by Rosie Lewis
Mum was still staring at me belligerently. No surprise there, but what did amaze me was Phoebe’s reaction to the whole exchange. Her eyes were filled with amusement as she stared at both of us and then, to my surprise, she began laughing.
We stayed another hour before travelling the short journey home. As I drove, I churned Phoebe’s reaction over in my mind. I had thought that autism affected a person’s ability to appreciate humour since sufferers generally took everything anyone said in the literal sense, but if that were the case, Phoebe would surely have been horrified by Mum’s ‘threat’ to wash her mouth out with soap?
It was yet another anomaly to puzzle over.
When we got home Emily invited Phoebe to sit at the table and do some colouring, freeing me to prepare lunch. I was amazed by my daughter’s fortitude – Phoebe had aggravated both of my children since first light so it was a credit to Emily’s levels of tolerance that she was even prepared to share the same floor space – but I asked Phoebe to go and sit at the top of the stairs for five minutes instead, as penance for winding Jamie up in the car by repeating everything he had said.
As we sat down to eat he was subdued. I couldn’t help but smile to myself as he slipped past a sullen Phoebe, taking a seat at the opposite end of the table. He glanced sideways to make sure she was at a safe distance, wary of getting a wet finger rammed into his ear again.
‘I hate the way you make porridge,’ Phoebe said as she swept her bowl away, arching back in her chair. Her ribs were visible through her T-shirt. ‘I’m not going to eat it.’
Extremely jittery, I got the feeling it was an effort for her to sit at the table, like she wanted to spring up and spin around the house.
‘That’s a shame,’ I said, non-committal, determined not to be drawn into a battle.
‘That’s a shame.’
There was a pause. Nonchalantly, I took a bite of my sandwich.
‘I mean it. I’m not even going to taste it.’
‘Yes, I heard you, Phoebe. Now, let’s decide what to do tomorrow. We could go ice-skating or maybe hire some bikes and go for a ride.’
‘I’ve got to revise, Mum.’ Emily was studying for her GCSEs and so it would be good for her to have the house to herself for a whole day.
Jamie shrugged his shoulders, eyeing Phoebe. A keen sportsman, he usually jumped at the opportunity of an action-packed day out. I guessed that his reticence was probably fuelled by the idea of another disastrous car ride with our new interloper.
Furious that I was showing no interest in her hunger strike, Phoebe glared at me, drumming her fingers on the table. Writhing in her seat, she stirred her porridge round and round, then spun both hands around, hurling porridge through the air. It was then that I decided to stop pandering to her autism and treat her just as I would any other child.
‘Stop that right now,’ I insisted, wondering whether she was so manic because seeing her parents had made her feel extra homesick. Whatever the reason, I knew that being lenient wasn’t going to help.
‘Stop that right now.’ A glimmer in her eyes told me she understood exactly how infuriating her parroting behaviour was. I knew she couldn’t help it – her autism controlled her, not the other way around – but I couldn’t help but feel she was enjoying the effects of it too. Observing contact between Phoebe and her parents had been a telling experience. It was clear that she was allowed to rule the roost at home, with few boundaries in place. Watching her spinning her arms around, I realised that she was also dominating all of us too. I made a mental note to record the interactions with her parents in my daily diary. Regular records might help to paint an overall picture of their relationship.
‘Phoebe, if you don’t stop what you’re doing, I will have to make you stop.’
All at once Phoebe picked up her porridge, throwing it across the table with a screech of delight. The edge of the bowl caught Jamie on the chest, the contents spattering all over the table and into his lap. With a loud crash, the china met the floor, cracking into several jagged pieces. Jamie clapped his hands to his chest, his face reddening with alarm.
‘Can I eat in my room, Mum?’
My heart went out to him but I didn’t want him to sit in his room when he had done nothing wrong. ‘No, Jamie, you stay where you are.’ Grabbing a tea towel, I mopped up around him, determined not to let Phoebe sabotage our time together as a family. Tempted to yell at her, I held my breath, counting backwards from 10 to one. The urge subdued, I spoke with calm firmness, ‘Phoebe, I have asked you not to throw things. It’s dangerous and could hurt someone very badly. I’d like you to leave the table, please.’
With a look of delight, Phoebe scooted off to the sofa, where she sat with her legs clasped to her chest, rocking manically back and forth. Jamie’s shoulders visibly dropped and he picked up his fork, tucking into his lunch with relief. Annoyed that Phoebe had achieved what she’d wanted but determined not to spoil the rest of our meal, I chattered about where we should visit over the next few days, the weather – anything to try and lift the gloom Phoebe had left in her wake.
‘So,’ I said cheerfully, ‘what’s on the menu for this evening, Ems?’ Once a week Emily cooked an evening meal for the family and really went to town, setting the table with candles, embroidered placemats and napkins.
Emily opened her mouth to speak but Jamie butted in. ‘I wouldn’t mind having dinner on my lap again,’ he said drily, raising his eyebrows and staring down at his porridge-splattered trousers.
Emily roared with laughter. I chuckled, burying my head in my hands. It was the first spontaneous laugh the three of us had shared since her arrival. The morose atmosphere lightened in an instant. Thank goodness for a sense of humour, I thought.
Emily offered to wash up while I cleared the table. I was about to make a pile of the plates when I heard Emily gasp. Expecting to find Phoebe nibbling the remote, I spun around, shocked to see her half-inclined on the sofa, legs spread wide, with her jeans hanging at her ankles. With a look of frenzy on her face, she was panting and holding her knickers aside, trying to manoeuvre a pen inside the elastic. She looked like a young actress in a horror movie, the whites of her eyes on full display again. Emily was rooted to the spot, staring at the scene with her mouth gaping.
‘Upstairs now!’ I snapped at Jamie. I wasn’t sure if he’d seen what I had but I was praying his view had been blocked. His eyes filled with tears. Throwing back his chair, he gave me a wounded look and headed for the stairs.
‘Phoebe, don’t be so gross,’ Emily said, mortified.
Putting a finger to my lips, I signalled for Emily to be quiet. One of the challenges of being a foster carer was learning to deal with shocking or taboo issues in a balanced, rational way. I still find it hugely shocking to witness a young child behaving in a sexualised way but I knew from experience that it would be wrong to express our disgust, possibly exacerbating the child’s long-term psychological problems.
‘Phoebe, don’t be so gross.’ I was grateful to see her sit up, a strange smirk on her face.
‘Emily, would you go up to Jamie? Phoebe, if you want to touch yourself, you need to go to your room and do it in private. But you mustn’t ever use a pen to do it, or anything else. You could really hurt yourself.’ I felt my cheeks flushing as I spoke. ‘I don’t want to see you doing that ever again, do you understand me?’
Expecting to be mimicked, I was surprised when she gave me a look of bemusement.
‘Why not?’ she asked, simply.
How could I explain such a taboo subject to a child with obvious learning difficulties? Her blank expression told me that she wasn’t remotely fazed by what she had done, or the effect it had on everyone around her. She literally had no idea that there was anything offensive or unusual about her behaviour.
‘No one wants to see you do that and I don’t want you to hurt yourself.’ It makes me feel sick to my stomach, I wanted to tell her but decided it would be wise to delay any further discussion until I had given the
situation more thought. Instead I said, ‘Now, would you like to watch television?’
There was no plateau, when caring for Phoebe. At the end of an exhausting day when all I wanted to do was get through the mission of dinner, bath and bed so that I could enter a ‘nothingness’ zone, Phoebe would crank things up a level. That evening I sat beside her in the upstairs hallway, reading the next chapter of The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me, sincerely hoping that she had reached a ceiling and there would be no more shocks in store.
Every now and again Phoebe leaned sideways to examine the pictures, her head brushing my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if it was her way of asking for affection but I took the opportunity anyway, reaching out to stroke her head. She jerked away.
‘Don’t do that – I hate you.’
Reading bedtime stories was often the highlight of my day as a foster carer. With many of my placements, I was the first person ever to have read to the child before they went to sleep. It’s funny how quickly children embrace story time as part of a regular routine to help them unwind. Usually I enjoyed it as much as they did, particularly as it marked the end of my working day.
Story time with Phoebe was a whole different experience. Before I had finished one sentence she started repeating me so that by the end of the last page my head was throbbing and my patience running thin.
‘Again!’ she shouted, as I snapped the book shut. I was amazed she had enjoyed it but my nerves were by then so frayed that I couldn’t face another chapter.
‘Not tonight – bedtime now but we’ll read again in the morning if you’d like, as long as you don’t say anything unkind. If you do, I’ll stop reading straight away, OK?’
She looked at me quizzically but didn’t answer. Could she even remember saying she hated me? I told her to change into her pyjamas and left her to get undressed, hoping she would digest what I’d said. After a few moments I leaned my head around the door.
‘Goodnight, Phoebe.’
‘Goodnight, Phoebe.’
Emily and Jamie were on the sofa when I returned to the living room and flopped between them with a loud sigh. ‘Fancy a game of rummy?’ I asked. Jamie nodded, fishing out his pack of cards from the magazine rack. After a full day with Phoebe it was the last thing I wanted to do, but a bit of individual time with the children usually worked wonders, relieving the tension that flowed between us in the early days of a placement.
Jamie sat opposite, shuffling the cards.
‘She’s so weird,’ he said bluntly.
‘Shush, Jamie. Keep your voice down.’ I knew that children in care seemed to have an eerie bat-like ability to hear through walls, a response to being kept in the dark about so many issues concerning them. ‘We don’t want to hurt her feelings.’
He looked chastened, drawing invisible patterns on the joker at the top of the pack. ‘Sorry, but I don’t think she has any feelings. She’s not very nice – I thought she was supposed to be warm and friendly?’
‘Mmm, bit of a stretch of the imagination, I must admit. But maybe that’s because we don’t understand her yet.’ I looked at Emily. ‘What do you think, Em?’
My daughter gave me a sidelong glance. ‘What she did to my butterflies wasn’t too friendly,’ she jibed, grinning.
‘And chucking plates isn’t that warm,’ Jamie cut in, his eyes twinkling with humour.
I laughed out loud, throwing my arms around both of them and planting kisses on their heads. ‘You’re wonderful, both of you, do you know that?’
When my two went off to bed I settled myself in front of the computer, cradling a cup of hot tea in my hands. Sipping at my drink, I thought for a moment, then typed ‘autism’, ‘masturbation’, ‘young girls’ into Google’s search box. I was about to click the SEARCH button when the colour drained from my face as I realised what sort of results might come back. Half-choking on my tea I fumbled for the backspace button, hurriedly deleting all trace of what I’d written. Safely faced with a blank screen again I slumped back in the chair, filled with relief.
Whatever was I thinking? Drawing my hands down my face, I cursed my own stupidity. I had known a few foster carers whose electronic equipment had been confiscated as a result of allegations made. Phones, laptops and PCs were then analysed by police officers, searching for inappropriate content. Frustrated, I realised I would have to conduct research in the old-fashioned way and visit the library.
Savouring the warmth from the cup as it seeped into my fingers, I allowed my thoughts to drift. Toying with the mouse and watching the cursor dance around the screen, I decided to take a different approach and entered ‘symptoms of autism’ into the search engine, opting for the NHS choice at the top of the page. It was as though the author of the webpage had spent a day analysing Phoebe and listing his conclusions: unable to reciprocate in relationships, dislike of others, struggling with friendships, difficulty understanding personal space and recognising other people’s feelings, refusing overtures of affection, repeating words or phrases over and over, strange facial or body movements such as spinning or flapping hands, unusual sleeping or eating habits.
But there was no mention of sexualised behaviour.
Before logging off I sent Lenke an email with a copy of my daily log, detailing the ‘pen’ incident. Any disturbing conduct needed to be carefully recorded and I hoped that by reporting it, I could purge the image from my mind.
But it wasn’t going to be that simple.
I tossed and turned in bed, worrying about the implications of Phoebe’s self-abuse and wondering whether to try and discuss it with her, or if the matter was best ignored. I felt sad that a child would treat their own body in such a degrading way, though it seemed that Phoebe had no understanding of what she was actually doing. She might not, I thought, but my own children did. Could it possibly be reasonable to expose an 11-year-old boy to the kind of behaviour Phoebe had exhibited? And what effect might it have on his developing mind?
I pulled the duvet up around my chin but still I couldn’t get comfortable, feeling stifled instead of cocooned. When I registered as a foster carer, I had resolved never to reject a child when the going got tough. If I asked for Phoebe to be moved on, I would be letting myself down, as well as her. What effect might outright rejection have on her? I wondered. But, on the other hand, my first responsibility had to be for Emily and Jamie.
Over the years they had witnessed children struggling with all sorts of issues, responding with patience and kindness. I knew they would probably never ask for Phoebe to leave; they were too sympathetic to her plight to do that. But having to live with a child with such severe problems – my sleep-deprived brain worried that was a bit too much to expect them to cope with.
As dawn approached, I decided I had no choice but to do something about it.
Chapter 8
It was with a heavy heart that I came downstairs the next morning, Phoebe following closely behind. She was unusually reserved, as if she could sense my plans to end the placement. Jamie was already in the kitchen, hair dishevelled, spilt cereal grains and pools of milk all over the worktop where he’d prepared his own breakfast. ‘Hi, Mum,’ he chirped mid-chew, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. ‘Morning, Phoebe,’ he added as an afterthought.
‘Morning, Jamie.’
We both stared at her, mouths agape. Jamie eyed me warily as he bent to tie the laces of his trainers, confused by her ‘normal’ response. She seemed oblivious to our surprise, absently studying the side panel of Jamie’s discarded cereal box.
‘I’m going to practise on my skateboard, Mum,’ Jamie told me, still watching Phoebe suspiciously.
‘OK.’
Perhaps sensing the dip in my spirits, he straightened, stretching an arm around my shoulder. ‘Alright, Mum?’
‘Course I am.’ I squeezed him for a bit longer than usual and he drew back, studying me closely.
‘Sure?’
Briskly, I brushed some toast crumbs from his top. ‘Of course – go on, off you go.’
‘Can I come and watch you, Jamie?’ Phoebe asked sweetly.
‘S’pose so,’ he answered hesitantly. He seemed as baffled by her metamorphosis as I was. I wondered what could possibly have evoked such a puzzling transformation. Last night she had put on a shockingly disturbed display and yet today she seemed no different to any other eight-year-old. That was the puzzling thing about Phoebe; there seemed to be no clear pattern to her behaviour and no discernible triggers. It was almost as if she had the power to switch to autistic mode when the mood suited.
Phoebe skipped past him and slipped her shoes on. Jamie frowned as he followed her into the garden, shaking his head.
Jamie’s bewilderment was almost comical but did nothing to lift my mood as I reached for the telephone and dialled Desmond’s mobile. Waiting for the call to connect I drew a deep breath, wondering how he would react when I told him that the placement wasn’t working out. Giving up on a child went against the grain and I felt awful about it but I had to consider the needs of Emily and Jamie, as well as Phoebe’s own welfare.
I sighed with relief when the call switched to a recorded message, allowing me a short reprieve before I disgraced myself. In guilty, lowered tones I left my message: ‘Hi, Des, we need to talk. Could you call me?’ Giving up on a placement was generally frowned on by social workers and I had never done it before.
After making a cup of coffee I sat at the dining table, watching my phone as if it was an unexploded bomb. A warm breeze floated through a gap in the patio doors, the clear blue sky promising a nice day ahead. Staring into the garden, I knew I should make some plans to take the children somewhere, but part of me was reluctant to venture out for fear of alarming the locals again.
Anyway, Jamie seemed to be enjoying himself. He sped along the garden path with characteristic boundless energy, apparently unscathed by what he had witnessed the previous day. A slight movement from behind him caught my attention. Nestled between trellis borders on our decking area at the bottom of the garden, Phoebe sat on the patio swing, her forlorn figure framed by the purple wisteria that had wound itself around the frame. My guilt resurfaced with a vengeance as I watched her rocking gently back and forth, one thin leg dangling, the other tucked beneath her slight body. If only I could help her without risking the sanity of my own children, I thought.