Finding My Thunder

by Diane Munier

  But he wouldn't let me. So I went to school. I hadn't been a student for a week. I tried to care but I was lost in Algebra, I was lost in French. What did any of it have to do with my life? What did any of it matter? The love of my life was on his way to Vietnam, my father was dwindling in the hospital, Robert was going crazy needing me to pay attention to the shop and I was caught up in fornication.

  I was pretty untouchable in this state. When you don't care people seem to catch on. It was big news that Danny Boyd was back in town getting ready to go to Vietnam. Word was people barely saw him. Tahlila wanted to lash out somehow but what could she really do? Danny was still around so she couldn't get by with it. Her minions shot me dirty looks and made sounds under their breath when I passed, but why should I care? They had made a mess in my locker, torn a couple of my notebooks to shreds. I went and got the teacher and said, "My locker was vandalized while I was sick."

  It was Mrs. Spencer. She looked at the mess and folded her arms. "This has to be

  cleaned up," she said.

  "Then you need to tell Ronnie and her crew," I said back. She stared at me and I saw her for just this lonely horrible woman. She wanted to ask. I knew she would.

  "Is Danny Boyd going to Vietnam?" she said. "He was a student of mine. I like to keep track."

  "Um…yes he's going," I said.

  Then I closed the door to my locker and stepped over the notes I'd taken for various classes and went on my way.

  "This has to be cleaned up," she called.

  I ignored her.

  I said to myself, 'from now on, I'm not going to act stupid just so someone else can feel better.' I felt really happy after I decided that.

  That evening I waited in my room for Danny. Naomi was at prayer meeting. She was not speaking full sentences to me. She had tried to forbid me to stay here alone while Danny was in town, but I had not argued and come here every night anyway. She had said along the way, "You will be misjudged for what you're allowing." And I did not answer. Only her opinion mattered to me and I had already sacrificed her approval so there was no bigger price to pay. I didn't like hurting her, but I was not going to pull back from Danny.

  I was asleep when he came up the stairs into my room. He walked like always, but I left the door open for him. He didn't like that, and he locked it after himself. But I couldn't believe I'd been asleep.

  As soon as he woke me I realized he'd been fighting. I looked at his hand, even though the light was just a candle I'd left burning. His knuckles were peeled in places.

  I knew he fought Sukey. "Is he home?" I said.

  He nodded, and started to pull off his coat and then he sat on the bed beside me and tugged off his boots. He emptied his pockets on my nightstand and unbuckled his belt and unzipped and let his pants drop and he stepped out. The tail of his flannel shirt was long and he unbuttoned his cuffs and I loved the way his big hands curled, and he unbuttoned the shirt and then he crawled in with me wearing his t-shirt and his underwear and his socks.

  We were squished against each other and I felt the relief in him. He kissed me right away but he wanted to hold me more than anything and that's what I needed too. "Mrs. Spencer has a thing for you," I whispered.

  He didn't say anything. I lifted my head and looked at him and smiled. He smiled a little, and pushed my head back on his chest and we laid there. I saw the marks on his face a little better, the scraped cheek and the scratch on the other side and the puffiness to his lip.

  "What was it about?" I said.

  "It's better now," he said and his fingers were feeling through my hair.

  "When you're hurt, it hurts me," I said.

  "I know," he said.

  And we pretty much fell asleep then because it was turning into morning next time I woke up. He was just coming back in from using the bathroom.

  I could smell the soap on his face. He knew how to take care of his cuts after all the sports.

  He settled back in with me and I pressed myself as tight to him as I could. But I couldn't ignore my bladder ready to pop so I groaned and got up, and he didn't want to let me go, and I said I gotta go, and he said he was coming too and I said, no you ain't, and he acted like he was and I ran out squealing and went in the bathroom and slammed the door and there wasn't a lock. He rattled the knob and I yelled, "Don't you dare," and he was laughing and I was in a fix because the laughing made it worse and he said, "I ain't comin' in," like I was crazy to think he would, but I knew if I'd said yes he'd be there right now because there was nothing about me he didn't want to know about seemed, but I had news for him.

  And I had to go but I was worried the whole time. But when I got done he was in bed waiting for me and the minute I made it to the bed he sat up and grabbed onto me and pulled me on top of him then he fell back kissing me like fury and he threaded his fingers against my scalp and I loved that so much, and the other hand was everywhere and the way he did it, moved it along me, he made me feel beautiful.

  I lifted my head in a minute and I said, "Does it hurt?" and to answer he just pushed me back to him and locked his lips to mine and I guess he was fine. But then I could taste blood and I lifted my head again. "I taste blood."

  And he said, "So?" And went to kiss me again and I pushed back and he said, "You can take my sperm but you can't take a little of my blood? I had yours on me. I liked it."

  And I slapped against his chest a little. "You're gross." And he laughed, and he nuzzled into my neck then and kissed me all over, then he said, "That ain't all I've had either," and I knew what he meant, what he'd done at the motel, and I slapped him again and he laughed and held me to him and rocked with me and I had to laugh at his disgusting self but I was trying not to.

  We were slow and lazy then, and we did things the slowest ever, he took my t-shirt off and took about a half hour to kiss all the smiley faces on my bikini underwear then he took those off altogether and somewhere in there he was bare too, and then we were together and he didn't have the condoms, he kept them on him so we improvised and think it was my favorite so far if there was such a thing. Well I liked it all and he was very dedicated to my pleasure.

  "You show me all these things," I said when we were spent and holding each other, "then you take it all away and I've got to live like a Baptist again."

  "When I get back we can do this the rest of our lives. Can you imagine fifty, sixty years of this?"

  "What? Your balls will be down to your knees by then," I said.

  "Yeah but they'll still be workin'," he said. "And we're going to do it every night."

  "We are?" I said.

  "Yep. And sleep naked, too."

  "Every night? What if there's children. We can't sleep naked."

  "We are. And in all different ways. I get to say, but you can say too."

  "What kind of ways?"

  He moved me around like I was a doll, my head at one end of the bed and his at the other. He had my legs open and flopped over his. This way he could control how wide I opened mine and he had a good view when he raised his head. "I like this," he said.

  I laughed so much I had to roll on my side and bring my legs together.

  "That's good too," he said, eyes on my behind.

  I spun around and crawled back onto him and got close again. "You're crazy," I said.

  He kissed me then, just kissed me into a whole new day.

  Finding My Thunder 46

  Well my mail came to Lonnie's house and I hardly ever got any, but on my driver's license I used Naomi's address, the same just with the letter B behind it. But still they mixed up the mail from the house in front and the house in back all the time. Checking Lonnie's box showed a letter to my parent or guardian from the school. I was thanking the Lord I got it before Naomi did.

  Principal Brown wanted a meeting. There was a question of truancy and some failing grades. If there wasn't a response in three days the truancy officer would make a home visit.

  "Oh shit," I said. I was in my work clothes, jeans and a
flannel and my work gloves were under my arm. Danny was sitting in Lonnie's truck, engine running. He was driving, also dressed for work. The bank was seizing the shop and this was our last chance to purge out the remaining scrap before they took possession. We only knew that because Robert's sister was a teller and she knew the letter was coming.

  Danny was going to help Robert and me get some of the bigger pieces onto the truck so Robert could haul them in.

  I knew Robert had been taking scrap all along and I had to trust his accounting.

  With Danny home and the time I'd been in school, I hadn't been helping. I would've paid him well but he just handed me cash all the time, whatever he thought was fair.

  Should have been the other way around. But I was so out of the loop and desperate for the money I had no real way to check things. So I took it but I wasn't real happy.

  When we got to the shop I was stewing on the letter. I didn't want Naomi knowing what was going on with school. I didn't want to hear it. I'd fix it later, when I got done hauling scrap and when Danny was gone. It would be okay I just needed more time. I could take this letter into Lonnie in Memphis, or pretend to. That's what I'd do, I'd forge Lonnie's name on it and after this week I'd be regular in my attendance. I'd fix it…study hard. Naomi…I'd done enough to upset her.

  So when we got to the shop Robert was already there. It was looking more cleaned up, cleaned out is what. Danny whistled. "You and him do all this?"

  "No," I said, cause we had not. We'd worked in small batches, but out back here it had been cluttered, but now it wasn't. "You remember how it was out here."

  "I sure do," Danny said, "the rat motel." So we went inside and Robert was filling a barrel with any small pieces he could find.

  "They're taking possession day after tomorrow," he said like I didn't already know.

  Well that was a week away.

  "You think it's getting too stripped around here? We were going to be subtle," I said. Looked to me like he'd gotten greedy. He reached in his jean pocket then and smacked a fold of money on the table there. "Go on and count it," he said. "Two-thousand."

  "All that hers?" Danny asked.

  Robert nodded.

  "What'd you get Fucker?" Danny again. I couldn't believe he talked to Robert that way.

  "What's it to you?" I hadn't seen Robert be so serious. But he had a side.

  "It's her money," Danny said stern and loud.

  "We're splittin' it down the middle. Hell, I'm doing all the work."

  "And you're gettin' a cut to put up your veins. You're not his son you're an employee," Danny again, fierce.

  What was with these two? I was literally in the middle.

  "You complainin' Hilly?" Robert said.

  I looked at Danny. I knew I should be complaining, but without Robert I would have been hard put to load this kind of weight.

  I breathed in, feeling so much anger between them. "I feel like you should give me the money and I'll pay you fair." I kept looking at Robert, and I relaxed some. He looked mad. His eyes went to Danny and then me. He dug in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. It was fat with cash. He counted out two thousand, the same as me, but more was in there.

  "You get an invoice or receipt I can go by?" I asked.

  He shook his head. "Jack is all cash. That's what makes it doable. Lonnie may be your dad, but what we been doin' is gray and we," and he looked at Danny hatefully, "all," then back to me, "know it. I do most the work…pretty much all of it…and Lonnie's been rippin' me off for years."

  "That don't mean you can rip her off," Danny said. "She ain't done nothin' to you."

  "But this stuff is Lonnie's, and he's done plenty," Robert said, that normally sweet guy just gone now. It always amazed me how controlled he stayed with Lonnie, but there was some hate in there.

  I took the money from his hand and counted it out again.

  "It's two-thousand. You saw me count it," he said.

  Then I picked it up and stacked it again and handed it back. "Alright," I said, giving him more than I really wanted to, but his anger threw me and I knew he had been ripped by Lonnie a few times, and all the pain and suffering…but I had no idea of other things he may have taken to even the scales.

  "I appreciate you showing me the whole thing. I'm not trying to be greedy but this is all Lonnie did with his life and I don't know what we got ahead…and it is his. So…he's still the boss and the closest thing to that is me," I said.

  He looked at me briefly and something in his eyes threw me, but he put it in his wallet and shoved it back in his pocket.

  "You about got this place picked clean," Danny said. "You think he ripped you off? What about her? She's his blood."

  "Wasn't for me she wouldn't have anything," Robert said. "What you gonna do for her?"

  "Wasn't for her you'd have your naked ass and your toke. You want to have a go with me Fucker?" Danny said.

  Robert smirked, "Looks like someone beat me to it."

  "Um…could we just get done here before we get in trouble?" I said.

  It's like I stuck a pin in whatever had been blowing up.

  "We still got to make a truck for service like she wants," he said to Danny, voice drained of friendly.

  "We'll load Lonnie's truck," I said.

  "Why?" Robert asked. "Someone wants to come looking for this stuff…like the bank…your house is the first place they'll look cause darlin' they are gonna seize his assets and he owns your house. I'll take it out to my place…."

  "Where they could show up anytime to do a drug bust," Danny said.

  "You gonna Narc me out?" Robert said.

  "I was gonna do that I'd have to make a list," Danny said.

  "You try it, Vietnam ain't far enough, boy."

  "Oh…whoa," I said hands to my temples so my head didn't explode.

  Robert was pulling on his gloves again, his face like doomsday. He turned away and got back to what he was doing. "They'll get six, seven-thousand for the sheer at auction," he said, his back to me. "I figure a few more thousand for the rest. They'll want his truck, too, so anything you plan to keep…."

  Danny had his hand on me. "It'll be okay," he said. "You've got a home with Naomi, right? You've already lost that house…it's like an albatross around your neck…right? And you need some money, I'll send you some when I can. I was always gonna do that. I get an extra fifty a month for being in combat."

  "No," I said, too sharply. "The truck…that's a hard one. I…wanted to make a service truck out of it." And I just plain loved the freedom it gave me. I wanted to sell fittings and I couldn't hitchhike! I turned to Danny so Robert wouldn't hear, "I need that truck. It's my business…you know?"

  He shook his head, his eyes darting to Robert. "How about waiting for me? I get back…I'll help you do this. We can do it together. You don't want to be involved with him. Just…be a kid…be a teenager for a while and we'll save money. I saw that letter you shoved in the glove box. I know the school letterhead. I bet you're in trouble."

  I stared at him. He was way sharper than Naomi for noticing things. "I'll take care of the school stuff…but I need a job. When you get back…I hope to be going by then. Course I want you with me. I always been thinking that way."

  "You don't want to deal with this redneck. I told you he ain't no good. You can't trust him. He'll be skimmin' all the time. He's a head."

  "He's okay," I said, knowing we were not going to agree, not nearly. "He's a percentage good…like most people…just not enough sometimes…I understand…but Danny without him…the bank would have it all."

  He huffed around. "I hate the way you got to settle like that. There's no hurry to do this other, is there?"

  He didn't understand and I didn't want him to. I was tired of losing. I needed to build something. Quick. "Let's just finish this and get out of here," I said.

  We decided that Robert would take one welder with him and a certain number of tools and I would take the other and the remaining tools.

&
nbsp; So we loaded up, locked up, dropped the keys in the mailbox. There was no sentiment in it. Just a weird relief. And I thought of Lonnie back in that hospital bed and I knew this world was shifting for him, all over, one day him riding high and setting up his new life, not so long after all of it crashing down around him. All built on the sinking sand of assholery.

  I reached for Danny then. I didn't want him to go. Lord how was I going to keep myself together?

  We rode that way, quiet, all the way in to Temple. It was dark, no one around and we pulled up behind the little shed in back of the building there. He left the engine running and I told him the combination and he unlocked the brittle door and we got the welder in there and the tool box and a box of attachments and a helmet and odds and ends. We closed the door then and took off before someone could inquire.

  Well, I had criminal in me, this proved it. And I was storing my contraband at Temple. I hoped this wasn't the deal breaker with God. I hoped he understood I needed some magic beans for a new start and that's what all this was and I was getting back to the deal real soon.

  And Naomi…she didn't deserve to get someone like me for a granddaughter. I had a lot of making up to do.

  Finding My Thunder 47

  It was overwhelming to separate the last of anything I wanted out of Lonnie's house. I packed up Lonnie's stuff, his clothes and some of his personal stuff as well, the paperwork from his bottom drawer. A lot of stuff we burned in the barrel back of the house.

  Some stuff Danny helped me load to Temple and we put it in the basement for the frequent rummage sale days we held there.

  A bunch of stuff went straight to the trash. And it wasn't easy sorting through my parents' lives. That stuff was like…emotional, but the more we got rid of the better I felt.

  Good thing Naomi had a basement cause I was able to store the rest of my stuff down there. It was exhausting. Lonnie's furniture would just have to go with the house, or the bank could figure it out.