by Emma Doherty
“Finn, I can’t… Please stop.”
“He called you back immediately, and it kept going to voicemail. So he’d call again, and then he’d call your house phone, but no one was answering that either. He’d call your cell again, but still no answer. For twenty minutes, he called and called, and there wasn’t a sound in that locker room. We’d just won state, but no one made a sound as Ethan sat on that bench, his whole body shaking as he tried to get in touch with you. Coach locked the door, and nobody came in or out as we waited for him to get some news. Do you remember what you said when you finally answered, Izzy? Do you remember the words you said to him when you finally picked up? Because I do. The whole football team does because we all heard the words in that silent room.”
I don’t remember. I have no idea what went on in those hours after she died. I barely remember Ethan turning up the next day. I just let him in, went back to my room, and then didn’t come out for days, not until her funeral.
Finn’s eyes harden, and the disgust on his face is clear. “You’re too late. She’s already dead.” I swallow hard as I hear the words, and I close my eyes, trying desperately to remove myself from this situation. “You’re too late. She’s already dead. That’s how E found out his mom was dead. That’s how his sister—his twin sister told him their mother had died, and then you passed the phone to someone else and fucking abandoned him.”
My heart feels like its breaking all over again.
“How the hell do you think that made him feel? Do you have any idea how that made him feel, Izzy?”
I shake my head, tears streaking down my cheeks now. Horrendous—that’s how it will have made him feel, absolutely horrendous.
“Now, I’m not pretending you said those words out of spite. I’m pretty sure you were lost in a world of pain and didn’t have a clue what you were saying, but just think about it from his point of view. You passed the phone to someone else because you couldn’t speak about it, but he needed to speak about it—to you, and you weren’t there. He’d never tell you how low you made him feel in that moment because he never wants to burden you. He always wants to protect you, even when you’re being like this.”
He shakes his head.
“I’m sure you can imagine the rest. He broke. Right in front of our eyes, he fell apart, because the woman he loved most in the world, the woman he adored—and make no mistake, Izzy, he loved your mom—was dead and he hadn’t gotten to say goodbye. He didn’t know anything, didn’t know when, didn’t know if she was in pain. He didn’t know if she asked for him because you’d passed the phone over like he was nothing, and he had to listen to whoever was with you. You treated him like he was nothing, like he was a piece of shit on your shoe and wasn’t worth being told any of the details by the one person he wanted to speak to. He cried for maybe ten minutes and then he pulled himself together, grabbed a shower, and got dressed, and then we drove him to the airport. It was just going to be me and Matty and Logan who were taking him, but the rest of the guys wanted to come too, so they jumped on the team bus and followed our car, and then someone must have told someone because other people started following. A whole caravan of people followed us to the airport to show their respect to the guy who had just lost his mom.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t want to relive any of that. I don’t want to hear what Ethan went through; I want to blame him. I want to blame him for not being there when she needed him, because if I hold on to that, if I hold on to blaming and hating him for not being there then I don’t think about how I let her down when I was there. If I focus on him, I don’t think about her being gone and leaving us both.
Finn takes a deep inhalation, out of breath from his huge rant, and then he steps back.
“He wouldn’t let me come with him, told me he just wanted to be with you. He knew you’d be the only person who would get it, and I guess you know the rest. I can imagine what you were like with him over there. I can just picture what an utter bitch you were to him when you needed each other the most—not that he’s told me that, because he won’t complain about you. No matter what you do, he won’t be disloyal to you, not even to me.”
He takes another step away from me.
“It took him months to get back to his normal self, and he’s still not there. He misses her every day. I can tell, and he takes any opportunity he can to talk about her, but it’s not the same talking to me about it, someone who only met her a handful of times. He wants to talk to you, someone who loved her just as much as he did, but you won’t, will you? You’re the only other family member he loves, and you can barely even speak to him.”
I have no words. I have no words right now.
“You take every chance you can to crush him, and you do—every. Single. Time. You’re the only person who has that power over him, the only person he cares enough about to be upset when they treat him like crap. Even I couldn’t do that. Evie can only do it in her dreams, but you can, and you make sure you do. Any chance you have to mock him, to belittle him, to hurt him—you take it, and he doesn’t deserve it, Izzy. He doesn’t deserve it at all.”
“I don’t.” It’s a lie, and we both know it.
He shakes his head yet again. “He worries about you constantly—where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with. He won’t let anyone say a bad word against you, no matter what you do, and how do you repay him? You fuck his biggest rival just to hurt him because you’re feeling shitty about it being your mum’s birthday and you know you can take it out on Ethan, just like you always do. That’s all it’ll be, and we both know it, because McGarretty is a big enough prick that I can guarantee you don’t actually like him.”
I don’t say anything, because he’s right. That’s ultimately the pathetic reason why I slept with Craig McGarretty.
She was his mom too.
“He’s done protecting you, Izzy, and so am I. You want nothing to do with him? With me? You got it. I will stay as far away from you as humanly possible. Enjoy it. Enjoy it over there on your pedestal, on your own, with no one around you, because you can’t go on treating people the way you do and have anyone want to be near you.”
I don’t say anything as he bends at the waist and collects his bag off the floor. He gives me one last look of pure disgust then turns and walks away. He’s at the door with it slightly ajar when he pauses and turns back to face me. My eyes flit behind him, and I can see people standing out there, people who may or may not have heard what he’s said to me and will hear whatever his closing shot will be.
“And Izzy? I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t have sex with self-centred, egotistical, selfish princesses who don’t give a crap about anyone but themselves.”
Then he slams the door and leaves me left behind and reeling at his words.
He’s done protecting you, Izzy.
He’s done.
He’s done with you.
I let out a shaky breath as I realise I’ve achieved it.
I’ve successfully managed to set fire to my life.
Only now that I’ve succeeded in doing just that, it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good at all, and all I feel is shame, disgust, and heartbreak.
I back up until I hit the wall and sink down to the ground, wrapping my arms around my legs, and I start to cry.
I start to cry, big sloppy, messy tears as I think about the state of my life and look back on everything I’ve done since my mother died. I think about the relationships I’ve destroyed and the damage that I’ve caused and I know that I won’t be able to come back from this. I remember the look on Ethan’s face and I know he meant it. He really is done with me.
And one thing I do know for absolute certain?
My mother would be ashamed of me.
To be continued…
Want to see what happens next? Check out All That’s Been Said releasing November 7th.
All That’s Been Said
Izzy Kavanagh hates her new life in the US; that much
she’s made obvious. She’s done everything she can to alienate her twin, Ethan, and to prove she doesn’t want to be there.
She’s certainly succeeded.
Perhaps a little too much.
Suddenly the idea of having her brother hate her isn’t what she wants. Knowing her mother would be ashamed of her behaviour weighs on her mind, and the idea of having someone who cares about her isn’t so bad after all. Then there’s her brother’s best friend, Finn. No matter how much she wants to ignore him and pretend she doesn’t care about his opinion, he always seems to be there, and it’s getting harder and harder to act like she’s indifferent to him.
But the damage has been done, and now all she can do is count down the days until she’s allowed to return to the UK and forget all about her time in the US.
That’s what she’s wanted all along…right?
If you enjoyed this book then please consider leaving a review online or recommending to a friend. Thank you!
Four Doors Down Series
Four Doors Down
Becca McKenzie’s only goal is to make it through her senior year of high school and to hang out with her friends and gorgeous boyfriend. Ryan Jackson, her former best friend and the bane of her existence, does not fit into those plans.
Four Years Later
Becca is now in college and happier than she ever thought that she could be, until one terrible, unforgettable night changes everything and leaves Becca questioning everything she’s ever known.
Both Four Doors Down and Four Years Later can be read as standalones but do involve the same people.
The Grove Valley High Series
Playing with Fire
Sophie Steele has the whole summer ahead of her and she’s determined to have some fun with her best friends and her sort of boyfriend, Mark. Even if that fun may come in the form of her older brother’s gorgeous roommate who is staying with them for the summer. Soon Sophie decides that the only think she wants this summer is him.
The Stand-In Boyfriend
Livy Chapman is in love with her best friend, Jessie, but he doesn’t see her romantically. When Chase Mitchell offers to step in and pretend to be her boyfriend so they can make Jessie jealous and to get his ex-girlfriend off his back, Livy is just crazy enough about Jessie to accept. Nothing could go wrong…right?
Both Playing with Fire and The Stand-In Boyfriend can be read as standalones but do involve the same people.
To be the first to hear about all Emma Doherty’s new releases sign up to her newsletter here.
As always thanks to my brilliant friends and family for being supportive. Special shout out to Leah for being the best BETA reader there ever was and the rest of my early readers for advice and tips.
Thanks to the wonder Caitlin for being such a great and understanding editor (I’ve been behind a LOT on this manuscript) and to Sarah for the wonderful covers for this duet.
And to the readers above anyone else. Thank you for reading my books and believing in my characters—it means the world.