaving from sobs that seemed to stir with my words. My arm flung off the chair, fist clenched so I could punch the life out of him without any fear of retaliation. The first time ever. I managed to get one punch to his cheek, which barely moved his head because of rigor mortis before Donna had me pushed back into the chair with my hands held firmly.

  Donna zipped the plastic cover back up, hiding John from me for the final time.

  “I hate you. You’re nothing, you sack of shit! Ha. Finally I get the last word, you fucked up asshat!”

  Donna had me on the move back to the ward as I still screamed out obscenities, feeling better than I had in ages.

  A giggle erupted from my mouth mixed in with my sobbing as I realized just how good it felt to get all that off my chest, knowing that he was the loser in all this. His body had looked so vulnerable for the first time ever that it made me want to fist my hand in the air in triumph. He truly was gone. Karma had finally been dished out.

  As we entered my room I said to Donna, “I suppose you’ll give me an extra dose of numbing pills after that little episode?”

  She sounded surprised. “Numbing pills?”

  “Yeah. The medication you’ve been giving me to suppress my emotions until I deal with everything.”

  “I don’t know who told you that you were being given numbing pills. The only thing you’ve been given is sedatives to help you sleep and to keep you calm.”

  “But I haven’t been able to feel anything.”

  “Why, that’s your body’s way of dealing with this. It shut off your emotions all by itself as a coping mechanism.”

  “So you’re not turning me into a zombie?”

  Donna laughed for the first time. “Absolutely not. And it would appear my hunch about letting you go to the morgue to get some closure has worked. You needed to voice words that have been suppressed inside of you for too long.”

  Suddenly I liked her just a little.

  “Do you need help getting back into bed?”

  I shook my head. I could do it myself. I pushed myself up and onto the bed and nestled under the covers. Exhaustion took hold and I was out.

  Chapter

  Thirty-Eight

  Dakota

  With the new day that dawned came a shift in my awareness. I had slept the night through without sedatives. The trip to the morgue had indeed begun to thaw the frost that had consumed me. It was over. Finally and truly over. The big, bad wolf was dead. He couldn’t hurt me anymore.

  While returning to life still scared me, and even though a huge amount of guilt had both its hands wrapped around my throat at putting those I cared about in danger by even being associated with John, a certain weight had
been lifted. The weight of fear. I had lived with it for so long that it had become an invisible abscess, slowly leaching its poison into my veins. It would be strange to not have that almost comfortable presence. To have to learn to live without it. Maybe that’s what scared me about moving forward. Learning to become truly happy again. To be honest, even on Sapphire Island, falling in love with Kyle, I don’t think I’d truly given of myself for I had always been trapped in that prison of fear.

  I’d been sent down for an x-ray to check my ribs and then returned to my room.

  The smell of lupines blanketed me in their aroma and for the briefest of moments I let them carry me away to the day Kyle had bought the beach house. I hadn’t even spent my first night there yet. Hadn’t woken to the sound of the ocean nudging the shore or spent quality time walking from room to room, getting to know my new home.

  Kyle and Daniel hadn’t either. I felt like I owed them so much. They didn’t deserve the weight of all my crap. I hoped I would be able to make it up to them.

  After breakfast, Donna came in for my second session. I opened up a little more, still keeping my cards fairly close to my chest. We talked about my family back in Australia some more and what I liked to do in my spare time, keeping everything neutral.

  At the end of the session she asked how I was feeling after visiting the morgue the previous night.

  Seeing my ex-husband laid out on the metal slab had made it all real and final. “It helped, I think. I guess I truly didn’t believe it was all over until Libby pulled that plastic away from his face.”

  “What are you feeling now?”

  “I know there’s still a long way for me to go but there’s a sense of relief. I just can’t believe he had to be killed to be stopped.”

  “He was very ill. Nothing you did could have prevented the outcome. He created his own ending. You were just the pawn in the middle of it all.”

  “I know. Still, some part of me feels responsible for turning him into a monster. Could I have been a better wife? Could I have been more attentive or cooked nicer meals? Kept the house cleaner?”