by Rachael Long
“More of a soarer,” explained the second tree monkey. “He can glide and soar but not really fly.”
“He tends to fall out of the sky when he tries to fly.” The first tree monkey flapped his arms then dropped them to his sides and pretended to lunge sideways.
“We’re tree monkeys by the way” smiled the second tree monkey. “We did have a go at being Arctic monkeys once but we went south by mistake instead of north…”
The first tree monkey gave a slight wince, “Penguins can be so vexatious…and smelly,” he said, “We returned rather quickly!”
The second tree monkey agreed then nudged the first and nodded in a not too subtle way at Typhon’s missing left arm.
“Try not to look at it,” the first suggested.
“That’s all very well, but what about the eye?”
The first tree monkey pretended to rub his forehead with his fingers, covering his face with the palm of his hand. “Don’t look at that either.” He whispered from behind his hand. “She might not like being looked at. Or she might not have realised they are missing…”
The second tree monkey looked at the first tree monkey in disbelief. “I thought you were meant to be clever!” he whispered loudly. “Of course she must have realised she’s an arm and an eye short!”
Typhon studied the two tree monkeys who had now taken to talking to each other from behind their hands. She had once come across an arboreal orang-u-tan in Borneo who did something similar but that was more of a distraction while his friend attempted to pick pockets. She glanced behind and checked her bag just in case.
The two tree monkeys dropped their hands and began arguing about Typhon’s lack of an arm and eye and how they should ignore them.
Typhon gave out a loud, ahem! “You are no doubt wondering about my…missing parts?”
“Parts?” Queried the two tree monkeys before adding, “Oh, parts. We hadn’t actually noticed,” they politely lied.
Typhon gave a doubting smile and explained to the two tree monkeys how she had lost her arm. “And my eye?” She paused and was about to say, Char-An-Chulise, when the second tree monkey blurted out;
“Was it the dragon? And are you going to hunt the dragon?”
“What do you know of the dragon?” asked Typhon-the-Tiger, happy now that the subject had changed.
“Oh, only what we over-heard between you and the stork.” Said the first tree monkey.
Hmm…Typhon mused to herself. “Suppose it isn’t a dragon?” She let her words hang in the air and raised her eyebrows, questioning.
“Well,” said the first tree monkey, never one to leave anything hanging in the air, particularly ripe fruit; “If the dragon isn’t a dragon, what might it be?”
Not being one for dramatic pauses, grammatical, natural or otherwise, the second tree monkey blurted out, “Spiders! No, if it’s one dragon…it must be one spider. Is the dragon a spider?”
Typhon-the-Tiger twirled her whiskers and looked at the two tree monkeys who then looked at each other and back at the tiger and explained; the stork had a thing about spiders. More of a phobia, really…
“There used to be,” the first tree monkey began, “a co-operative of spider weavers in one of the darker corners of the Lost Forest. They spun their webs and wove them into all sorts of things to sell. One day the stork got caught up in some of the webs that had been put out to dry. He was trapped for days before he managed to escape.”
“And,” the second tree monkey nudged the first.
“Oh, yes,” the first tree monkey laughed. “He erm nearly got eaten by a very old and blind spider! She found him tangled in the webs and decided to take him as her husband. Then in true spider fashion as is the custom, after the erm ‘celebrations’, she wanted to eat him… Ever since the stork has had an absolute terror of spiders. Hates them. So is ‘dragon’ a sort of code word for a spider?”
Typhon-the-Tiger gave a little shudder at the thought of a stork-arachno union and then related the tale that she had told the stork and how she believed the creature known as Char-An-Chulise might now be in the Lost Forest. “This creature,” added Typhon, “prefers to hide out in dark recesses and uses it’s hypnotise to control and lure and kill its prey.”
Never ones to miss out on anything unusual that might be going on, the two tree monkeys offered their assistance and suggested they visit the Sloth of Gloom as the sloth, no doubt, may either know or have heard something. They also reasoned to themselves that if it became a little too scary or dangerous or both, they could always escape into the trees!
~~~
The path to the Sloth of Gloom was slow and circular. In fact so circular was it that Typhon-the-Tiger and the two tree monkeys ended up back in the clearing where they had started!
“Are you sure you know the way to the Sloth of Gloom?” asked the first tree monkey.
The second tree monkey scratched his head and then his bottom. “It is often said,” he began, trying to sound vaguely knowledgeable, “that in order to find the Sloth of Gloom one must first know the answer one is seeking.”
“Eh?” said the first tree monkey. “You read that somewhere didn’t you? Either that or made it up.”
The second tree monkey shook and nodded his head. No, not made up but yes, read it. The Sloth of Gloom had it on a sign.
“What do you mean, a sign?” The first tree monkey was a little disbelieving.
The second tree monkey drew a rectangle in the air with his fingers. “It really is a sign and it says; In order to find a solution one must first know the answer one is seeking. The Sloth is closed for lunch.”
“So,” said the first tree monkey, “it’s an ‘Out to Lunch’ sign? A sign the sloth probably puts up when he’s gone to lunch or has gone for a nap.”
The second tree monkey scratched his bottom again and agreed that it was really, probably just an out to lunch sign.
“Filos, Filos,” said Typhon, getting frustrated. “The answer we seek is where is the dragon-spider, the one known as Char-An-Chulise!”
“Why does she keep calling everyone pastry?” the second tree monkey asked the first.
“Yes, she was calling the stork Filos,” replied the first tree monkey, “and now us…” He shrugged, and looked at Typhon. “I say, erm, missus Ty-phoon…” the first tree monkey began but was cut short.
“My name is TYPHON-the-Tiger! Tee-fon. I am a tigress! But tiger does just as well. And I am an adventurer and explorer and the last of the great Greek tigers! Did I say I was also a lion tamer?”
“Yes, sorry, we get that bit. But why do you keep calling us pastry?” The tree monkeys asked.
“Pastry? Pastry is filo. We Greeks invented it but the Turks claim it was their idea first. Hah! But I call you Filos, not filo. It was a term of friendship amongst my family. Although, as I have said, I am the last of the great Greek tigers.”
The first tree monkey nodded and suggested, as they had now cleared that up and that
they knew the answer they were seeking; the location of the spider-dragon, they should proceed directly to the Sloth of Gloom and find out more. Typhon agreed and all three set off again in search of the Sloth of Gloom who may or may not be out to lunch.
Slowly the three trekked ever deeper into the dark recesses of the Lost Forest; Typhon-the-Tiger strode out in front with the two tree monkeys dawdling behind.
“Why do you think she’s the last of the great Greek tigers?” The first tree monkey asked the second.
“Perhaps,” the second suggested, “She ate all the others?”
“Hmm…hope she doesn’t want to try monkey then. Or perhaps it could be she’s the last because she doesn’t have any brothers or sisters…”
“Or, or…” The second tree monkey searched his brain for a reason. “Or perhaps she’s the last because her family was released into the wild and, and became cheaters!”
“I think you mean, cheetah.”
“That’s what I said.”
“Why would her family have been released into the wild? Surely being tigers they were already wild?” The first tree monkey fell silent and walked along behind the tiger next to the second tree monkey for a while without speaking until…
“I bet they were all undercover spies and lived in a zoo and had to be released into the wild to save them from something and had to change their names and she,” the second tree monkey nodded at Typhon, “got forgotten about and was left behind.”
“I’m not sure tigers, being orange and stripy, would make very good spies but I do wonder if you have been chewing Iboga root again?”
Before the second tree monkey could respond, Typhon suddenly stopped and slowly reached into her bag, gripping her rope tightly. She turned her head back toward the two tree monkeys. “What is that?” she asked and cast her eyes in the direction of a small moonlit clearing ahead where a group of shadowy figures with flickering torches could be made out.
“Hyenas! A pack of them!” exclaimed the second tree monkey.
“Shh!” said the first. “They’re not the most friendly of creatures and in spite of their laugh, I really do not think they have a sense of humour.”
Before Typhon and the tree monkeys could do or say anything more, the hyenas surrounded them. “Who sent you!” the hyenas demanded, the flames of the flickering torches they held seemed to twist and distort their faces.
“I am Typhon-the-Tiger, last of the great Greek tigers,” said Typhon.
“And we’re tree monkeys,” said the first tree monkey.
“We are the Hyenas of the Association of the Noble Game of Chess,” said the Hyenas speaking as one.
“The hyenas of chess?” said Typhon.
“Yes, the same. We are on retreat to perfect a cunning new chess move.” Said all but one of hyenas.
“I thought we were the Association of Hyenas of the Noble Game of Chess?” said the lone hyena.
“No,” replied the rest of the hyena pack. “It’s Hyenas of the Association of the Noble Game of Chess!”
“I think they’re all one branch short of a tree, if you ask me.” Said the first tree monkey to the second.
“More like two or three branches,” added the second tree monkey. “Quite mad.”
Typhon smiled at the hyenas and said, “We are but simple travellers who seek the enchanted one known as the Sloth of Gloom who lives beyond this clearing.”
The hyenas, all except one whom the others always referred to as the ‘awkward one’, began laughing. “No, no, noooo.” They cackled.
“Are you sure we’re not the Hyenas of the Noble Game of Chess Association, instead?” asked the ‘awkward one’.
“Shut up!” the other hyenas shouted and stared at the ‘awkward one’ until he went and sat next to a tree by himself and began mumbling grumpily. The group then turned back to Typhon and the tree monkeys.
“As we were saying,” they said; “No, no, nooo. You must appease us first. In the words set out in the great book of the Harkness Official Rules of Chess (Unabridged) you are in check!” They all laughed except the awkward one who continued to grumble to himself, mostly about how he preferred checkers, Chinese or otherwise.
“In check?” queried Typhon.
“We could make you a checked chess board,” suggested the first tree monkey.
“We already have a chess board,” replied the hyenas, “See.” They parted and a previously unnoticed zebra stepped forward. “It’s a mobile chess board,” they added, pointing at the zebra’s sides.
“I say,” said the first tree monkey to the zebra, “your sides have vertical and horizontal stripes!”
“And look,” said the second tree monkey pointing at the zebra’s side, “at least two of the horizontal stripes are missing!”
“Ah, Filos,” nodded Typhon. “This must be the zebra the stork was going to look for. This is the zebra of the soccer refereeing.”
“Well he’s ours now!” said the hyenas. “We used imported imitation ring-tailed lemur tails for the horizontal stripes.”
“That was my idea!” called out the ‘awkward one’ to no response other than one or two ‘he’s at it again’ tuts.
“Well…” began Typhon before being interrupted by the tree monkeys.
“…If you don’t let us pass, we’ll tell those lions at the Lions Tea Rooms that you’re really hyenas and not African aardwolves as you keep telling them!”
The tree monkeys smiled at Typhon and explained in whispers that lions, historically, hated hyenas enormously - probably quite a lot more than hyenas hated lions in fact. Typhoon nodded; ever since her unfortunate tangle with Maximus Catus of the Circus Roderick, she too had developed if not a hatred, then certainly a dislike of lions.
The hyenas whispered among themselves then agreed, as this was, in chess parlance a counter check, they would let Typhon and the tree monkeys pass and go on their way. The imitation ring-tailed-lemur-tail festooned zebra took his chance and quietly wandered off in his own direction. Over recent days and mainly because he didn’t really like soccer and always nodded off whenever he tried to read Harkness’s Official Rules of Chess, abridged or unabridged, he had decided to get himself completely de-striped or even painted brown and become a rodeo horse.
Of course had anyone asked, which they hadn’t, the hyena known as the ‘awkward one’ would have told them he saw it all coming days ago. He could smell it on the wind – whose wind he wasn’t quite sure though…
~~~
“You know what? As clearings go I think this one is quite a snug and comfortable one.” The first tree monkey nodded his appreciation as he, the second tree monkey and Typhon-the-Tiger entered the Sloth of Gloom’s clearing.
“It is a bit gloomy though,” the second tree monkey said and laughed at his own pun.
Typhon looked around and despite the pun, it did indeed seem to her, a place of gloom and as her whiskers bristled, a place of dread too. She looked at the two tree monkeys and enquired where they might find the Sloth of Gloom.
“Usually,” said the second tree monkey, “he lazes around on top of that pipeline over there.”
“Apart from the times he slides off. Or so I’ve heard.” Added the first.
Out of the gloom something began to descend from the trees overhanging the pipeline.
“That’s a bit athletic for the sloth,” said the second tree monkey pointing at the slowly descending shape.
Typhon watched the lowering shape. “How many hands or legs or feet did the Sloth of Gloom have the last time you saw him?” She looked at the second tree monkey and gently withdrew her rope from her bag. “This one,” Typhon nodded up at the descending shape, “looks to have eight legs...”
The two tree monkeys looked at each other and then at Typhon before blurting out,
“SPIDER-DRAGON!”
Typhon stepped to one side and readied her rope, clutching it in a whip-like fashion. “Char-An-Chulise!” she cried out and cracked her rope.
Char-An-Chulise the spider-dragon paused her descent. “Ah, tiger,” she said, “we meet again after all these years. I must admit I was a little, but not too disappointed for you, when your career was brought to an early end by that mischievous lion. You were almost quite famous.”
Typhoon shrugged, she had long since put the loss of her lion-taming career behind her. “I’m more of an explorer and adventurer these days.” She flashed a defiant smile, “Besides, I think the only thing that comes from fame is mediocrity.”
Char-An-Chulise dropped a little lower and cackled, “I myself have always preferred infamy!” She flexed her legs and continued, “Remind me tiger, the last time our paths crossed… You don’t recall? Well, it was hardly your finest moment. I seem to remember you ran away crying. Admittedly you were but a cub and I had just blinded you in one eye and consumed your family. Your father put up such a good fight, your mother too. But in the end… Hmmm…tiger meat can be so…chewy, don’t you think?”
The two tree monkeys loo
ked at each other and whispered, “last of the great Greek tigers. Now we know why…”
“And I see,” Char-An-Chulise added, “you have brought some play friends with you.”
“Oh, we’re tree monkeys,” said the second tree monkey, nervously looking at the giant-sized dangling spider.
“Mmm…monkey meat…yummy! Make a nice change from bush squirrel.” Char-An-Chulise lowered herself a little more and fixed her eyes on the two tree monkeys, who backed away, frightened, toward the edge of the sloth’s clearing.
“Don’t look at her eyes! She’ll try and use her wild hypnotise on you.” called out Typhon as she cracked her rope whip again and sent the end snaking toward Char-An-Chulise where it landed a smarting sting on the spider-dragon’s body.
“Ooh, steady tiger!” cried out Char-An-Chulise. “You’ll have to try better than that!” And without a pause, she shot out a lasso of silken thread aimed not at Typhon but the two tree monkeys. In a handful of seconds Char-An-Chulise had pulled herself back up into the tree canopy, reeled in the two tree monkeys and disappeared.