The night air was cool but it felt good. She breathed in the saltiness of it, and the fragrances of the myriad flowers that decorated the yard. It was like heaven being there. To think she could live there for the rest of her life was unbelievable. She should be happy. She thought she was. But those dreams – most of them were about Richard. Things he’d said, lies he’d told. Why did they haunt her now? She was through with all that, through with him.
The pain killers weren’t kicking in as they usually did. Fawn was restless, needed a distraction. She slipped inside, grabbed some flip flops and threw a denim jacket over her pajamas. Then she clutched the house keys and her cell phone, and sprang out the doors and down a well-worn path to the beach.
The moon was still blindingly bright. She could see every step before her, felt safe in making a trek along the shore. A dog barked; she jumped but realized he was locked behind the closed glass door of a crisp white beach house. It was a very modern structure, not her taste at all – too linear, too cold, like an office building or a hospital. She took her time, examining each house on down the line, deciding whether she liked this one or hated that one. The distraction worked – her headache subsided. She was calm again.
On the return trip Fawn tried to ignore the Trahern house – she had deliberately walked in the opposite direction but now as she neared the path it was impossible not to look at it. The lights were out; surely the boy was asleep. She stopped, dared to admire the design of it – her grandfather’s design. He should have been an architect. It was the most pleasing combination of styles, symmetrical yet quirky, sophisticated but with a humor about it. Of course it was a bit run-down; even by moonlight she could tell that.
She found herself feeling a bit envious of Taury Trahern. It would be great fun renovating a treasured old house; especially one that had meant so much to her family.
She gathered her courage, decided to walk around the side yard, to get a better look at the shape of the house.
“It’s kind of late for sight seeing, isn’t it?” a male voice asked. Fawn nearly hopped out of her skin. She turned, saw a dark figure coming towards her; a figure with bright blond hair.
THREE
As he came closer Fawn squinted, trying to see his face, but it was too shadowy in the pathway.
“I’m sorry,” she stuttered. “I didn’t mean to trespass. I took a walk and was just going back home.”
“Oh, you’re Connie’s granddaughter?”
“Yes. I didn’t realize you knew her.”
“Sure. I used to see her and Emmy on the beach when I was a kid. Sometimes I’d walk with them. My sister did, too. They were a couple of classy ladies.”
“You’re right, they were.”
His voice was nice, smooth and rather sensuous. She thought of her earlier fantasy, and her heart caught in her throat. Thank goodness he couldn’t see her!
“Would you like to come in for a minute? I’m restless tonight, tried to sleep but I guess I’ve got too much on my mind.”
“Me, too. I thought I’d be able to sleep really well by the sea. I always did before.” She hesitated about his offer, but her curiosity got the better of her. She had to see his face, or burst! “I’ll come in, but I can’t stay long. It is really late.”
He nodded, pointed her towards the back entry, which was accessed through a lovely screened-in porch. They entered the kitchen; he switched on a light and turned towards her.
You’d think she was looking at a movie star the way her heart jumped. He was utterly beautiful – soft, deep set blue eyes, a lean, slightly pointy nose, a strong, dimpled chin, and his mouth – well, it was full enough to nibble on but not so big that it could swallow her, even though she kind of wished it would. That tight feeling in her insides started again.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I guess I’m more tired than I thought. I’d better get on home.”
“Can’t you stay for a second or two? I’d like to take a good look at you.”
“What?”
“I mean I’ve been wondering what you looked like, close up. I’ve seen you up there on the patio a few times before, when Connie was alive. You got my curiosity going.”
“Well, I’m nothing much to see; just an ordinary woman.”
“Oh, I’ll have to disagree with you. I don’t think you’re ordinary at all.”
Fawn lowered her gaze, thinking how idiotic it was for her to be embarrassed in the presence of a boy her own age. That’s all he was, really, though his appearance denied it. He looked far older than twenty two.
“You don’t know me.”
“Yet,” he added, smiling.
Fawn laughed nervously. “I’d better be going. It was nice to meet you.”
“But … we didn’t even introduce ourselves.” He held out a muscular, suntanned hand. “I’m Taury Trahern. Short for Taurus. My mother is a real astrology freak.”
Fawn took his hand; the tightening inside her increased. She slipped her hand away.
“I’m Fawn Hamilton.”
“That’s right. I remember Connie telling me your name once. It’s a pretty name, about as unusual as mine.”
“Yes, I had a devil of a time in school with it. Kids can be so mean.”
“True. But where I went to school my name was average. Celebrity kids get stuck with the worst names. It’s no wonder they grow up damaged. Of course, they all gave me the nickname ‘Candyman’ because my family runs the Trahern Candy Company.”
“Candyman? That could be cute, or scary. Remember the horror movies?”
“Sure. I’ve seen just about every horror flick out there. I got to say I prefer the old ones, like The Haunting, where they let your imagination scare you. The unknown is more frightening than anything the make-up guys and special effects teams can whip up.”
“I feel the same way. My favorite old horror film is The Spiral Staircase. Connie had one of her first walk-ons in that picture. You’ve probably never heard of it.”
“No, but I’d like to see it. Maybe next time it’s on, you could invite me up for a viewing?”
Fawn ventured a full look at his face. His eyes were scanning her figure as he spoke. She felt really uncomfortable, began to back towards the door.
“Maybe. Well, Good Night.”
He followed her out onto the screen porch, held the outer door for her.
“Would you like me to walk you home?”
“No, I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl, you know.”
“Yeah, just the right size.”
She was glad the porch was dark. His warm breath had brushed her cheek, causing her own breath to run short. It seemed insane to her that he was having such a strong effect on her emotions. She’d been near attractive guys before; Richard had lots of handsome though rather slimy friends. None of them had brought forth any kind of arousal in her. And there were the usual pool sweepers and pizza delivery pretty boys. Not once had she been anything but professional with them.
But this one was different. Even before she’d seen his face he was driving her to wild fantasies like she’d never dared have in the past. And now that she had gotten so close, looked into those eyes, felt his touch, and his warm, sweet breath she was desperately hungry for him. It mortified her to the point that she rushed from the beach house yard towards the pathway without getting her bearings. Her flip flop slid off her foot, twisting her ankle; she tumbled to the ground.
“Whoa!” he said. “What’s the hurry? Are you okay?”
Fawn gathered her dignity and drew up on her feet.
“I’m fine,” she lied. “Her ankle was smarting, but she refused to let him see her pain. “Good Night.”
“Good Night.”
She retrieved her shoe and hurried up the path without looking back.
Once on her patio she slumped down on a chaise lounge and began to rub her swelling ankle.
“Great!” she thought. “Just what I need!”
She entered the house, headed straight for
the bathroom. Her panties had felt strangely damp while at the beach house. She pulled them down, expecting an early period, but they were wet from her being aroused, soaked through in fact. Fawn’s chin dropped. She looked into the mirror at her windblown hair, flushed cheeks and tired eyes.
“Who are you?” she asked herself.
The next morning her ankle seemed fine, if a tad bit sore. She thanked her lucky stars and set out to have a busy day of cleaning and jewelry designing. First, though, she grabbed a tub of strawberry yogurt from the fridge and ate it slowly as she always did, savoring the cool, tart pleasure of it. Garbo and Harlow were out on the side porch, curled up and napping on a white-painted iron daybed that Connie had kept out there just for Fawn. It was a perfect place to sleep on warm summer nights, with the sea singing her a soothing lullaby and the breeze calming her fears.
Across the very private side yard stood a tiny guest house; it was only a square stone box divided up into a small living area with a kitchenette, a bedroom, and a bath, with its own little porch offering glorious sea views. Fawn had awakened with the guest house in her mind, and decided it would make a much better craft studio. It had sat empty for years; didn’t even have any furniture, which gave her a great excuse to peruse all the local flea markets and shops.
Her financial situation was pretty well fixed. The sale of the mansion netted a good sum which was to be split down the middle between her and Richard. The divorce laws in California were fairly straightforward, at least as she understood them. Stephanie had advised her to hold off on taking possession of the bungalow until the divorce was final, so Richard would have no claim on it. She did, though she didn’t think he’d ever try for it. He hated that house, didn’t much like Connie – probably because she saw through his guise, and never let him treat Fawn badly when they were there together.
Her cell beeped; she flipped it open.
“Fawn, it’s me,” her mom said. “Are you settled in?”
“Yeah. I was going to call you last night, but it was late. How are you today?”
“I’m all right. The panic attacks haven’t happened as often since I started following the suggestions in the book you gave me. Thanks for finding it.”
“You’re welcome. You know, I spent most of last night looking over Connie’s photo albums. I’m sure she would have liked for you to have some of them…”
“If she had, she would’ve left them to me. I don’t want them, anyway. The past isn’t something I care to revisit at this stage of my life.”
“I guess I understand. I believe I’m beginning to understand a lot more about you, and Connie.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Oh, just that I realize she wasn’t the perfect mom. I mean, no one can be, really. But it seems to me she loved Beau too much, and he loved her with equal passion, so maybe there wasn’t much room left for you.”
“Why are you dredging all this up now?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s being in this house again. And looking at the photos, and seeing how truly unhappy you were. And, too, this divorce has me analyzing my own life, and how I came to be the person I was with Richard.”
“I always said he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere if you had given him what he needed.”
“I tried. But I guess it wasn’t in the stars for me to have a baby.”
“You could have hired a surrogate. He was all for that.”
“Well, I wasn’t. I had to draw the line somewhere, Mom.”
“If you want a man’s love, you can’t be drawing lines. It’s all, or nothing.”
“Like you and Dad? It’s all for him, and nothing for you. Don’t you realize that yet?”
“I didn’t call to be insulted, Fawn. I’m hanging up.”
“No, wait, Mom. I’m sorry. I do wish you’d see the way things are, though. It isn’t too late to get out from under his tyranny and enjoy the rest of your life.”
“I see no reason to leave your father. My marriage is solid.”
“Well, if you believe that then I guess there is no hope. I am sorry I upset you. Maybe I’m thinking too much.”
“You always do. And you can’t possibly understand my life or your father’s love. You had it all with Richard, and you let him slip away. Don’t start trying to unravel my life to justify ruining your own. Goodbye.”
She hung up. Fawn bit her lip, trying to stop the flow of tears but she failed. A knock set her shaking. She peered round the kitchen doorway; saw a tall shadow at the French doors on the patio.
She dried her tears quickly, tossed the yogurt cup into a recycling bin under the sink and strained to see what she looked like in a beaded glass cabinet door. The sun streaming through the windows was not kind, revealing the dark circles she’d developed after a rough night. Sleep had eluded her until nearly dawn, and even then it had been troubled, laced with anxiety and fear.
“If only I had some make-up,” she pouted, remembering that she hadn’t bought any in at least two years. A trip to the drugstore in the shopping mall across the highway was definitely on her to do list.
The knocking came again, a shade louder. She reluctantly went to the French doors, realized it was Taury Trahern standing there.
“Oh my God!” she thought as she saw him in full daylight, dressed only in faded jeans and a pair of tennis shoes. He smiled at her and waved his hand. Her breath caught for a second; she patted her chest, thinking to restore it. Then she swallowed hard, and opened the doors.
“Hi, I hope it isn’t too early. I was worried about your ankle; seemed to me like you twisted it last night.”
“Hello. Yeah, I did, a little, but it’s fine this morning.”
“That’s great.”
There was a moment of awkward silence. He glanced around at the house.
“Well, as long as I’m here, maybe you could show me your cottage? I’ve been wondering what it looked like on the inside.”
“Connie never asked you up here?”
“She did, but my mom was one of those mothers who thought her kids were a nuisance to everybody but her. She never let me accept the invitation.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. But I do have a lot of plans today. Maybe some other time?”
“Sure. I’ll make you a deal though, you show me your house, and I’ll show you mine. Okay?”
She smiled at him. “Okay!”
He nodded then took off down the pathway, his blond hair bouncing in the breeze. She stared after him until he made the beach and disappeared into his house.
FOUR
Fawn began her chores, but her mind wasn’t on them. It kept racing back to Taury Trahern. He was so friendly; it made her feel like he was really interested in her as a woman. But she knew what she looked like. And how beautiful he was. He was probably one of those guys who felt they needed to be sweet to every female, out of some sense of duty. Yeah, that was it, and nothing more. It wasn’t his fault that she broke out in a fevered sweat at the mere sight of him – that was her love-starved body overreacting. She didn’t want to seem stuck up or mean, but for her own sanity she felt she had to avoid him.
Days passed fairly quickly. She cleaned up the bungalow, finished designing all the custom jewelry that was pre-ordered, and painted a few pieces of dark furniture white to brighten them up.
Every so often she’d glance down at the beach house; sometimes she would see Taury performing Tai Chi or swimming in his pool. Other times he’d be carrying dry wall panels or paint cans into the house. She wondered if he was doing the renovating all on his own.
One afternoon she fell asleep on the porch daybed, woke up abruptly from a seriously stimulating wet dream – about Taury, of course - only to realize he was knocking on her French doors. She could hear him calling, and cowardly stayed where she was, hoping he’d go away. But her car was there, and he could see it so he didn’t stop. He came around the side of the bungalow, found her on the porch.
“There you are. I was getting worried. I’m sorry
if I woke you.”
His eyes rested on her tan legs, stretched out across the daybed. She sat up, brushed her wild hair off of her face.
“I was just napping. What did you want?”
He stood silent for a moment; his gaze kept caressing her legs. She felt goose-bumps creep up her arms and neck. If she wasn’t such a repressed idiot she would have taken advantage of that look in his eyes, but it honestly scared her to death.
“I just wondered if you knew anyone who might recycle the cabinets I’m ripping out of my kitchen?”
“Oh, no! I thought you were restoring the beach house?”
“I am.” He sat down on the edge of the porch, wiped a cascade of sweat from his golden brow. “But you see, my granddad went nuts in the late 70s, redid the whole kitchen, using those white cabinets with wood beveling. Really ugly stuff; I don’t understand how anybody ever thought those were attractive! Anyway, I’m tearing them out, and replacing them with some 1930s cabinets I found at a salvage yard. They didn’t want my cabinets, said there wasn’t any market for them. So, I thought I’d see if you knew anyone who might take them. I hate to throw things in the landfill if they can be used.”
Fawn stood up, glanced at the guest cottage.
“Well, I was thinking of turning my little guest house into a studio, for my jewelry crafting. I will need lots of storage. I suppose I could take the cabinets. If I paint them they’ll look okay.”
He jumped up beside her, causing her heart to freeze.
“That’s great! I’ll haul them up here in my truck this afternoon if that’s all right?”
“Sure. I’ll be here.”
“You know, this side yard would make a perfect spot for sunbathing. Nobody could see you from the highway, or the beach.”
Fawn felt her cheeks burn red. Did he know she’d been sunbathing, in the nude, just the day before? Had he seen her? It was the first time she had ever tried it in her whole life. But she wanted to have an all-over tan for once, and tanning booths seemed a bit too public. She had really enjoyed the experience, and was ripe to do it again; the warmth of the gentle sun on her bare skin was intoxicating.
Losing Control Page 2