by K. J. Parker
For a moment, Poldarn wondered if he ought to be keeping an eye out for crows, in case this was a bad dream or a memory. (And what ought he to think if he did see one? Just the place for them, after all, this close to the edge of the big wood; in fact, he was surprised there weren’t any. Or was it the case that crows really only existed in dreams? He doubted that.) ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I’m not sure. Maybe we really ought to at least try the charcoal outfits, just in case they’re hiring. After all, it couldn’t do any harm just asking, could it?’
‘Well, actually,’ Chiruwa replied awkwardly, ‘the others’ve more or less made their minds up about it, so I don’t suppose there’d be any point. I mean, you can suggest it if you like, but I don’t imagine they’ll listen to you.’
Poldarn figured he knew why. They’d never had any intention of going to the colliers’ camps looking for work. This had been the plan all along. Odd that he hadn’t figured it out for himself. ‘Is this what you usually do, then?’ he asked. ‘Whenever there’s a lay-off at the foundry, or when you feel like a change of pace?’
‘Oh no. Well, not me personally; this’ll be, what, my third or fourth time. Some of the guys come up this way quite often, that’s how they know there won’t be any soldiers or armed escorts. We know what we’re doing, if that’s what’s bothering you.’
It’d be a good idea, Poldarn decided, to pretend that it was. ‘Well, if you’re sure,’ he said.
‘Quite sure,’ said Chiruwa. ‘It’ll be like hop-picking, you take my word for it.’ (Well, Poldarn thought, Chiruwa did have an honest face.) ‘We’ll get all the food and supplies we need, and a bit of spending money as well; and long before they can send anybody out after us we’ll be back home down on the plain, with no one any the wiser. I mean, if you’re wandering about in a godforsaken place like this, you’re practically asking to be robbed, people expect it. Far as they’re concerned, it’s just bad luck, like breaking an axle.’
At that, Poldarn nodded and changed the subject. He was wondering whether it’d be possible to slip away before they reached the woods and maybe head for the charcoal camps. The man he’d stayed with, Basano, would probably find him a job, or maybe just let him hang about for a few weeks – he hadn’t seemed to mind the prospect of Poldarn waiting there until the wagons left, time didn’t seem to matter much to the colliers. Come to that, maybe he’d be better off staying there for good; if he sloped off from the robbing party, it was possible they wouldn’t be too pleased to see him when he got back to the foundry when work resumed there, particularly if something went wrong with their plans, such as an unexpected column of soldiers – they’d assume he’d betrayed them or something. Or maybe it’d be better to stay with the party and keep his head down. He didn’t like the prospect of cold-blooded robbery, but there were worse things, and he had a bad feeling he’d done most of them. It was, after all, a matter of survival in a hard country in a bad season. And the world was full of predators: eagles and lions and bears, all of them doing nothing worse than making a living.
(He couldn’t believe he’d thought that; hearing himself suggest such a line of argument was the most worrying aspect of the whole business. It had come quite naturally, like reaching out in the dark for something he knew was there. Even so; even so. If he went to the colliers’ camp and told them he needed work or a place to hang out while the foundry was closed down, it’d be as good as betraying the others; because the colliers would know that men from the foundry had been in those parts, and when news of the robberies filtered through to them, they’d have to be stupid not to draw the obvious conclusions. It would be betrayal; and which was worse – to betray his friends and colleagues, or to persuade a few wealthy merchants to share their good fortune with others less favoured than themselves? And of course the people they’d be robbing would be the rich, because the poor don’t have anything to steal . . . Even so. Even so.)
‘I guess you’re right,’ Poldarn said. ‘And we’d only be taking what we need, wouldn’t we?’
Chiruwa nodded enthusiastically. ‘It’s a way of life in these parts, really,’ he said. ‘I mean, if this was a civilised place, with towns and places where you could find work, there wouldn’t be any need. But we’ve all got a right to live, is what I say. Isn’t that right? I mean, one man’s as good as another, there’s no reason we should starve when there’s people who’ve got more than they need. You’ll see, usually they’re quite good-natured about the whole thing.’
He’ll be telling me they enjoy the thrill of the chase next. ‘It’s all right,’ Poldarn said, ‘I’m not bothered about it, so long as nobody gets hurt. That’s the main thing, isn’t it?’
(And he thought: it is all right, because I know what I’m doing; and besides, I’ve done worse. I was happy enough swindling peasants, when I was being the god in the cart. I’ve killed soldiers for getting in my way, I’ve killed sword-monks just to please my distant cousins, I killed my best friend for stealing back his own horses. Compared to what I’ve done when I was sure I was doing the right thing, stealing a few quarters beside the road is practically an act of charity and conscience. I have nothing to prove to anybody. I am who I am, and that’s fine.)
Two days in the highway-robbery business were enough to convince Poldarn that he’d been worrying unnecessarily.
Their first victims looked a likely enough prospect; a man and a woman, elderly and mildly shrivelled, driving a large covered cart slowly along one of the main droves leading up to the forest roadways. Anybody with eyes in his head could see they were farmers, and since they were going up the hill, it stood to reason that they were taking their surplus produce to the colliers’ camps, undoubtedly (this was Poldarn’s private assumption) to sell them to a captive market at grossly inflated prices.
Once they’d stopped the cart, however, and managed to get across to the old man (who was deaf) and the old woman (who appeared to speak no known language and at least three unknown ones) that this was a robbery, not a request for directions, they were surprised and extremely annoyed to find nothing in the back of the cart except empty sacks. Eventually, the old woman contrived to explain that they were on their way to pick up their village’s quarter-year supply of charcoal, which had already been paid for. Since vigorous searching failed to produce a single coin, Chiruwa had no choice but to take their word for it and send them on their way, with a rather sad request that they shouldn’t tell anybody about the incident.
The next cart they stopped wasn’t empty. On the contrary; once they’d peeled back the thick covering of hides tied down tight with about a mile of best jute rope, they found it was piled high with exceptionally rich and pungent goat manure. For some reason the carter didn’t mention this until it was too late; then he explained that he was taking the stuff to the government supply depot at Tin Chirra, where the superintendent was reportedly stockpiling dung of every type and description for eventual onward shipment to the foundry at Dui Chirra . . .
Before anybody could stop him, Chiruwa pointed out that he and his party had just come from the Dui Chirra foundry, which was deep enough in shit already without needing any more. It was only later, when the cart had continued on its way and Chiruwa was asking why everybody was scowling at him like that, that someone explained to him exactly why telling their victims where they’d just come from was a bad idea. The point wasn’t wasted on Chiruwa, who was all in favour of chasing after the dung-wagon and killing the carter to keep his mouth shut. Nobody else seemed to think that way, however, and the matter was eventually allowed to drop.
(‘Though what they want with all that stuff over to Tin, God only knows,’ someone pointed out. ‘It’s not like they grow any crops there, and what in buggery else can you use it for?’)
Somewhat disillusioned and extremely hungry, the robber band was just trying to make up its group mind whether to stop where they were and try and snare a rabbit or two, or whether to carry on down the road for an hour or so to the trout-haunted Star river,
when a horseman galloped up the drove and right through the middle of them. There was no way they could have stopped him, but fortuitously his horse caught sight of Rusty Dancuta’s nasty little dog, which he’d insisted on bringing with him. Why a large horse was so mortally afraid of such a small, ratlike dog nobody knew; but it bucked, reared and hurled its rider off into a clump of wild honeysuckle before leaving the road and darting off among the trees, where it was quickly lost to sight.
On examining the rider, who’d clumped his head and fallen fast asleep, Chiruwa and his desperadoes discovered that he was carrying a large, fat linen bag, stuffed full to bursting with coins. That was more like it, even though the coins proved to be small green coppers rather than the smart Imperial gold grossquarters they’d been hoping for.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ the rider asked, sitting up and staring at them while they counted the take.
Chiruwa laughed theatrically and told him they’d stolen his money and were counting it. Fine, the rider said, you crack on and help yourselves; because even if the money was still legal tender, instead of obsolete issues now being called in to be taken to Tin Chirra and melted down, there’d be maybe just enough to buy each member of the robbing party half a small loaf each for a day. Alternatively, he went on, if they cared to catch up with his horse and fetch it back, in the saddlebags they’d find a good heavy stash of government biscuits, the sort the soldiers took with them on long route marches. He’d packed them for his own use just in case the Hope & Endurance had shut down for the wet season before he reached it; but as things had turned out, the inn (famous for its smoked lamb and pickled black cabbage) had still been open, and he’d pigged out to such an extent while he’d been there that he wouldn’t be able to face another mouthful till he reached Tin Chirra.
‘Tin Chirra?’ someone asked. ‘What’s there?’
‘Government supply depot,’ the rider said. ‘I’m the new supply and requisitions clerk. Who’re you, then?’
They found the horse eventually; and government biscuit turned out to be just about edible, smashed and ground into dust and mixed with water to make porridge. After they’d parted from the clerk it started to rain.
Next day was no better. First catch of the day was someone Poldarn had met before—
‘Hello,’ she said, peering down at him through the mail-coach window. ‘I know you, I’m sure I do. You were going to Scieza—’
She was still dressed in a man’s shabby coat several sizes too big for her, and the same cracked old leather travelling hat. She was also still nursing the wicker basket. The smell hadn’t got any better, either.
‘Hello yourself,’ Poldarn muttered. ‘You said you were on your way to Falcata. To see your son,’ he remembered, God only knew why.
‘I was,’ she replied solemnly. ‘But unfortunately there was some dreadful mistake about money – they said I hadn’t paid my fare, and I had, I remember it distinctly; and they made it sound like I was deliberately trying to deceive them, and I couldn’t do something like that, really I couldn’t, and they put me off the mail at Cardea, and there I was, stuck, because of course I’d spent all my money on the fare, because of course my son will be meeting me at Falcata, so I didn’t need any for the journey. Anyway, it was quite dreadful, and I don’t know what I’d have done if a kind gentleman hadn’t given me nine quarters at Cardea lodge, which meant I could catch this coach, but it’s only going as far as Chacquemar, and what I’ll do then I have no idea—’
Poldarn could only think of two ways of shutting her up; and, since he’d resolved that he wasn’t going to kill anybody, no matter how annoying they were, he had no option but to go with the other alternative. He stuck his hand in his pocket and brought out two of his four remaining gross-quarters. ‘Here,’ he said, ‘this ought to get you from Chacquemar to the city.’
‘Oh.’ The old bat looked quite startled, even shocked. ‘But no, that’s far too generous, I couldn’t possibly. And besides, I’d worry so much till I’d paid you back. Of course,’ she added quickly, ‘my son will be delighted to send you the money as soon as I reach Falcata, if you’ll give me your address.’
Clearly she hadn’t quite grasped the fact that Poldarn and his friends were highway robbers. True, there wasn’t much about the way they’d gone about handling this holdup to suggest it. ‘Forget about it, please,’ Poldarn said. ‘In fact, here’s another,’ he added, sticking a third coin in her hand. ‘You’ll need to get something to eat – it’s a long road.’
She smiled at him. ‘Oh, I hardly eat anything any more,’ she replied. ‘It’s one of the best things about getting old, if you ask me. But thank you ever so much, and would you mind awfully if I bought some millet and corn and seed for Slowly and Surely – my little darlings,’ she added, pointing to the wicker basket. ‘They’re fast asleep at the moment, bless them, or I’d open their basket and you could say hello to them. They haven’t had anything but horrid old crusts and breadcrumbs since we left Aleomacta.’
Poldarn closed his eyes just for a moment. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘As far as I’m concerned you can treat them to haddock roe and smoked eels, just so long—’
‘Oh, they wouldn’t like that. They don’t eat fish.’
‘Really. Well, have a safe trip.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want my son to send you the money? I really do feel—’
‘Goodbye,’ Poldarn said, and he stepped back, slapping the lead horse hard on the rump. It started and broke into a trot. Poldarn turned, pulled his axe out of his belt and faced the rest of the desperadoes.
‘Not one word,’ he said.
After that it rained heavily for the rest of the morning and all afternoon. A lumber cart and a small chaise went by, but the desperadoes couldn’t be bothered to leave the shelter of the trees. Besides, as Chiruwa pointed out to nobody in particular, where was the point, it’d only end up costing them money . . .
Just before sunset the rain stopped, and the robbers debated what they should do next. A significant faction were in favour of calling it quits and making for the colliers’ camp, where at least they’d be sure of finding a nice warm fire, even if they struck out where food and beer were concerned. A slender majority, however, held out for staying put and waiting to see what the morning would bring; Poldarn’s being the deciding vote. Mostly, he guessed, it was the shame of having been seen in the act of gratuitous charity; partly, though, he was concerned that the colliers might have heard rumours about the spate of robberies on the road. Crimes were still crimes, and ludicrous ineptitude was no defence. Besides, it was quite possible that one or other of their victims, in telling the tale of his adventures, might have altered the facts slightly, preferring to attribute his escape to cunning or valour rather than the fecklessness of his assailants. Accordingly, the gang held their position and huddled down in what little shelter they could find. It rained hard all night, needless to say.
Poldarn was sure he’d only just closed his eyes after many hours of wet, sleepless misery when someone grabbed him by the shoulder and hissed at him to wake up.
‘Coach,’ Chiruwa was whispering. ‘Come on, get up.’
Poldarn yawned and stumbled to his feet. The coach, which he could see quite clearly through the dripping branches, had slowed down to ford a shallow stream that crossed the road. It was rather a splendid affair; painted blue and yellow, with a fine canopy of waxed brown leather, and drawn by four good-looking horses. The driver perched on the box was wearing a fine grey cloak and a new-looking black felt hat.
‘Money,’ someone murmured. ‘I mean, just look at the buggers.’
Poldarn could see his point; after all, how could it be fair for rich bastards to bounce happily up and down the roads in well-fed, dry comfort, while poor starving thieves had to sleep out in sodden rags? They’d see about that.
It wasn’t till the coach was right up close that it occurred to the gang that this was their first serious attempt at practising their craft. Nobody
really knew what to do. Even if they all jumped out in front of the coach there was no guarantee it’d stop, and they could get hurt that way. What they should’ve done, Poldarn realised, was block the road ahead with a fallen tree, then take the coach from the rear as soon as it stopped. No time for that now. It was jumping out in front, or nothing.
‘On three,’ Chiruwa said, but nobody heard him; they were already on their feet and scampering out onto the road, waving their arms and shouting. It turned out to be a good manoeuvre; the driver must have assumed they were warning him about some hazard ahead on the road, because he pulled up as they approached, and asked them what the matter was. Then Chiruwa yelled out, ‘Shut your face, this is a hold-up,’ and things started to go rather badly.
The driver was pushed abruptly aside and men started crawling out from under the canopy onto the box, and jumping down. There proved to be eight of them, big men with swords and matching helmets. It was at this point that the desperadoes began to wonder whether they were adequately equipped for the job in hand.
True, they all had something that’d pass for a weapon: some had hammers, Chiruwa had a knife with a blade a foot long, and Poldarn had his short axe, the one he’d found in the ditch where he’d killed the crows. They also outnumbered the coach escort, eleven to eight. In theory, they had the advantage. It just didn’t feel that way at the time.
The hell with it, Poldarn told himself; suddenly, the picture was starting to look depressingly familiar, the pattern emerging. He should, of course, never have tagged along in the first place. Now it was time to leave, as quickly as possible, before he got hurt or killed anybody. He turned and ran back into the wood, as fast as he could go without crashing into a tree or tripping on a fallen branch.