He pinned me with a concerned stare. "Why do you do that?" he asked pointedly.
"Do what?" I asked him in confusion.
"Try to keep the peace between us," he said with a shake of his head. "You've been doing it since they separated when we were kids. Why do you even bother? It never makes a difference."
His question caught me off guard. The pain meds were making him strangely chatty about things I didn't want to talk about. "I...I don't know," I sputtered out, not wanting to tell him it stemmed from irrationally thinking that the divorce had somehow been my fault when I was a kid. I knew it wasn't true now that I was twenty-seven and knew better, but sometimes I still felt like that eleven-year-old girl that thought she could somehow fix what she had inadvertently broken. Luckily, as the pain medicine really started to really kick in, he didn't push me to keep talking about it. I didn't know what I would have said anyway.
He laid his head back onto his pillow and let out a deep sigh. "That's better," he mumbled. "That's some good shit." He grinned and opened hazy eyes to look at me again.
"Are you going to be addicted to painkillers now?" I asked with a quiet laugh at his drugged up smile.
"It'd make for some interesting tattoos," he said as one corner of his mouth lifted into a wry smile.
"And some law suits," I added with another laugh.
"Good thing Daddy is a lawyer," Ford said sarcastically with an edge to his tone. Like he'd ever ask Dad for legal advise, when he never asked him for anything else. My laughter abruptly faded. I was just about to ask if he'd ever consider trying to work things out with our father when Jamie came back into Ford's room.
"Alright, Ford," she announced. "We've got your room ready for you, and surgery scheduled for 9 A.M." She bustled past me and approached my brother. She smiled at him the whole while, and I could tell she found him attractive. What woman wouldn't? My brother was gorgeous. "I'm going to take you upstairs now."
"Cool," he said as he gave her a slow flirtatious smile. "Do you want to keep me warm tonight, or perhaps give me a sponge bath?"
"Ford!" I blurted out in embarrassment. That pain medicine was something else. It had apparently given him word vomit, and he was spewing out whatever popped into his head. He gave me a stoned smile that was unapologetic while Jamie laughed at him.
"Sorry, Mr. Spencer," she told him in amusement, "but you're on your own up there. I only work in the ER, and I'm married."
"What a pity," he mumbled with a pout as he closed his eyes. "I was really starting to like you, Jamie."
"Just shut up, Ford," I told him in exasperation as I shook my head.
"Okay," he answered me, then fell asleep.
"Sorry," I told his nurse as she started wheeling him out into the hall. "He's not usually like that."
"Don't worry about it. It's the drugs talking," she said with a snorted laugh. "He's harmless and I've heard worse."
She told me what room number that she was taking him to, and I watched them disappear down the hall with a bone-deep sigh. Now all I had to do was keep Mom occupied until Ford woke up again. It was going to be a long afternoon.
Chapter Two
David
"Who's fucking idea was this, anyway?" Jensen swore again loudly as he ran next to me, and yet again I had to fight the overwhelming urge to smile at him. He'd been at it now for seven or eight miles, unleashing a tirade of blistering profanity as we ran, his green eyes lit up in anger and a scowl on his face. At first, I thought he was angry at me for dragging him into this half marathon, but none of it was ever directed squarely at me. That was when I realized it was merely a coping mechanism and an amusing one at that.
Despite his ire, he was doing well. Better than I expected when I asked him to do this with me this last summer. He was keeping up with my pace easily, especially considering how much more muscle he was dragging with him then I was. Not that I wasn't muscular myself, but Jensen was just a bigger guy then me.
It still shocked me that we had become the close friends we were now. I'd only known him for four months or so. He'd been dating my best friend Sydney when I got back from my almost year-long trip to the Ukraine for Doctors Without Borders as a psych nurse. The first time we met he'd been civil, but his underlying current of animosity toward me was intense. It didn't help that she didn't even tell him I existed until the day before I got home.
What I didn't know at the time was that Jensen had been lost in a nightmare inside his own head. He had lost his brother and father only a few months before I met him. He had developed PTSD from the trauma of watching his brother die in the car accident the two of them had been involved in. Then on top of that his father died from a heart attack two days later.
Now after surviving that, two heart-wrenching break ups with Sydney, and a suicide attempt that I'd saved him from, he'd come out the other side stronger and more sure of himself. He'd come a long way from the fragile broken man he'd been, and I was proud to have helped him through it and to call him a friend. When he married Sydney just a few weeks ago, I was pleased and honored to walk her down the aisle. I knew that I was giving her away to a man who would take care of her and love her like she deserved.
"This hill can go to fucking hell!" he snarled as we started up a hill at the eight mile mark. I had to agree with him. This hill was deceptively worse than it looked. It wasn't that steep, but it went on forever and my legs were burning already. It was taking all my willpower just to keep going. I was trying to focus on the road ahead instead of on my protesting lower body, when I noticed her.
I could see the back of a tall slender woman in a red hoodie running up the hill ahead of me. I couldn't see her face, but her legs were long and toned in her black running pants, and absolutely gorgeous. Her ass was mesmerizing as she moved, and I couldn't stop staring at it. She had a long thick braid of light brown hair falling down her back, and I was struck by a sudden image of it wrapped around my fist as I pulled her head backward for a hard demanding kiss. I didn't even know what her face looked like, but I wanted her even so. Another image of those long beautiful legs wrapped around my waist filled my mind, and suddenly this godforsaken hill was just an afterthought.
Then just after we had finally crested the hill, I watched it like a slow motion train wreck as some jerk shoved her out of his way when he ran past. She tripped over her friend's foot and tumbled to the ground. Without a thought, I rushed over to her. I leaned down and when I put my hand on her shoulder, I felt an almost electric shock surge through me.
"Are you alright?" I asked her, my voice sounding a lot calmer than the maelstrom of energy that was roiling inside me. She looked up at me, and the world stopped as the most beautiful, gorgeous green eyes I had ever seen stared back at me. I was struck speechless as I looked into them, because I wasn't merely looking at them anymore. It felt like I was literally looking into her, seeing an echo of my own loneliness reflected back to me. The concern I felt for her deepened as I felt her eyes pulling at my heart. It scared me to death.
"What a fucking dick," I heard Jensen blurt out next to me, and my mind rushed back to the here and now as the girl pulled her eyes away from mine. I felt lost and set adrift for a moment as I came back to myself.
"You bastard!" a female voice yelled close by, and I glanced over at the girl who had been running with the green-eyed one. She was beautiful too, but I didn't feel anything for her like I had just experienced.
Movement caught my eye, and I looked back down to see the girl struggling to get up. I helped her and ended up standing in front of her with mere inches separating our bodies. She was tall, only three inches or so shorter than my six-one height, putting her lips perilously close to mine. I took in her oval face, from her flawlessly arching brows to those big beautiful eyes and down to the most perfect full lips. I wanted to run my fingertips across them to see if they were as soft as they looked. I took in a breath to calm myself down and was struck by how good she smelled, like pears or some kind of delicious fruit.
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I took her by the shoulders and asked her if she was okay, trying to keep my hands from wandering where they shouldn't. It was a mistake. I heard her reply, but had no idea what she said as that electric surge from earlier hit me again. I took a step back and let my eyes trail down the rest of her body. She was tall and toned and perfect. I wanted to mold my body against hers. My mind conjured up erotic images of me pressing her up against a wall while I held her wrists behind her back and shoved my tongue into her mouth, claiming her, taking her. I felt my body start to shift toward her, wanting to taste her lips and feel them against mine.
"Natalie," her friend said, thankfully breaking this spell that had sucked me under, "are you hurt?" Natalie was pulled away from me by her friend, and I was left reeling and terrified by my reaction to this woman. I had told myself I wouldn't let this happen another time, that I would never let a woman get to me and rip my heart out again. I took my opportunity and fled as she turned away from me to face her friend.
I turned to find Jensen staring at me with narrowed eyes and a wry smile, but I ignored him. "Let's go," I mumbled uncomfortably as I took off back into the throng of runners, heedless of whether he followed or not. I don't know what had come over me, but I wasn't going to take the chance of getting close to any woman in a way that was more than physical. The risk was too high, the payoff nonexistent. So I did the only thing I could do. I ran like I always did, both physically and emotionally, hoping the loneliness I was cursed with wouldn't eventually destroy my soul, though part of me feared it already had.
"What the fuck was that about?" Jensen caught up with me a few moments later, with an annoyed look on his face. I wasn't sure if he was referencing what just happened with the girl or me ditching him so abruptly. Either way, I didn't want to talk about it.
"I have no idea," I told him as I looked straight ahead again. The answering silence was deafening, and after a few moments, I risked a glance his way. He was staring at me with pursed lips and a pensive expression.
"Do you know that girl?" he finally asked me.
"Nope," I answered flippantly. One of his brows rose at my succinct reply.
"It sure seemed like you wanted to get to know her."
"Well, I guess I can't sleep with every woman I meet." I forced a smile that I didn't feel at all. It's not for my lack of trying most of the time.
"That's not what I meant."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I denied, wishing we weren't having this conversation anymore.
"What the fuck ever," he grumbled and lapsed into silence. I was grateful for the reprieve, because I seriously didn't know what the hell had just happened with that girl. All I knew for sure was that I didn't want any part of what I had felt back there.
The last few miles ended up being over quickly, as my body kept going on autopilot while my mind twisted and turned. I kept seeing her face in my mind, and I banished it away every single time, but it insidiously wormed its way back in time and again. The end of the race was a blur. The next thing I knew I had a medal around my neck, and I was following Jensen through the crowd to where we were meeting Sydney. I didn't even know what my finish time had been, and I didn't care. I just wanted to get out of here to avoid the chance that I might run into Natalie again. Natalie. There was something about the way her name sounded inside my head, and I suddenly had an urge to look for her in the crowd. I caught myself before I started gawking around like a love sick puppy. Thankfully, Jensen found Sydney before I lost my mind again and actually went looking for her.
I watched Sydney run up to her new husband, her gray eyes lighting up with happiness as she jumped into his arms, her long dark wavy hair flying around her face. He wrapped her up in his arms, and they kissed each other with a passion that I knew I'd never have again. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but sometimes watching them made me think about everything I had lost last year and it just plain hurt. I was relieved when they finally broke apart. It really sucked when your two closest friends constantly and inadvertently reminded you of all the painful things you'd like to forget.
"I'm so proud of you," she told him as she placed her hands on his cheeks. His eyes softened as he looked down at her, the adoration in his face so pure and raw that I had to look away for a second.
"Thank you, baby," he told her, my eyes coming back to them to see him pull her into another embrace and burying his face in her hair. I looked away again, this time scanning the crowd for a glimpse of those green eyes that had called to me without realizing what I was doing, until Sydney addressed me.
"You're awfully quiet. Are you okay, David?" she asked with a worried expression as the two of them came up to me, their hands clutched together. She looked adorable today, in skinny jeans, a fitted gray sweater, and calf high black boots. I loved her, but like the little sister I never had. She was family and so was Jensen now.
"I'm good, sweetheart," I told her with a genuine smile. "Just tired." I noticed Jensen's knowing smirk and the amusement in his eyes. I'm sure she'd hear all about what happened when they got home. I was just happy he didn't bring it up now.
"I'm taking Jensen out for breakfast to celebrate," she said. "Do you want to join us?"
"No," I answered her, "I'm going to my mom's house in a few hours." I was thankful that I actually had plans, so I didn't have to be the third wheel. Normally, it didn't bother me, but today I just wasn't in the mood. If I had my choice, I'd go home and sit around in a melancholy stupor all day.
"Are you still coming out to see Jensen play tonight?" she asked me. Damn, I had been so lost in my head that I had almost forgotten about that. Jensen had formed a band with some friends about a month ago and tonight was there first gig, but more importantly it was his first gig without his brother. It was a huge milestone for him.
"Of course, I am." I nodded. "I wouldn't miss it." I met Jensen's green eyes and saw fear ghost across them. "You'll be fine," I reassured him with a nod. "You've got this."
"I hope so," he said doubtfully. "I've never played a gig without Jordan before. What if I lose it on stage?" Tension tightened the skin around his eyes as he looked at the ground. His fear of having a panic attack in public was a valid one, and I couldn't blame him. Especially since he was a man who hated looking weak in front of people he didn't trust. It meant a lot to me that I was one of the few people he did trust enough to share his insecurities with.
"When was the last time you had a panic attack?" I asked him, feeling calmer as I shifted my brain into work mode.
"I guess it's been over a month and half since the last one," he said as he ran his free hand through his short dark hair. It was a nervous habit of his.
"And you handled that one okay, right?" I said as I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah," he admitted, some of the tension bleeding away from his eyes. "It was the first time I visited Jordan's grave, and I handled it all by myself. It wasn't even a very bad one."
"See?" I told him with certainty. "You can handle it, if it even happens at all."
"Listen to David. He's smarter than you, and he knows what he's talking about," Sydney added with a smile as she gave our conversation some much-needed levity.
He scowled at her, but I could see his eyes dance with amusement as she looked back at him unapologetically.
"Well, Andy does call you an idiot most of the time, and he's known you longer than we have," I added with a huge grin, unable to help myself as I referenced his best friend's nickname for him. I earned myself a scowl from him as well.
"I must be an idiot for putting up with all this abuse," he growled out, but he ended up smiling despite his effort to seem offended.
"But you're our idiot and we love you," Sydney said in a patronizing tone that made Jensen and me laugh.
"Well," I said once we were done laughing at Jensen's expense, "I've got to get going if I want to get cleaned up and still make it to my mom's house on time for lunch."
"Alright," Jensen said
as I hugged his wife good-bye. "We go on at nine." I released Sydney and turned to shake his hand, but he surprised me by pulling me into a brief hug. "Thanks, brother."
"Your welcome," I said with an easy smile as I pulled away. "See you guys tonight."
I walked away to go to my car thinking that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was, but by the time I was halfway to my vehicle the name Natalie, and her gorgeous green eyes popped into my head again. A deep longing came over me, the same as when I had been touching her, and I realized just how lonely I really was as I went to drive home, alone.
**********
"David." My mother greeted me warmly as she opened the front door for me before I even touched the doorknob.
"Hi, Mom." I grinned as I stepped through the door and pulled her tiny frame into my arms. It often amazed me that this diminutive woman was where Diana and I came from, especially since my sister and I were fraternal twins. There was so much vibrant aliveness inside this woman whom I loved so much. She was barely five feet tall, with chin length dark curls and blue eyes like mine. She was dressed comfortably in a blue sweater and jeans; her feet clad only in warm soft socks.
"We'll be ready to eat in just a bit," she said as she stepped out of my arms. I followed her into the large foyer of my mom and stepfather's huge four-bedroom home. It was a far cry from the cramped two-bedroom apartment where Mom, Diana, my grandmother, and I had lived when I was little. Now she lived in a beautiful home with enough room for our entire family to stay in and a good man to spend the rest of her life with. Joe took great care of my mother and worshiped the ground she walked on. He didn't even mind that my grandmother lived in the mother-in-law suite that was on the other side of the four-car garage from the main living area. The man was a saint, and he was the closest I had to an actual father, since my biological one had never been a part of my life.
You Are My Air: Breathless Book 1 Page 3