by Mychea
He sat on the floor beside me and wrapped me in a hug.
“Mocha, I promise that I will never let anything bad happen to you. We are in this together, you and I. I won’t leave you hanging. You will be my number one girl who is carrying my baby. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“I have to tell my parents, you have to tell your parents. You are a football player that already has colleges looking at you. How are you going to go away to college and play football with a baby? I had plans too you know, and they were not to follow you around. I barely even know you, which makes this that much worse. I can’t believe that we were so stupid.”
I started crying all over again. I know I must have looked a pathetic mess to him, but you know what screw him; he should have just let me walk home that day and left me alone. Then this would never have happened.
I immediately felt bad about that thought. He did not force me to get into his truck; I did that on my own accord. But, I need to blame someone and I would prefer it to be Kaden, rather than myself.
He finally stood up and said, “Ok, you need to pull yourself together. Crying is not going to change the situation. We still need to tell our parents and get our lives in some type of order.”
Even though I agreed with him, deep down I just want to be a 16-year-old kid, not a mother. Oh how things changed. I look down at my flat belly and it finally dawned on me. I really am going to be someone’s mother. I had a little life inside me. That is just so amazing and instantly I realized how selfish I was being. I wanted my baby, who cares what people think. I will just plan my life accordingly to include this new little surprise. Okay, well here’s to the first day of the rest of my life I say to myself as we went to tell my parents.
I cannot stand this motherfucker I think again
I glance at the alarm clock as it continues to buzz. It is 7:30 in the morning. I want to close my eyes and float back into oblivion. That however is a luxury that I cannot afford because my oh so wonderful husband has not even moved, as if he does not hear the chaos going on all around us.
As I am shutting off the alarm clock and placing my feet on the floor, the bedroom door flies open and enters our 10-year-old daughter Namiyah, with her two-year-old brother Kalani chasing behind her.
She is such a pretty little thing and I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter. With her dad’s green eyes, and long black wavy hair, she looks just like him all the way down to his lop-sided smile. She is going to be such a beautiful woman some day, but right now, she looks angry, huffing and puffing at my bedroom door. I I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to lash into one of her infamous tirades.
“Mother, I have had enough! Kalani keeps jumping on me and won’t quit, we don’t have any milk to eat cereal and I’m going to be late for school again because you’re not ready yet.” She manages to huff out.
I chuckle quietly to myself. Namiyah never lets me down. She is so spirited for such a young girl. She reminds me so much of myself at that age. I try hard to contain my laughter because she wants to be taken so seriously, always trying to be older than her tender years.
“I’m sorry muffin. Mommy is running a little behind schedule. Why don’t you wake up your dad and ask him to fix you some eggs and toast while I get Kalani and myself ready to go. Kalani, come give Mommy some good morning kisses,” I say as he comes running up to me. “Mommy missed her little pookems all night.”
“Mom, that is not fair! You know Daddy is not going to wake up and make eggs and toast. That’s okay, I won’t eat breakfast! I’ll just starve!” She yells as she stomps to her room and closes her door. I roll my eyes up to the ceiling and pray for God to give me strength. She is so damn dramatic. As long as she did not slam the door, I am fine. Slamming doors in my house is a definite no-no, and a sure fire way to get an ass whipping in the morning. I just shake my head, pick up Kalani, and look over at my husband. Lazy bastard.
“Uh Kaden, would you mind getting up and helping please? Do you not hear all the chaos that is going on around this house? I need help.” I plead.
He begins to stir a little and finally turns and looks at me with those mesmerizing, green eyes. I swear sometimes I look into those eyes and melt They make me forget the past and all the things that have gone wrong between us, and remember my teenage years when he was a better person and really loved me.
“What can you possibly need help with? You can’t manage two kids in the morning by yourself? That’s the least you could do while I try to sort out my football career and get back on my feet.” He says to me.
“What do you mean what can I possibly need help with? I want you to join the land of the living. Your football career is over and done, it is going on two years now. You need to find a back-up career. Be a commentator, do something in the field since you love it so much, go back and use your communication degree. I don’t know, but do something! Most importantly, help me with our children. Namiyah is in the other room hungry and late for school, Kalani needs a bath, and I have to get ready for work. How can you ask me what can I possibly need help with?”
I look at him in disgust, worst mistake of my life, marrying this man. Yeah, I loved him once upon a time, when he was goal-oriented, had plans, was a doting father and made time for me. He never used to talk to me the way he does now; he never would have dreamed of talking to me that way. Kaden used to call me Mocha and his little honey-coated Pocahontas.
We have been together since I was 16, but we have been married for only nine years. Nine long, exhausting years, and I want out. I have been through everything with this man. It all started with the teenage pregnancy that produced a wonderful daughter. It was hard for a long time, but I would never trade her for the world; she is one of the two most important people in my life. She is my angel and I love her so much. But this man has taken me through some things. In college he told me he cheated on me once, he chalked it up to a drunken night, and said it was a mistake and that it would never happen again. I was young and in love, I forgave him. What did I know?
The marriage, though we had our struggles, was not all bad. It did not take a real turn for the worse until he was drafted into the NFL. After that, life just became a whirlwind. We had to up and move, I became a celebrity wife, I did not know what that was, but all of a sudden, there were people everywhere. We had no more privacy, and if you think getting pregnant and married at a young age is rough, try being a young mother and married to an NFL superstar. You are constantly in the public eye.
Then there are the women, women everywhere. Women on your doorstep, women calling in the middle of the night, women following your man around clubs and bars. It gets ridiculous.
The worst feeling that you could imagine is seeing on the news or one of those stupid tabloids that your man is cheating on you. Piece of advice to my fellow pro athlete wives there is always a half truth to those things. I do not care what your man's version of the story is. The only way it is a fabricated story is if, in fact, he actually was not there, which we all know is rare.
So there I was one day standing in line buying groceries. I was looking at an Ebony magazine, the one with Halle Berry on the cover, and I went to return the magazine back to the rack, and I see a blaring headline catches my eye. “NFL Quarterback Caught Red-Handed in Affair!” The caption underneath read, “That sure doesn’t look like his wife.” Then there was a photo of me next to the photo of him kissing a famous actress. You know, the young one with the long hair that plays in all of the Black movies.
I was so embarrassed when the woman standing in line next to me said, “Wow you sure do look like his wife, aren’t you glad you’re not her?”
I just burst into tears, got out of line, left all of my groceries, and sat in my car. All I could think was how could he? What had I done wrong? Turns out, I did nothing wrong. I was a real life example of what goes on behind the scenes in the athletic world. While they are on the road, the wives are home taking care of their house and children.
My life has never been quite the same since that moment. He tried to explain, but who really cares what they say anyway? All they are going to do is tell you a whole bunch of bull you do not want to hear, or lie straight to your face, which is even worse.
Therefore, you know what the wives of athletes learn to do? Ignore it, we chalk it up to being a part of their world, I mean they bring in the big bucks, so it’s our job to be grateful right? So many of us do this to ourselves, lose our identity, and become a shadow with no purpose of existence.
I myself am a victim, until about three years ago when I got smart. I began working full time and became an event coordinator. I learned to depend on me, which is good, but I learned a little too late. Around this time is when I found out I was pregnant with Kalani. While a baby is always a blessing, what threw me over the edge was when I knew my marriage was doomed to fail. My husband, that son of a bitch, had the nerve to give me chlamydia! I was excited about the pregnancy, even though it was a tough time in my marriage, but I still had that young-girl mentality - thinking the baby would make it right. Wrong! My husband gave me a venereal disease, which means he had been cheating on me again - even after counseling and pleading to make it work. I was so mad I saw red. That was just the final straw. He has not touched me since then, and considering Kalani is two, it has been almost three years since I have had relations with my husband. Three years! We have a marriage in name only. I get so horny sometimes I want to scream, but once you do not trust someone, that is it. I refuse to risk him giving me anything worse, my children are too important to me and I have had enough! Today is the day he has worn me thin for the last time.
If I am going to be a single parent, I may as well be a single parent without the marriage. I have stayed so my children with have both parents together, but I cannot do this anymore it’s time for me to go. I cannot take this.
“Naima, why can’t you ever support me instead of bitch at me all the time?” he asks.
“Kaden I’ve done nothing but support you for almost half my life, you need to do better, I can’t do this anymore,” I told him exasperated, “I’ve had enough. I cannot even kiss my husband without thinking where your lips have been. You do not help with your children, you mope around all day, and I am done with this. Everyone always used to say how lucky I should be, being married to you. If they only knew the real deal.”
He jumps to his feet
“You can’t leave me,” he replies, “What does John Smith do without Pocahontas?”
“Kaden don’t give me that Pocahontas bull. It is not going to work. We have too many problems and right now is not the time to discuss it.” I say as I put Kalani down and grab some sweats and my tennis shoes. “I have to get Namiyah some breakfast on the way to school and drop Kalani at daycare. I don’t have time for this discussion right now.”
I get dressed and grab Kalani and head for his room to dress him so we can go.
Kaden meets me at the bedroom door.
“Mocha, don’t leave me. I will do whatever you want. Please let us discuss this over lunch today. Please don’t leave me baby I love you, I can’t survive without you.”
He gazes at me with those green eyes and that raised left eyebrow. He reminds me so much of the guy that picked me up on the way home from practice that day long ago, and once again I feel myself begin to melt. I cannot believe after everything he has done, he still has a hold on me. I bend. I can’t help it. He is my husband.
“Ok, we’ll meet for lunch around 12 at Lefty’s”.
“Tell you what, how about I take Namiyah and Kalani this morning while you take the day off and enjoy yourself?”
I stop and look at him in shock. I cannot believe that my husband has actually volunteered to do something. Maybe he really does want to work on reconciliation.
“Well ok, I guess that would be alright,” I hear myself saying as I grab a soapy wash cloth and quickly wipe down Kalani, then hand him to his dad. Off he goes with my two babies. I call into work and let my supervisor know that I will not be able to make it in. I decide to put on one of my cute little nighties and lie back in my bed and doze for a while. Oh, bless my husband for once. I really did need just a day to relax and clear my brain and ask myself some very logical questions. Like did I really want reconciliation? I told myself that it was over and I was through, but now I was not so sure. I do not see how some women make leaving their husbands look so easy. Everything in me says I need to leave, take my babies and run. I cannot stand my husband, I cannot. However, my heart will not let me let go.
We have been together so long, what would my world be like without him? What will Namiyah think? If given the choice of which parent to live with, would she choose me? I think if she didn’t my heart would break, but I would want the choice to be hers.
There are just so many things to think about before you just walk out and leave everything behind. So many things to think about…
…I awake to a tingling sensation on my back. I turn and there is Kaden playing with feathers.
He looks so young and playful, and against my better judgment, I crack a smile. I love this man so much when he is like this. This is the man I married. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one that I promised to love and cherish and to discover what forever was. What happened to us? He glides the feather down my back once more.
I laugh full out this time “What are you doing?”
“I just want to enjoy my wife; I miss the intimate moments we used to share.”
I want to say, you are the reason why all of our intimate moments have ceased to exist, but I decide to hold my tongue and try to enjoy the moment.
“We have to get ready for our lunch date.” I remind him
“Instead of going out, why don’t we order in and talk?”
I think about it and decide it is probably best. I really did not want to get up and go out anyway. I just wanted to relax.
“That’s fine,” I tell him. “How about we order Chinese food?”
He agrees. While he goes off to do that, I get myself up and go downstairs to the living room. The living room is my sanctuary. It is where I come for peace of mind from my children, my husband, and life in general. The one thing that impresses me the most about this room is the over-sized furniture we have in here. I love to just curl up in my favorite chair and lose myself in it. It is absolutely fantastic.
However, today is the day when my husband and I decide what to do from here. This conversation is long overdue and we have been living practically as strangers for too long. So let us bring on the rest of my life. I look up as Kaden enters and focus on this man, my man of 11 years; my husband for nine. I do not even know what it is like to be with someone else. He has been my whole world and has given me two of the most beautiful children imaginable. How do you turn and walk away from life as you know it?
“So,” he says. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Why don’t I start?” I suggest. “I woke up this morning with the conclusion in my head that I am done with this marriage and I want out. Kaden, as easy as it sounds, I cannot seem to just up and leave. We have so many issues and past hurts, and what it really boils down to is I do not trust you. Not even a little, and while I think that it is great that you took the kids this morning, I have a feeling that this nice guy act is a ploy to get me to stay and I believe that this shall pass.”
“Naima, you know that I love you,” he begins.
“Yeah, I hear you say that you love me, but when do you ever show me? I do not even want to go into all the things that you have done. We both know the drama and the bull you have taken me through, so let’s not sit here and pretend that it is anything but what it is.”
“Baby just listen, I know I have done some really shady things in the past, but that’s just it, it is in the past. I would like us to start new and move forward from this day forward. I want to be the man that you fell in love with back in high school. You can trust me—.”
“How can I trust you?” I interrupt. “I don’t even know how to begin to trust you. I can handle many things, and I did, but infecting me with a venereal disease was the final straw. I mean can you honestly sit there and say that if the shoe had been on the other foot, you would not have left me where I was standing?”
“To be honest with you I don’t know what I would have done if presented with the situation. I probably would not have been able to handle it and eventually would have left,” He replied honestly.
“So if you think that way, how do you honestly expect me to do something that you wouldn’t do,” I ask.
“Because you are a stronger person than I am. I love and respect you more for staying with me. If you give me another chance to make things right by you, I promise that I will never let you down again,” Kaden says as he comes over to my chair. He bends down in front of me, takes my hand, and gazes into my eyes.
“I swear to you Naima, without you, my world will shatter and I will be nothing. I love you more than words will ever be able to describe. Please love me enough to stay.”
Why does this man have this hold over me? It has to be the eyes. Even after all of this time, I still cannot help but melt when I gaze into them. They are so gorgeous with little specks of gold hidden in them. How do I let him go?
“Kaden, no way can I deny that I love you. You gave me my babies, and that is something that no one can ever take away from us. However, in order for us to make this marriage work, we need trust. I need to know that when you go out, you are not going to be with some other woman. I do not want to be that wife again that was calling you every time you were five minutes late. I cannot take the stress and disappointments anymore. Either you have to do better or I have to leave plain and simple. No ifs, ands, or buts. It is what it is.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes. There are no more secrets between us. You know all about my past deeds, and while I am not proud of them, and regret them, it is still a part of who I was. Can you accept that, and from this day forth let it go?”