Table of Contents
Title Page
Acknowledgments
Preface
Foreword
SLOW RIDER
A BAD ERA FOR SENSIBLE SHOES
This Little Piggy Went to the Doctor
Just Take ’Em Off, Lady
DUDE, WHERE’S MY CONDO?
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)
ARMS AND THE MAN
The Arms Race
ROLL CALL
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: THE ZIMMERMANN TELEGRAM
Meet the Mastermind
The Logistics
The British Wiles
The German Soft Spot
The American Dilemma
The Mastermind Strikes Again
A COMBUSTIBLE SITUATION
Burning with Bad Intentions
A POWERFUL CLERICAL ERROR
They Don’t Excel at Proofreading
COURT ORDER: DECEASED SPOUSE MUST PAY ALIMONY
But Is It Legal? You Bet!
HARRY POTTER AND THE REALITY-IMPAIRED FAN
AND IOWA’S STREETS WILL FLOW CORNHUSKER RED!
Iowa Is the Favorite
BABY, YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR—IN SEVEN YEARS
AND HERE I THOUGHT GUTVIK WAS A KIND OF FISH
Just Put Glimma on the Duvemar
Gutvik? I’ll Take Two!
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: ESCAPED PRISONERS
YIPES! STRIPES!
ONE MORE ITEM FOR THE “DO NOT PLACE IN MICROWAVE LIST”
NOT WHAT IS USUALLY MEANT BY “MIXED MEDIA”
Cruel and Unusual
UP IN SMOKE
Like a House Afire
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: KANGAROO JACK (2003)
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: WACKY WORLD LEADERS
MONEY FOR NOTHING
THE HIGH COST OF SITTING
Arrested for Resting
A STUPID EXCUSE THAT WASN’T
Exhibit B for Burrito
THE HURTINGEST MAN IN THE WORLD
Not Your Father’s HMO
Let’s Do It Under the Table
A CHEESY AIRPORT SECURITY STORY
What a Cheesy Gift!
An Unexplosive Situation
THAT’S ONE LUCKY MAN
Dumb, But Lucky
HOW NOT TO CLEANSE YOUR PALATE
May We Suggest a Little Sorbet Instead?
ANATOMY OF A DUMB EXCUSE: THE NEKKID PILOTS
The Truth, As Far As We Can Tell
ANOTHER THIRD WILL HAVE TO SIT AT THE NERD TABLE AT LUNCH
Why They’re Called Vice-Principals
CANADA, MY CANADA
A CAPITOL PERFORMANCE
De-Duct-ive Reasoning
TRAIN WRECK TV
But Wait, There’s More!
Next on Springer: “I’m in Trouble with the Law for Being on Springer!”
NEXT TIME, HE SHOULD GO FOR A LITTLE SEQU INED NUMBER
Skirting the Issue
#1 AT WIMBLEDON
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: ARTSY-FARTSY
YOU CAN BUY BULLETS IN THE GIFT SHOP
Let’s Not and Say We Did
DON’T DRIVE ANGRY. DON’T CRASH ANGRY, EITHER.
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
HE GETS FIRST PLACE IN SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT
THAT’S SOME BANK ERROR
But, Honey . . .
Don’t “Honey” Me!
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003)
NOT VERY COOL
Cooling-off Period
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR CUTTING IN LINE
ULTIMATE MELLOW HARSHER
NOT THE RECORD TO HOLD IF YOU WANT TO MEET GROOVY CHICKS
What Is Going On Down There?
YOU CAN PUT THEM RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR FAKE CREDIT CARDS
All That Glitters, Baby
FIRST WE TAKE AUSTRIA, THEN LIECHTENSTEIN WILL FALL LIKE A PLUMP GRAPE
An Army of One
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: BAD FOOD IDEAS
THE 411 ON 911
Maybe Jimmy Is a Big White Rabbit
DUBIOUS DECOR AWARD
Voodoo Economics
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY, EXCEPT IN CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE THESE
I’D KILL FOR THIS PART!
ON THE OTHER HAND, WOULD YOU WANT THIS GUY ON YOUR JURY?
JUST SAY NO, EXCEPT TO US
Is It in You?
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT THEY CALL THEIR HARD LIQUOR!
What’s the Big Deal?
HANDS DOWN, THE STICKIEST TAX SITUATION YET
That Was Jive, Clive
Sticking Up for Himself
DRIVEN TO DRINK
BAD PARENTS, IN CARS
Daddy Dearest
Pin the Tale on the Daddy
Mommy’s Visit to the Slammer
A Shut and Open Case
BANG! YOU’RE DUMB
JAILHOUSE LAWYER
TAKE A BITE OUT OF CRIME
Snausages! Snausages!
GIVE ’EM 15 MINUTES AND YOU’LL HAVE THE SCREENPLAY FOR GIGLI
Here’s the Poop
PAY FOR TV? THAT’S COMMUNISM!
Big BBC Is Watching
But We Only Watch Reruns
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE U.S. FLAG: LOVE IT OR MOVE TO NORWAY!
Accidentally on Purpose
Crime and Punishment Norwegian Style
COPS! LIVE ON MTV!
Bad Brad
GIVE HIM A PINK SLIP
Time for a Career Change
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
PAGING SENATOR RYDER
50,000 VOLTS IS JUST GOD’S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO PLAY THROUGH
Not Smart Enough to Come in out of the Rain
Hey! I’m Talking to You
SOMETIMES THE INSECT WINS
It Could Have Been a Nasty Scrape
STUPID AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER TRICKS
Off the Radar
MON DIEU! STOP THE MUSIC!
THE TOILET PAPER–DISPENSING PDA COSTS EXTRA
Après the Internet Café
Hey Dude, Hurry Up with That Download
Rebooting the System
IF YOU’RE SEEING DOUBLE, DOES THAT MEAN YOU’VE VOTED TWICE?
Arriving Under the Influence
I Demand My Rights As a Citizen!
FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T GO AFTER A GRIZZLY WITH ENDUST
Let Us Spray
Let’s Get the Heck Outta Here!
HAKENKREUZING FOR A BRUISING
Good vs. Evil
OM, OM, OW!
Somebody Call a Doctor!
CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION GONE WRONG
The Joke’s on You—and So Is the Ink
LATER IN THE DAY, THE NRA WENT THROUGH THE HALLS SHOOTING BLANKS
They Were Petri-fied
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH (2002)
A SNAFU AT HQ
DUM-PL8S
How High?
HE’S NOT EXACTLY HAPPY ABOUT THOSE “SKORTS,” EITHER
The Seat of the Problem
Ignore Him and Maybe He’ll Go Away
GRANDFATHER CLUCK
Bringing Down Baby
BLOODY DUMB
FAN SERVICE
Meanwhile in the Middle East . . .
IF HE’D TAKEN THE ICE CREAM, HE’D PROBABLY BE LOOKING AT A FELONY
Hey, Wait a Minute!
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
JEWELRY TO SPARE, APPARENTLY
Let’s See . . . Decisions, Decis
ions
BALLOONATIC
Don’t Even Think About Spraying the Vice President with Reddi-wip
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
MAMA BEARS DOWN ON THE CROWD
Please Curb Your Dog
A New Leash on Life
A FISHY PREMISE
Nemo Meets the Muffin Monster
Is This the End of Nemo?
Then Why Did They Name It Muffin Monster?
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: SWEPT AWAY (2002)
THIS RESCUE WAS ALL WET
A DOG DAY AFTERNOON
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED
Paybacks Are Hell
TURN ON YOUR ART LIGHT
GOLDEN RULE DAYS
SHE SCREAMED FOR ICE CREAM
Hold the Cone!
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: LOUIS XVI’S MONEY PROBLEMS
The Not-So-Great Escape
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
TAKING A YEN FOR PACHINKO A LITTLE TOO FAR
Life Must Go on—Ka-ching!
SHE POPPED THE CLUTCH. HE PUT IT INTO GEAR. HEH HEH HEH.
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
IS THAT A BOMB IN YOUR SHOE, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
Lost in Translation
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: SENSITIVITY
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER (2002)
IT WAS JUST LIKE THE LOVE BOAT, EXCEPT FOR THOSE DARN FEDERAL AGENTS
Not Only Brilliant, But Foolproof
You’re on Your Own Kid
SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR
YOUR CAT IS IN FOR A SHOCK
THE RUNNING OF THE MORONS
A Lot of Bulls
This Idea Is Bull***!
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THOSE CRAZY TEENS!
A GUN IN THE OVEN
Now You’re Cooking
BONO’S HAT TRICK
Mr. Hat Only Travels First Class
Mr. Hat Gets an Upgrade
It Was All Worth It
DAGNABBIT! THE GAS PEDAL MOVED ON ITS OWN!
How Not to Pass Your Driving Test
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: GLITTER (2001)
DEAR DIARY: I HOPE MY WIFE DOESN’T READ YOU!
My Achy Breaky Heart
WHAT THE HACK?
DUMB MUNICIPAL CODES IN ACTION
A Pack of Kools and Some Kool-Aid
A.K.A. the Quibbling Commission
Smoking Allowed
AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, THIS ARTICLE IS 100% ORIGINAL
Enough Irony to Cure Anemia
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
A HARD KNOCK LIFE
DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: DONKEY KONG KRAZINESS
Gorilla Tactics
Kong of All They Survey
Media Giant Killer
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THOSE DISTURBING ANIMALS!
THANK GOD IT WASN’T A MEDICAL EXAM
HOW NOT TO HAIL A TAXI
Why the Southern Exposure?
HOW TO ANNOY A JUDGE, TIP #4,655
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUMB-ASS
It Comes As No Surprise
HE’LL NEED ONE HECK OF A WIRELESS CONNECTION
THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF SING-SING
You Know, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Had a Fabulous Singing Voice
SO MUCH FOR PUPPY LOVE
Dogs Just Want to Have Fun
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001)
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
YOU FOUND WHAT IN MY FREEZER?
What Did They Have to Lose?
YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES. OR NOT.
Just Her Type—Dumb As a Post
Seduced and Betrayed
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
Napoleon First
Hey, Who Ate the Last Potato?
Twiddling the Imperial Thumbs
That’s Right, Kick Him When He’s Down
BORN TO BE BAD
It’s Inconceivable!
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND (2001)
FROM DOO-DOO TO DEEP DOO-DOO
More Arresting Behavior
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, MAKE SURE YOUR PERMITS ARE IN ORDER
A TAXING SITUATION
Wonder if He Had the Paperwork to Prove His Claim
WELCOME TO FREEDOM, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST
A Delivery from the Drugstore
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
BEEKEEP, I’LL HAVE A STINGER
Bee Happy
WHAT’S MORE, MIMING A BOMB THREAT ISN’T COOL, EITHER
The Trouble with Teens
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
WHEN GAS SUPPLIES COME TO A DEAD STOP
He Doesn’t Need to Fasten His Seatbelt
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THE WORLD OF FASHION
DIAL “D” FOR DIVORCE
Hitting Someone Is the Best Revenge
NOTE TO SELF: 911 DOESN’T TAKE REQUESTS
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: NOT-SO-GOLDEN OLDIE
Petula Clark on Wheels
The Lovin’ Spoonful at Home
Pink Floydiana
Mac Stops Thinking About Tomorrow
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000)
LIKE A RAT IN A DAZE
Just Say No to Evidence
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
DEAR GOD: NEXT TIME SEND AN E-MAIL
On with the Show
THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: STUPIDITY AT WORK
NOW FOR THE IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
He Didn’t Even Give Us Peanuts
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
DUI DOUBLE TROUBLE
All Boozed Up and No Place to Go
DUMB, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE
Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb Page 1