by Sandy Kline
“Where to ladies?” He asks.
I look at the dashboard for the man’s license/ID. His name is Ahmad. It’s time to set the groundwork for a wild night on the town.
“Well Ahmad, I haven’t been out on the town since my son was five and he turned ten last week. I…we’re looking for the night of our lives. I know you guys take kickbacks for taking patrons to certain bars but that’s not what we’re looking for. I could care less about all the fantastic places one can get drunk in your fair town. We want an unusual experience. Take us off the beaten path Ahmad.”
“Wow…no pressure there.” He says with a sigh. “Okay…so you want something different then? What about the underground scene here?”
“You mean underground clubs?” Taylor asks. “We’re not really into clubbing. At least not right now. What else you got?”
“Well…if you’re looking for a truly Ashland underground experience then I know exactly where to go.”
“Okay…keep going.”
“Are you girls MMA fans?”
“Keep talking.” I reply.
Taylor turns to me. “Are you sure about this?” She asks me.
“Oh like he’s going to ever be in some underground fight club. Let’s go check this out.”
“Alright Ahmed, take us there.” Taylor instructs our cabbie.
“I can take you there alright but I need to be convinced you girls aren’t cops.”
“Are you kidding me?” Taylor asks, getting annoyed.
“I’m totally serious. You girls look harmless and your story about getting out or not getting out in five years is probably true but I have to be careful who I bring to these fights.”
“What, are you going to tell us we have to suck your cock or something?” I ask him.
“Sorry girls but you’re not my type. All I ask is that you take a couple hits on this.” He says as he holds up a ceramic pipe.
“Is that crack?” Taylor asks her eyes bugging out.
When it comes to drugs she’s pretty much clueless. I’m pretty sure she’s never smoked a joint. She won’t even take a second aspirin without consulting a physician first.
“I’m game.” I say, grabbing the pipe from his hand. “You gotta light?”
Taylor looks at me like I’m nuts.
“Oh come on girlfriend. I am not going home tonight until I taken part in everything this city has to offer.”
I take the lighter that Ahmad is extending towards me. Without another thought I set the flame to the bowl and inhale deeply the moment it lights up. The hot smoke goes deep into my lungs and I clamp my mouth shut determined not to exhale until I get the full effect. Suddenly my head begins to spin and my lungs expand painfully. In fact it feels like they’re going to pop. Despite my earlier convictions to hold the smoke it I can’t do it. I open my mouth with an explosion of acrid smoke, coughing and gagging. Despite my sudden discomfort I am instantly stoned.
“Holy fuck!” I exclaim. “This shit is strong.”
“Yeah you guys should take it easy on that stuff. Shit you smoked when you were teens has maybe a tenth the THC this stuff has now.”
I pass the tiny pipe to Taylor. She’s trying to look relaxed but her hands are shaking.
“Here, I’m gonna help you. When you inhale I’m going to blow on the end. It’ll help you get it down into your virgin lungs.”
Taylor nods and brings the pipe to her lips. I light the bowl and as she begins to inhale I blow in. Her eyes bug out and she starts to open her mouth to let the smoke out but I clamp my hand across her full red lips.
“Oh no you don’t.” I say to her.
Her eyes go even wider and she starts swiveling her head around like some doll until I finally have to let go. I get a face full of smoke for my efforts while she coughs and gags. I take one more hit on the pipe and pass it back to Ahmad.
“I don’t think she can handle anymore.” I tell him.
“Oh my god what’s happening to me?” She asks. “My brain is expanding. It’s floating around in my head Chrissy and I can’t catch it.”
She emphasizes this fact by snatching at invisible little brains that seem to be floating around in front of her face. I catch her hands and put them in her lap.
“Leave them in your lap Taylor.” Then I look to Ahmad. “Are we cool? Do we get to go to this super-secret underground thingy?”
He laughs. “Yeah, you girls are cool. I’ll take ya. Just keep an eye on your friend there. She’s gonna be loopy for a while.”
“She was married to an MMA fighter once.” Taylor offers. “But he was a fighter for Surge. He wouldn’t be caught dead at an underground fight club. He made a shitload of money too.”
“Yeah until he turned into a steroid abusing asshole.” I put in.
“Nobody gets to have it all.” Taylor explains, not even you Chrissy.”
“Thanks for the observation Taylor.” I turn to our driver. “We almost there?”
“Don’t know. I’m just waiting for a text giving me the address. Should know in a minute.”
“I thought you knew where it is?” I ask, somewhat annoyed.
“There are about a half dozen venues. I just don’t know which venue is being used tonight.”
“This really is secretive.”
“You wanna know something that’s not a secret?” Taylor asks me.
“Sure.” I reply, not really wanting to know what she’s about to go off about.
“I’m starving…wait…not starving, we just ate.” She pauses lost in thought. “Munchies. I got the munchies. That’s the big non secret.”
I shake my head. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. I really didn’t plan on getting stoned. Drunk maybe, but not high as a kite.
“Got it!” Ahmad announces. “We’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
Twenty-five minutes later we’re stopping at a club called Carburetor. I do not like the looks of it. Judging from the parking lot cage fighting and the outlaw biking culture seem to go hand in hand everywhere you go. There are probably five motorcycles for every car in the lot. There are also a number of taxis waiting as well.
“It’s here?” I ask.
“Here.” He says handing us two black business cards.
I hand one to Taylor and examine mine. I can’t really read it in the dim streetlight but I can tell its black with black embossed ink on one side. If I was blind maybe I could make it out with my fingers. Taylor immediately licks hers so I snatch it back.
“You’ll get yours later.” I say to her.
“Give them to the bouncer at the door and he’ll give you further instructions. Have fun girls and whatever you do…stay together! Carburetor can be rough as it is, but when you go to the basement, well you’ve just entered a whole other world. You understand what I’m saying to you?” He asks.
“Yeah…and if it’s that rough, did you really have to addle our brains with pot before taking us here?”
“Hey, rules is rules. Had to make sure you weren’t undercover cops.”
I reach across Taylor and open the door. I hand our cabbie three twenties and he hands me back his own business card.
“I’m on all night.” He says. “Call me and I’ll be here in twenty minutes unless I have another fair. Then you can either wait or I’ll send a friend for you. Have fun and be safe girls.”
I’m glad to get out. He’s suddenly making me really nervous. I’m beginning to wonder about his place. In fact I’m just about to turn around and hail our cabbie again but Taylor takes off towards the bar. I hurry though the rain after her. The bouncer stops her at the door making her wait until I get there with our secret black cards. He takes our cards then sticks his hand up in the air and makes some weird hand sign. A few seconds later a very serious man in a black leather jacket, black tee, black jeans, and shit kicker black motorcycle boots appears. He’s not overly handsome, but he’s not ugly either. He has a shaved head and a goatee. The man looks ready for action and I’m guessing in
a place like this there’s lots of action.
“This way ladies.” He says, leading us through the crowd.
We reach a heavy black door in the back and he knocks four times in rapid succession. Immediately it opens and another muscle bound man lets us in. Our bald escort nods goodbye and returns to the crowd in the club. We go down a short dank hall to an elevator. When the door opens he holds it for us, then reaches in and presses a single button with a down arrow on it. After pressing the button he steps back letting the door close between us.
“Where’s the munchies?” Taylor asks.
“Where are the fights?” I counter.
After a few seconds I begin to hear a crowd screaming softly. As we descend the noise gets louder and louder but it’s nothing like the sound when the elevator doors open. I jump involuntarily at the sudden explosion of sound. It takes a moment for my eyes to get used to the darkness in the room. Compound that with the overhang of greenish blue smoke and the atmosphere is surreal. I grab Taylor’s hand remembering the cabbie’s admonition to stay together. From what I can tell we’re in a pretty good sized basement that was probably used as a parking garage at one point. In the middle is a single stage with a wire cage. Taylor pulls me into the room. We get as close as we can to the stage and watch the festivities. The more I look around us the more frightened I become. The crowd seems to be predominantly bikers and biker’s old ladies. I feel like we’re both sticking out like sore thumbs. Up on the stage several ring girls are flaunting their tight sexy bodies while some announcer is talking about the upcoming fights.
As if I’m not worried enough, suddenly every light in the place goes out! Taylor squeezes my hand painfully tight. It takes a few moments before the crowd becomes quiet enough to hear my own heart pounding painfully in my chest. I don’t know if my fear is real or paranoia due to the pot we smoked just before coming here. I can feel Taylor trembling next to me and I have a sudden desire to just run. It’s so dark I can’t even see my hand in front of my face but I’m just about to run in a blind panic. Right at the exact time I am going to bolt lights begin coming on. Up over the clouds of smoke blood red lights appear.
“What are we doing here?” Taylor asks me.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.” I acknowledge.
“Ya think? Maybe we shou-”
Whatever she’s about to say gets drowned out immediately by the thunderous beating of drums followed by stomping of scores of boots on the cement floor. About every ten seconds the drumming gets even louder and so does the stomping of the boots. Then the blood red lights begin to flash in time with the boots. Something is about to happen. I’d like to think I know what’s going on but soon as we stepped off that elevator all bets were off.
I’m starting to get super confused. I know what we came for but I’ve never experienced this weird dungeon-like experience. The stomping milling crowd is becoming too disorienting and pretty soon my, I’m here to see a good fight, turns into, I just wanna get the fuck out of here. I hook my arm in Taylor’s just in time. Just before the swirling sea of red bodies swallows us up. We started near the elevator but by the time the lights hit the stage and the two fighters come out, we’re right up against the stage. I look up just in time to see a huge musclebound fighter spin around and plant his bloody face against the wire mesh cage less than two feet from my own stunned face. He shakes his head, looks right into my eyes and gives me a bloody, toothy grimace. It’s like a car wreck here. I want to look away but it’s so damn awful I can’t look away. Then he actually flashes me a smile, then coughs. Instinctively I close my eyes and try to shield my face but my one arm gets tangled in Taylor’s and my other one’s still clutching my purse. I feel his hot acrid blood spray across my face. My mouth is filled with its coppery taste and it takes all of two seconds before my stomach says that’s enough. I turn and vomit on a pair of some lady’s expensive pumps.
When I finally look back up I see Taylor transfixed. She’s staring up at what has got to be the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life. But I just get a flash before he becomes part of an unbelievable fury of fists and feet as the two fighters pummel the existence out of each other. I’ll never forget that face though. We end up staying at the fights for another 45 minutes and every time I close my eyes I see his face looking down at me. Most fighters favor the shaved head look but not this guy. He had longish blond hair that came down a little past his jaw with a shock of hair falling across his left eye. I’ll never forget that piercing blue eye looking down at me. I felt like he was searching my soul with his penetrating gaze. The weird thing of it was, he only looked at me for a second but in that second but that second told me everything I needed to know about the man. Honesty, loyalty, integrity, and honor…words to live by. Words that the blue-eyed man lives by. He’s a good person in a bad situation and looking to get out and better himself…
“Are you nuts?” Taylor asks me as we wait for our taxi.
“What?”
“Honesty, loyalty, integrity, and honor…words to live by?” She asks. “You got all that from a single glance between blows?”
“Oh shit, was I just saying that out loud?”
“What’d you think you were doing?”
“I don’t know, carrying on a private conversation in my head?”
“Yeah you been saying everything that pops into your head ever since we came out of that place. I thought you were weird before, but now? Your head’s a scary place to live in honey.”
“It’s that weed we smoked. I think it was laced with something else. I’ve smoked a lot of weed in my life as a teenager and I never tripped like this before.”
“Oh…I thought that shit was normal.” Taylor says. “I am not smoking that stuff ever again.”
“That guy…with the blue eyes and blond hair…was he as hot as I’m thinking or was that the drugs too?”
“Oh no, that wasn’t the drugs sister, he was hot!”
“You did call our cabbie right?”
“Should be here any second.”
I close my eyes again and I can still feel the world around me spinning slowly. I feel like I’m wrapped in a warm pink cloud of love and everything is just alright with the world.
“Hey lady, you gonna pay for that?” Asks a loud voice.
Abruptly my warm fluffy goodness falls away and the sound of a hundred clinking glasses and forty different conversations flow over me. I open my eyes to find an unbelievably handsome guy with a towel in one hand and holding a receipt in the other. My eyes follow the hand holding the receipt and move up his veiny, muscled forearm to his beautifully sculpted bicep. Even with his arm being relaxed like it is I can see the cloth of the black tee straining almost to a point of tearing. My eyes fall on his bulging chest and I can’t help but think he’s gonna be in trouble if he flexes. It’s gonna be The Incredible Hulk all over again with his shirt ripping and coming off his tanned body. He’s got one a couple days growth of blond whiskers on his square jaw. I look up into his blue eyes and it’s all over for me. I am captivated! Mesmerized. I’m lost in him and he doesn’t even know it yet. It’s the guy from the fights Taylor and I…where’s Taylor?
“Miss?” He says.
“What?”
I whirl around in my stool taking in my surroundings. I’m sitting at a long bar, on a stool and holding some kind of drink in my right hand. What the hell happened to Taylor? And where’s the cabbie and the fight club? I look around frantically for something that looks familiar but I’m sure I’ve never been in this bar before.
“You need to settle your tab lady. It’s 2:00 am, bar’s closing.”
“What?” I know I should say something charming right about now but I’m drawing a blank. It’s enough just to hear his voice.
“You hard of hearing lady? Settle your tab. You can pay for this right?”
I snatch the receipt from him and look at it. There’s…fifteen drinks on here. I look at the total on the bottom; $111.75. I look back
at the bar tender.
“Who drank all these?” I ask.
“You and your friends…but mostly you.”
“Where ar-”
“Split…about an hour ago. You okay lady?”
I ignore his question. “How long have I been sitting here?”
“Not really sure.” He says. “Probably a couple hours, maybe more.”
“And I didn’t leave? I just sat here the whole time? Who was with me?”
“Come on lady, I gotta lot a shit to do so I can close down the bar.”
“Just tell me who I was drinking with and I’ll pay up and leave you alone.”
“Fine…you were with some hot brunette chick. She had this super cute short haircut along the jawline and diamond stud in her nose. She was hot. I noticed her. Then there was this buff fighter type dude by the looks of him. He was scary big. I mean I got guns on me but this dude; he was steroid big if you know what I mean. Oh, and he had this kind of sunburst tattoo on the back of his shaved head. He was kind of an asshole to you though. I was surprised you just sat there and took it.”
He just described Taylor to a tee and maybe Boomer which is totally weird.
“What’s your name?” I ask him.
Keep him talking. I think to myself. I gotta keep him talking. I swear he’s the most beautiful specimen of a human being I have ever set eyes on.
“My name’s Jake.” He replies. “Now please, pay your tab. I gotta get back to work.”
I dig around in my purse and fish out my credit card. A sudden ding ding ding of a bell startles me and I nearly drop my purse on the floor. I look up and on the television set above the bar a MMA cage fight has just ended. The camera zooms in on the winner’s face. He has longish blond hair with a shock of tresses flowing across his left eye. As he begins to answer questions the camera zooms in for a closer look. His one visible blue eye literally pierces my heart from right out of the television set. I know him. Or I feel like I do. His penetrating gaze tells me everything I need to know about that man and before the camera cuts away I know he’s a man of honesty, loyalty, integrity, and honor. Wait a second; I’ve seen that guy before. He’s right in freaking front of me!