"Oh, nothing. This is the first time you've come here for dinner, isn't it? You look beautiful."
"I do not! I feel silly. What a lot of fuss just to come and eat! I'd just as soon sit and read, but I wanted to see your candles. They are pretty. Did you light them all yourself?" Marci looked around awkwardly. "Where should I sit?"
"I know. Sit over there with Ellen and her gang. It will be fun at that table. And dinner is really good tonight: roast beef, and chocolate cake and cling peaches for dessert." I escorted her to her table as I carried a pitcher of ice water there.
After dessert was served, Peggy tapped on her water glass with a spoon. This meant only one thing. Everyone grew quiet. "Which senior is it?" people whispered. "Oh, this is always so exciting!"
I watched Ellen smile and look up at Peggy with anticipation just as everyone else did. I knew Ellen had dreamed of this for a long time. This was her moment. I saw how she had folded her right hand over her left, and sat very still.
"I have a very special announcement this evening," Peggy said. "A member of the freshman class has just gotten engaged."
"A freshman? Who could it be?" I heard the crowd buzz.
Peggy shouted over the swell of voices, "Ellen Lloyd is engaged to Kyle Spencer, a junior at Princeton. Marriage plans will be announced at a later date. All the best to you, Ellen."
Many girls ran over to Ellen's table, wanting to see her ring and hear all about Kyle, and the proposal. Ellen looked like Miss Universe, with everyone hovering about her in admiration.
She is so happy, I thought as I watched Ellen. The happiness she couldn't share with her family, she could share with friends. I wondered why families couldn't be more like friends and be supportive without always judging. I supposed it was impossible. With family, there was too much love, too many worries, and too many expectations. I thought of my sister and of all the plans she had for my life. Would I someday hurt my sister as Ellen was hurting her parents? Then I thought of Bokhi and Hyunchun. If they lived here, it might be possible for them to be together. I was caught between two very different cultures. Would I be able to balance the two and create my own special world? I wondered.
When I went back to my room that night, Ellen was sitting on her bed with a box of tissues. Her eyes were red and puffy and her hair was falling in her face.
"Ellen, what's wrong?" I asked.
"Sister Reed called to congratulate my parents. They immediately called me and were furious that I had announced my engagement to the school. They told me that I was to call it off and come home right away. But I'll show them. They can't hang on to me like that. Kyle and I need each other, and we'll be together no matter what they say. We're going to elope." She blew her nose and hurled the box of tissues onto the floor.
I tried to reason with her. "Maybe your parents are just worried about you. I don't think they're really angry. What does Kyle think about all this?"
"He's insulted and upset," Ellen said.
"When your parents see how happy the two of you are, they'll come around. It must have been a big shock for them. Maybe they just need to get used to the idea. Why don't you and Kyle go home and talk to them?"
"I am not going to subject Kyle to them. They have been horribly mean," sobbed Ellen.
"They love you, Ellen. You can't just run away and get married all by yourselves. Your parents want to be there, and I want to be there. I thought you said I could be the maid of honor at your wedding!"
"You don't understand. I'm their baby, and they'll never get used to the idea. Besides, once they get my report card, they'll be even more furious with me. I spent so much time on extracurriculars and visiting Kyle at Princeton that I failed French last semester. I don't want to study anyway. All I can think about is Kyle, and the life ahead of us. I just want to elope and get our lives started now!"
"Maybe you should talk about it with Sister Reed. She's quite wise, you know."
Ellen glared at me and shouted, "Sookan, she's the one who made it even worse than it was to begin with! She and my parents are probably plotting against me as we speak. I know she's on their side."
"Ellen, you know how charming Kyle is. Have him talk to your parents and win them over," I pleaded. "When they see how much he loves you, I just know they'll change their minds."
"Oh, Sookan, you don't know anything. You think we always have to do what older people tell us to do. You don't understand. I have my life to live. You're on their side anyway. Just leave me alone and stay out of it!" Ellen's voice had risen to a scream.
No one had ever screamed at me like that before. I was shocked and hurt. But, I suddenly heard myself screaming back at Ellen. "Why don't you grow up? A big engagement ring and a boyfriend don't make you an adult. Maybe you should try to understand your parents, and understand why they might be worried. Kyle isn't the only one who loves you; they love you, too. Did it ever occur to you that other people might have things to say that make sense? You're acting like a spoiled and ungrateful idiot!" I threw my books on the floor and ran out of the room.
Up in my private study, the bathtub, I sat down and drew the white plastic curtain closed. I was upset and ashamed. I had lost my temper and I had hurt Ellen. I didn't go back downstairs until I was sure Ellen would be asleep, and the next morning I tiptoed out of the room before she woke up.
Chapter Fifteen
Winter was slipping away, and brave yellow forsythia buds were heralding the arrival of spring, my favorite season. It always thrilled me to see tiny buds emerge from the brown weathered branches. Ellen, as head of the dance committee, was frantically planning the Spring Fling, just two weeks away. Boys from Princeton, West Point, and Georgetown were chartering buses to come up for the evening, and it was Ellen's job to make sure that everything went right. Kyle was planning to bring his roommate, Tom Winston, and Ellen kept begging me to come to the dance so that we could double-date.
I was relieved to see Ellen so happy again. She had taken my advice, and she and Kyle had gone to talk to her parents together. After a long conversation, they agreed to have an extended engagement so that Ellen could finish school. Ellen promised to spend more time studying. She no longer spoke of eloping, and in fact, she and her mother were already beginning to make plans for the huge wedding they would throw in three years. Ellen and I were both ashamed of how we had screamed at each other, but I knew Ellen was grateful to me, and I was happy that 1 had helped her.
Each time Ellen mentioned the Spring Fling, I just smiled and said nothing. I had already decided that 1 would go, but I wanted to surprise her. I would wear my cream silk dress and the pearl jewelry that Sister Reed had given me. On my way to the dance, I would stop by Sister Reed's office and surprise her, too. 1 had it all planned. I just needed to buy a pair of beige high heels to wear with the dress.
Ever since January, I had been working every Saturday at the administration building. To save money, I had purchased second-hand textbooks from upperclassmen at a fraction of the original price, and I was careful not to use too many notebooks. The books I could not buy from upperclassmen I read at the library. And not having time to write home saved on postage money.
I finally thought I had saved up enough money to go downtown and buy not only my shoes, but the leather purse for Mother, some books for my brothers, and a few things my sister had asked for. I would make up for what I had not been able to send at Christmastime.
As I headed toward the store to buy Mother's purse, I passed a little boutique with a most exquisite, black short-sleeved dress in the window. Made of velvet, it was fitted, with a square neckline, black satin trim on the hem and sleeves, and a braided satin belt with a tiny bow in the front. A small, black velvet purse hung on the shoulder of the mannequin. The dress was small, and looked as if it might fit me. Before I had even thought about it, I found myself inside the store.
A tall, silver-haired woman approached me and said, "Would you like to try that on, dearie?"
"Oh, no, but it is beautif
ul! I just want to look at it for a while. That's the kind of dress my mother would make for me," I rattled on. "It's so simple and elegant."
The woman looked me over, then said, "You're so tiny. What size are you—two or four? This is a four, but cut very small. It would probably fit you well."
I had no idea what size I wore; I had never bought a dress in America. I just smiled, not knowing what to say.
"Here, try it on. Let's just see if it's your size. Most of my customers are too big for this little dress." She took it off the mannequin and gently pushed me toward the dressing room.
It fit perfectly and felt so soft against my skin. The pearl necklace and wishbone pin would really stand out against the black velvet. Now the cream dress that I had been planning to wear seemed drab.
"Heavens," the saleswoman exclaimed as I exited the dressing room to model for her. "It looks as if it were made for you!" Her gray eyes twinkled as she examined the fit. I wished I could buy it, but there was no way I could afford it.
I was about to take it off when the woman brought me the little purse and a pair of black patent leather high heels. "Here, just see how the whole outfit looks."
She led me to a three-way mirror, and I saw how stunning the ensemble was. The shoes made me look tall, and the purse added a touch of elegance. Wouldn't Ellen be amazed to see me like this? I kept thinking.
"I can give you forty percent off if you buy all three. This dress has been here for a while, and I don't think it will fit anyone else as well as it fits you."
I don't know what got into me, but I bought the whole ensemble, and was left with only two dollars to spare. I wasn't able to buy a single gift. I went back to my room with an empty wallet—and two large shopping bags. I immediately hid everything behind my old dresses. Ellen and I shared a closet, and I didn't want her to notice the outfit before the dance. She had seen every dress I already owned, so I had to be careful to hide this one way in the back.
On the night of the dance, I told Ellen that I was planning to stop by at some point. She wanted to do my hair and show me how to put on makeup, but I just laughed and told her that I didn't want to go to all that fuss. I would get dressed after I finished my reading, and would join her later.
As soon as she left, I began to prepare. I curled my hair, polished my nails, and put on some makeup. I slipped into my black dress and high heels, then adorned myself with my pearl jewelry. Pleased with this new look, I walked over to Marci's room to show her. She was not in, so I left her a quick note saying that I was going to the dance. Then I headed to Sister Reed's office.
When Sister Reed saw me standing before her, she gasped. "Sookan, you are exquisite! What a stunning outfit. Is it new?"
I nodded. She gazed at the pin and pearls she had given me. "Dear, you look stunning! Now, go have a wonderful time. I am so delighted to see you finally attending a dance. It's about time!" Like a proud, loving mother, she watched me walk away.
I became apprehensive as I approached the dance hall and heard the laughter and music. I didn't know how to dance, and I wondered if I would even know how to mingle with college boys.
The hall was jammed, and everyone looked wonderful. The West Pointers were spiffy in their starched uniforms and spit-shined shoes, and all the girls looked so graceful in their flowing skirts as they twirled about the dance floor. Overwhelmed, I stood at the entrance for a minute. Ellen was at the punch bowl, and I watched the wave of surprise that washed over her features when she noticed me. "Sookan? Is it you?! Where did that dress come from? Who got you ready?"
"I know how to get myself dressed, Ellen," I said.
"You are wicked to shock me like this; I'm going to have a heart attack right here. You're so stylish! Kyle, where is Tom Winston? Oh, there you are, Tom. Come here. I want you to meet my roommate, Sookan." Ellen grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowds, introducing me to all the men. I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to everyone. It was exciting to be surrounded by handsome strangers, and to talk and drink punch and listen to music. Now, I could see why Ellen liked these gatherings so much.
Ellen suggested that I dance with Tom, even though I had told her many times that I didn't know how. But, Tom stepped toward me and assured me it was easy. He gently led me to the crowded dance floor and, deftly putting his arm around my waist, he started to lead.
"See, you already know how to dance," he said. "It's as natural as walking or talking. Later, I'll show you some fancy steps if you'd like."
I didn't answer. I was getting a bit nervous dancing so closely. Suddenly, I felt hungry and weak. I realized I hadn't eaten lunch. "Do you think we could go taste some more of that punch Ellen made?" I said.
Ellen winked at me. I knew I had made her happy; it was important to her that everyone enjoyed her parties.
Later, Ellen suggested to Kyle, Tom, and me that we all go to the Hilltop for drinks. I had often heard of it; it was a favorite hangout on the hill behind campus. We agreed and all hopped into Kyle's car for the short ride there.
I'm not sure exactly what I had expected, but I was surprised by the dingy, dimly lit restaurant, with its old wooden floors covered with sawdust. The music was blaring, but everyone was talking and laughing, and the hamburgers and onion rings smelled terrific.
"Hi, Ellen, I've reserved a table for you," said a man in his thirties, whom I later learned was the owner.
Many of our classmates were there, with drinks in hand, talking animatedly. Some waved to me, obviously surprised to see me there.
"What can I get you?" the waiter asked me.
"A glass of orange juice, please."
"Sookan, they make a terrific screwdriver here," Ellen said. "You've got to try it."
"One screwdriver coming up," the waiter quickly noted. 1 had no idea what a screwdriver was, but I didn't object. I knew Ellen was determined to expose me to "the college experience." Besides, I knew it was important to her that I seem with-it in front of Kyle and Tom. But when the drink came, it tasted to me like orange juice that had gone bad and I sipped it slowly.
I talked mostly to Tom, who sat next to me and wanted to know all about my classes and my jobs. He had a friendly, boyish smile, and I enjoyed comparing my experiences to his at Princeton.
Ellen said I needed to refresh my drink, but since I didn't like the one I had, I asked to switch to ginger ale.
"Oh, no, how about a Tom Collins—in Tom's honor," Ellen suggested. This one was cool and sweet, and I drank it down as I talked.
When we left the Hilltop, Ellen tried to convince me to spend the weekend with her at her home. We would visit the boys at Princeton, she said. But my head was starting to pound, so I asked her to drop me off at the dorm.
Ellen gave me a hug, and whispered, "I'm so glad you came tonight. Promise me we'll do this again."
"Bye, Sookan. It was great to see you again," said Kyle.
Then Tom offered me his arm and walked me to the front door of the dorm.
"I really enjoyed this evening." He hesitated, then added, "I would like to see you again. May I call you?" He gently held my hand in both of his, and waited for my response.
Flustered, I faltered, then hurriedly responded, "Yes, well, I had a good time, too. Good night." I pulled my hand from his, and ran inside.
As I walked down the corridor, I saw that Marci's door was open. "Did you have a good time?" she called out. "You didn't see me, but I walked by and peeked from the doorway. I saw you chatting with a tall, very cute guy. Who was he?"
"Oh, Kyle's roommate," I said.
"He was your date?" Marci squealed.
"No, he wasn't my date. We all just went to the Hilltop together."
"He thought he was your date. I could tell," she said. "He liked you. Was he nice? Did you have a good time?"
"He was very nice. He even offered his coat when he thought mine wasn't warm enough."
"I bet he's going to call you soon."
"No, he won't. Well, actually, he might. But I d
on't have the time to spend another evening like tonight. 1 have such a headache," I said, rubbing my temples.
"What did you drink?" Marci asked.
"Orange juice and some punch. But they had funny names—I forget. One of them was called Tom something."
"A screwdriver and a Tom Collins! No wonder you have a headache. Ellen should have warned you that those have vodka and whiskey in them. You'll be okay in the morning."
"Vodka and whiskey? What are those?" I asked.
"Alcohol. Booze," Marci said.
"You mean I went out on a date and drank alcohol? That sounds so wild!" I said. "Actually, though, there was nothing wild about it. But if my sister ever found out, she would really think I was losing my values."
"Don't worry. You need to get away from your books, the library, and the nuns once in a while. You know, you surprised everyone. I heard the girls talking about how smashing you looked."
"They all think of me as a mousy bookworm. Lately, I have been, I guess. But it's because I still don't feel completely comfortable with English, and I have to study so hard to keep up with everyone else. Sometimes I fantasize about being a famous diplomat. I imagine that I am tall and glamorous, and that I can charm people into signing all sorts of peace treaties. Well, anyway, that's enough of that. Maybe I'm drunk!"
Marci followed me to my room and watched as I took off my shoes and removed my makeup.
"So, you did have a good time, didn't you?" she asked again.
"I had a wonderful time. In fact, I enjoyed myself so much that it scared me. If I keep doing this, my studies will suffer. But I just wanted to go once to make Ellen happy, and to prove to her that I'm capable of looking elegant and of having fun. It was extravagant of me. I spent all of my money on this outfit, and I didn't even get any gifts to send home to my family." I thought of the soft leather purse I still hadn't bought for my mother. "And I didn't purchase any of those things my sister asked for! If she ever found out that I spent all of my money on a velvet outfit and went out on a date and drank alcohol—"
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