by T L Swan
He smiles and licks his bottom lip, and then leans in to kiss me. The kiss is slow and tender. He does it again and again, and soon he’s out of the shower holding me close against his wet body. “I need more of you,” he breathes.
The sexual chemistry between us is ridiculous. “I’ll wait outside for you.”
I walk out into the bathroom and keep my head down as I make my way up the corridor. My behind is smarting, and my legs feel like jelly from the super strength orgasm I just had. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and my stomach drops.
My hair is in a loose bun on top of my head and I have a rosy glow to my face.
The just fucked look.
I drag my hand down my face and close my eyes, letting a little bit of shame creep in. I can still feel the tingles in my body from where he’s been. Still feel his stubble on my face, his tongue in my mouth…
He casually strides out of the bathroom, and my eyes rise to meet his. He smiles sexily and winks.
I smile gratefully, he makes this seem natural. It probably is for him.
God.
“Have you eaten, Tull?” he asks as he approaches me.
“Erm.” I hesitate because my mind is literally jumbled. Have I eaten? “I’m not hungry.”
“Okay, your place or mine?”
I frown. “I’m moving tomorrow. My place is filled with boxes.”
“Oh, where are you moving to?” He gestures to the front doors and we walk out into the parking lot.
“Just a few blocks away. My apartment was sold.”
“Do you need help moving?” he asks. “Is this you?” He points to my car. It’s a white hatchback.
“Yeah.” I open the door to my car and stand in between the car and the door.
“No, my stepbrother and friends have got it.” I peer up at him. “Thanks, anyway.”
He smiles and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. “My place, then?”
I know I should go home, but I’m not quite ready to let him go yet, so I nod. “Okay.” I glance over at the fancy black Range Rover in the parking lot. “Is that your car?”
He smiles down at me, nods, and then leans in to kiss me softly.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” he whispers.
I smile against his lips and put my arms around his neck.
“Hang on a second, my phone is ringing.” He shuffles around in his pocket and digs out his phone. It must have been on silent. He narrows his eyes. “Jesten.”
“Jesten?” I frown.
“He works for me.” He answers the phone. “Someone had better be dying, Miller,” he snaps.
I watch him.
He frowns as he listens, closing his eyes, as if annoyed. “Seriously?”
He listens again.
“Fuck’s sake, fine. I’ll be there in half an hour.” He listens again. “No, I’m in the middle of something here. I’ll be half an hour.” He hangs up and his eyes come back to me.
I force a smile. “Everything okay?”
“The alarm at my office has been tripped and the security company won’t shut it off until I get down there.” He leans down and kisses me softly. I wrap my arms around his neck once more.
“You have an office?” I ask.
“I own a security company.” His hand roam down to my behind and he squeezes.
I giggle. “And your alarm is going off.”
He smiles as he tucks the hair behind my ears again. “Ironic, huh? We’re not security as such. Private investigators.”
“We?”
“I employ ex special forces soldiers. Ten men work for me.”
I frown. “Are you….?”
“Navy Seal.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “You’re a Navy Seal?”
“Ex.” He smiles. “I’ll take you back to my house, then I’ll quickly dart out and sort it. I won’t be long.”
I cringe as I imagine waiting at his house alone for him to come back. “Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just see you later.”
His face falls. “No, I want you there when I get home.” He kisses me again.
“Honestly, I’ve got to move tomorrow, anyway. I have to be up at the crack of dawn.”
“Fucking alarm,” he mutters under his breath. “Give me your phone.”
I dig around in my bag and fish it out. He takes it from my hand and dials his number, the two of us watching as his phone vibrates. “Got it,” he says. He licks his lips as he stares down at me. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet.”
I smile up at him and I feel my heart flutter.
“Why don’t you come to my office with me now and we can leave your car here?”
“No. Call me tomorrow.” I frown. “Actually, with the move tomorrow, perhaps you could call me Sunday instead.”
He kisses me slowly and I smile against his lips. “I’ll see you Sunday, my little Tully Pocket.”
I laugh. “Can you think of a better nickname for me than Tully Pocket? I sound like a toy.”
He smiles cheekily. “You can be my toy.”
I roll my eyes and get into my car. He closes the door for me. I wind down the window to see him better, and he leans down to kiss me through it. “You drive carefully,” he says.
“Yes, Dad.”
He taps on the roof of the car, and I drive out of the parking lot, giving him a shy wave as I go.
My eyes rise to watch him in the rearview mirror as he climbs into his expensive car, and the farther away I drive from him, the more I feel the disgust in myself begin to rise.
I wake to the sound of my alarm blaring. I wince and quickly slap my hands over my face. I can’t handle today. I’ve cried all night. I’ve never been so disgusted in myself in my entire life. I let a guy who I didn’t even know, fuck me up the ass in a public bathroom. I’m a low life—a lower than low whore bag. My eyes fill with tears as I think of Simon. My beautiful, gentle Simon. The man who would never take me anally. The man who only ever made me feel good about myself.
What have I done?
I’ve forced him into the arms of another woman, that’s what.
God, what would he think of me if he ever knew what I did. I drag myself into the bathroom and stare at my reflection in the mirror.
An ugly version of myself stares back at me. A dirty version.
My apartment is quiet and sombre. So lonely.
I get into the shower and pour the soap onto my hands. I begin to wash myself as more tears form. I scrub my skin until it is red raw.
How do I get this feeling of disgust off me?
Make it stop. I slide down the tiles until I’m sitting on the floor, crying the shame away.
Chapter 5
“That’s the last one.” Peter smiles as he puts the heavy box down on the floor.
“Thank you so much, Pete.” I sigh as I reach up and give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Anything for my sister.” His eyes hold mine and he keeps me in his arms. Feeling uncomfortable, I pull from his grip.
Peter is my stepbrother. He‘s also a detective downstairs. Along with the boys from work, he’s spent all day moving me in. The others finished about half an hour ago. It’s just turned 7:00 p.m.
Peter produces a bottle of champagne from a box, and I smile. “I thought we should celebrate,” he says as he pops the cork. I rustle around in a box and find two coffee cups for us to use. He fills our cups slowly.
I take a sip and my eyes hold his.
Here’s the thing, and I’ve never told a soul this, but Peter is attracted to me. I know he is. When I was twelve and he was fourteen and our parents had just met, he expressed his undying love for me. I told him then and there it was never going to happen, but over the years I’ve felt his eyes on me when he thinks I’m not looking.
I always thought I’d imagined it, but lately, and especially since his wife left him, and I broke up with Simon, he’s been lingering around after our conversations, as if he wants to say something else.
> I don’t like him that way. I see him as a brother, and to be honest, I’m kind of beginning to feel uncomfortable being alone with him. And I hate that because we do get along really well. I just wish I didn’t have this feeling lurking over me; like he is going to put it on me at any moment, every time we speak.
“You might be scared tonight,” he says.
I smile and begin to unpack a box of cups into the kitchen cupboard as a distraction.
“I might stay the night,” he says casually.
I look up from my unpacking duties.
“No, it’s fine. You don’t have anywhere to sleep.”
“I could sleep with you.” His eyes hold mine. “We could spoon like old times.”
I press my lips together. Do I address this now? Honestly, I’m just too fucking tired and emotionally worn out from Brock to even think about this shit today.
“Callie will be here soon. She’s sleeping with me in my bed tonight.” I fake a smile.
“Cancel on her.”
“No, I would never do that. Thanks, anyway. You should get going, I don’t want to hold you up any longer,” I say, knowing I need to get rid of him.
His eyes hold mine and I know that he wants me to ask him to stay.
He’s my stepbrother. Yuck.
“You going to be okay?” he asks.
“Yes.” I smile as I look around my new apartment. “Perfect. I’ll just potter around now and get the boring things done.”
He looks around at the piles of boxes everywhere. “Damn, moving is a bitch, huh?”
“Don’t I know it.” I sigh. I’m going straight to bed after he leaves, but I’m not telling him that. I’ll at least pretend that I’m motivated and going to put shit away with Callie. After my escapades at the gym last night I hardly slept a wink, I’m absolutely exhausted.
Callie had a wedding on tonight, and Rourke got called into work, so it’s just me here in my new apartment. Something Peter doesn’t need to know.
I walk to the door to give him the hint. “See you later.” I smile as I open it.
“Bye.” He sighs.
“Thanks so much.” I kiss him quickly, nearly pushing him out the door before I close it behind him and sigh in relief.
I look around my new apartment and smile. It has a really good, homey feel about it. It’s a little old, but it has polished timber floors, big windows, and lots of natural light. There are two bedrooms, a big kitchen, and a brand new bathroom for me to swoon over.
I love it. It really feels like a new beginning for me.
My phone rings. I glance over, see the name, and I scramble to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Tull,” Simon says, sounding happy. I close my eyes at the sound of his voice. “How are you?” he asks.
“Good,” I reply in a clipped tone. “I called you the other night.”
“Yeah, sorry. I was at work and missed your call.”
I narrow my eyes. “When did we start lying to each other?” I reply flatly.
He stays silent.
“I saw you, Simon.” I pause for a moment, wondering if it is a good idea to talk about this over the phone. “Who is she?”
Silence….
I close my eyes, the hurt rising in my chest.
“She’s nobody, Tull.”
I look up at the ceiling. “She sure looked like a somebody.”
“You wanted this break.”
“To travel,” I hit back. God, if only he knew what I’d been doing. Oh, that’s right, I don’t want to fucking know it myself.
“So, I’m supposed to just sit here and wait for you to decide if you’re coming back,” he asks, annoyed.
“I am coming back.” I pause. “Was coming back,” I add.
“You are fucking coming back, Tully. Don’t give me your shit and say you were coming back now.”
I stay silent.
“Tull.” Simon pauses on the phone. “I love you. Being with other people just makes me appreciate what we have so much more.”
I feel the lump rise in my throat again. Other people? How many have there been?
“Do you know how much it hurt last night when I saw you look at your phone and put it back in your pocket, and then put your arm around her?” I whisper, holding back my tears.
“Tully,” he whispers. “Baby, don’t.”
“Don’t what, Simon? Don’t be upset that you’re fucking other women.”
I screw my face shut as pain lances through my heart. He’s slept with someone else. I’ve turned into a dirty whore. What have we become?
The innocence between us will never be the same again.
This is my worst fucking nightmare.
“You wanted a break.” He hesitates for a moment. “I hope you’re experiencing new things, too. It was just one night. I’ll never see her again.”
“N-new things,” I stammer. “Having sex with other people is new things?”
“Stop it. Stop with the fucking mind games, Tully. You wanted a break. You got it. In four months, you come back to me with this fucking shit out of your system, okay?”
I stay silent.
“Because I love you and I still want to marry you.”
I listen, waiting, unable to speak.
“Okay?” he whispers.
I feel a little mollified, but I can’t help myself. I have to ask. “Do you care about her?”
“No. Not like that, anyway.”
“Are you sure?” I whisper as I look around my apartment.
“You’re the girl I love. You’re the girl I’m going to marry, I already know that. There isn’t a doubt in my mind.”
I smile softly, my hope returning.
“Get it out of your system, Tull.” He sighs.
Trust me, it is well and truly out of my system. In fact, the system is completely fucked up. I frown. “Is that what you’re doing?” I ask.
“Yes.”
I listen, unsure if I want to hear this, but who am I to judge after what I’ve just done?
“So that when you come back to me, I can be the best damn husband you ever dreamt of.”
My eyes cloud over and relief fills me. I really needed to hear that. “I miss you,” I whisper.
“I miss you, too. Do you love me?” he asks.
I nod and wipe a stray tear away. “Yes, I love you. Don’t ignore my fucking calls again or I’ll lose my shit.”
He chuckles. “I promise, I won’t, but I mean it, Tull. My time in Melbourne finishes in three months and then I’ll be back. Don’t make this break we’ve had be in vain.”
Fear fills me. “What if we don’t find our way back to each other, Simon?”
“We will.” He pauses for a moment. “I promise, we will. A love like ours will never die and you know that.”
“Why do you have to be so reasonable all the damn time?” I sigh.
“I don’t know.” He pauses, and I can tell he’s smiling. “This wise woman I’m in love with gave me this pep talk eight months ago. I think she may have been onto something.”
“That woman was an idiot to ever let you go.” I smile softly.
“She didn’t let me go. She still has me.”
My eyes fill with even more tears. “Let’s just get back together now, Si.”
“No. We have to do what we said we would. I’m going now,” he says.
“Why?” Should I tell him what I’ve done? No, I can’t. I can’t ever tell him about Brock.
“Because, Tully. You wanted this break and I’m giving it to you.”
“D-don’t go,” I stammer, suddenly panicked. I want to hold onto him for a bit longer.
“Tully.” He sighs. “Go and have fun.”
I frown. “Do you ever think about me?” I ask hopefully.
“All the fucking time.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. Goodbye.” The phone clicks and he’s gone.
It’s 9:00 p.m. and I’m lying in my bed in my new bedroom.
I can’t find my sheets but I don’t give a fuck. I’m too tired for this shit. I’m in my sleeping bag.
My mind keeps going over and over my conversation with Simon, as well as the woman he was with.
He said he doesn’t have feelings for her and I can honestly say that I can relate to that detachment.
I get a vision of Brock. I hate that he affects me so much. Every time I think of him— which was every time I moved today and felt where he had been—I feel sad.
Sad that we met the way we did. Sad that he’s wired the way he is.
And really sad that I had so little respect for myself that I just handed myself over to him.
I never thought a man who I didn’t know and who didn’t care about me could talk me into something so easily.
I’m weak.
Forever tainted.
My phone beeps with a text and I frown when I see the number come up. Who’s that?
Hope the move went well.
See you tomorrow.
xoxo
My eyes widen. Oh my God.
Brock! What does he want?
I throw my phone onto the floor as if it’s a bomb, and angry tears burn my eyes.
“Leave me alone,” I cry. “Don’t call me again. I hate you for making me feel like this.”
I cacoon myself in my sleeping bag and roll into a ball. My misery takes over and I cry tears of shame.
Brock
I dial the phone number and stare out the window, looking over at the horizon as I wait for the call to go through.
It’s dusk, and the lights from the city are twinkling down below.
I’ve been counting the hours until I could call Tully. Weirdly, I’ve never been so keen to meet up with a chick in my life.
“I’ll take her for dinner, and then for drinks. After that…” I stop and listen as it starts to ring.
It rings and rings until it rings out. I hang up before leaving a message.
I frown. Hmm, maybe she’s in the shower.
Annoyed, I open a beer. Patience isn’t my strong point.
I pick up the remote for the television and flick through the channels, waiting an hour for her to call back. It’s 7:00 p.m. now and I’m getting antsy.