When Our Worlds Fall Apart

by Lindsey Iler

  “Umm...” Dan’s voice interrupts from somewhere in the room.

  Mark doesn’t seem worried about ending our kiss as his hand finds the nape of my neck, pulling me closer.

  “Dude, don’t go in there,” Dan demands.

  “Mark,” I stammer through our joined lips. “Mark.” I push on his chest to put distance between us.

  “Just another minute,” Mark insists.

  “Jesus Christ.” Graham’s familiar voice breaks through our stupor.

  “If you would’ve just listened to me,” Dan insists.

  Our lips slowly drop from each other, and I climb off Mark’s lap. I can’t look up because I know what will be waiting for me. The longer I stare at my hands, the more likely he’ll disappear.

  It works. When I build up the nerve, I glance up and Graham’s gone.

  “It’s okay.” Mark waves his hand in the air to dismiss me. “He’ll be fine.”

  I tug at my shirt and shorts. “No, it’s not and no, he won’t.” My hand rubs over my forehead.

  “I tried, guys. I’m sorry,” Dan apologizes with a shake of his head.

  Mark stands from the couch to help me up and then looks at Dan. “I’ll go have a talk with him.”

  “Do you honestly think that’s a good idea after what happened in the hallway and then what happened at the race? He’ll rip you to shreds. The guy’s at his boiling point.” Dan holds out his hand as Mark tries to walk by.

  “Wait, what happened in the hallway?” I glance between the two of them for an answer.

  “Should you tell her or... should I?” Dan responds. The reluctance in his voice makes me take a step toward Mark.

  Mark shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. It was nothing.” His finger ghosts over the small scar on his face.

  “He hit you, didn’t he? That’s where the cut came from.” I roll my eyes. “What is with you boys and fighting?”

  I walk to the steps, but Dan latches onto my arm.

  “I know it’s not going to be easy, baby girl, but you have to cut him loose if you two are going to do whatever it is that you two are...,” his finger ghosts between Mark and me, “are doing.”

  “We’ll just talk tomorrow, okay?” I address Mark.

  Mark nods in answer.

  “Try not to kill each other tonight, boys!” I wave over my shoulder and leave the room.

  I grab my coat from the kitchen and walk out to the front porch. Graham glides back and forth on the porch swing. It’s dark, but the light from the window outlines his body.

  “Can we talk?” I whisper, fearful of what’s to come from this.

  “You can always talk to me, Ken,” Graham answers. He pats the seat next to him. As I approach, he halts the movement to allow me to sit down. Several minutes pass in silence.

  “Why’d you hit Mark?” I question.

  “You were there. You know I didn’t hit him back.”

  “Not the night of the race, but in the hallway. You hit him, so explain to me why.”

  “Mark might have insinuated that what I felt for you wasn’t real and that I used you like I used all the other girls. He called you an opportunity for me to redeem myself.”

  “We both know it’s not true. Don’t go around punching people. You’re better than that.”

  “Can I ask you something?” he asks. “Are you happy?”

  “Am I happy?” I repeat his question. My mind turns into a Rolodex of images. Moments between us, the good, the bad, the everything that came along with Graham colliding into my world.

  Graham groans. “Please answer.” He leans forward, his face hidden from my view, but the desperation is clear in his low voice.

  “Honestly, I’m getting there.”

  “Does Mark have a part in the getting there?” Graham jumps off the swing.

  “Graham.” I reach for his hand. Just as our skin grazes, he pulls away from me.

  “Just answer, Ken,” he begs.

  “You aren’t going to like what I say.” I stand to block Graham’s pacing.

  “You’ve done worse.” His fist slams down on the railing, not hard, but enough to get his anger out.

  “No, I haven’t,” I protest. “You should let everyone see the sweet side of you, the one I met last year. He’s sort of spectacular.” I poke a finger in Graham’s chest. “You’re worthy of being amongst the good guys. You shouldn’t try to hide him. He’s the one who made me fall in love for the first time.”

  “He’s also the one that broke you.”

  “You didn’t break me. I’m stronger than ever. You just didn’t stick around to watch me get here.” I lean against the railing.

  “And he did?” Graham questions.

  “No, he didn’t. I did it on my own. Every day, I was alone because of you. You never fought for me, Graham.”

  I spin away, but he’s quick to swing me back and pull me in close to him. My body senses our familiarity, and I melt into his arms.

  “What if I made a mistake? What if we’re meant to be together?” Graham pleads. He pulls at strings, desperate to hold on.

  “That’s the problem, Graham. You don’t get to decide that anymore,” I explain with strength in every word. I need to stand up for myself, hold my ground, even when it breaks my heart to see him as he is now.

  “That’s it, then? We’re done?”

  I’d do anything to erase the hopelessness in his eyes.

  “You made the decision for me.” Tears stream down my face with the finality of it all. I turn my back on him, taking special care to walk down the steps.

  “I’ll always love you,” Graham whispers into the dark.

  Words can’t escape my lips. I desperately want to shout out I’ll always love him, too, but I need to cut him loose as he has me. Instead, I open my car door and drive to the only place I’ll find comfort.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Graham

  Dan’s front door swings open. Bodies pack his house like sardines. Word must’ve gotten out about his Annual New Year’s Eve Bash. He’s been throwing this party since we were in seventh grade. Back then, the punch wasn’t spiked with vodka, and the furthest any of us got with a girl was first base during a game of spin the bottle.

  Kacey scans the room, looking for a familiar face, but comes up empty. “Who are all these people?” she asks.

  I shrug. Her hand finds mine as I walk through the congested crowd. “Keep your eyes peeled for Violet’s hair. She’ll stand out like a sore thumb in this place,” I shout over the music.

  Hand in hand, we walk through Dan’s house. By the time we circle around to the kitchen without finding Dan, Kacey pulls my arm to grab my attention.

  “Kennedy and Mark are over there.” Kacey points her chin to the back corner of the dining room. “Let’s go say hi.” She tugs me in their direction and I groan in frustration.

  Kacey has an unspoken competition going on in her head with Kennedy. No matter how many times I explain the situation, she believes Kennedy and I have something going on beneath the surface.

  Mark greets us with a passive head nod, his arm wrapped around Kennedy’s waist as she leans into him.

  Goddamn, that still hurts.

  I look around the crowded room to train my eyes on anything other than the two of them. “Who are all these people?” I ask, in hopes of stopping any awkwardness between us.

  “You know Dan. He can’t say no to people.” Kennedy gestures to the packed space, making us all laugh.

  Kennedy and I haven’t seen each other since the night on Mark’s porch. It destroyed me to watch her walk away and I know she heard my last confession. Her shoulders tightened the second the words left my mouth. What’s important is I meant them, but none of that matters because she’s right. I have given her no reason to stay and she’s on her way to happiness.

  “I love your shirt, Kennedy,” Kacey states in a snarky tone. Her attempt at getting a rise out of Kennedy is admirable. Much as Amanda used to do, she hangs on my
arm.

  Kennedy's eyes narrow in on her. She tries to figure out what she should say, and in typical class act fashion, she’s nothing but polite.

  “Thank you. I stole it from Violet.” Kennedy smiles. Her friendliness makes Kacey angry.

  I rub my neck. “We’re just going to go look for Dan.” My hand reaches for Kacey’s.

  “Hey man, you guys don’t have to go,” Mark calls.

  I turn back to face them. Kennedy’s anxious eyes lock on me while Mark silently screams at me not to take him up on his offer. He’s kept his distance, which is what’s best for us. We will never see eye to eye if Kennedy is between us.

  “Yeah, we do.” I nod and avoid the urge to look back at Kennedy.

  “Graham...” Kennedy shouts over the music. Kacey and I are almost in the hallway when I hear her.

  My body naturally turns in her direction. “It’s all right, Kennedy. I know where I belong, and I know where I don’t. Go back to him. I’m okay.”

  I shake my head in disbelief, still struggling to comprehend our situation.

  Kennedy half-heartedly smiles. “Have fun, okay?”

  “You, too,” I answer. Kacey stands just feet away. Her eyes scan between Kennedy and me, and then back to Mark. “Let’s go, Kace,” I demand as I jerk on her hand.

  She pulls free to stand her ground. “What the hell was that all about?” Kacey demands.

  “It was nothing,” I lie through a forced smile.

  Kacey points back at Kennedy. “That was not nothing.”

  “Just drop it, Kace,” I shout. A group close by stops what they’re doing when they hear me.

  Kacey rolls her eyes. “You two are a mess.”

  I turn to walk away from her, but stop just before I’m out of earshot. “I need a drink. Do you want something?” I ask.

  “No,” Kacey snaps. “Jessica’s here. I’m gonna go say hi.” Without another word, she walks away.

  “What are you doing?” Dan calls over my shoulder.

  I turn to face him and glide my hand down my face before looking up at my best friend. “I don’t have a fucking clue, man,” I admit.

  Dan slaps me on the shoulder and then heads towards the kitchen. “I’ve got a shot with your name on it. You look like you could use a pick-me-up.” Dan smiles back at me as I follow him.

  I pull out the stool, scanning the room as I take a seat across from him. Groups of smiling, carefree people crowd around us.

  “I don’t think my pick-me-up will be found in that bottle of tequila.” I nod towards the glass bottle in his hand.

  “No, I suppose you’re right, but it won’t hurt to try.” Dan slides the amber liquid across the island towards me. I bring the shot glass up and clank it against his.

  “Cheers,” we say together, and then swallow the liquid. Dan sets us up again and we repeat the sequence.

  “I’m not taking care of this mess if you’re too drunk,” Violet commands with a slap to the back of Dan’s head. She circles the island and wraps her arms around my waist. “Hey, gorgeous, how are you holding up?”

  My eyes widen at her concern. “I thought you hated me?” Another shot appears in front of me, and I invite the liquid down my throat.

  “Don’t give me that look. Just because she’s my best friend doesn’t mean I don’t care about you too, okay? That’s the beauty of your chosen family. I’m allowed to hate you and love you at the same time,” Violet confesses. Her green eyes shine at me, taking my face in.

  I wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her close. “So, you do care about me?” I joke.

  Violet slaps the back of my head just as she did Dan’s. “Don’t make me regret it, Graham Black.” She goes to stand next to Dan and an argument ensues over how drunk he’s getting.

  “I better go find Kacey,” I announce over my shoulder as I abandon the stool. I’m halfway down the hall when a small hand touches my shoulder. Violet’s eyes bore into me when I twirl around.

  “You’re still with Kacey?” Violet questions. She looks aggressive with her hands on her hips.

  “That’s none of your business, but yes, we came here together,” I hiss. I turn to continue my search for the cute blonde who loves to distract me. I don’t need Violet’s crap tonight.

  Violet’s small hand pinches my shoulder and I turn back to face her again. “Let me get this straight. Just a week ago, you begged Kennedy to forgive you and told her you made a mistake. And still, you string Kacey along? She follows you around like a sad puppy, just hoping for scraps. She knows and we all know that no one will ever hold a torch to Kennedy. Put that poor girl out of her misery. It’s not fair to her.”

  “Like I said, it’s none of your business.” I say in a calm voice.

  As I walk away again, Violet curses under her breath. She catches back up to me and blocks my exit. “Do you know why it’s my business, Graham?”

  My hands come up to fend her off. “Jesus, just let it go, Vi.”

  “It’s my business because one day you’re going to wake up and realize you fucked up, and I don’t want to watch Kennedy’s world fall apart again. She’s trying to move on, but for some reason, you’re her kryptonite. You have the capacity to destroy her,” Violet pleads.

  “I’m not coming back for her. She’s moved on, and she’s happy. Look at her.” I point to where she stands with Mark. The smile on her lips is contagious. “I can’t take that away from her.” My own smile grows.

  “You still love her,” Violet whispers as if she’s cracked the code. “God, you still love her. I never understood how you could’ve done what you did last year until now. You fucking love her and that’s why you’re allowing her to be happy.”

  The lump in my throat grows. “I just never expected it to be with my best friend.”

  Tears collect in the corners of her eyes. “Kennedy always told me she saw something different in you. I never understood what she was talking about until now. It’s right there in your eyes.” Violet points at my face.

  “I’m who I’ve always been, Violet. I was only different because of her.” I walk away, not bothering to look back this time.

  Kacey is in the corner talking with Jessica. As I approach, Jessica scurries off.

  I need to set some boundaries with Kacey. I’ve always known it, but hearing Violet’s outside perspective brought it home for me.

  “We need to talk.” I wrap my hand around her wrist and pull her to an empty space on the wall. No one is close by to overhear what I need to say.

  “I like you. I like spending time with you, but like I said before,” I pause, “I’m leaving soon, and once I’m gone, that will be it.”

  She leans in close to whisper in my ear. “I like you, too.”

  I think the only part she’s heard is when I say I like her, but I let it go. The room falls silent, and then everyone begins to count down from ten.

  It’s almost midnight.

  Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

  “Happy New Year,” everyone shouts. Noisemakers are blown. Confetti flutters in the air. Hoots and hollers come from all corners of Dan’s house.

  Kacey jumps into my arms and plants a quick kiss on my lips. I pull back and put some distance between us. As I hold her, I look over her shoulder in search. Kennedy’s eyes catch mine, and neither of us drops our stare. Mark’s arms around her waist nearly mirror mine on Kacey. I glance away first, not able to see the emotions in her eyes any longer. The vastness of them is never ending and capable of drawing others in. If I look at her for too long, I’ll rethink every choice that led me to this point, and that won’t do any of us any good.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” I whisper in Kacey’s ear.

  “Don’t you want to say bye to your friends?” Kacey jerks on my arm to halt my hasty exit.

  I shake my head. “I’ll see them Monday.”

  We turn into my driveway a little after midnight. All the lights throughout the house are off.

>   Kacey unbuckles and bounces out of my car. “No one’s home?” A mischievous look dances in her eyes. I know that look.

  “My parents are at a benefit, more than likely spending the night in Nashville, so you can stay if you’d like,” I offer. “We can watch a movie or something.”

  Kacey follows me into the house. I disarm the alarm as soon as we step into the foyer, then reset the state of the art set up.

  “Hungry?” I ask, pointing towards the kitchen.

  Kacey rubs her eyes. “No, I’m actually exhausted.”

  “We can watch a movie up in my room,” I suggest as I walk upstairs.

  Kacey hums in satisfaction and jumps onto my bed, throwing her coat on the ground.

  I grab a change of clothes for her. “Here are some gym shorts and a t-shirt,” I say as I twist to face her.

  “I don’t need them.”

  It takes a second for my eyes to catch up to my brain. When they finally sync, Kacey’s kneeling on my bed in her black bra and matching lace underwear. I spin around, throwing the clothes over my shoulder. I clench my eyelids shut and pray they land over her head and around her waist.

  “Kacey, we aren’t going to sleep together,” I bark, twirling back around to see her still nearly naked. “Put those on, now.” I pace in front of her, trying not to look over at her.

  Kacey gets off the bed and stands behind me. Her bare arms wrap around my waist. Her tits bump against my back. “Hilarious, Graham.” Kacey laughs.

  I turn to face her. Her blonde hair cascades over her shoulders, covering the top of her cleavage. I’d be lying if I said my pants didn’t jump at the sight. “Put your clothes back on. Kacey, nothing’s going to happen,” I protest again. I walk around her to put distance between us. That’s the best bet to get out of here without slipping inside of her. The old Graham wouldn’t have thought twice.

  Kacey stomps around my room. “You’ll sleep with anything under the sun, but me.” The hurt is evident in her voice. She thinks we’re more than what we are.

  “I’m not sleeping with you because I respect you. I can’t take your virginity,” I profess with a softness. I may not see a future with Kacey, but I still have a soft spot for her.