by J. Naomi Ay
"Maybe." Ensign Golden flashed her deep blue eyes at me. "I intend to command my own ship too. Is your father here? I'd love to meet him. I've heard a lot about him. I was once at a presentation he made to the Academy about the next generation weapon systems. I was able to ask him a question, although I'm sure he wouldn't remember me, as there were about a thousand other cadets in the audience."
"Sorry, it's just me today. Dad's somewhere near Alpha Centauri right now, although he's supposed to be home in a few weeks. If you're still hanging around here then, I can give you a call. We can have coffee."
She shook her head and even in the dull fluorescent light of this mall, slivers of gold shone in her hair.
"I'll be back on the Discovery by the end of next week. Thanks for the offer." She glanced down at her watch, a dual display Spaceforce chronograph. Both Larry and I had the same watch, high school graduation gifts from our dad. Neither of us ever wore them. "Cindy," Ensign Golden called. "Come on, Sweetie. We need to go meet your daddy."
"Aw!" Cindy moaned and frowned. She and Jimmy had come to an arrangement of sorts. Each would take turns knocking intruders from the pilot house while the other drove. "I don't want to, Auntie Katie. I'm very busy."
"Sorry, Pumpkin. Daddy's waiting. Turn the ship around and head back to the dock. I'll catch you as you jump off."
"Okay!" Cindy abandoned ship leaving Jimmy in sole command, and both she and the Ensign waved to us as they walked away.
I took the opportunity to appreciate the view. The Ensign had a pair of well-toned gams fully visible from beneath her short shorts. Further north, her backside swayed just enough to make me—
"Thad?" Leslie poked my shoulder. "What are you looking at? Were you flirting with that girl?"
"What girl?" I bolted upright. "Jimmy, time to go."
"No, it's not." Leslie waved at Jimmy to keep playing. "I'm just going down the mall to check out the half-yearly sale. You guys stay here. Just don't make a fool of yourself, Thad. Like you usually do," she added.
"I wasn't doing anything."
"You were admiring her butt," Leslie called. "I saw your face."
"I wasn't," I tried to insist, but somehow the more forcefully I objected, the lamer it sounded. "She's in Spaceforce. We had an intelligent conversation about Dad. The only thing I was only admiring was her brain.”
"Brain? More likely, her nice tight brain?”
"Actually, no."
"Sure," Leslie scoffed and trounced away.
I watched her butt disappear into the crowd considering how it had expanded three sizes since we got married almost four years ago. Granted she had delivered my little man, Jimmy and I'd also give her credit for being four months pregnant now, but still, she was never going to fit into her cheerleader uniform again in this lifetime.
I leaned back on the bench and pulled out my Blackberry to check emails even though it was Saturday. We were coming up on the end of the quarter and fiscal year. If I had a few more orders come in, not only would I clinch the quarterly bonus, I might even surpass last year.
The pharmaceutical business was good. People were living longer and needed more medications to keep them that way. It was an endless growth industry, and my name was synonymous with good pills.
I was about to respond to an email from one of my biggest customers, a drug store chain that had locations not only across the planet but the moon, Mars and all spacebases in this sector when Jimmy's high pitched shrieking interrupted me.
"What is it, dude?" I called glancing up from my mini-keyboard, thumbs poised to sign off and hit send.
"Daddy!" Jimmy dove head first off the boat, abandoning ship, as a ferocious looking creature took over command of the wheelhouse.
I jumped to my feet, plucked my terrified son from the synthetic water and backed away as the other children and parents bolted for cover.
"What is it?" A woman gasped from behind the garbage can. She clutched both of her children, who were shrieking hysterically, enormous tears pummeling down their cheeks.
Up until this point, Jimmy had been frightened but not tearful. As his former naval comrades melted down behind the trash barrel, he must have figured it was a good idea to let loose some hysterics of his own.
While I bounced him on my hip and tried to get him to shut up, I tried to remember the various alien creatures I had studied during my brief tenure in Space School. This guy had long skinny legs and even longer, skinnier arms with a large bulbous head that seemed to glow. His eyes took up nearly half of his face while his nose and mouth were tiny circles. His entire body was covered in blonde wispy hair, and he was naked except for a diaper.
"I think it's a Big Head," I replied and when he opened his mouth to laugh at the sheer joy of commanding the vinyl boat, I noticed double rows of tiny needle like teeth. "Yep. He's a Rogarian."
"Is he dangerous?" the crouching woman asked fearfully.
"Probably not." I didn't really know. In fact, I couldn’t remember very much at all about the Rogarians. I pulled out the Blackberry again and considered sending a request to Cha Cha. 'Are Rogarians dangerous' I began to dictate when abruptly I put my cell away. I was never the hero type. I really didn't want to be involved. "Come on, Jimmy," I said instead. "Let's leave."
"Oh look, mall security," the woman said, pointing at two fat guys in tight uniforms as they waddled up from the food court. They had lasers drawn, and one of them was yelling at the Rogarian to get off the boat.
"Mine!" the Rogarian squealed and steered wildly just as Jimmy had done only moments earlier.
The mall cops yelled again and one even fired above the Rogarian's big head, blasting the Pretzel shop's sign instead. The sign crackled and burned shooting up flames as high as the second tier's walkway, which caused even more screaming before the mall sprinklers automatically turned on.
"Daddy, I'm getting wet," Jimmy said as we quickly became doused. "It's raining inside."
"Mhm," I agreed. "Only in Phoenix does it rain inside the mall instead of out."
The Rogarian dude didn't seem to mind the wet. He continued piloting the pretend boat through the pretend storm while the mall cops surrounded him and demanded he abandoned ship.
"Don't shoot him!" another voice shouted, and Jimmy, the woman, her kids and I, all turned our sprinkler soaked heads to the clacking sound of that Space-chick Katie Golden's heels as she ran up the mall. "Put down your weapons!"
"Sorry, Ma'am," one of the mall cops said swinging around to face Katie, inadvertently pointing his laser at her. "Back away before you get hurt."
"Don't be ridiculous," the Ensign snapped. "He's just a baby Big Head. He won't hurt anyone as long as you don't antagonize him."
"He's a dangerous alien creature and disturbing the peace," the other mall cop replied and shouted at the Rogarian again to get down. "Move it, Big Head or you're going to be fried!"
"You can't," Katie Golden ordered. "He's a protected species. It's against the law."
Reaching for the fat dude's arm, she tried to wrestle the laser away. The other cop turned to assist and between the shouting, the fire, the sprinklers raining down and Jimmy pulling on my ear and demanding to go potty, I couldn't tell exactly what was happening.
Somehow, Miss Golden ended up in cuffs on the floor, the Big Head still victoriously commanded the boat, and the two mall cops were congratulating themselves on collaring their non-criminal. They hauled Katie to her feet and were just about to drag her away when a roaring noise sounded from the upper tier.
"Daghtreet!" The mama Big Head shouted. "There you are."
"Dog treat?" Jimmy asked as the baby Rogarian began to squeal.
The mall cops dropped Katie and trained their lasers on the mama, blasting at her, which really made her mad. She roared and flashed multiple rows of nasty looking teeth before leaping over the balcony to pounce on the fat cops and knock Miss Golden down once again.
"How did she do that?" the woman next to me whispered.
"I
think they're related to squids and don't have any bones."
The Rogarian mama stepped over the fat cops, her long narrow feet making a sucking noise as she made her way to the faux boat, a Nordstrom's bag slung over her shoulder.
"Daghtreet." She snapped and pointed a slender finger. On the tip was a sharply manicured nail painted in Winter Frost Pink. "I can't leave you alone for a minute. Now get down here right now. It's time to go back to the hotel."
"No, Mama," Daghtreet whined. "I'm still having fun."
"I'm counting to quardrel," the mama warned and raised three more fingers. "Gruen, blowkred, treedel, quardrel!"
"No!"
Mama Big Head reached up and yanked Dahgtreet off the boat. She shoved him into her Nordstrom's bag and headed out in the direction of the parking garage.
"Daddy? I really need to go potty." Jimmy yanked on my hand.
"Hold on to it, Little Man," I insisted and pulled him over to where Ensign Golden lay sprawled on the floor.
"Undo these!" she shouted at the mall cops who were slowly picking themselves up.
"Well, we solved that problem," one told another. "Now we can get back to lunch."
"Hey," I interrupted. "Release the girl before you go. She didn't do anything wrong."
They looked at each other as if trying to remember why she was there.
"Wait. She assaulted us. She grabbed my laser."
"Seriously, dude?" I asked, eyeing him up and down. "You're what? Six feet, three hundred give or take forty pounds? What's the girl weigh? One twenty? She looks barely five feet."
"I'm five-two," Katie snapped, "and only a hundred fifteen, thank you very much."
"Do you really think any judge would believe she assaulted you dudes?"
"Well," one of them mumbled and then looked to the other for confirmation.
"You'll both need to lawyer up quick," I continued. "Seems to me she could charge you guys with assault, not to mention you were shooting at a protected species."
A moment later, the Ensign was rubbing her cuff-less wrists, her sprinkler sodden hair dripping down her back, her shirt glued to her front, although I wasn't looking.
Really, I wasn't. Like the gentleman I was, I knelt down and helped her to her feet.
"Thad?" Leslie demanded now standing behind me with her own Nordstrom's shopping bags. "What's going on here?"
"Uh…"
"Nice tight brain," she nodded. "Sure Thad. Nice tight wet t-shirt, too. Spacegirls are such sluts."
"Leslie!"
"Excuse me." Ensign Golden shoved her way past us.
I admired her departure one more time.
"Thad," Leslie growled.
"Oops," Jimmy squirmed, a yellow stain blossoming like a rose on the front of his shorts.
"Jimmy!"
"Daddy wouldn't take me to the potty. He told me to hold it."
"Thad!"
I figured that now would be a really good time to make an exit as Mall Disease, which had temporarily abated during the presence of Ensign Golden, was now back with a vengeance. My legs grew weak, my stomach churned, my head felt hot and achy.
"Time to go home." I whisked Jimmy away and marched out into the mid-afternoon desert sun, which, unfortunately, considering our soaking condition, barely topped sixty degrees.
"But I'm not done shopping," Leslie protested holding up half a dozen bags that were filled to the brim. "I didn't even start looking for shoes. Between the heat and this pregnancy, my feet are already swollen to twice their size."
"Sorry Leslie." I clutched my hands to my heart. "I'm feeling weak, and my heart is having palpitations. I might even be having a heart attack. Mall Disease can bring that on, you know."
"No, I didn't know," she snapped. "The only thing that's feeling weak is your credit card." She tossed the packages in the trunk and climbed inside the old Toyota.
"Daddy, I don't like sitting in wet," Jimmy announced from his child safety seat.
"You like sitting in the swimming pool," I reminded him while walking over to my door.
I was just about to open it when something grabbed me from behind and tossed me aside. I landed in front of the car in a pile of pink gravel, barely avoiding the lower arm of a Saguaro cactus. A moment later, Leslie joined me in the landscape.
"Ow!" she shrieked. "My baby."
I wasn't sure if she meant Jimmy who was rapidly departing in the carjacked speeder or the one that was still safely ensconced in her womb. In any case, I jumped to my feet and yelled "Stop!" at what appeared to be the same Rogarians now stealing our speeder.
The little dude, Daghtreet was strapped in next to Jimmy while the manicured mom and what I presumed was the dad backed the car out of the parking spot.
"Stop!" I yelled again and made a dash for the door, but they had already retracted the parking gear and were rising above my head. "You're stealing my son!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
The Rogarian mom stuck her head out the window and waved a long finger.
"Daghtreet want pet," she replied and smiled with all sixty of her teeth.
"Not my kid!" Unfortunately, my voice was lost in a cloud of grey exhaust as the dad pushed the throttle forward and headed out of the parking lot.
"Thad?" Leslie wailed as shots rang out across the concrete desert.
Once again, Ensign Golden in her tight shorts appeared out of nowhere, though this time, she was holding a pistol and shooting at my car. She chased it as the Rogarian dude sought to take it airborne, knocking out the rudder, punching holes in both of the wings, and puncturing a hole in the fuel line.
"My kid's in that car," I reminded her while giving chase.
"I know." She stopped and watched as the speeder slowly lost altitude, the engine sputtering as synthetic fuel compound drizzled to the ground.
The Toyota bobbed up and down doing its best to stay aloft but finally gave up, dropping about twenty feet to land right at the mall entrance. A crowd had gathered including the two mall cops who quickly pulled open the doors and retrieved Jimmy.
"No," Jimmy cried, kicking his legs as they handed him back to me. "I want to go play at Dog Treat's hotel."
"No. We're going home."
Jimmy proceeded to melt down with three year old rage, doing that limp thing where he made every muscle in his body go weak. Just holding him up took all of my concentration, so it took me a few moments to realize that Ensign Golden had been arrested once again while the Rogarians were being treated to free colas from the food court.
Katie was shoved up against a wall, her face pressed to the sandstone, her arms pinned back, and her wrists cuffed. One of the mall cops was reading her rights while the other guy approached me, tablet in hand.
"How's the little one doing?" he asked, eyeing Jimmy as he impersonated a fish. "I assume you're going to want to press charges."
"You bet," Leslie declared as she wobbled up. "They kidnapped our son. I want the full letter of the law thrown at them."
"Not them," the cop replied. "They have diplomatic immunity. They're a protected species under Allied regulations."
"But you were shooting at them inside," I protested. "What changed?"
"That was inside," he shrugged, "outside is different."
"So why is Ensign Golden arrested?" I demanded.
"For shooting a firearm in a public setting. You can probably go after her for civil charges on account she ruined your speeder. Now, can I get you to verify your vital information?"
"No! Let Ensign Golden go. She saved our son. She should be considered a hero."
"You can prosecute her," Leslie replied taking Jimmy whose limp fish act had put him to sleep. "I think we should go after her for civil damages, don't you, Thad? We ought to at least get the cost of a new Toyota out of her."
"No," I insisted again. "This is ridiculous. I demand you release her."
The two cops shuffled around and looked at each other while the Rogarians accepted large waffle cones from the fro-yo shop and a bo
x of fresh baked cookies from Mrs. Fields.
"I have a concealed carry permit for my Glock," Katie Golden tried to interrupt. "And, as a commissioned Spaceforce officer, it was my duty and obligation to respond. You can haul me down to court, but I guarantee the judge will let me go."
"Not here in the Southwest Territories," one cop replied. "We have our own system of justice. Come on."
He grabbed Katie's wrists and hauled her away, shoving her in the back of a delivery van since mall cops didn't have their own black and whites.
"Come on, Thad," Leslie called going back into the mall. "I'm going to ring your mother to come pick us up."
Twenty minutes, two fro-yo cones and three cookies later, Shelly arrived to drive us home.
"I saw you on the news," she said. "There was some kind of issue with Rogarians and a girl. I recognized your Toyota and nearly had a heart attack."
"I was going to play with Daghtreet," Jimmy told her, his eyes growing tearful again.
"Dog Treats?" Mom glanced at me in her rear view mirror. I shook my head.
"Don't ask. Just don't even ask. This was all a giant mistake."
****
I promptly forgot all about Ensign Golden. I had far more important things on my mind.
Leslie insisted her pregnancy was difficult, even though the doctor said she was doing fine. Around her sixth month, Leslie declared that from hence forth, she would stay off her feet, confined for the duration on bed rest.
Like a princess, she sat propped all day and night on pillows, demanding I wait on her as well as do everything else.
With Shelly's assistance and a string of hired help that could tolerate Leslie's cheerful disposition for extremely limited intervals, I was forced to keep the house running.
I took Jimmy to school, picked him up, cooked the meals, washed the clothes and made my quarterly sales quotas of pharmaceutical products as we desperately needed my bonuses to pay for everything and everybody.
At night, I would collapse into bed, grateful that Leslie's condition eliminated any demands she might have for my body, because I certainly couldn't give anything more. I was far too exhausted and frankly, perfectly content in my celibate state. If it weren't for Jimmy and the impending arrival of our daughter, I might have seriously contemplated joining a monastery. In fact, I looked upon those guys in their brown cloaks, their bald spots on the back of their heads and reflected that their lives were far more peaceful than mine. I was jealous of the calm and routine of their existence, selling flowers at the mall and wishing everybody a good day.