I screw up my face at the shit that comes flying out of his mouth. I step an inch or two closer, disgust still residing across my face. “You revolt me. I have absolutely no idea what my friend sees in a creep like you,” I say, venom lacing my words.
“Jealous are we, Amber?”
I let out a huge verbal scoff at his ridiculous comment. “I think you’re actually really fucking deluded.” I can’t help but chuckle to myself.
“You can scoff all you want, but I’d be careful how far you push me, sweetheart,” he snarls, his eyes narrowed and glare penetrating.
“And why’s that?” I ask, my head cocked to the side as I wait for his reply.
He bends his head, until our faces are so close they are almost touching. “Because,” he drawls, exaggerating the word just as you might expect a child to. “We wouldn’t want your best friend finding out what you’ve been up to with luscious Larson.”
My mouth hangs open a little as the small smirk on his face widens to a full on, patronizing grin. “You are so full of bull,” I counteract. “Nothing happened between me and Josh. You’re just trying to cause trouble.” I know my own words are lies, but I wasn’t going to admit to anything and be held for ransom by some jumped up IT dick.
“Yeah, yeah. Sure you didn’t,” he taunts, his tone mocking. “That’s not what Josh said,” he adds.
“You’re lying,” I say with conviction. “Josh would never say that because it didn’t happen.”
“Well, I assure you he did. Maybe you were just so drunk you don’t remember.”
My anger rises in me, my heart pounding wildly as I do everything I can to stop myself from erupting.
“What, where, or who I do has nothing to do with you. Got it? So stay out of my business and out of my face before I do something I might regret,” I yell, pushing past him as I storm away. My hands shake and my breathing is irregular as the adrenaline gets my blood racing. I’m so angry, writhing even. I continue to walk with speed toward the building, never looking back at the jerk I despise more than I could possibly imagine.
I slam my hand against the door as I arrive, taking out my rage on the wooden door as I thrust it open. Molly greets me with her hand to her chest, her expression one of shock.
“Jesus, you scared me. Everything okay?” she asks, looking at me quizzically.
“Don’t mind me,” I rant. “I just had a run in with the biggest jerk-off known to man.” I’m animated as I walk through the main hall, dropping my bag down at the side of the water machine. Reaching down, I retrieve my water bottle and start to fill it from the cooler.
“Looks like you could use something a little stronger,” Molly offers, a little chuckle escaping her.
I gulp down the ice cold water, hoping it will not only cool my overheated body, but also the boiling anger I feel from my run in with Ryan. Lifting a brow, I look in Molly’s direction. “I think it’s the drink that got me into this mess in the first place.” I can’t help but sigh, my own words sinking deep and hitting me in the gut. What a mess. And the worst thing is, I have no idea how the hell I’m going to fix this.
“Oooh.” She sucks in a deep breath. “That doesn’t sound good at all.” She walks over and stands beside me, leaning against the wall.
“Well, I’m glad for the distraction and being here today. Thank you for letting me come down. I really need this right now.”
“I’ve never quite seen anyone who lives and breathes dancing quite like you, Amber. You really have a raw talent. There’s a fire in you and it’s like dancing is the oxygen you need to keep that fire alight.”
“It’s a release. A way to focus and take me away from all the shit my life has thrown at me. Foster home to foster home, never really finding where I belong. Until I started dancing. Then I felt alive and allowed myself to get lost in the music.” I shrug my shoulders. “And I know it’s the only place I truly belong.” I look up to see a sympathetic expression in Molly’s eyes. I don’t need her sympathy. This is how it is for me. I’ve never had anyone to rely upon. Never had that one family that believed in me enough to care or want to keep me. But, you know what? It didn’t matter as long as I could escape. Loosing myself in the music, shutting out the world beyond.
Shooting her a wide smile, I grab my bag. Throwing it over my shoulder, I slowly make my way over to the door that leads to the stairwell. I quickly turn my head, glancing over my shoulder. “Time to get lost.”
Caleb
I sit in my apartment waiting for Josh to arrive. Thirty minutes ago, we planned a run and I’ve been waiting anxiously ever since.
My head is a mess. Which is a joke really. My head’s always a mess, but now, after the whole thing with Amber, I can categorically say it’s well and truly fucked. I can’t sleep, I’ve barely eaten. The whole thing has me in a frenzy. I’ve done everything to calm myself. Producing artwork is my usual distraction from the world, but even that is ineffective. I’ve already worked through my emails, worked on my website, but nothing is helping.
I can’t shake the image out of my head. Amber is etched there, never to be forgotten. Her beauty, her taste, her hypnotic scent. On top of that, I have the whole mind fuck of how this even happened. How could I let myself get drawn to her, get so pulled into whatever the fuck this thing is between us? I keep telling myself it’s nothing. I can’t allow this to become anything. For as much as I’m attracted to her, this will only end in pain. I’ve never had, or even wanted a girl in my life.
Until Amber.
I shake my head in frustration as I pace back and forth, checking my watch for the tenth time. Walking over to the sink, I switch on the tap, just as I hear a gentle tap on the door. I turn off the water, heading over to let him in.
“Finally,” I mutter as I open the door. Josh greets me with a tooth revealing smile. He quickly looks down at the watch on his wrist.
“Not late, am I?” He looks at me, then back down to his wrist, then back to me. “Nope,” he sings. “Just on time.”
“Can we go?”
“What’s wrong?” he asks, stepping through the open apartment door. “Has something happened?” he quizzes.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grumble, forcing my way past him and out of the apartment. He’s right on my heel as we make our way out of the building and down the street.
“Hey, wait up, man,” he calls after me, his breaths labored. I turn to look for him, realizing just how fast I’m going. I slow my pace, just a little, allowing him to close the gap between us. I check again over my shoulder to see that he’s caught up.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says breathlessly. “I can help you if you tell me what’s going on.”
“I can’t,” I growl, coming to a complete stop.
“Why? Why can’t you?” he presses. “Give me one good reason why you can’t tell me your troubles.” As I lean forward, trying to catch my breath, he rests his hand on my upper arm.
“Because you wouldn’t understand.” I shake my head, my overworked heart thudding against my chest.
“Try me,” he bellows, his arms thrown out in animation of his words.
“I can’t tell you something I barely understand myself,” I snap. Standing up a little, I roll back my stiff neck, rubbing my palm against the back of my sweat covered head.
Narrowing his eyes, he studies my face for a second. “Is this something to do with your past? The court case?” he asks, his voice tentative and quiet. As soon as the words leave his lips, my panic rises. Moving my head from side to side, I check that no one is around and in danger of over hearing.
“No.” I let out a low growl. “I thought we agreed to never mention that?” I glare at him, my nostrils flaring with annoyance. Why the fuck did he say that?
“Man, I’m sorry. I figured that it would be something to do with that. But if not, what else could it be?” He glares at me, waiting for an answer. I don’t say anything, I only look at him. That is, until he puts his arm around my sho
ulder, pulling me down until he has me in a headlock, rubbing his knuckles roughly across my scalp.
“Get off me,” I warn, hoping he senses the seriousness in my tone.
“Not until you tell me,” he says with a chuckle.
I use as much force as possible to push him away from me until his grip around my neck loosens and I’m able to free myself from his hold.
“Just leave it, okay?”
“No.” He breathes heavily. “It isn’t okay. I know something’s wrong and I won’t give up until you tell me. You know you can trust me, man. I know more about you than any other person on this Earth. Why can’t you trust me with whatever shit is going on in your head?”
“Because it’s fucked up. Because I’m fucked up.” I sigh, pushing my hand through my loose hair. I let out a growl of frustration as Josh stands there, staring at me, waiting for answers.
“What?” I snap, shrugging my shoulders.
“You need to spill, bro. This is so out of character for you. I know you’re usually a grumpy shit, but you’re normally so in control.” He shakes his head. “I just don’t understand it.”
“She got into my head,” I mutter. “Under my skin.”
His mouth drops open, his eyes widen. “Who has?” he shrieks. “Who the hell has gotten to you?”
I turn my back on him, picking up my feet and resuming a steady pace. I hear his footsteps right behind me and soon enough, his hand is on my shoulder, pulling me to a stop.
“You can’t say something like that and jog off.” He smirks. I drop to the ground, resting on the edge of the sidewalk, sipping from my water bottle. I rest my elbow on my knee, supporting my head as I wonder how I’m going to tell him about Amber, or if I even should. The truth is, I need him. I need to share what is fucking with my head. He’s my only friend and for as much as I rarely share anything with him, I feel like I’m losing my damn mind. These feelings, these emotions are alien to me, and I have no idea how to cope with the way I’m feeling. He slides down beside me, and I watch as his eyes search my face for answers.
“It’s that fucking girl from next door,” I blurt out, regretting it almost immediately.
“Amber?” he quizzes, his eyes narrowing. “What’s she got to do with anything? What happened?”
“She got in here.” I point to the side of my head. “She made me lose control.” I sigh and my shoulders slump forward. Trying to explain this shit is just as hard as feeling it.
“How?” he presses further. “Did some shit happen?”
“You could say that.” I feel myself growing uncomfortable. I know that kissing a girl isn’t a big deal for most people, but for me it is massive. I’ve done everything I can in my short lifetime to hide from the world, to spare others from the pain and baggage that I carry everywhere I go.
“Well what then?” I can tell he’s intrigued and isn’t going to give up.
“We kissed, and now I have no idea what to do.”
“Wow, really? You guys kissed? How did that even happen?”
“Well, you know, when two people press their mouths together,” I taunt.
He shoots me a side smirk, a low grumble of laughter escaping him. “Real funny, man.” He pats me heavily on the back. “Well to say I’m shocked would be an understatement. I mean, how do you feel about her? Do you like the girl or what?”
“I don’t know how I feel,” I say honestly. “But I do know that she’s all I can think about and it’s eating me up inside. I don’t know how to handle the way my body and mind react to her.”
“Let go of the past and embrace the now. You’ve let the past drag you down for so long. You need to let go and let life happen.” His smile is wide and his words hit deep. I wish it’s that easy.
“Let’s run,” I say, trying to deflect from any further conversation. I stand up, grabbing my water bottle and turn to continue on our run toward the park. Before I know it Josh is by my side, his smile wide and genuine. I know he’s a great guy. The only guy I trust. He continues to ask questions about Amber, all of which I give silent answers to – nodding or shaking my head. He’s asking because he really does care, and it feels good. Really good. I’m fortunate to have one person who I trust and understands me despite all of my fucked up flaws. He’s been the one consistent element since my foster parents died. I miss them more than I will ever admit. But, Josh, well he’s the one reminder that keeps the good years I had with them alive. I turn my head and for the first time in years, I smile widely at him and it feels good.
Amber
After loving every minute at the studio, I finally return back home. Time seems to fly when I’m dancing, and now I’m tired, hungry, but uplifted and flying free. I love the buzz that dancing to the music gives me. Looking through the remnants of the fridge, I put together a poorly stacked sandwich. Falling back on the couch, I pull a cushion on to my lap. I dive in to my sandwich, checking my phone. I have a few missed calls from Lily, which is expected. What is not expected is the missed call from Josh. I can’t help but feel a little annoyed that he blabbed about our stupid drunken kiss, although it was never discussed that we wouldn’t tell. We never really had the chance to talk about it. Clicking on the missed call, I wait while my phone dials him back. Taking a deep breath, I try to figure out what the hell I am going to say to him.
“Hello,” he answers, his voice all but a whisper.
“Hi,” I say cautiously. “Can you talk?”
“Not really. I’m next door. You’re home, right?”
“Just got back,” I reply.
“Okay, I’ll call on my way outta here.”
“Sure,” I answer, hanging up the phone. I drop it down on the coffee table and take a huge bite out of my sandwich. Within seconds, the phone vibrates against the wooden surface of the table. I reach for it, turning it to see Lily’s name flashing on the screen. I swipe to answer, precariously resting the phone between my ear and shoulder while I continue to inhale the food my stomach so badly needs.
“Hey,” I mumble loudly, my mouth half full of food.
“Bad time?” she asks.
“Not really. I’m just eating for the first time today, so you’ll have to forgive me for talking with a mouth full of food.”
“Huh, great,” she grumbles. “Sooo, what have you been up to?”
“At the studio for most of the day. You?”
“Not much.” She lets out an exaggerated breath.
“What’s wrong? Why are you sighing?” I ask, wondering what is going on with her.
“Oh nothing. Just everyone’s been busy today. I tried calling a few times but you didn’t answer.”
I swallow down the mouth full of sandwich. “Oh I’m sorry, Lil. I forgot my phone. I take it you haven’t heard from Ryan today?” I knew I had to raise the issue of Ryan at some point and now was my chance. I’m not sure how she’s going to take it, but honestly, if it isn’t serious between them, she will understand.
“No,” she snaps a little. “Why do you ask?”
“We had a little run in today, and I have to be totally honest with you, Lil, I really don’t like the guy. He gives me the fucking creeps.”
“Oh Ryan’s harmless,” she dispels my concern, which is like fuel to the fire.
“Oh really? Well he certainly was coming on strong today, and clearly he doesn’t know when to back the fuck up.”
“Oh, he’s like that with everyone. It’s just a little harmless flirting.” She brushes off what I’m saying for the second time.
“You really don’t see it, do you?” I say with a huff.
“See what?” she says with a drone to her voice.
“That the guy is nothing but a jerk.”
“I really think you just got the wrong impression,” she adds. “I’ve known him a lot longer than you have. He’s a good guy really.”
“Urgggh,” I growl down the phone. “I can’t do this, Lil. If you’re not going to listen to me.”
“Stop,” she warns. “You
can’t get angry with me just because we have a difference of opinion.”
“It’s not opinion. It’s fact. That guy’s a jerk. End of.” I hear her grumble loudly down the receiver, but then she goes quiet. A few seconds feel like a few hours, but the silence is broken by a knock on my door.
“I have to go,” I rush out. “There’s someone at the door.”
“Who? Who are you expecting?” she interjects, her need to know apparent in her demanding tone of voice.
“It’s no one,” I stutter. “I gotta go. Bye, Lil.” I rush out, quickly ending the call and dashing over to the door. I flip the lock, opening the door to Josh. He’s standing there, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. I can’t help but smile back. There’s no denying he’s a sweet, handsome guy.
“Come on in.” I gesture with my hand.
“How are you?” He reaches out to me, placing his hand on my shoulder while kissing the side of my head without warning.
“Good. Good. You?” I ask nervously. I know I have to put this whole silly kiss behind us and explain to him it was a mistake, without hurting his feelings.
“Yeah good.” He smiles a broad smile. “I haven’t seen you since the other night. What have you been up to?”
“Oh not much, this and that,” I answer vaguely, walking away from the door and back into the main part of the apartment. “Drink?” I offer, walking into the kitchen. “I have soda, beer, and coffee? What would you prefer?” I look over to see him inspecting the shelf full of trophies and medals.
“So, dancing. It’s your thing then?” He picks them up, one at a time, reading the plaques while nodding his head.
“You have an impressive collection.”
“Hmm,” I hum in response. “Do you want a soda or something?” I ask again.
“Uh, no. I’m good, thanks,” he finally answers, tearing his attention away from my collection of trophies and walking over to me. I grab myself a can and sit beside him on the couch.
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