Love Me Not

by Villette Snowe

  Then the speed of the dreams stopped, and I smashed into a wall. The wall was my one night with Kimber. It was making love, not just sex, and that made my whole life, the course of it, stop.

  Then she was gone again.

  “Come back.”

  I ripped from sleep and sat up, panting.

  The room was dark now. I was lost in the fuzzy blackness. I stared into it, trying not to feel.

  “Heath?” said a voice from outside the door.

  Shit, I’d woken Elizabeth. I didn’t answer her.

  The door opened. “Heath.”

  I stayed turned away.

  Her feet padded the wood floor and then the carpet that surrounded the bed. She sat next to me.

  I stared out the window.

  She paused. “I’m here if you need anything.”

  “Thank you.”

  A longer pause.

  “It’s easier to handle if you talk about it,” she said. “A good friend of mine taught me that.”

  “It’ll seem too real.” I couldn’t say it all out loud. I’d talked to Kimber, shown her who I was, and look how that turned out.

  “If you talk, it’s like letting someone else share just a little of the pain.”

  I kept staring out the window, or maybe I was only staring at the glass. Sharing the pain was not something I was willing to do with Elizabeth.

  Peripherally, I noticed as she glanced down. My erection was extremely noticeable. Pain in my scrotum was going to be my constant companion, just like the plague of my memories of Kimber.

  “Would it help if…” Her hand rubbed up my thigh.

  I held her hand, stopped its progression. “I can’t.”

  She let me hold her hand, let it be a friendly thing. I just hoped she wasn’t offended I wouldn’t sleep with her.

  “There’s someone,” she said as if it was an epiphany.

  I didn’t disagree, which I knew she’d take as a confirmation.

  “That’s why you weren’t seeing any clients,” she said. A pause. “Do I know her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Not one of your clients…There’s that girl…who works in the shop.”

  I said nothing.

  “I’ve seen you watch her,” she said. “Usually, you admire women, but with her…you looked like you were yearning. I didn’t know if I was reading you right.”

  “You were.”

  She held my hand in both of hers. “Did she…did she reject you?”

  I took a breath. “No. Then yes.”

  She waited, still holding my hand. I liked that her gesture was friendly, no other intentions behind it. She didn’t seem at all offended that I didn’t want to sleep with her—my friendship was what she really wanted.

  “She got me to talk,” I said, “about everything. Even things Penny doesn’t know.”

  “She earned your trust. That’s not easy.”

  “Then she stayed the night with me, and I told her…”

  Her voice was quiet. “That you love her.”

  “I made the decision before we made love that I was done taking women’s money, done being with anyone but her.” I lowered my head and pulled my hand through my hair. “Penny was already there when I walked Kimber out. She told her how I make money.”

  “Why would she do that?”

  “I don’t know.” I took a breath and exhaled heavily. I may as well finish the story now. “Kimber slapped me and walked out. She’s not going to come back.” I leaned forward with my elbow on my knee, still holding onto Elizabeth’s hand. “Another woman I’ve lost.”

  She hesitated. “Another woman?”

  “My wife, she killed herself seven years ago because I couldn’t give her children.” All of a sudden that wasn’t as hard to admit. Perhaps because it didn’t stand out as much in my list of fuckups anymore.

  Elizabeth covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Yeah, the gigolo was married.”

  She wrapped her arms around me. I just kind of sat there, allowing the hug.

  “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

  “Mom?” Rachel’s voice came from the doorway behind us. Elizabeth hadn’t closed the door.

  I pulled the blanket across my lap to cover. Elizabeth sat straight and wiped her cheek.

  “Are you all right?” Rachel said.

  “Yes, sweetie, I’m fine.”

  “How about…” She paused. “Heath, are you okay?”

  I turned my head halfway in her direction. “I’m fine. Thank you, Rachel.”

  “If I can do anything…”

  I turned more fully so I could look at her properly. I forced my lips to curve slightly. “Thank you.”

  She smiled a little and then walked back down the hall.

  Chapter 32

  One Year Deal

  I took a walk. It didn’t matter that it was the middle of the night. I just needed to be in motion. My walks often turned into more of a circular journey, like walking the Earth, looking for answers, and always ending up where I started.

  Elizabeth insisted on giving me a key to the house in case she had to leave to take Rachel to school before I returned. Her neighborhood was beautiful, not the kind of place where one might normally find vagrants walking the streets. I hadn’t shaved in forever. I started to wonder if one of the neighbors would see me and call the police.

  I tried to focus my thoughts, to figure out what I needed to do next. But I didn’t want to think about it, any of it, anything. I just wanted it all to stop.

  I kept moving to try to shake off these thoughts. I knew where they were heading. The real problem was that they didn’t scare me.

  There was no place to go from here. I could think of nothing I wanted from life, nothing I had to live for. Kimber had brought out my desire for something from my life, something real, and then she took away any hope of attaining it. I thought I should hate her—I wanted to. But I couldn’t. She was right. I couldn’t fault her for anything she did.

  As I turned onto a tree-canopied street, I passed a house with open front curtains. Two little girls were dancing around in a living room, and then their mother came in to get them ready for school. I crossed the street and continued walking without looking back. Family. I knew now more than I ever had before that I’d never have that. I didn’t even have Penny anymore.

  No matter what direction my thoughts went to, I couldn’t find anything worth…

  I took a breath and stared into space.

  I had nothing to live for.

  There was no denying it, no trying to pretend life held anything I wanted or, rather, anything I had any chance of attaining. There was only one thing I wanted to do with my life.

  I wanted it to end.

  I continued walking while seeing only the cracks in the sidewalk, not this perfect fucking neighborhood bursting with happy families.

  By the time I turned back onto Elizabeth’s street, I made a deal with myself, a very morbid, fucked-up deal. I had one year. If I made it through that year and still wanted everything to end, then I’d let myself end it.

  I’d just have to make sure the circumstances were such that a stranger found me, not Elizabeth. I wouldn’t do that to her. That also meant I should think about distancing myself from her.

  Past a grouping of trees, the sun burst forth and almost blinded me. Elizabeth’s neighbor, an older woman, stared at me through her front window as I walked past then up Elizabeth’s front steps. I decided today’s method of keeping busy would be to buy a car and find a place to live. That should take a while, all day if I was lucky. And I definitely needed to shave.

  After I showered—and shaved—and put on some clothes, I went down to the kitchen to use the phone. A phone was another thing I should get, solely so I could call Elizabeth when I needed to hear a friendly voice, when I didn’t think I could make the year.

  On the kitchen table, there was a note with my name.

  Went to drop off Rachel. There are bagels in the pantry (and eggs
and sausage in the fridge, but I doubt you cook). Have whatever you want. Be back soon.

  I flipped the paper over.

  Thank you, Elizabeth. I’ll be out most of the day. Will try to be back at a reasonable time.

  Then I called a cab, grabbed a bagel, and was gone before Elizabeth returned. My first stop was the Chevy dealer on Phillips Highway. I paid the cab driver and then started browsing the used car lot.

  Within ten minutes of my browsing cars, a salesman approached. If he grew frustrated with my unresponsive attitude, he didn’t show it. He followed me around like a stray cat begging for food.

  Maybe it was a guy thing or maybe it was my one last snippet of pride, but I couldn’t bring myself to buy a Neon or Cavalier. The only thing on the lot that I could spend money on was the Camaro. It was black and only a year old, with the new body style that harkened back to the muscle cars of the seventies.

  I’d intended on walking through all the dealerships, but I glanced up and down the road and couldn’t think of anything better that Hyundai or Toyota would have to offer. Or maybe I was just being lazy. I knew I should look at all the dealerships, use up as much time as possible, but I decided just to buy the Camaro.

  The paperwork took awhile of course—well, my haggling the price took awhile. My attitude seemed to be helpful. Surely, it was obvious I wasn’t excited about the purchase, which meant the salesmen had little to bargain with. I managed to get them down to an excellent price. The fact that I paid cash also helped significantly.

  Before noon, I drove away in my car, the first car I’d owned in seven years. I’d forgotten how freeing it was, no waiting on a damn cab, no dealing with rude or overly friendly drivers. I could go where I wanted when I wanted.

  Then I was off to find a cell phone store. I didn’t care which carrier I went with, so I stopped at the first store I came across. Buying the damn cell phone took almost as long as buying the car. Finally, I walked out with a phone.

  An apartment was going to be the hard part of the day. I wasn’t sure where to start.

  I stopped at a gas station to grab a bottle of water and fill up the tank—the cheap bastards at the dealership had only filled it to a quarter tank—and while I was there, I picked up one of those freebie apartment guides. I wasn’t even sure in which area of town to start.

  Orange Park held too many memories of Cassie, and too close to Town Center mall wouldn’t work—that’s where all my memories of Kimber were, and I preferred to avoid Penny. But I also thought it wise not to be too far from Elizabeth, at least for now. So, I tried a little farther down Baymeadows Road, the opposite direction from the mall.

  I figured I’d get someplace small but not too shitty, just in case Elizabeth insisted on visiting. What a moron I was deciding where to live based on the women in my life, or the women not in my life.

  Several apartment complexes lined Baymeadows Road. I checked them out in the guide, floor plans and such, and then stopped in at a few, the small one-bedrooms. I didn’t need any more space than that. I barely had enough clothes to get through a week, let alone furniture. Getting shit to fill an apartment would be another excursion. Oh joy.

  Eventually, evening descended, and leasing offices started closing. I took all my brochures and drove back to Elizabeth’s, intent on deciding on a place tonight so I could be out of Elizabeth’s house tomorrow.

  I pulled into the driveway, next to Elizabeth’s Jaguar. She walked down her front steps as I stood from my car.

  “So that’s where you’ve been all day,” she said.

  I closed the door and locked it with a beep. “Can’t keep wasting money on cabs.”

  She smiled, a really happy kind. Perhaps she saw the car purchase as I positive thing, as if I was moving forward. It was really just a transportation thing, but I didn’t set her straight.

  “We ordered pizza,” she said. “We saved some for you.”

  “Thanks.” I realized I’d forgotten to eat lunch.

  I followed her through the house, back to the kitchen. Rachel was sitting on one of the stools at the island. It was odd that her little cheerleading outfit didn’t faze me. I saw her beauty like an uncle would see his niece’s beauty. Perhaps it was simply because of my respect for Elizabeth, or perhaps it was because I was trapped being loyal to someone who didn’t want me.

  “Hi,” Rachel said as I walked in. “What do you like, sausage and pepperoni or plain cheese?”

  “Either.”

  She grabbed a plate and napkin, put a couple slices on a plate, and handed it to me.

  I took the plate. “Thank you.” Then I set my brochures on the table and sat to eat.

  Elizabeth took the next chair and picked up one of the brochures. “You don’t have to be in a rush, you know. You can stay here as long as you want.”

  My voice was quiet. “It doesn’t look very appropriate.” I didn’t know how much about her divorce she’d want to talk about in front of Rachel.

  “I don’t care,” she said.

  “I do.” I took a bite of pizza.

  She sighed, the kind that was half annoyed, half surrender.

  She flipped through the brochures. “So, have you decided?”

  I shook my head while I chewed.

  Brochures spread out over the table, she examined them.

  Rachel jumped down off her stool and walked around the island to put her plate in the dishwasher. She came back with a bottle of water from the refrigerator and set it next to my plate.

  “Thank you.” That seemed to be the only thing I said to the girl. She was way too damn polite for a teenager.

  Rachel grabbed a book and notebook from her school bag on the floor by the doorway, resumed her stool, and started working.

  “Any math tonight?” Elizabeth said to Rachel.

  Rachel looked up. “Science.”

  “Have fun with that.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes. “Yeah, thanks.”

  Elizabeth smiled and turned back to the brochures. “One-bedrooms, huh? Well, you’ll still need furniture and such.” She glanced at me. “Will you let me help? And, you know, I have some properties—”

  “No, thank you.”

  “But that’s a lot to buy all at once, and with rent too…”

  I lowered my chin and raised my eyebrows. “Do the math.”

  I watched as she did the mental calculations, how much she used to pay for an hour of my time, multiplied by the number of working hours in a day, then multiplied by seven years. Actually, I had more than even Penny knew—I had a decent savings, especially after selling Cassie’s and my house and all the shit in it, before Penny started helping keep track of my finances.

  “Oh,” Elizabeth said. “I guess I never thought about it.”

  “Thank you, though.”

  “Let me know if you need any help picking things out.”

  “Actually…”

  She grinned. “Not a big shopper?”

  “I’m good at one thing, and shopping isn’t it.”

  She stifled a laugh.

  I still couldn’t bring myself to smile, but I liked that I could make Elizabeth laugh. Being around her made getting through the year seem possible.

  “What is it you’re good at?” Rachel asked.

  Shit. Uh…“Flirting.” It was close to the truth.

  Rachel laughed and returned to her studying.

  Elizabeth continued looking through the brochures. It was a few minutes later that she spoke again, in a quiet voice, just to me. “Um, I got a call today.”

  I’d looked up Elizabeth’s number in front of Penny—of course, she’d realize where I’d gone. Great. I didn’t want Elizabeth bothered any more than what I was already doing.

  “Don’t worry about it,” was all I said.

  She nodded and continued looking at brochures. She spent the rest of the evening interrogating me about which apartment I’d choose and then what kind of furnishings I’d need. And I actually didn’t mind. I liked being around
her and Rachel. They seemed so…normal, like the great American family, which was strange seeing as how they were anything but.

  I decided on an apartment, the one Elizabeth liked the most. She didn’t say anything about the size of apartment I was looking at, even when she came across the floor plans for the few studio apartments. After seven years in that one tiny room, anything felt big.

  Even before Rachel went to bed, I said good-night and went upstairs. I didn’t want to be alone with Elizabeth tonight, didn’t want to talk about anything more substantial than what color of upholstery I liked.

  Then morning came, and I readied myself for a day of shopping. Since it was Saturday, I’d thought about inviting Rachel to come along, mostly to tame Elizabeth’s ability to ask me questions about my situation, but she said something about going out with friends.

  Elizabeth and I took off around nine since leasing offices closed early on Saturdays. We took a look at the apartment, a small one-bedroom that overlooked a retention pond. The sounds of the Baymeadows traffic wasn’t too bad. It would be quiet at night. I wasn’t sure if that was a plus or a minus.

  After Elizabeth read through it with her expert eyes, I signed the lease. It was probably wise she was here. I would’ve signed whatever they put in front of me. I just didn’t give a shit.

  Seeing Elizabeth like this, the business side of her, was interesting. She was serious and hard-nosed. She even made them cross out a couple lines she didn’t like. It was kind of fun to watch my elegant friend be a bit of a bitch.

  After we left the leasing office, Elizabeth took me to several stores. First was a furniture store. I bought a bed, a couch, and a kitchen table. Elizabeth said it would arrange nicely. She asked if I wanted to get a TV, but I decided not to. I hadn’t watched TV in years, and I didn’t feel I was missing anything.

  Last, she took me someplace to get all the little crap—towels and plates and silverware, and anything else Elizabeth said I needed. I bought whatever color or type she seemed to like. I hoped she had a little fun.

  Around six o’clock, we trudged up the stairs to my new apartment, hands filled with bags—Elizabeth insisted on helping.

  I opened the door and remembered there was no light attached to the switch. Just barely enough light shone through the window for us to see where we were going.