by Emma Doherty
“That’s great. No one’s told you the final figure?”
She shakes her head.
“Well who would know?”
She shrugs. “The cheerleaders? Maybe some of the teachers?”
I understand what she’s saying immediately. It’s not as if she can approach Evie herself and ask how much money has been raised. Even Rachel, the girl who has no problem telling everyone exactly what she thinks, won’t do that. “Do you want me to try to find out?”
She beams at me as Marcus calls my name and we head towards the barbecue.
“Are those your friends?” he asks dubiously.
“Something like that,” I tell him. He raises an eyebrow, and I smirk. “Don’t be such a cliché. They’re nice.”
He laughs. “I didn’t say they weren’t.”
I roll my eyes. “But let me guess—when you were at school, you only hung out with the jocks and the popular kids.”
He starts to laugh. “You’re such a little shit, Carlington.”
“Kavanagh,” I remind him, feeling it more than ever today. “My name is Kavanagh.”
He shakes his head, still smiling at me, but then straightens up when his eyes fall behind me. I turn to see Ethan and a couple of his friends staring at us. Well, they’re staring; Ethan is positively glaring.
I ignore him and head over to where Evie is stood with Lila and some of her friends. They’re wearing the tiniest shorts and crop tops you’ve ever seen, and I hate to give them credit, but it’s probably gotten them a tonne more donations today. They’re currently standing around, not so subtly drinking from a flask and picking at some food.
Evie straightens when she sees me approach and then a smile crosses her face. A second later, I know why the smile is there as Ethan appears at my side.
“Really, Izzy?” he hisses in my ear. “You’re still rolling with Marcus Bailey?”
Ethan definitely thought me and Marcus were over after that scene in the burger joint, and I don’t bother to tell him our relationship is strictly platonic. I turn to Evie. “Looks like you’ve been busy.”
She nods irritably. “Yup, might have been nice of you to show up and help considering you’re the reason the cheerleaders aren’t going to benefit from it.”
“Leave it, Evie,” Ethan jumps in. “We already talked about this. It’s time to share the money.”
Evie’s jaw tenses at his reprimand, but she doesn’t say anything else. I dig around in my bag and pull out a couple of hundred dollar bills. I pulled out my whole allowance earlier, and honestly, what else am I going to spend it on? Alcohol is the only thing I’m buying right now.
Evie’s jaw drops open. “Most people pay ten dollars, twenty max.”
I smile sweetly. “I really wanna help the math club.”
Evie looks like she doesn’t believe me but accepts the money anyway. She turns and heads over to a couple of teachers who are sat drinking bottles of beer and writing in a notebook. I’m guessing they’re keeping track of all the donations.
“Do you know how much money has been raised so far?” I ask when she returns.
She gives me a figure that makes my jaw drop, and I turn to head back to tell Pippa. Ethan reaches out and grips my arm, pulling me over towards a green car which I guess is as close to privacy as we’ll get around here. “You’re not going back with Marcus Bailey,” he tells me under his breath. “He’s way too old for you.”
I brush him off. Things might have been less hostile with Ethan lately, but that’s mainly because we’ve left each other alone. He hasn’t been trying to get into my business and control me. If he’s gonna start doing that again then he can forget about any progress we’ve made in our relationship.
“I mean it, Biz,” he tells me.
“Oh shut up, Ethan,” I snap. “You know nothing about us.”
His jaw tenses and he opens his mouth but then closes it again. I take a step away from him but he blocks my way.
“Are you okay?” He’s staring at me carefully. “As in because of what today is?”
There it is. He knows what today is too.
“I’m fine.”
He shakes his head. He doesn’t believe me for a second.
“Izzy—”
“Honestly, Ethan, I’m fine.”
He sends me a lopsided grin. “I was thinking earlier about that time when we were little and made her that chocolate cake and thought it would be a good idea to guess the measurements of the ingredients.” He chuckles. “It was so gross but she still acted like it was the best thing she’d ever eaten.”
I suck in a breath and stare straight ahead, not looking at him and focussing on the line of people waiting to order food in the distance. I don’t look at him because if I do, I’ll allow that memory to creep back in and then I’ll burst into tears.
“Biz?”
I still don’t say anything, instead counting to ten and trying to stop my heartbeat going crazy in my chest.
“Biz? Do you remember?”
I squeeze my hands into fists, my nails digging into the skin, and it’s a welcome distraction from the wave of emotion that is threatening to completely overwhelm me.
“Biz?” He starting to sound annoyed. “For God’s sake answer me. I just want to remember with you. I just want to talk about her.
Doesn’t he get it? I can’t do that. I physically can’t talk about her with him. It hurts too much.
“Biz!” The volume of his voice has risen, and he definitely thinks I’m just ignoring him to be a dick. “I just want to share a memory with you.”
“I can’t,” I manage to bite out, my voice low and shaky. I finally look at him, and he draws back at the expression on my face. “Don’t you get it? I can’t talk about her, Ethan.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I. Can’t. Do. It.”
I expect him to kick off at me and get annoyed, but he doesn’t. Instead he looks at me with so much understanding, and in that moment he reminds me so much of her that I honestly think I might fall apart.
A throat is cleared, and both Ethan and I turn to see Evie stood there. I’ve honestly never been so happy to see her. “Izzy, I wanted you to know I’m having a party at my place tonight. It would be great if you could come.”
I take a deep breath, pushing away all the emotion I just felt, and turn back to face her. “Thanks for the offer, Evie, but I have plans.”
She looks completely indignant at my response, and Ethan must decide she’s close to losing it because he drags her away from me, sending me a look over his shoulder as he starts to placate his girlfriend.
I watch them go, pulling myself together as Finn wanders over to me. “Good of you to turn up, Izzy.” I cut a look at him. The shirt he’s wearing is damp and clinging to the muscles of his torso. I pretend I don’t notice.
“I’ve been busy.”
He smirks, his gaze following Marcus, who is chatting to a bunch of people by the main entrance. They all look to be his age, and I’d bet money they were his teammates from when he played football in high school. “I’m sure you have been.”
I roll my eyes. I really can’t be bothered to get into it with Finn. “Did you need something?”
He shrugs. “Just wanted to tell you it’s a shame.”
I frown. “What is?”
He shrugs. “If you had been here to help, we would have gotten even more donations.” He turns and walks away before I have a chance to react.
Was that a compliment?
With Finn, I honestly never know.
“Thanks so much, Izzy.” Pippa is beaming beside me. “I can’t believe all the money we raised.”
She’s genuinely so happy right now, and I honestly think she’s enjoyed today. She keeps talking about how she was chatting to the people who stopped by with their cars and how Finn and Matty were in charge of making sure they had all the supplies they might need and were friendly and attentive. I swear she’s got two new crushes to add to her colle
ction.
“Well, actually, Pippa, you should be thanking all of us,” Rachel chimes in from behind me. “It was us who did all the hard work. Izzy’s only been here for an hour.”
I roll my eyes but don’t argue with her. I don’t have the energy today, and it’s not as if she’s wrong.
“Um, how about we order pizza at my place and have a movie night?” Paul suggests, glancing at Rachel. He’s obviously trying to keep the peace. The reality is that I’ve not been around these guys very often, but it’s obvious Rachel rules the roost. I can tell she likes to get her own way, and she doesn’t seem to like me very much at all.
A pizza and movie night is not exactly the release I wanted for tonight. “Um…”
“I’m sure Izzy is busy,” Rachel says before I can answer.
My head snaps to her. “And why exactly do you assume that?”
She blinks at me. “Well you’re seeing that older guy, aren’t you? The attractive one who looks like he should be the lead singer of some rock band.” It’s not a completely inaccurate description of Marcus; he does have longish dark hair and tattoos. “And if you’re not hanging out with him then I’m sure your brother and his friends have plans for a Saturday.”
I raise an eyebrow and make sure I catch her eye. “You shouldn’t assume things about me, Rachel. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”
“I just meant—”
“Just like you meant I wouldn’t be able to keep up with you in maths class?”
She physically blanches at my words and juts her chin out before deciding to keep a dignified silence by stalking away. I can’t help but snicker a little; she’s so easy to wind up.
“You shouldn’t tease her,” Pippa tells me earnestly. “Math club is a really big deal to her, and she prides herself on being the best at it.”
I shrug. “Well she shouldn’t assume things about people just based off what she thinks she knows. It makes it too easy to call her out.” I mean it too. My whole life people have judged me based on what they think they know about me, and I’m sick of it.
Pippa looks like she’s going to argue with me then quickly decides to just leave it. She must see something on my face that shows I’m not in the right mood to get into this. I look away, feeling guilty about teasing Rachel. She hasn’t done anything wrong to me, not really. I’m just in the sort of mood where anything can make me snap, and that’s not her fault.
My phone starts ringing in my pocket and I’m surprised to find it’s my dad when I reach for it.
He never calls me. Whenever I hear from him it's usually via Ethan or his assistant.
He remembers. He remembers what today is, and despite myself, I feel a slight relief. My dad might be a dick, but he still knows what day it is.
I swipe the phone to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Isabella.”
“Hi, Dad.”
“I’m sure you know why I’m calling you.”
I nod as tears well in my eyes. Nothing my dad says is going to make today any better, but it’s better than him not acknowledging it.
“I’m okay.”
“You’re ignoring your grandmother and she’s started to call me about it. It’s rude and unnecessary, and I’ve told her you’ll be around tomorrow to visit her.”
He cannot be serious. “What?”
“Your grandmother,” he repeats impatiently. “You need to go to her house for lunch tomorrow.”
I blink as a tear streaks down my face.
“Dad, do you even know what day it is today?”
He makes an irritated sound into the phone. “Of course I do. It’s Saturday.”
I’m so stupid. I am so, so stupid for thinking he was calling me to check on me, for thinking he might remember what today is, for thinking he’d actually care.
“Isabella, are we agreed—”
I don’t wait to hear what else he says and instead end the call.
I hate him. I really, really hate him. How can he not know what today is?
I can honestly say I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.
“Um, Izzy?”
I look back towards Pippa as she says my name, wiping at my face, and she’s looking behind me. I turn at my voice being called and see Ethan stood there with Finn, Matty, and Logan beside him. He doesn’t say anything else, just sort of hovers nervously, and his eyes are fixed on my face. I’m probably not hiding the emotion I’m feeling very well. Everyone else around us seems to stand to attention as they notice them. I guess Pippa was right—these guys really do hold some sway here.
He’s the last person I want to see right now, the very last person. He’s too close to her, too close to what I’m trying to forget. “What?”
Finn chuckles and shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “Jeez, chill, Iz. We just wanted to see if you need a ride.”
Ethan clears his throat. “Yeah, I saw that Marcus took off and you don’t have your car here.”
How Ethan hasn’t figured out I can’t drive yet is beyond me, but it doesn’t surprise me that he knows Marcus left. He seems to care about my love life a whole lot more than I’d like him to.
“I’m good,” I tell them, looking over at Paul and assuming he can give me a lift. “Right, Paul?”
Paul looks startled. “What? Uh, yeah. Sure. I can drive you.”
Finn narrows his eyes slightly at this, and Ethan just looks confused. I really don’t care what they think the deal is with me and Paul.
“Well, um…Evie’s having a party tonight. I guess it’s like an afterparty for the fundraiser, and you should come.” He hesitates, glancing around. “All of you, I mean. You’re all invited.”
I stare back at him. He knows I won’t go.
He suddenly stands up straighter, like he’s just realised something. “I’m Ethan, by the way. I’ve seen you guys around, obviously, but have never really spoken to you. This is Finn, Matty, and Logan.”
I roll my eyes. “They know,” I tell him. “You guys are the shit round here, right? Everyone knows you.”
Logan looks pleased with that assessment, but Ethan just looks tired, like he can’t cope with me right now, not after our earlier conversation and not now that I’ve reverted back to being indifferent and cold towards him. I guess we have that in common.
“Anyway, you guys should come to the party. All of you. You’d be really welcome.”
I swear I hear a rush of air escape Pippa’s lips. I’m pretty sure Evie wouldn’t want us there, but she won’t argue with Ethan, and I can tell just by the way Pippa’s gone still beside me that she’d like to attend.
I can’t do it, though, not even for Pippa, not today. Not when he’s standing there reminding me so badly of my mum that it makes me want to burst into tears. “We have a pizza and movie night planned.”
“Aww, man,” Matty exclaims, looking at me almost longingly. “That’s exactly what I want to do tonight.”
“Yeah,” Logan chimes in, turning to Ethan. “I’m tired. I just want to chill.”
Ethan sighs. “I’ve said we’d go,” he says. He hesitates. “Besides, Izzy is hardly going to invite us to hang out with her.”
My jaw clenches.
“Um…well…” Paul starts haltingly.
“Ethan!” Evie calls from behind him. We all turn to see her with her crew, one hand on her hip, the other hooking her bag over her shoulder. “I’m ready.”
Ethan turns back to me, effectively dismissing Evie. His voice is low. “Can I come with you, Izzy?”
I suck in a breath and tears hit my eyes, but I go to that place in my mind where nothing touches me to make sure they don’t fall. If Ethan comes with me, there’s no way he won’t bring up Mum. There’s no way he won’t want to talk about her. I shake my head.
He looks away for a second before turning back to me. “Not even today?”
Especially not today.
“It’s what she would have wanted.”
He’s right.
>
“Please, Izzy.”
His eyes meet mine, and for a second I think I might give in. I might let him come, because he’s the only person on this planet who might come close to understanding how bad I’ve been feeling today. But I know he’ll want to talk about her, talk about the good times and what she meant to us, and I can’t.
I just can’t.
“Ethan,” Evie calls again, the irritation clear in her voice.
“Go,” I tell him firmly, and then it’s me who turns away, heading towards Paul’s car, because I don’t want to have to face that look in his eye.
Three hours later, I’m bored and on the edge, getting rattier and rattier because no matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about my mum and the fact that she should be here and she’s not…the fact that she was sick for months and I didn’t realise…the fact that if she’d gone to the doctor that little bit earlier they might have caught it sooner and she might still be here today…the fact that when I did notice she was tired and had lost weight, I didn’t send her to the doctor straight away.
“Izzy, are you okay?” Pippa asks me for what feels like the millionth time.
I nod my head. It’s not her fault. It’s not anyone’s fault, but I know they can all tell something isn’t right with me.
I reach for my drink and down the entire contents, feeling the alcohol hit my system. I’m hopeful it will bring with it that familiar release, but for whatever reason, I know I’m just not going to find that here.
I pull out the bottle of vodka in my bag and top up my drink with it. Paul looks nervous every time I do that, like he’s shocked or something, but he hasn’t said anything about it. I offered to pass it around at the start, but apart from Rachel (of all people), the rest of them said they don’t drink, so I’ve just been steadily keeping my own glass filled.
There’s only Pippa, Rachel, Paul, and myself left here now. Everyone else left after the first movie finished but I decided to stay, mainly because I don’t have anywhere else to go.
Rachel starts laughing loudly at something she’s said, and I look over as she sloshes her drink around. I think the two drinks she’s had have gone to her head because she’s in full-on rant mode, voicing her opinions on everything from politics to Disney movies. It would actually be pretty funny if I could focus on anything but this feeling of emptiness right now, this well of sadness deep in my stomach that is threatening to completely overwhelm me if I don’t figure out a way to cut loose tonight.