by T L Swan
“You know, Tully, as I see it, you have two choices. You can be with a man because you feel like it’s expected of you, or you can be with another man because you want to actually be with him.”
I stare at her flatly as her words roll around in my head.
“I know you always thought you were going to end up with Simon, Tully. Everybody did.”
My eyes tear up. “Simon is perfect,” I whisper.
“I know, but you need to listen to your gut when it comes to love. Everything is not black and white. Simon is perfect on paper but is he perfect for you?”
I drop my head. “I just don’t know anymore.”
Callie throws the first of her greasy chips in her mouth. “Well, you better work it out quick or you’re going to fuck up any chance you ever had with Brock… or Simon, for that matter.”
I shrug and look over to Rourke who has choosen to stay silent. Wise man.
Callie continues on her rant. “How do we even know that Simon is going to come back the same Simon? He’s sleeping with other people, too. He’s going to be different, Tully.”
I stare at her. I hadn’t even thought of that.
“You’re different now, and whether you choose to believe it or not, sleeping with Brock has changed you. Simon might not like the new you, either.”
God, this really is a mess.
“You and Simon together just has too many ‘what ifs’, if you ask me.” She shrugs casually and pops another fry in her mouth.
I exhale heavily and pick up my knife and fork. “This lunch date is depressing.” I sigh.
“I second that notion,” Rourke mutters as he chews his food. “It’s given me fucking PMT, too.”
BROCK
“Got a minute?” Ben asks with a knock on the door.
I look up from what I’m doing. “What’s up?”
“We’ve done a complete search of all bank accounts of Chancellor.”
“What did you find?”
“There is a lot more money missing than we first thought.”
“How much?”
“Three million over the last eight months seems to have mysteriously gone walkabout.”
“What do you mean? How does that much money go missing and nobody has picked it up before?” I scowl. That doesn’t seem right.
“He’s been selling stocks and shares that were in his company’s name, and then he withdrew the funds but never deposited them anywhere.”
I swing on my chair, my eyes hold Ben’s. “The plot thickens.”
“I know.”
“Let’s see what Jes comes up with today.” I turn back to my computer. Ben remains in the chair, forcing me to glance up. “What?”
“Nothing.”
I turn back to my computer and get to work, but I can feel him watching me still, so I lift my eyes to him again. “What?”
He shrugs.
My phone begins to dance across my desk, the name Tully Pocket lighting up the screen. I push reject and push the phone back across the desk.
“You’re not taking her calls?” He frowns.
I keep my eyes on my monitor and type. “Yeah, that’s done with.”
“Why?”
“She’s got a boyfriend.”
Ben stares at me. I glance back up.
“So, she was fucking you behind her boyfriend’s back?” he asks.
“No. She has an ex who she’s already told me she is is going back to,” I tell him, sounding bored as I keep typing.
“And you’re going to just let her go?” He frowns.
“Yeah, I am actually.”
Ben raises his eyebrows.
“What?” I snap.
“You like this girl, Brock. Why don’t you fight for her? You fight for fucking everything else. I’ve seen you want blood over a fucking parking space.”
“Because I don’t want to promise her something I can’t deliver.” I exhale heavily as I swivel on my chair. “I’m letting her go because I do like her.”
“Why do you think you can’t have a girlfriend?”
“I don’t think I’m wired to be with just one person.”
“I never used to, either. Not until I met Bridget, and then…” His voice trails off.
“Then what?”
“Sex wasn’t the same for me anymore.”
I clench my jaw as I watch him, the story sounding strangely familiar. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I would have sex with random women and just feel off.” He shrugs again. “I can’t explain it, but I didn’t get the same buzz out of casual sex that I always had done before. It’s like it just wasn’t enough for me after Bridget. Unless it was with her, I just didn’t want it.”
I smirk. “Well, that’s because you’re a big sooky prick with a soft cock.”
“Maybe.” He chuckles and stands, making to leave before he turns back at me. “All I’m saying is that some things are worth fighting for.”
My eyes hold his.
“Even if the person you are fighting with is yourself.” Ben walks out, and I exhale heavily and run my hands through my hair.
I stare at the wall in front of me.
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. All fucking week, I’ve been thinking about her and trying to work out why I don’t want to see anyone else.
What is it about this one particular girl that is so different from the rest of them?
If I were wired to be the boyfriend type of guy, I would know that already and I would fight for her.
I stand and stare out the window, looking down at the parking lot below.
Could I do it? Could I be a boyfriend kind of man?
A deep sense of dread fills me at the thought of letting her down. I remember the way I felt for those six weeks we were apart after the first time we met, and I can’t stand the thought of ever feeling like that again. Most, if not all people are wired to be with one person, but maybe I’m just not.
It’s best for everyone concerned if I let her go.
Tully
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I don’t even recognise the person staring back at me now. The girl I used to be was structured and focused on pleasing everyone else but herself—to sticking to a game plan. The girl I see now wants to follow her heart, and if her heart wants to drag her to Hell with a man named Brock Marx, then so be it.
I’ve been soul searching all week, imagining a future with a man I don’t know versus a future with a man I know so well.
There’s no comparison between the two. One life is the one I choose, while the other is the one I feel obligated to live.
I just can’t live the lie anymore… and it hurts like hell to admit it even to myself.
I have to tell Brock. It’s like a poison that is festering inside me now and I won’t be able to relax until it’s off my chest. I have no idea how he will react, but I do know that I will feel better once he knows everything I’m feeling.
Then it’s up to him what happens with us, but I at least have to try.
I text Brock one last time, and I swear to God, my stalking is at an all-time high. This is my tenth call this week. I make him look sane.
TULLY: Please come over.
I’m going out of my mind not seeing you.
I pace back and forth, this sick feeling invading my stomach.
I know what man I want, there isn’t a doubt in my mind, and it isn’t Simon.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. How can you, in all sensibility, throw away nearly ten years with someone after spending just two nights with another man?
Seventy-two hours.
Brock and I may not even be suited. He may not even want me?
I’ve hardly slept all week. I’ve called Simon twice hoping to feel that spark, praying that the stars will align and I will have this lightning bolt of electricity and clarity that will tell me exactly what to do.
But it’s just not there, and I hate to say it but I feel like I’m speaking to my big
brother. I just want to tell him about this amazing guy I met in the gym.
I keep walking back and forth for over an hour, and at 9:30 p.m. I decide do what any self-respecting woman should do in this situation.
I’m going to drive past Brock’s house to see if he’s home, and I swear to God, if he’s on a fucking date, I’m losing my shit.
I drive past the gym and scope out the parking lot. No car. I continue driving until I get to his house where I see his car in the driveway.
He’s home.
What do I do now? I park across the road and turn off the car, sitting in the darkness, biting my thumbnail as I peer through the windshield.
I don’t smoke but if I ever were to start, I think this stakeout would be the cause of it. I feel like I need something to do with my hands or some shit.
What the fuck do I do?
Do I march in there?
I drop my hands to my face and rest my elbows on the steering wheel. For half an hour, I sit in the car and go through my options.
I can either get over this craziness, go back to Simon and forever dream of Brock, or I can march in there and demand a second chance.
Out of all the options, the last one seems like the right thing to do.
My phone beeps with a text.
BROCK: What are you doing?
I screw up face, is he going to come over to my house? I text back straight away.
TULLY: I’m waiting for you to come over.
Another text bounces back.
BROCK: I mean, what are you doing sitting outside my house?
I can see you.
I wince and cringe. Damn it, I’m the worst spy in history. I text back.
TULLY: I’m stalking you
What does it look like?
A reply bounces back.
BROCK: Why?
I stare at my phone in my hands. Why am I here?
TULLY: Because I need to see you.
I wait for his reply, but it doesn’t come. For ten minutes, I wait. Damn it, Brock.
Why does he have to be so fucking difficult all the time? My life was so damn simple before I met him.
Damn gym junkie and his magic dick.
Screw it, I’m just going to go in. I get out of my car, cross the street, and knock on the big timber door. My heart is hammering in my chest. I have no idea how he is going to react to what I have to say.
He opens the door in a rush and looks at me flatly. “Yes.”
I smile softly. “You’re not on a date?”
He rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not on a fucking date.”
I twist my fingers in front of me nervously, my eyes searching his. “Can I come in?”
He looks at me blankly. “Tully, I told you to go back to your boyfriend. We have nothing to say to each other.”
My face falls. “Don’t call me, Tully.”
He glares at me.
“You call me Pocket, remember?”
“What are you doing here? If you’re here to fuck with my head, don’t bother.”
I grab his hand. “I’m fucking with my own head, Brock. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore,” I whisper.
His jaw clenches as he watches me.
“I only know that I feel sick knowing that you don’t want to see me.”
His eyes drop to the floor. “Fuck’s sake,” he whispers, shaking his head. “You’re turning into the crazy person now. I thought that was my position in the company.”
I smile at his little joke. “We can take turns being the crazy person.”
He scratches the back of his head. “I’m not your back up plan, Tully.”
I nod. “I know.”
“And I don’t want to see you if you are going to go back to him.”
“Okay, Brock.” I pause as I try to get this right. “I’ve been thinking long and hard about this all week, you know?”
He crosses his arms and raises his brows.
“Don’t give me that look,” I plead. “Listen to what I’m saying, will you?”
He exhales heavily. “What are you saying, Tully? Do you even know?”
“I’m saying I want to see if we can be together.”
He clenches his jaw as he stares at me, his internal struggle clear to see in his eyes.
“Well?” I ask.
Still, he doesn’t answer me.
“What do you say, Brock? Can we try?”
“I don’t want you seeing him again,” he tells me coolly.
“Okay.” I smile softly. “I won’t see him again.”
He presses his lips together, still looking down on me.
“You said you don’t do relationships,” I whisper.
He doesn’t say anything.
I take his hand and press it to my cheek. “I’ve been frantic all week thinking you were going out with someone else.”
“Is that why you’re here? To see if I’m alone?” He sighs, annoyed.
I shake my head. “No.” I pause as I brace myself to say the next sentence. “I’m here because I think I have real feelings for you.”
He watches me.
I shrug. “And not the kind of feelings that you like receiving.”
His eyes search mine, and suddenly, as if he feels what’s between us too, he dusts his thumb over my bottom lip.
“Brock, I know you don’t do relationships.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because you told me yourself.”
He tilts his chin to the sky but lifts his other hand to my face. “What do you want, Tully?” he asks.
I frown because I can’t even believe I’m saying it. “Maybe we could see how we go together… without any kind of end date in mind. Just the two of us in, like, a real relationship.”
He stares at me for a moment.
“You’ll never know if you can have a girlfriend if you don’t try it one time?” I smile hopefully.
“I’m not having him waiting in the wings for me to fuck up.”
“What do you mean?” I frown.
“Just what I said. If you end it with him, we can see how it goes. If you are keeping him on ice then forget it.”
“I know.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m going to end it with him regardless of what happens here with you and me. I know if I have these feelings about you, it’s not right to stay with him.”
He raises his eyebrow and I know his interest has piqued.
“You scare me?” I whisper.
Tenderness crosses his face. “Why?”
“I’m just one girl. You’ll probably be bored with me in a week.”
He shakes his head as he wraps his arms around me, and in that moment, I know it’s going to be all right. “You’re an idiot.” He bends and gently kisses my lips. “I’ll probably be bored of you in two days.”
I giggle. “Please work on some new romantic material,” I mutter dryly.
He kisses me. “This is how I am.”
“I like you how you are.” I squeeze him in my arms. “But as the boss of us, I would like you to research the romantic material manual, please.”
He chuckles. “I’ll look into that.”
“I’ve had the worst week, and I’m terrified this is going to fall apart and you’re going to hurt me?” I whisper.
He brushes the hair back from my forehead and studies my face. “Maybe.” He shrugs. “I don’t know, Tully, I’ve never done this before.” Our lips meet again.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” I whisper up at him.
He smiles against my lips. “What?”
“You teach me the physical things that you need me to know, and I’ll teach you the emotional stuff that I need you to know.”
His eyes search mine. “I don’t know how good of student I’ll be.”
I reach up and brush his hair back from his forehead. “I’m just asking you to try, Brock.”
He nods and wraps his arms around me. “Okay.” He kisses me softly. “We can try.”
I smile into the darkness, my heart racing wildly in my chest. His body is still inside mine as he lies behind me.
I’m back in his arms and all is right in the world. He tenderly kisses the side of my face and I smile against him as he holds me close. He feels it, too, I know he does.
We just made love, and unlike all the other times, he was gentle and loving and everything feels so right. He slowly slides out of me and kisses my lips as he holds my jaw in his strong hands. “You want a glass of water?” he asks.
“Please.” I doze back off in the darkness.
“Here you go.” I open my eyes to see Brock in front of me holding my phone out.
I lean up onto my elbow. “Huh?”
“Call him.”
“What?”
“Call him and tell him you’re with me. You’re not to speak to him again unless I’m in the room.”
Chapter 13
I frown as I look up at him. “What?”
“You heard me.” He sips the water from his glass casually. “Dial the number. Now.”
“I’m not calling him with you listening.”
He stands at the side of the bed completely naked. “Oh, yes, you are.” He rearranges his dick with his hand. “You want to do this thing between us.” He raises his chin defiantly. “Let’s go.”
“Let’s go? What the fuck does let’s go mean?”
“It means I don’t do things by halves, and if you belong to me then I won’t have you speaking to him when I’m not here.”
“We’re friends, Brock.” What the hell?
“No. Your friends are Callie and that weird girl. This other guy is your ex and I don’t do exes.” He clenches his jaw and I can see his agitation building. “If you’re with me, you don’t fucking talk to him.”
“Brock, this is going to be a drawn-out, painful conversation. It may take hours.”