by Dan Gutman
My Weird School #14
Miss Holly Is Too Jolly!
Dan Gutman
Pictures by
Jim Paillot
To Emma
Contents
1 Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa
2 Weird Words
3 Santa Klutz Is Coming to Town
4 Secret Santa
5 Learning How to Speak Spanish
6 The Opposite of Hanukkah
7 Is Santa Claus Real?
8 Getting Ready for the Holiday Pageant
9 The Most Horrible Thing in the History of the World
10 My Genius Idea
11 The Arrival of Secret Santa
12 The Big Holiday Pageant
About the Author and the Illustrator
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa
“Me llamo A.J. y odio la escuela.”
That’s “My name is A.J. and I hate school” in Spanish.
Miss Holly translated it for me. She’s the Spanish teacher at Ella Mentry School.
“It’s not fair,” I said as our class walked down the hall to the language lab. “Why do we have to learn a whole nother language?”
“‘Nother’ isn’t a word, Arlo,” said Andrea Young. “You can’t even speak English correctly.”
Andrea is this girl in my class with curly brown hair who thinks she knows everything. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.
“‘Nother’ is too a word,” I told her.
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
We went back and forth like that for a while. Andrea said she looked up “nother” in the dictionary once, and it wasn’t there. She’s probably the only kid in the world who keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.
“‘Another’ is a word,” Andrea said, “but not ‘nother.’”
“Oh yeah?” I said. “If ‘nother’ isn’t a word, then why did you just say it?”
Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her.
Andrea was wearing this dumb hat that she made all by herself in her knitting class. Andrea takes classes in everything. She probably even takes a class in how to be annoying, because that’s the one thing she’s good at.
After walking a million hundred miles, we finally got to the language lab. What a dumb name. Labs are supposed to have test tubes and mad scientists and hunch-backed guys named Igor who limp. Our language lab is just a plain old room where we learn Spanish. What’s up with that?
“Isn’t learning Spanish fun?” Andrea said to her crybaby friend Emily. “I hope Miss Holly teaches us—”
She didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence because at that very second Miss Holly danced in the door.
Miss Holly was playing a guitar and she had a big basket of fruit on her head. She was singing some crazy song and spinning around and stamping her feet. Her red dress had pictures of reindeer on the back. On the front were blinking lights and the words “Happy Holidays!”
When she finished the song, Miss Holly yelled, “Olay!” which is the name of the stuff my mom smears on her face at night.
“¡Feliz Navidad!” Miss Holly said. “Happy Hanukkah! Kwanzaa Yenu Iwe Na Heri!”
“What the heck does that mean?” I asked.
“That means Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa!” Miss Holly replied.
“Which holiday do you celebrate?” asked Emily.
“Me?” said Miss Holly. “I celebrate all of them!”
If you ask me, it was a little early to be talking about the holidays. I mean, we just came back to school from Thanksgiving break a few days ago. Miss Holly is too jolly.
“I love all the holidays!” Miss Holly said. “I can’t wait for December!”
“My favorite holiday is Halloween,” said Neil, who everybody calls the nude kid, even though he wears clothes.
“My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving,” said my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that is not food.
“My favorite holiday is my birthday,” said my other friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
Everybody started shouting out their favorite holiday.
“What’s your favorite holiday, A.J.?” Miss Holly asked me.
“My favorite holiday is Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” I said.
“That’s for girls,” Andrea said. “Why is that your favorite holiday, Arlo?”
“Because you’re not here,” I replied.
“That’s mean!” Andrea said. She crossed her arms and wrinkled up her face.
She was right. It was mean. That’s why I said it!
I hate her.
2
Weird Words
“¡Hola!” Miss Holly said. “Today we’re going to learn Spanish vocabulary words.”
“Yay!” said the girls.
“Boo!” said the boys.
“The first word is ‘toupee,’” said Miss Holly.
I know what a toupee is. It’s fake hair that guys wear so they won’t look bald. Our principal, Mr. Klutz, should get one because he’s as bald as a bowling ball.
“The Spanish word for ‘toupee’ is el peluquín,” said Miss Holly.
“El peluquín,” we all repeated.
“Good,” said Miss Holly. “The next word is ‘lifeguard.’ The Spanish word for ‘lifeguard’ is el salvavidas.”
“El salvavidas,” we all repeated.
“Good,” said Miss Holly. “The next word is ‘toilet.’ The Spanish word for ‘toilet’ is el inodoro.”
“El inodoro,” we all repeated.
This was getting weird. I figured Miss Holly would teach us words we’d use every day, like “When do we eat?” or “Where is the skate park?” But she was teaching us weird words instead.
Neil the nude kid raised his hand. “Why do we need to learn those words?” he asked.
“Well,” said Miss Holly, “what if you’re at the beach and you need to tell somebody that the lifeguard’s toupee fell in the toilet?”
Miss Holly is weird.
“Okay, that’s enough vocabulary for now,”
Miss Holly said. “Let’s learn how they celebrate the holidays in a Spanish-speaking country like Mexico!”
Miss Holly told us that eleven days after Christmas in Mexico, kids put their shoes out on the balcony before they go to sleep. If they’ve been good, their shoes will be filled with treats when they wake up the next morning.
“Eww, that’s disgusting!” I said. “I wouldn’t eat those smelly treats!”
Miss Holly said that was silly. Then she told us that for nine days before Christmas in Mexico, people act out the journey of Mary and Joseph going to Bethlehem. After a big feast, they play the piñata game.
“Repeat after me,” said Miss Holly. “Piñata!”
“Piñata,” we all repeated.
I knew what a piñata was because Ryan had one at his birthday party. It’s this big, hollow, paper thing you hang from a tree, and kids take turns whacking it with a stick. When the piñata breaks open, candy falls out and everybody grabs it.
Piñatas are cool because you get to do two very cool things—eat candy and whack something with a stick.
Miss Holly went to the closet, and guess what she took out?
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
A piñata! It was in the shape of a star. We were going to play the piñata game! All right!
Miss Holly climbed up on her desk and tied the piñata to a bar on the ceiling.
“Can I go first?” we all yelled.
Miss Holly said we’d go in ABC order, which mean
t that Andrea (AN) got to go first. I lined up behind her because my real name, Arlo, begins with AR.
Miss Holly told us that in Mexico the kids are blindfolded when they play the piñata game. She tied a blindfold over Andrea’s eyes and put a stick in her hand.
“You can do it, Andrea!” the girls yelled.
“I bet she misses the whole thing,” I told Ryan.
Well, Andrea was totally pathetic. She hardly ever hit the piñata. Even when she did, she only tapped it a little and it just spun around. All the boys were cracking up.
Finally it was my turn. Miss Holly tied the blindfold over my eyes and put the stick in my hand.
“Kill it, A.J.!” the boys yelled.
No way was I going to let anybody laugh at me. I was going to whack that piñata so hard, candy would fly all over the room. I reached back and swung the stick as hard as I could.
But I must have missed.
“Owwww!” somebody screamed.
I took off the blindfold. Emily was lying on the floor with her hands over her head.
“A.J. hit me!” she yelled.
“It was an accident!” I said. I must admit I’ve always wanted to hit Emily with a stick, but I would never do it on purpose. It wasn’t my fault that she got so close.
Miss Holly gasped. “Go to Mrs. Cooney’s office,” she told Emily. Mrs. Cooney is the school nurse.
Emily went running out of the room, shrieking like an elephant fell on her. What a crybaby! She wasn’t even bleeding or anything.
I thought Miss Holly was going to let me have another turn, but she said the piñata game was too dangerous to play in school. Bummer in the summer!
It wasn’t fair. We didn’t even get any candy.
3
Santa Klutz Is Coming to Town
“Line up in ABC order,” said our teacher, Miss Daisy, after we finished pledging the allegiance the next morning. “We’re having an assembly!”
“Yay!” said the girls.
“Boo!” said the boys.
Assemblies are when the whole school goes to the all-purpose room and we have to listen to somebody talk for a million hundred hours. The last time we had an assembly, some children’s book author told us about his books. What a bore! The reading specialist, Mr. Macky, is always trying to get us to read.
I hate reading.
But this assembly looked like it was going to be different. The all-purpose room was decorated with big candy canes, snowmen, and fake snow. “Jingle Bells” was playing on the loudspeaker.
After we sat down, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Something started coming down from the ceiling above the stage!
At first we couldn’t tell what it was. Then we saw it was a sleigh! As it got lower, we could see Santa Claus sitting in the sleigh. Some kids were pulling long ropes that lowered the sleigh down until it reached the stage.
“Ho ho ho!”
“It’s Santa Claus!” everybody shouted.
“I’m not Santa Claus,” the guy said. He took off his Santa hat so we could see his shiny bald head. “I’m Santa KLUTZ!”
It was Mr. Klutz, the principal! Everyone started hooting and hollering. Miss Daisy shushed us. Mr. Klutz waited until everybody was quiet. He picked up a microphone so we could hear him better.
“I always gets santamental around the holidays,” Mr. Klutz said. “Get it? Santa mental?”
“Hahahahahahahahahaha!”
We all laughed even though Mr. Klutz didn’t say anything funny. When the principal makes a joke, you should always laugh. That’s the first rule of being a kid. If you don’t laugh at the principal’s jokes, he’ll get mad and lock you in the dungeon down in the basement.
“But seriously,” Mr. Klutz said, “what do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?”
“What?” we all yelled.
“Frostbite!” he said. “Get it? Frost? Bite?”
“Hahahahahahahaha!”
Mr. Klutz is always cracking jokes. He thinks he is a real comedian. But his jokes are terrible. It should be against the law for principals to tell jokes.
“Do you know why Santa’s little helper was depressed?” Mr. Klutz asked.
“Why?” we all yelled.
“Because he had low elf-esteem. Get it? Elf? Esteem?”
“Hahahahahaha!”
Maybe if we stopped laughing at his jokes, Mr. Klutz would stop telling them.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?” Mr. Klutz asked.
“What?” we all yelled.
“Claustrophobic!” he said. “Get it? Claus? Trophobic?”
“Hahahaha!”
It was horrible. It was like watching one of those movies that never ends. I looked over at Ryan and Michael. They rolled their eyes.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast?” Mr. Klutz asked.
“What?” we all yelled.
“Snowflakes!” he said. “Get it? Snow? Flakes?”
“Haha!”
Finally Mr. Klutz ran out of jokes. What a relief! He told us he was dressed up like Santa because he had big news. This year Ella Mentry School would be putting on its first ever holiday pageant. That’s a show all about the holidays.
“Our art teacher, Ms. Hannah, will help paint the scenery. Our music teacher, Mr. Loring, will help with the songs. Our librarian, Mrs. Roopy, will help with the research. And the director of the pageant,” Mr. Klutz announced, “will be our own…Miss Holly!”
Everybody clapped, and Miss Holly danced up onto the stage with her guitar. She played “Winter Wonderland,” and we all joined in.
“I’m so excited!” Miss Holly said. “We’re going to sing songs, perform skits, and have lots of fun. It’s going to be the best holiday pageant ever!”
It sounded horrible.
4
Secret Santa
After the assembly we walked a million hundred miles back to our class. Andrea was all excited about the holiday pageant. She loves to be in plays because she’s a big show-off.
“Last year I was in The Nutcracker,” she bragged.
“They made a play about nuts?” I asked. “No wonder you were in it.”
Andrea got all mad. “Why do you have to be so mean, Arlo?”
“Why do you have to be so annoying?” I asked.
“Enough chitchatting,” Miss Daisy said when we were all sitting in our seats. “I have some important news. This year we’re going to have a Secret Santa in our class.”
Secret Santa? Who’s that? None of us had ever heard of Secret Santa. But Santa is cool, and anything that involves secrets is cool. So Secret Santa must be cool.
Miss Daisy told us that she wrote everyone’s name on slips of paper and put them all into a fishbowl. Each of us would take a slip of paper out of the fishbowl, and then we’d have to get a present for that kid. But we couldn’t tell the kid we were getting them a present. That’s what made it a secret. Miss Daisy said we would exchange our Secret Santa presents in a few weeks, just before the big holiday pageant. If anyone forgot to bring in a present, they wouldn’t be allowed to get a present either.
Everybody was all excited. We lined up to pick slips of paper out of the fishbowl. I hoped I wouldn’t pick some lame girl like Andrea or Emily. I’d rather get a present for Ryan or Michael or one of the other boys.
We lined up in ZYX order, which is the opposite of ABC order. Everybody picked a slip of paper out of the fishbowl and giggled a little when they saw the name on it. Finally it was my turn. There were only a couple of slips of paper left.
“No peeking, A.J.,” Miss Daisy told me as I reached my hand into the fishbowl.
I picked out a slip of paper.
I looked at the paper.
The paper said…
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
The paper said, “Emily.”
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
Not Emily! What could I possibly get for Emily? Sh
e is a real girly-girl. I will have to go to some girly-girl store and buy some girly-girl present like smelly perfume. It will be horrible.
Secret Santa is stupid.
5
Learning How to Speak Spanish
A few days later, we were in the language lab and Miss Holly was telling us all about Spain. It’s a country in Europe, and it’s the whole way across the Atlantic Ocean.
Miss Holly played her guitar, sang, tap-danced, and told us all kinds of useless information about Spain. Did you know that Spain is twice the size of Oregon? I didn’t know that.
Do you care?
Me neither.
“In Spain,” Miss Holly told us, “boys and girls only have to go to school until they are sixteen years old.”
“All right!” I said. “I’m moving to Spain!”
“Then you’ll have to learn to speak Spanish, A.J.,” said Miss Holly.
I told her I already know how to speak Spanish because I saw this movie called Terminator II where Arnold Schwarzenegger kills a bunch of guys, and before he leaves he says, “Hasta la vista, baby!” My mom told me that means “until we meet again.” It was a cool movie.
“That’s good, A.J., but you’ll have to learn a lot more than that,” Miss Holly said. “Let’s work on our Spanish vocabulary for the pageant.”
“Yay!” said the girls.
“Boo!” said the boys.
“The first word we’re going to learn today is ‘nose,’” said Miss Holly. “The Spanish word for ‘nose’ is la nariz,” said Miss Holly.
“La nariz,” we all repeated.
“Good,” said Miss Holly. “The next word is ‘think.’ The Spanish word for ‘think’ is pensar.”
“Pensar,” we all repeated.