I told Penny I wasn’t feeling well and asked her to cancel my appointments. Other than that, I didn’t talk to her. I ignored her insistence that I go see a doctor. I played doctor on occasion, but I never went to see them. Perhaps having been born in a mental hospital, I’d seen my share of them. Or perhaps, since none of them could save my mother, I couldn’t trust them. Whatever. There was nothing physically wrong with me anyway.
It was Tuesday night that Elizabeth came. I was just returning from a walk, from making sure I avoided Kimber on her way out.
“He’s not well.” Penny’s voice travelled down the hall.
“I know,” Elizabeth said. “I just came to see if he needed anything.”
A pause. Elizabeth’s tone changed, like she just realized something. “I’m not here for that. I just want to see how he’s doing.”
“He’s not seeing anyone.” Penny never seemed to want me to be friendly with the women I saw. She was ruthless about it. In the past, it could be a good thing—she stopped those women who got too attached, who couldn’t see the differentiation between someone you share a bed with and someone you pay to screw you. I never really understood why Penny was so harsh about it, but I’d never cared until now.
I walked up the hall, more to save Elizabeth from Penny than because I wanted to talk to anyone.
I took Elizabeth’s hand and spoke to Penny. “I won’t fuck her.” I led Elizabeth down the hall to my room.
The back door slammed as Penny left a minute later.
“Is she all right?” Elizabeth said.
I sat on the edge of the bed. “It’s nothing to do with you.”
She sat next to me.
“She doesn’t like me to be friends with my clients,” I said.
“I suppose that makes sense. Hardly seems…professional.”
“When did sex become professional?”
“So, she said you’re not feeling well.”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t look sick.”
“I’m good at faking.” I stood and walked over to the fire.
“All right,” she said. “I won’t push too hard. Just don’t feed me any bull about being sick.”
Kneeling in front of the fireplace, I glanced back at her. “I can do that.”
She smiled a little. “Good. I’ll just help take your mind off things, then.”
I set the poker back in its holder. “Is your divorce going all right?”
“He’s trying to get alimony.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Fucking prick.”
“My lawyer thinks we’ll be able to stop him.”
“Because of the adultery.”
“Actually, we’re having a hard time proving that.”
“He admitted it, didn’t he?”
“Only to me. Now he’s denying it, and so is Lydia. He’s trying to get money out of me, and he knows I won’t ask Rachel to go through a paternity test.”
“Sack of shit.”
“But since I had money before we were together, my lawyer thinks I won’t have to give him any. My father left it to me when he died.”
“So, Lydia has money too?”
“I got lucky on several investments. She spent all hers.”
I smirked. “I’m sure you helped the prick build his career. Are you going for alimony?”
The corner of her mouth twitched devilishly. “I could.”
“But you’re not going to.”
She sighed. “No. I just want it all to be done. Rachel’s been through enough.”
I walked over and resumed my seat next to her. “How’s Rachel doing?”
“Okay, I think.” She smiled. “She decided to stay with me until she leaves for college.”
“You found someplace to stay?”
“I plan to get the house back, but for right now, we’re staying at a place I own off Gate Parkway.”
The only housing off Gate Parkway was big complexes of luxury apartments. Apparently, Elizabeth had invested better than she hinted. She could make a nice living off just one property like that.
Elizabeth stayed for a while. We talked about lots of things, mostly her. I was thankful she came. I needed a friendly face today, more than I realized. And I didn’t screw her.
It was after midnight by the time I walked her to her car.
She paused before opening her door. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course.” Where did that come from?
“I just…I know you need a friend. You deserve one.”
“You are my friend.”
She sighed. “I know it’s hard for you, but you should talk to someone.”
“What would you think I needed to talk about?”
“There’s nothing physically wrong with you, and you cancelled your appointments for the last two days.”
“I’m just tired.”
“Right, Heath. I’ve heard about some of your escapades. You don’t get tired.”
My jaw clenched. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I don’t want anything from you. That’s my point. I’m offering you a chance to get it out, whatever it is that’s always on your mind, that’s always muting your smile. No repercussions. I won’t gossip to anyone, and you know I won’t judge, no matter what it is.”
I just looked at her. She was right, at least partially. Talking to her, out of everyone I knew, would be the easiest, but certain things I couldn’t talk to anyone about.
“There’s so much,” I finally said.
Her expression was gentle, patient. “The first time is the hardest. Trust me.”
I laughed under my breath. “I say that all the time.”
She laughed out loud. Then she turned and opened her car door. “Come sit with me.”
I walked around to the passenger side. She started the engine and turned on the heat. Her car was immaculate, probably a few years old, but one of those cars that was classy and timeless, like her.
“So,” she said. “I’ll start easy. Did you grow up around here?”
“A few different areas, but this general vicinity.”
“Any family?”
“It’s been just Penny and me for a long time.”
She tilted her head curiously.
“Penny raised me,” I said.
“Oh. Well, that explains why she’s so protective.”
“Yeah.”
She smiled. “So that’s what you talked to Rachel about. She said you told her a mother is in the actions, not the blood.”
“Rachel’s a smart girl.”
She paused. “Thanks for that.”
“It felt nice to help.”
She turned in her seat a little more to face me better. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to sit here.
“So, you went to school here then.”
“High school in Orange Park, then University of Florida.”
Her eyebrows rose.
“A reasonable amount of intelligence and the ability to make women squeal are not mutually exclusive traits.”
She laughed. “I never really thought about what you did before this. But now that you say it, you do seem educated.”
“How’s that?”
“You quoted Steinbeck once. I don’t remember what it was exactly, but I do remember recognizing Of Mice and Men.”
My lips twitched, more from being impressed with her. “That book has always stuck with me.”
“It’s really sad, though.”
“But kind of beautiful, the personal sacrifice to save your friend pain. George was willing to live in pain the rest of his life in order to save Lennie from being tortured. I think that took more courage than trying to save him, and then losing anyway.” I realized she was watching me with a smile, and I looked at the dash.
“What did you major in?” she said. Then she added, “It was literature, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you write?”
I didn’t answer.
She pau
sed. “So, um, you’ve been living here for a long time?”
Which meant if I’d been screwing women for money for a long time. “Several years,” I said.
Another pause. I figured questions were floating around in her head, that she was busy debating whether she should ask them.
“Your parents,” she said, “you haven’t mentioned anything about them.”
I wasn’t sure when I’d stop the questions, but I felt we were getting closer.
“I never met them,” I said.
“But Penny did, right?”
“She knew our mother. I doubt we have the same father.”
“What was she like?”
“Insane.”
She hesitated, surely discerning if I meant that literally.
“I was born in a mental hospital,” I said.
She opened her mouth but didn’t speak. There was nothing to say to that. The generic “I’m sorry” didn’t quite do it.
I continued, more to save Elizabeth from the awkwardness of trying to figure a response. “Penny said the pregnancy was ugly. Once they realized she was pregnant, they had to stop giving her drugs. They had to strap her down, and she bled at the ankles and wrists from the bindings. She thrashed around and screamed incoherently. Penny said she was completely not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it was the pregnancy that pushed her the rest of the way off the edge.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
I shrugged. “Penny blames whoever got her pregnant.”
“Do you have any idea who?”
“Penny said our mother didn’t socialize with the other patients. She thinks it could have been her doctor. It might also explain why it took them so long to realize she was pregnant, almost three months. He wanted her to miscarry.”
“Why—”
“Banging his patients would lose him his license. He kept her on the drugs as long as possible, hoping I’d die.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “But…you’re all right?”
I stared out the windshield at the back of the sporting goods store. “Penny usually mentions it to clients. Seems to be a good selling feature.”
Peripherally, I saw as her mouth opened a little.
“I’ve been tested by every doctor in the state. They think it was my mother’s medications that caused me to be sterile.” The doctor hadn’t killed me. He’d killed my children, the ones I should’ve had with Cassie.
Elizabeth hesitated. “Every doctor in the state? Did you have someone you wanted to have a baby with?”
“You should get home to Rachel.” I stood from the car and walked away. We’d reached my limit.
Chapter 25
Charlotte
I was going out of my mind. I wasn’t used to going without sex. Kimber kept dancing through my mind, taunting me, and it only got worse after my long talk with Elizabeth. Yeah, talking would help—that was such bullshit.
The worst part was I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me. Elizabeth had touched on some raw subjects, but that wasn’t quite it. I’d denied my appointments before Elizabeth showed. I was desperate to screw, and yet I refused my appointments. What in the fuck was wrong with me?
In the early morning, I went for a walk, without bothering to shave, and I only combed my hair with my fingers.
The walk was partially just to be in motion and partially to avoid Kimber when she arrived at work. Physically, I was back to avoiding her, but mentally, she plagued me. And it wasn’t just about sex.
I walked slowly through the mall with my hands in my pockets. I made it across the mall property to the main road before I realized I was freezing. If any of the clothing stores had been open, I would’ve stopped and bought a coat.
Starbucks was the closest thing that was open. I walked back in that direction. I went in, ordered a coffee with an extra shot of espresso, and sat for a while and stared out the window.
Once I was warm enough, I dumped the rest of my five-dollar coffee and headed back toward the shop—perhaps just to grab a jacket or perhaps to hide in my room for a while. Kimber would probably arrive in another fifteen minutes or so. She was predictable, always at least ten minutes early but not usually more than fifteen. I should be safe to go in the back door.
I walked around the building, and Penny pulled up when I was still a good ten feet from the door. Great.
I only nodded a cool greeting and continued forward. I was still pissed at her for how she’d treated Elizabeth.
She stood from her car. “Heath.”
I pretended not to hear her.
“Heath.” Her voice was commanding, the one she used to use when I was little and had done something wrong. I knew that voice well.
I thought about continuing to ignore her but knew she’d just follow me inside anyway. I stopped and looked at her with a dead expression.
“What was that about last night?” she said.
“Nothing.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to—”
“It’s not about what you think.” I moved closer. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m not a child anymore. And, no, I didn’t fuck her.”
Her lips thinned.
“Why is it you don’t want to hear about my sex life and yet you insist on controlling it?”
Her eyes widened in outrage. “I never—”
“You found out women were leaving me money for screwing them, and you insisted on coming up with a scheduling system.”
“It’s to protect you.”
“Right.” Protect me? What the fuck? Protect me from over or under booking?
She took a breath.
I wasn’t ready to stop fighting. “You know damn well you only do the scheduling and shit for the money,” I said. “So fuck off.” I immediately regretted saying it, but I was too pissed off to apologize.
A car door closing.
I glanced over. Kimber was standing next to her piece-of-shit Plymouth. She looked away.
Son of a fucking bitch.
I threw my hands up and yelled, “Fuck it,” and then walked away. As I turned the corner, I saw peripherally as Penny went inside. I couldn’t tell if she was upset. Kimber was watching me.
I walked and kept walking.
The mall was huge. I’d never seen all of it. I didn’t really see it now, too busy being pissed off and feeling like a sack of shit. Shops opened, and people started appearing around me. I didn’t pay attention to them.
Until I saw a face I knew—Charlotte, one of my regulars whose name I couldn’t remember that time. Usually, I ignored the women I knew in public, especially the married ones.
I caught her eye, that intense eye contact I usually reserved for when I was in bed with someone. Then I turned and walked down a side street. She followed. At the back of one of the buildings, there was a semi-secluded nook, a small space that set in a little from the rest of the building.
Part of me, namely my lower part, knew what I was doing, and the rest of me didn’t care enough to question. I needed sex, and I needed it right now.
I grabbed Charlotte’s hand and pulled her into the nook with me. She laughed a little. I pushed her against the cinderblock wall, pressed my lips to her neck, and reached up her shirt. I didn’t want to kiss on the lips today.
She sighed and held on to me. Thank God it was her, one of few women up for an excursion like this.
I lifted her skirt and pulled off her panties. Then I slipped my fingers into her. She was already wet.
I unbuttoned my pants and pulled out my dick.
She wrapped her legs around me as I held her up against the wall and entered her.
My mind went blank with the relief of sex.
My dick sloshed in and out of her. She clung to me, hands at my shoulders and legs around my hips. All I could feel was her warmth and moisture, the drive to keep screwing her, anyone.
Then I felt her climax start to rise, and Kimber was there in my mind. She was smiling at me, talking with me, asking me t
o kiss her…
I grunted as I came. Charlotte was panting in my ear. She sounded like she’d barely survived her climax. Charlotte, not Kimber.
An overwhelming feeling washed over me like sewage and extinguished my orgasm. I pulled out of her and zipped my pants. I only vaguely realized what she was doing and saying. She pulled on her panties and fixed her clothes. In her voice there was an edge of thrilled excitement. Then she stuffed a wad of cash in my pocket, kissed my cheek, and left.
I walked away as well, kept walking. The sex hadn’t given me relief.
Finally, sometime after the sun fell, I realized what my problem was. I felt as though I’d been unfaithful, something I’d never felt before.
This had to stop. Kimber had to go.
Chapter 26
The Girl On The Bicycle
We’d only gone on one date, if dealing with an old hag and dinner at a fast food joint could be considered a date. I was not obligated to be faithful.
No matter how many times I repeated it, lectured myself, the guilt still clung to me like a bastard child. Kimber was seriously pissing me off. Even while I ignored her, I couldn’t get her to leave me the fuck alone.
I’d hoped I could get the point across more gently, gradually, maybe even encourage it to be her decision, but I realized I didn’t have that kind of time. Kimber had to go. I had to sever any link between us, and I had to do it immediately, a quick, clean cut. I couldn’t handle any more of this shit.
It was almost time for the shop to close by the time I returned. I had to do it tonight. I had to find a second to ask Kimber to come see me after closing, definitely after Penny was gone, just in case Kimber was upset or cried…If I made her tears fall, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to let go of her.
Heath, you selfish asshole, you have to. I couldn’t bring an innocent like her into my life. I had to do this for her. She deserved so much more than what I had to offer.
I walked in the front door of the shop. Luckily, several people were still shopping, meaning Penny was busy. She was out on the sales floor explaining some product to a customer, and Kimber was at the cash register.
Kimber’s gaze was down. She never looked at the customer, didn’t smile like she usually did, like she was supposed to.
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