by Emma Doherty
Finn starts yawning from his spot on the sofa and he stretches out, his eyes hooked on me. “Have a good night, Biz?”
I shrug, looking away from him. I can’t deal with Finn’s intense looks right now.
“What? You’re not going to tell us?”
The night definitely took a turn from watching movies and eating pizza, that’s for sure. “It was fine.”
Matty is sat by the coffee table with a bunch of wrappers in his hand and some tobacco broken up next to him. He pulls out a packet of weed as I crouch down next to the sofa, looking to see if my charger is still plugged in there. He rolls a joint with skills I’m seriously impressed by and then holds it up to me. “Want some?”
I smirk back at him. I reach into my bag and pull out my own packet of Molly; honestly I’ve barely touched it. I found something else to distract me. “Want something stronger?”
Matty’s eyes fly to Ethan, who has his eyes trained on the goods. “Really, Biz? You’re just doing drugs at random movie nights now?”
“I think we both know I didn’t stay at the movie night.”
“It’s still bullshit,” he insists.
What a hypocrite when they’re all about to spark up a joint. I know it’s not as bad, but still. “Oh shut up. Half the teenage population does it.”
“You picked up at school the other day!”
“That was just weed. I’m not stupid.”
Ethan mutters something under his breath.
“What?” I ask. If he has something to say then he should just say it. “Speak up.”
“I said I guess I can understand you doing taking that stuff today.”
I blink and then turn away. I’m not talking about Mum with him, especially not right now. The day is over and I managed to get through it; I do not need him dragging me back down. Matty clears his throat but doesn’t say anything else as Logan lets out a snore, and Finn doesn’t move his gaze from me. I turn away from him; I don’t like the way Finn looks at me, like he can see past the exterior and knows what’s really going on inside my head.
“Where’s my stuff?” I ask Ethan.
“What stuff?”
“I left my tablet, my charger, and a couple of books in here earlier.”
He shrugs. “Maria tidied up. She’ll have put anything left out in that cupboard over there.”
I turn to look where he’s pointing and see a cupboard in the corner of the room. I cross to it and fling it open, scanning the interior for my stuff and eventually spotting the items on the top shelf. I reach up to grab them.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” Suddenly an arm grips my shoulder and pulls me around, and I see Ethan stood in front of me, fury all over his face. “What is that?”
I blink in confusion, completely unaware of what he’s talking about, and I turn to his friends to see them all looking back at me with cautious looks on their faces. I turn back to Ethan, who is still glowering at me. “Go away,” I tell him, trying to brush his arm off me.
He doesn’t budge. “What is that Izzy?” he asks, gesturing towards my stomach.
I have no idea what he’s talking about, and my brain is moving way too slowly from this comedown for me to figure it out. I try to move away from him, but instead he pulls me back, reaches for the hem of my t-shirt, and yanks it up.
“Hey!” I cry, horrified as I make a grab for my shirt, trying to pull it back down, and that’s when I see what he’s talking about. I have a humongous bruise on my right hip, just above the waistline of my jeans. I’m not overly surprised to see it. It will have happened when I was walking upstairs with Craig and I banged into a chest of drawers. I remember thinking at the time it would hurt in the morning, but I was too out of it to care. It probably doesn’t help that I also have smaller finger-shaped bruises on my other hip. Yeah, we weren’t exactly gentle with each other.
“Who did that to you?” he asks, his voice low.
I brush him off, pulling my shirt down and grabbing my things.
“Who did it, Izzy?”
He really doesn’t want to know the name of the guy who did this.
“Tell me,” he says through measured breaths. “Tell me who did that to you.”
I snort. “Why? So you can play the protective big brother?”
“Who hurt you?”
I start to laugh, the result of a mixture of being too drunk, too tired, and too fucking sad to deal with this. “Nobody hurt me, Ethan. I probably did worse to him.” He still doesn’t get it, and I’m suddenly so horribly, unreasonably angry that he’s the one I’m arguing with on a Saturday night in the middle of America instead of getting into it with my mum when I’ve gotten back to our flat after my curfew that I don’t think twice before I say my next words. “It’s from the random guy I had sex with at some random party.”
He freezes completely as my words register.
And I don’t stop. “I guess he wanted it rough,” I taunt.
He blushes red. He actually blushes red, and I start to laugh. I start to laugh because I just can’t handle this day anymore. I can’t handle any of it.
“What’s wrong, Ethan?” I demand. All the hurt and sadness I’ve been feeling all day finally comes to the surface, and the one person I can take it out on is stood in front of me and giving me the perfect opportunity. “You worried your friends are gonna think your sister is a slut?” He doesn’t answer, and I glance over at them; they’re still watching us warily, and even Logan’s woken up. I really want to piss Ethan off now. I need to piss him off, because I need to fight with him. I need to fight with him or else I’ll just fall apart. “I heard he warned you guys off me,” I say to them, stepping around my brother to face them. “I heard he told the whole football team I’m off limits, like he has the right to control me just like my dad thinks he does. Well, if you guys are ever bored, ever got some time on your hands, give me a call, yeah? You wouldn’t even have to buy me dinner, wouldn’t even have to take me out. Hey, maybe I’ll even just get down on my knees right—”
Suddenly I’m pushed back into the wall behind me with such force that my head bangs painfully against it and I end up slumped against the floor. I wince and reach my hand to my scalp, checking for blood, but luckily there’s none there. I look up and see Finn stood between us; he’s pushed Ethan away from me, and Matty has hold of him by the TV.
“You stupid slut!” Ethan shouts down at me.
“Stop it, Ethan!” Finn shouts back at him. “She didn’t mean it. She said that to hurt you—any fool can see that.”
“I said it because it’s true,” I lie, struggling to get to my feet as Ethan turns away from me and slumps down onto the sofa, all the fight leaving his body.
“No it’s not,” Finn says firmly, reaching out and gently resting his hand on my shoulder. His clear green eyes meet mine. “You’re hurting and you want him to hurt just as much as you do.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” I hiss, shoving his hand off me.
He shakes his head. “Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t say that shit and make yourself small. You’re better than that.”
“Go to hell,” I snap. “All of you go to hell!”
I grab my stuff, snatch up my bag of Molly, and head towards the door, quickly running for the large staircase and rushing for the top. I’m almost there when I hear my name being called. I slowly turn to see Finn standing at the bottom of the stairs.
“What?”
“She was his mom too.”
“You okay, man?” Matty asks as we pay for our food at the cashier desk.
I sigh. “Yeah.” I turn and start walking towards our lunch table. “I just feel bad, you know? I really pushed her. I could have cracked her head open.”
“Don’t worry about it, bro,” he tells me as we step around some arguing sophomores. “She was trying to get a reaction out of you, and she knows you didn’t really want to hurt her.”
I yawn as I drop into my seat next to Finn and Matty takes the spot opposite me.
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“She’s such a mess.”
“She’s going through a really tough time.”
I know she is. She’s not even remotely started to deal with Mum’s death. That much is startingly, painfully obvious.
“I can’t believe I pushed her like that.” I really can’t. I’m not a violent person, never have been, but this is what she does to me—makes me so angry I react completely out of character.
“Ethan, she’s your twin,” Finn starts. “She might like to pretend you guys barely know each other these days, but she knows you better than anyone. She knew if she said that you’d go off.”
“I know, but I shouldn’t have let her get to me. I could have really hurt her.”
Matty shrugs. “Siblings fight, bro, all the time. You guys have just missed out on years of scrapping so you’re catching up on it.”
Finn snorts next to me, and when I look over, he has a grin on his face. He holds his hands up at me. “Hey, I’m not arguing. Dean broke my arm when we were younger, and Darren pushed Sarah off a ledge,” he states, referring to his siblings. “I mean we were little kids, but whatever.”
I swivel my head to see if she’s in here, see if she’s sat with the kids from the math club she’s sometimes with, and to my surprise, she is. She’s not eating, though; she’s just staring into space, not paying attention to whatever’s around her.
“Do you guys ever see her eat?” I ask my friends. She’s getting too skinny. “I swear I never see her eat anything.”
They look over at her just as the rest of our crowd arrives, bringing a level of noise with them that makes me wish I’d skipped lunch so I could chill on my own. I’m not feeling being around a bunch of people right now.
My gaze falls behind Logan and I see Evie enter the cafeteria flanked by Lila and Stacey, another cheerleader who’s a friend of theirs.
Damn.
My girlfriend is hot. She’s wearing a tiny skirt and skin-tight tank top that shows off her every curve. We haven’t spent as much time together recently, but looking at her now, I decide to take her out for dinner tonight. If anyone can make me forget about this mess with Izzy, it’s Evie and her very talented body.
I expect her to come straight over to the table but instead watch as Evie stops and turns to Stacey, hands on her hips, and says something that makes Stacey shrink back, her face stricken. Evie smirks back at her whilst Lila laughs and then links arms with Evie, pulling her away and leaving Stacey behind as she tries to hide that she’s upset. She stands there for a couple of seconds then looks around self-consciously and exits the cafeteria.
I frown. What’s going on there? Evie and Stacey have been friends for a long time, and Stacey always sits at our table for lunch. She’s a really nice girl; she dated my buddy Deacon on and off for a couple of years, and I got to know her pretty well. She’d do anything for anyone.
Evie comes up behind me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing the top of my head. “Hey, baby.”
I don’t let her distract me from what I just saw.
“What happened with Stacey?” I ask, and I swear I feel her stiffen slightly. I untangle her arms from around my neck and turn to look back at her. “She looked upset.”
She shrugs dismissively and slides into the empty seat on my right. “Nothing. Some people are just really sensitive.”
I narrow my eyes and realise I don’t believe her. I don’t believe my girlfriend hasn’t just said something shitty to Stacey to make her feel like crap.
Wow.
“What happened?”
Panic crosses her face just as a gasp from Logan turns my attention to him. He’s got his eyes fixed on something on Matty’s phone.
Matty looks up, and I know immediately I’m not going to like whatever is on his screen. “Ethan, you need to see this.”
Pippa’s not happy with me. She hasn’t said anything to me outright, but when I saw her after English earlier, she didn’t meet my eyes, hurried off, and hasn’t said more than two words to me since I sat down to lunch. Judging by how Paul was even quieter than usual in the car this morning, he probably feels the same way, and Rachel has told me in no uncertain terms that she’s holding me responsible for how hungover she felt yesterday and she seriously thinks I should consider therapy.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out they don’t approve of my behaviour at the party.
Saturday night is playing on a loop in my head. Craig has rung me a bunch of times and keeps sending me messages, but I’ve ignored them all. It was only supposed to be a one-time thing and that’s exactly what it will be, but I can’t help thinking I picked the wrong guy. Rachel seemed pretty adamant he and Ethan had history, and whilst that seemed like a bonus on Saturday night, it doesn’t now.
Then when I got home…
Stupid slut.
I don’t care that I had sex, and doing the deed doesn’t make me a slut. I know that and I’m not ashamed of it, but I am ashamed of the way I antagonised Ethan into reacting like that, using his friends to provoke him.
Stupid slut.
That was what I wanted him to think, wasn’t it? That was the reaction I wanted from him? So then why do I feel guilty when I remember the expression on his face? And why can’t I get Finn’s words out of my head?
She was his mom too.
Yes she was, and she’d be ashamed of my behaviour on Saturday night—of my behaviour since I got here and my attitude towards him.
I didn’t even see Ethan yesterday, and all I did was watch movies and ignore irate messages from my grandmother because I didn’t go to a lunch I never agreed to attend. He was out all day, but just before I went to sleep, I got a text from him, apologising for pushing me. That made me feel even more guilty, because I deserved his reaction. It was exactly what I wanted from him, and now I feel even guiltier than before because it’s obviously something that’s bothered him all day, and despite the way I behaved, he still apologised to me.
There’s a sudden commotion, and I look up from Pippa’s lunch table, where I’m sat not speaking to anyone, and see Ethan’s table all reacting to something on Matty’s phone. They have their mouths hanging open in shock at whatever they’re looking at, and then Matty lifts his head and his eyes find me, just as the rest of them start looking over too. I start to feel uneasy as Ethan grabs the phone and stares at whatever is on it for a couple of seconds. His face goes slack, and then fury fills it—complete and utter fury.
My heart sinks. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he’s just found out.
He stands up so quickly his chair topples to the ground and then he stalks over, shoving the phone into my hands.
That bastard.
Craig’s uploaded pictures from us on Saturday night, pictures I didn’t even know were being taken as we kissed in the kitchen, as I had my legs wrapped around him whilst sat on the kitchen counter, whilst he led me out of the kitchen by the hand. I scroll along and see more of them, and when I tap the image, I see he’s tagged Ethan and all his friends so he’d be sure it would definitely get back to my brother.
I suppose I should be grateful there aren’t any videos up of us doing the act itself.
“Really?” Ethan demands. His voice is surprisingly calm. He’s not screaming or shouting, but it looks like he’s trying his hardest to control himself. It doesn’t make any difference; everyone’s still watching us. “That’s who you were with on Saturday night?”
I press my lips together and wait for him to say something else, but he doesn’t. He just stands there and waits for my response.
“Yeah,” I say eventually. “I was with him.”
Evie lets out a noise of disgust from just behind him and crosses her hands over her chest while smirking at Lila. They’ll both enjoy this. I have no doubt they can’t wait to see mine and Ethan’s relationship fracture even further; it will benefit her not having to pretend to be nice to me anymore. I quickly glance at Matty and Logan but then look away. I hate the disappointment I
see in their eyes.
“You know what he did to me, right?” Ethan’s voice has risen in volume.
“Ethan,” Finn interrupts, his voice low but commanding. “Not here.”
Ethan seems to consider this for a minute and then glances around the cafeteria, seeing all faces on us. He nods his head slowly before facing me. “Let’s go.”
For once I don’t argue with him, and I reach down for my bag, leaving my untouched tray of food on the table and following Ethan and Finn out of the cafeteria. The rest of their friends head back to their table, much to Evie’s disappointment. She tries to follow but is quickly dismissed by Finn. Ethan strides ahead, and even from behind, you can see he’s brimming with barely contained rage as he pushes his way into an empty classroom, slamming the door open. I have little choice but to follow as Finn is herding me in and closes the door behind us.
Ethan is stood by the window, his hands clenched into fists and the tendons in his neck straining. I stay by the door, just ahead of Finn. I’ve never seen my brother this angry before, and it makes me uneasy.
“Craig McGarretty?”
I nod my head. With those pictures, it’s easy to figure out what I did on Saturday night.
“He’s the one who left those bruises on you?”
“It was completely consensual,” I tell him. I don’t want him thinking he needs to defend me against him or anything. That isn’t what this is about.
“So you’re telling me you actually chose Craig McGarretty?”
I don’t know what he wants me to say to that.
“Did you have sex with him?”
I sigh. It wasn’t like I went looking for him. It was a snap decision that was supposed to make me feel better in the moment, and for half an hour, it did. Now it doesn’t.
“Do you know what he did to me?”
I shrug.
“Did you know he put me in hospital when I was a freshman?”
No. No, I had no idea about any of that.