“Not too bad,” she giggles.
The dance floor quickly fills up. The second time I’m bumped into, my body goes rigid as I scan the floor, looking for the sources. Taylor squeezes my back, bringing my attention back to her.
“Maybe it’s your attire,” she yells over the music.
I looked down at my black t-shirt and jeans then back to the guy that looks like he’d robbed a boot store and shrug.
“I forgot my cowboy hat.”
She laughs, “I’m glad you did.”
I spin her, and she was more graceful this time, but there is a stiffness in the way she moves, like she knows we shouldn’t be here dancing with each other. I don’t care about the past, or where we might be when we’re back in reality, all I care about was this silly, drunken girl stepping on my feet.
She looks up at me, her green eyes come to life as she laughs, and it happened. I was falling in love with her before, but I hit rock bottom. I could never love her, or anyone else, the way I love her in this moment. I’d do anything to protect her, whatever that meant doing, I’d do it.
I scan the room, searching for Lea. She’s standing by the bar, talking with those guys. They look carefree, like it was effortless to have a good time.
I couldn’t be carefree. I had too many places to be, and too many people to protect. It was time to go. The song comes to end, and another one begins as I loosen my grip and step away. I couldn’t hide the look on my face. I know it is obvious when her’s mirrors my feelings.
“I need to get on the road.”
She looks around searching for Lea, when she finds her by the bar, she nods. “I’ll walk you out.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and walk behind her to the parking lot. Once outside, the music fades, and I could move; I could think. When she sees my car, she slows and waits for me to catch up.
The black dress I hate, cling to her like a second skin, and she wore a pair of heels that belonged to Lea. I kept my hands in my pocket, knowing I would touch her if I don’t restrain myself.
I lean my back against my car and she comes to my side, studying me. My mood has soured in an instant and I know she was wondering if it was her. The truth is, I’m kicking myself for coming here, or at the very least, letting her see me here. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and it panics me.
I’d hear rumors that something has happened to Joel. I look for him at school, but he is nowhere to be found. I figured he’d had the shit beat out of him and didn’t want to show his face. He’ll be pissed at me, but the truth is, he brought it on himself. He’s been shady to Jay since he started; he always used the supply and always came up short. For some reason Jay liked him and his sadistic personality, but this time might be different. I hope he learns his lesson and moves on, but for the time being, I don’t want Taylor around.
Taylor tugs on my hand, bringing me back to reality. “Where’d you go?” She asks.
I rub the back on my head and took a step away. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“Your problems are mine. You know that, right?”
They’ve recently become your problem, no thanks to my dumbass. “I don’t want them to be.”
“If we’re going to try, we can’t have any more secrets.”
I look at her big, hopeful eyes and smile. I know she thinks if I tell her everything, we’ll be okay. The truth is, she’d leave me. This time it’s different, I’ve got everything under control, and in a few days when this is all over, we’ll be fine.
The corner of my mouth twitches. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting you to say that.”
I walk back and lean against the car beside her. She wraps her arms around me, and I stand there like a statue. I know if I touch her, I couldn’t leave. I just need a few days to have control.
“I wanna go back with you,” she pleads.
I sigh. If I say yes and something happens to her, I’d never forgive myself. If I say no, she may not forgive me later on.
“Someone needs to stay and babysit Lea,” I say with a chuckle, hoping she’d buy it.
She takes a step from me and plants her hands on her hips. “Are we back to this?”
“C’mon Taylor, I’ve told you why I want you here. It’s just two more days.”
“You told me to stop freaking out in there,” she says, pointing to the building. “So, you’re either lying and it’s worse than you say or you don’t want me to come back.”
I shake my head. “You’re wrong. I’d rather be safe than sorry.”
“You wouldn’t let anything happen to me! I just don’t understand why I can’t come back!”
Frustrated, I rub the back of my head and fish the keys from my pocket. She saw me take them out and her eyes narrow, but it’s better for her to stay and be piss at me, then something to happen.
“Taylor, we’ve been through this. I have an early class in the morning.”
I shove the key in the lock and open my door. Before I could get in, she slams it shut and walks to my side.
“I know you’re lying,” she says as she crosses her arms over her chest. She has every right to be mad at me, but the angrier she gets, the harder it is to contain my temper. Our roles have reversed. I know I’m the one to blame for how she’s acting. I’ve made her lose trust, but fuck if it doesn’t piss me off.
“What happened in there? You were fine! And just like that,” she snaps her fingers, “You change your mind and leave. I can’t keep doing this. I think the worst every time this happens!”
She shakes her head, angrily pacing back and forth. With no one around, I let her blow off her anger and vent. It’s better she does it with me than someone else.
“I just keep thinking maybe you’re going back to get drunk, or use…Or maybe this thing is worse than you say and the guy is actually coming after you.”
Stopping her, I grab her shoulders and force her to look in my eyes. “I’m done with all of that shit.”
She looked down at the ground. “Is that guy after you?”
“No, just Joel, but he’s going to be pissed.”
“Is he after me?”
I grab her chin, making sure she hears me. “I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
“I don’t want you to hate me, but I have to go.”
Her eyes narrow. I know she’ll never understand, but it sucks that she’s pissed when I’m trying to do the right thing.
“Bye Hayze,” she says, clipped.
She turns on her heels and storms away. Without thinking, I catch her by the wrist. She stops and watches me, waiting for me to fight for her. But I stand still, unable to talk or think of anything to say.
Ask me to stay, I won’t say no.
Ask to come with me again. I can’t say no to the look you’re giving me.
“Do you want me to walk you inside?” I ask and her face falls.
“No,” she shakes her head, angrily. “You’ve done enough.”
This time she walkes away and I let her. I slide in my car and start the engine. I don’t drive off until she was inside. I clench my fist, ready to swing at anything I can reach, but I stopped myself. I’ve been working on my temper, so far, it’s not working; I’m still angry all of the time. If this is the right thing to do, why does it suck so fucking much?
“Hayze, honey, is that all you’re eating?” My mother asks, scowling at my plate.
“I’m fine,” I grumble.
“The girls are coming home today. You must be excited to see Taylor.”
“I am,” I say.
She ruffled my hair as she passed by. “You never were a morning person,” she laughs.
I came here as soon as Taylor and Lea left. I said it was to protect her, but I knew no one would bother my mom. No one knows where she lives, and as far as Joel and Jay know, I don’t speak to her anymore.
I shovel in another bite of cereal, taking my time. I don’t want to go to class without Taylor there again today, but I was trying to motivate myself to
get ready.
“Hayze, wasn’t that guy your roommate?” My mom ask.
My blood runs cold. “What?”
I turn in my chair and find her in the living room in front of the T.V. The station is local news with alerts running across the bottom. I walk over.
“Turn it up,” I say.
She hits the volume until I could make out the reporter’s words. “…. Missing for three days. The family is asking anyone with information about his disappearance to come forward to local police.”
I pick up a cushion from the couch and chunk it across the room. “Goddammit, Joel!”
My mom walks toward me with her hands raised in front of me, trying to calm me down. “Honey, I know you’re upset, but can you keep the yelling and throwing to a minimum? Glenn worked all night and…”
I laugh once. “Fuck, Glenn. He’s nothing to me. Never has been.”
“Hayze, that’s not fair, you know he’s tried,” she says, trying to talk me down.
“He’s tried? Are you fucking kiddin’ me? He used to talk shit about my dad in front of me! And he kicked me out!”
The look on her face makes me regret saying it. “I thought we were over that. You know why you had to leave, Hayze. And we were right, look how far you came. We couldn’t support your old lifestyle.”
“I’m over it, but don’t tell me that guy gives a fuck about me… and the feeling’s mutual,” I say.
I walk to my old room and my mom follows behind me. I grab my things and walk to the front door. I can almost hear the wheels turning in her head as she looks for something to say to me.
“Well, don’t leave upset,” she says, sniffling. “I love having you back in my life so much. I don’t want it to end.”
I hug her on my way out. “It won’t end.”
“I’m so sorry about your friend. I hope everything’s alright,” she says, trying to make things right.
“Everything’s fine.”
I wave once as I drove from her house. My mom watches my car until I can’t see her anymore. I may take one step forward, but I always take two steps back. Two days ago I had Taylor and my mom back in my life, today it’s slipping from my grip. If Glenn heard us, he’ll convince my mom I’m using again, and if Taylor finds out Joel’s missing, she may change her mind about me. As I turn in the university parking lot, I wonder if I should tell her or pretend I didn’t know.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Taylor
I walk through the café, searching for the familiar face. I find him sitting in a corner booth, engrossed in the menu. He looks at me as I walk his direction, and stands up. He gives me an awkward, side hug before sitting on the opposite side of me.
He always looks the same; his hair is combed to the side and his button down shirt is tucked neatly in his jeans. A part of me wants to ruffle his hair and mess up his well-thought-out-clothing before talking to him.
“Sorry I’m late, I just got back from Houston with a friend,” I say.
Joseph’s brows bumped together, pushing his face into a scowl. “What friend?”
I roll my eyes. “His sister.”
“Have you talked to your mom?”
“No, why?” I ask, panicked.
He sighs, “Your dad moved in with some lady and he resigned as pastor…Well, he was forced to resign.”
I laugh, “That’s hilarious.”
“Taylor, be serious. Your mom is probably hurting,” he says, scowling at me.
I shake my head. “No, she’s not. For the first time in years, he can’t hurt her.”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay with everything.”
“I’m more than okay with it,” I say. “So, was this the big emergency?”
He shrugs his shoulders and picks his menu up. “Pretty much.”
The waitress comes over and gets the orders from us. I check my phone neurotically, but nothing came through from Hayze. He had to know we were back by now.
“What’s going on in your life?” Joseph inquires.
“Nothing new…I actually have to go to work soon.”
“I know,” he says and nods to my shirt.
“I’m thinking about something else…I don’t know if it’s something that’s going on in my life,” I say, thinking about backing out of telling him.
“Spill it,” he says.
“I’m thinking about transferring.”
I watched his face as the information processes in his head. His face is unreadable. “Where?”
“Far, far away,” I say, smiling.
“Why?”
“Too many bad things have happened here,” I say.
He points at me, getting frustrated. “If it’s because of him…”
I laugh, “It’s not.” But if it was, I’m not sure what he would do about it.
“I just wanna get away from this place and start over. It’s been a rough year; I guess I want a fresh start,” I say, shrugging.
“So, is this guy going with you?”
That’s the question of the year. “I haven’t asked him yet.”
He rolls his eyes and sighs. “But you’re going to ask him to?”
“If we talk about it and it’s what we both want, yeah I’ll ask him and he’ll go with me.”
He looks at me as if I’d grown two heads. “You need a fresh start from our town, so you leave without telling me. You need a fresh start from here, so you ask a guy that’s caused you too many problems to count, to go with you. I don’t understand who you are anymore.”
“I’m who I always was…I just couldn’t be myself then.”
He shakes his head and we eat in silence. Even the waitress could feel the tension; she couldn’t get away from the table fast enough when she checked on us.
He follows closely behind me as I walk to my Jetta. I stop and open my door, but the gravel behind me crunched as he grows near. I turned and found his face inches from mine. He leans in, wraps his arms around me and presses his lips to my mouth. Pushing him, I step back, breaking the embrace.
“I just wanted to give you something to think about before you go back.”
I stare at him, confused. “What?”
“I know you were in a bad relationship and you’re freaked out, but you know I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“I think I made myself clear inside, Joseph,” I say, pointing to the restaurant.
“You did, and I wasn’t going to say anything. But come on, can you honestly say you don’t miss me?”
“Not in that way,” I say, shaking my head.
“You’re going through a lot with your dad and this guy. But Taylor, I’ll wait for you.”
“I get it. We haven’t hung out in a while and you’re comfortable with me, but please don’t mistake that for feelings…You deserve so much more. Ask a girl out. Give all of this time, you’ll see I’m right.”
“I don’t know,” he says, looking at the ground, he kicks gravel around, stalling.
“I do. I didn’t realize how shitty it was just to leave you like that. I’m so sorry for that. Call me after you work through it, okay? We’ll always be friends.”
“Okay,” he says with his mouth perched to the side.
I sit in my car and watch him get in his truck and drive away. Sighing, I fall back in the seat, exasperated. I never thought about his feelings when I ended things with him so abruptly. I thought I was doing the right thing by dating him, but everything changed so quickly. I dumped him weeks before leaving for college, and that wasn’t right on my part. He deserved an explanation. He deserved closure.
When I get back to the apartment, Hayze’s car was parked in front of our building. My stomach stirs with nerves as I walk to the front door. He’s sitting on the couch, watching T.V.
“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting,” he says. He stands, grabs his keys and walks out the door.
“Sorry, I grabbed a bite to eat.”
I follow him out to
the car and sit in the passenger seat. “You could’ve waited…We always eat for free at work,” he says, throwing a grin my direction. Something was off with him, and that was obvious.
“Joseph called and wanted to tell me the latest drama on my dad,” I say, laughing it off. He’ll get mad, but I want to be honest with him.
Without a word, he pulls in Mystic and slams the car in park. He rubs his hand over his face, frustrated, but silent.
“Say something,” I urge.
“I say it every-fucking-time you see him and it doesn’t do any good. Why should I say it again?”
“And I tell you every time, we’re only friends. I want him as a friend, forever…He’s always been in my life.”
“I get it…He’s always been there for you…He’s always been around,” he says, clenching his teeth. “Why can’t you see it my way?”
“I do! I just need you to trust me,” sighing I continue, “He kissed me.”
“He kissed you?” He asks, stressing each word.
I nod my head. “I pushed him off…I didn’t kiss him back.”
He props his elbow against the window and rests his head. Before I could talk myself out of it, I swing my leg over the console and straddle his lap.
“Something’s bothering you. What is it?” I put my hands on each side of his face and make him look at me.
“If I kill your ex-boyfriend, I’ll go to prison and someone else will take my place,” he says. I gave him a pointed look and he laugh. “From here out, I’m gonna be honest with you.”
Any hint of joking that was on his face before, is long gone. “I want you to be honest with me.”
“Not always,” he says, shaking his head. “Joel’s been missing for three days.”
“What do you mean missing? Have you been trying to get in touch with him or what?”
“I saw it on the news today,” he says, once again, breaking eye contact with me.
“Is he okay?” I ask, scared to know the answer, but I need to know the truth.
“I don’t talk with any of those guys and I’m sure as hell not getting involved now…But my guess is no. If he’d been missing a day after their visit, I’d say he’s probably fine, but it’s been three days.”
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