by Lindsey Iler
He takes my hand in his and rubs his thumb along mine. “You’re safe here.”
“I needed to tell someone,” I admit, my voice stitched with sadness.
“It’s okay,” Mark whispers in my ear and my muscles slowly untangle.
We watch the remainder of the movie in silence. Baby offers to carry a watermelon when I feel Mark’s fingers running through my hair until they reach the ends. He plays with the strands, wrapping the brown tendrils around his fingers before releasing his hold to continue the same pattern.
“Hey kids,” Diane cheers loudly, as she enters the room.
I jump up from the couch, putting distance between Mark and me. Giving Diane any reason to dislike me isn’t what I intend to do.
She smiles at me, then narrows her gaze at her son. I see the wheels turning in her head as she skims her blue eyes between the two of us. I’m too busy staring at the pristine carpet to see the tray of two sandwiches, BBQ potato chips, and chocolate chip cookies, not to mention, the four cans of Coke in her arms.
“You’ve outdone yourself, Mom. Why the special treatment? All the other girls usually get a blank stare and a snotty head nod,” Mark declares. The laugh under his breath infiltrates the large room, showing their easy banter.
“The difference is, this one has class unlike the rest,” Diane states. “Her clothes are still on, too, so that’s an extra bonus point.”
I can’t help the uncomfortable laugh that escapes my lips. This makes her smile grow larger.
“We aren’t... We’re just...” I babble, completely flustered with the idea.
“Friends, Mom. Kennedy and I are just friends.” Mark beams at my innate ability to fumble over my words. “You need to calm down. Mom’s not under any impression that I’m a saint.”
“Hang around with her a little longer and you just might be. Now, I have to go to the country club to whip the decorator into shape. You two behave. Mark, that’s directed at you, and Kennedy, please, come back again. Even if Mark’s a giant asshole, you’re always welcome.” Diane winks at me and I can’t help but feel she’s someone most girls should strive to be.
“Thanks a lot, Mom.” Mark screams at her, even though she’s walking out the front door.
We eat in silence, taking small breaks to sip our Cokes. I feel a strange sense of comfort in Mark’s home. His mother is soft and carefree. She loves Mark and his brothers, judging by the pictures hanging on every wall and sitting on any available surface. There’s an easiness to their relationship. Not everyone is as lucky as Mark. Some people don’t have the luxury of a doting mother and a supportive father. Some people have to fight for their lives every day.
I’m right in the middle. Loving parents with little to worry about.
Graham, on the other end, holds on for dear life, just trying to survive.
I didn’t realize how hard life must be for him until I saw the way Mark lives.
Graham isn’t mine to worry about anymore. I have to keep reminding myself.
“Kennedy?” Mark coaxes me from my thoughts, tracing a gentle finger across my hand. “You were zoning out there for a second.” He touches my shoulder, gently massaging my strained muscles.
I glance around the room, my unshed tears fighting for release. Signs of love are everywhere my eyes fall.
“You’re just very blessed. I see why you don’t want to move away from here once school’s done. I hope you realize everyone’s not as lucky as you.”
He nods slowly, trying to understand.
The memory of Graham riddles every experience I have. Even now, in this beautiful, love filled home, all I can think is how unfair life can be. There are people with much harder situations than the rest of us. People who deserve better and should be allowed a little bit of solace from the nightmare they have to endure at the hands of the ones who are supposed to love them.
Convincing myself the best thing for me is to leave Graham in my wake hasn’t been the easiest plan to execute. From afar, I keep a watchful eye on him. If I don’t, then who will? Only a handful of people know about his life with his father. In my heart, I hold the same fears I did last year. I know there’s a possibility I could be living in a world where Graham no longer exists, and I can’t wrap my head around that.
Graham and I are no longer privy to each other. We aren’t a package deal, and slowly, it’s sinking in that he and I will never be what we thought we would become.
A smile forms on my lips as my eyes fall over Mark, even as tears sting my eyelids.
“You have a beautiful smile, Ken.” Mark sighs. “I don’t know how you managed to sneak by all of us for as long as you did, but I’m disappointed I didn’t notice you sooner.”
“You’re making this hard on me.” Sitting upright, I pull the hair tie off my wrist and throw my hair up in a messy bun. Mark takes a few of the loose strands and twists them around the mass of hair on top of my head.
A confident smirk forms on Mark’s lips. He leans forward, and for a split second, I believe he’s going to kiss me. Lips like Mark’s have the ability to make me forget, and that’s what I need right now, to forget. My eyes shut on instinct. My tongue peeks out to wet my lips in anticipation, but I don’t feel his softness budding up against mine like I expect.
My eyelids flutter open, just as Mark leans in to close the gap between our bodies. “I need to make myself clear. If I kiss you again, when I kiss you, it’ll be because you can’t take it one more second. The idea of not having me touch you will be unbearable. You’re going to get there, Kennedy, but I can’t take something that’s not mine, and you and I both know you aren’t mine yet.”
“Yet...” I whisper, in understanding.
Mark’s words cause my breath to stagger. My stomach flutters as I look at him, really see him, maybe for the first time, and I understand what he means now with his promises.
Mark has this easiness to him. He doesn’t come with complications. I’m beginning to realize that sometimes easy is more comforting than the uncertainty of your first love. Graham may be the first guy to teach me what love looks and feels like, achingly to the depths of my bones, but maybe Mark’s meant to teach me something more important.
Maybe he’s supposed to show me what it means to truly move on.
Chapter Twelve
Graham
The months pass by, and before I can blink, a chill is in the air and Christmas music plays in the stores. My time is swallowed by baseball, avoiding Mark and Kennedy, and wasting hours with Kacey.
Ever since she approached me outside of the auditorium, we’ve sort of been attached. We are something, but I will never categorize us as a real couple. I have plans to get the hell out of this town. Some underclassman holding me down isn’t in my plans.
For the last month, Mark and Kennedy have been a package deal. He always finds some subtle way to touch her. Reminding myself it’s none of my business is a true test of my restraint. Every Monday, we see each other in the batting cage, but other than that, we keep our distance.
Amanda has pointed out that I live two different lives. One is hopelessly wrapped up in Kennedy, and the other is doing everything to convince me that going back to my wicked ways is how I can prove I’m over our relationship.
Amanda has kept her distance, only showing up at the occasional party. Her clothes are less provocative and her make-up more subtle. It’s a different Amanda all together, as she keeps to herself. There’s been no talk of her in the locker room. I try to approach her, ask her what’s going on, but she’s brushed me off ever since our conversation when she put me in my place.
I’ve had to reprogram myself as I navigate our new situation. Kennedy isn’t someone I need to consume my life. She no longer holds every piece of me, making every day a little easier. Some days, I find her watching me. She checks my body to make sure I’m free of any marks. After she’s done perusing my visible skin, she looks away with a near absent smile.
What she doesn’t know is that my father
has gotten smarter. After leaving noticeable evidence of his abuse on my mom, he now strikes only where clothes will cover. Kennedy may be watching me, but she can’t see my pain when I move after being kicked in the ribcage the night before or know I’ve slept in my car more than a few times. Coach may have let me crash during the summer, but I’m too embarrassed to go there with school started.
“What are you daydreaming about, babe?” Kacey asks with a sweet smile. She breaks me out of the Kennedy-induced stupor.
My hand grabs hers on the center console of my car.
“Baseball. I’m ready for the season to start,” I fib, a forced smile on my face.
“Don’t lie to me, Graham. I know that face. I’ve seen it enough the past month to know that you’re thinking about her.” Kacey’s eyes soften.
I scratch my head, then turn toward her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kacey. Kennedy and I haven’t talked in months. She isn’t relevant.”
Her laughter fills the small space. “Graham, I love that you’re trying to pretend for me, but you don’t need to. I know what we are and I know what we aren’t. There’s no impression that we’ll ride off into the sunset together.”
I turn towards Kacey, my eyes narrowed.
She shrugs. “I like spending time with you, that’s all. When you leave after graduation, I doubt we’ll ever speak again, but until then, I just want to soak you up.”
“Because I’m Graham Black?” The insecurity is clear in my voice.
“I may appear to be a ditzy blonde, but I’m not that shallow, Graham.” She shakes her head, folds her arms over her chest, and shifts toward the window.
I scrub my hand down my face and groan. “I didn’t mean it like that. No one has been genuine with her intentions with me. Everyone always wants to be with me for my name, my reputation.”
“Not everyone,” Kacey whispers, fidgeting in the seat.
I park on the side of the dark road. Close to thirty people mill around with drinks in their hands. Their subconscious tells them to sway to the loud music.
For the last few months, people have been using Old 97 as a racetrack. The different dips and turns make it dangerous. The drivers have to pray they’re in the lead or slow down to make sure the turns don’t take both cars out at the dead end.
I turn to face the gorgeous blonde and intertwine our fingers. I find a certain comfort in Kacey. Without knowing how, she’s become my saving grace.
I know why Kacey said what she did. With good reason, Kennedy intimidates her.
“It’s you and me, okay?” I nod my head in encouragement.
“Okay,” Kacey whispers. She eyes her purse on the floor.
I lean over the center console, placing my lips against hers. The kiss is simple and gentle.
“What was that for?” Her smile grows as her lips draw from mine.
“You’re adorable,” I answer.
A soft blush dances onto her cheeks. She picks her bag off of the floor and twirls in my direction. “Are you racing tonight?”
“I’m not sure. Caleb and Dan want to race.”
I’ve never been out here, but the excitement in Kacey’s voice makes me want to get behind the wheel and take my chances. It’s reckless and I know I should live my life with caution, but I want to feel my blood pump through my veins.
I circle the car as Kacey’s long legs slide out her door. I can’t believe how gorgeous she is. It’s easy to get lost in all her beauty. Her long, dirty blonde hair and legs go on for days. I can’t keep my eyes off her.
Kacey’s hand reaches for me, and I pull her to my side.
“I think you should race,” she encourages.
“We’ll see, babe,” I whisper in her ear. My lips graze her temple.
Near the starting line, everyone turns in our direction as we approach. Most of them are used to seeing Kacey and me together. The girls had the biggest problem with her, throwing daggers whenever the chance arose. She’s strong. Even though she’s younger than the rest of our group, she can hold her own.
“Hey man,” Dan yells. His outstretched hand offers a beer.
I accept the familiar blue can. “How long have you all been out here?”
“Couple hours.” Dan looks to Kacey. “Hey, Kacey, thirsty?” He reaches into his cooler for another beer and offers it to her.
Kacey shakes her head. She’s not a drinker, which is nice for me because I always have someone to drive me. Lately, that’s been the case. There have been more parties in the last month than all summer. More than a few times, Dan has escorted me to a spare bedroom to let me sober up. Wrong as it may be, alcohol helps soften the blows of life that seem to come my way.
“Everyone out tonight?” I ask.
“Just about. Mark and Kennedy aren’t here yet. Violet’s running around here somewhere.” Dan’s eyes stay fixated on his can. He’s avoiding me.
I slap him on the shoulder. “Relax, its fine. I’m not going to shatter from just hearing her name.”
Dan glances between Kacey and me. “You really moved on then?” he asks. The sadness in his voice makes me want to laugh. Violet doesn’t call him a teddy bear for no reason.
“It’s what you do.” I turn my attention to Kacey.
Kennedy isn’t a topic that needs to be discussed in front of her.
“Let’s go find Caleb and see if there’s room for you to race,” Kacey suggests, dragging me away from him.
“You’re going to race?” Dan shouts. “Are you sure about that?”
I twist to see Dan’s raised eyebrows. His lack of faith pisses me off.
“I’ll be okay, Mom,” I joke.
I guide Kacey through the thick group of friends. Several guys shout out their hellos while the girls, noting our locked fingers, glare at Kacey with jealousy.
We find Caleb near the edge of the crowd on the hood of his sleek, shiny, midnight black Mustang. White racing stripes run down the sides. He’s our starting quarterback, large in build, and made of muscle and the type of person you want on your side when things go down, on and off the field.
Becky steps beside Caleb as he pushes off the car. Her eyes meet mine before sliding down my body. They shift to Kacey and rolls before she storms off in a huff.
Caleb watches her stalk away before turning back to me. “She’ll cool off soon. She’s still pissed about how things went down,” he answers the unasked question.
Since the morning she woke up in my sheets and I bolted, we haven’t talked. She acts as if I made her a promise, but that night wasn’t the first time we hooked up.
“I’m sure you’re helping her along with that.” I laugh.
He shakes his head. “I like her. It’s not like that,” he confesses, only loud enough for Kacey and me to hear. He bumps his fist against mine.
“I get it. There room for me to race tonight?” Kacey snuggles closer to me, and I smirk down at her.
“I wasn’t aware that you were into racing?” Caleb narrows his eyes. “If you’re down to go last, then there’s room. Dan’s competitive ass wants to race me, so we’re up first. I’m sure I can find someone willing to race that piece of junk you call a car.”
The piece of junk he refers to is a fully loaded 2015 BMW M3 Coupe with a gorgeous silver finish. She’s beautiful, sleek, and purrs when I drive her. This car is the one I’ve dreamt about, and this summer, my grandfather delivered it with a shiny red bow.
“One of these days, you’ll have to put your money where your mouth is and let me race you.” I nod towards his car.
“You might not survive your first race, and I haven’t lost once. I don’t plan to,” Caleb threatens.
“Tell me when and where to be tonight. I shouldn’t be hard to find.” I turn away from him.
“So, you get to race tonight?” Kacey jumps up and down on the balls of her feet. A cute squeal releases from her throat as she jumps into my arms. My hands rest on her ass, holding her to me. As the wind blows her hair into my face, I move
it to one side, exposing her neck. My lips gingerly graze over her skin.
An audible intake of breath catches my attention. I look up to see Kennedy a few steps away. Our eyes meet for the first time in weeks, and I have to remind myself to breathe. She looks beautiful with her brown hair braided to one side over her shoulder. I’d give anything to touch the few loose tendrils. Even in the dark night, her blue eyes shine bright with fear, lust, and hatred.
Dammit.
Kacey wiggles, a silent demand to let her down. I kiss her cheek and walk towards Dan and his ample supply of beer. I toss my empty can into the bed of his truck.
“Hand me another.” I clap my hands together.
Dan rubs the back of his neck as he watches me. “Are you sure you want to do that if you’re trying to race tonight?” He reaches into the cooler and pulls out a beer.
“What is with everyone questioning what I do? I’m capable of making decisions on my own. You don’t need to breathe down my neck.”
“Are you?” Dan’s eyes widen in challenge.
“Fuck you, Dan. I’m fine.” I snatch the can from his grasp and lift my chin.
“Keep telling yourself that.” Dan scoffs.
I disappear into the crowded darkness. Caleb is back on the hood of his car. Kacey and Becky are beside him talking. As I walk closer, Becky’s full smile stretches.
This isn’t going to be good.
“Hey, Graham. Kacey and I are getting to know each other,” Becky shouts with a sneer plastered on her face.
“I bet you are, Beck.” I lean over to whisper in Kacey’s ear. “You okay?”
“I’m okay, Graham. Don’t worry about me,” Kacey says. “I can handle snarky girls.”
I take a long pull from my beer. The amber liquid cools my throat. “I know you can.” I’m proud to stand by her side, but even so, I look around the crowd for the familiar face I’ve been forcing myself to forget.
As the night wears on, Kacey and I keep our distance from the main crowd. Almost everyone comes to stand by my car at different times. The conversation is nothing significant and lulls in comparison to the things Kacey whispers in my ear.