by Roan Parrish
In the shower, I ran through the meals again, this time swapping out chili for a cold noodle dish since I’d checked the weather and it was going to be warm. I reminded myself to look up a recipe for peanut sauce.
When I got out of the shower, I dried off slowly. Then I took the black Sharpie from the toothbrush holder and closed my eyes, breathing in deeply through my nose and out through my mouth.
After some thought, I uncapped the marker and wrote across my stomach: Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
The freshly inked quote overlaid others, variously faded from time and showers.
No one else ever knew the words were there, but I could feel them, a sigil burned into my skin, anchoring me through the day.
The NA meeting was at twelve thirty, and at noon I made my way downstairs and flipped the lock, figuring I’d stock for the night and save Johi and Roy the trouble. I could do it faster than either of them, since I was stronger, and stacking the neat rows of bottles was satisfying. But as I went to grab the first box, the door opened and Felix walked in, looking a bit sweaty and rumpled.
When he saw me he smiled and waved. He pulled his earbuds out and came over to the bar.
“Hi. I’m Felix. I didn’t actually introduce myself the other night. Sorry. I was…uh…kinda in shock.”
He held out his hand to me across the bar.
He was taking responsibility for my brusqueness the other night and it made me wonder what else he took responsibility for.
“Huey,” I said, my voice gruff and short even to my own ears. His hand was much smaller than mine, but he had a firm grip and soft skin.
He smiled again and hooked his thumbs against his shoulders, pulling at the straps of his backpack.
“Sorry I’m kind of early. I came straight from work and I was gonna change there but then someone knocked over a pitcher of half and half so I had to clean that up, and then since I thought I was gonna be late I ran for the train but then it— I’m…early…” He took a deep breath. “Could I change in your bathroom maybe? I just can’t meet Theo Decker in a Buggy’s Bagels uniform.”
He plucked at the brown logo of a bagel on his pale green polo shirt and I noticed it for the first time, an ugly, in-between color.
He was staring at me, and I realized it was because I hadn’t answered him yet.
“Yeah. It’s over there.” I nodded behind him.
“Thanks.”
He hesitated for a moment, as if he wanted to say something else, then shook his head and headed toward the bathroom.
I headed to the basement and carried up two boxes, stocking the bar until Felix came back out. He’d changed into tight black jeans, a gray T-shirt that hugged his body but went down to mid-thigh, and baby-pink high-top sneakers.
He was small—maybe five foot eight and slim, with narrow shoulders and delicate features. His brown eyes were large, with a thick fringe of lashes, and I thought he might have just put on makeup or something that made them look even bigger. His mouth was lush, and he seemed to smile easily.
His wavy brown hair was down, like it had been the first night I saw him, and it looked like he’d tried to tame it with some water in the bathroom. But when he got back to the bar, he flipped his head over and gathered his hair into a ponytail high on his head, slipping an elastic from his wrist and tying it up. The style showed off sharp cheekbones and the elegant line of his jaw, the vulpine point of his chin.
In the light of day, out of the horrible green shirt, he was beautiful.
I looked away, but even with my eyes fixed on my large, rough hands splayed on the bar, I could see him. I imagined tugging that elastic slowly from his hair and watching it tumble around his face. Pushing it behind one of his small ears and tracing his jaw. Sliding my hand to the back of his neck and tightening my fingers, pulling back his head and baring the smooth skin of his neck to my mouth—
I pressed my palm against my stomach until it hurt.
He slid onto a stool across from me and rested his elbows on the bar, knee jiggling.
“So, I don’t mean to be rude, but how do you know Theo Decker?”
I could understand his surprise; I didn’t seem much like the kind of guy who’d know a rock star.
“His partner is an old friend.”
Felix nodded and didn’t press for more.
“And this is your place?”
I nodded.
“It’s nice,” he said politely. When I didn’t say anything else, he added, “Do you like running a bar?”
I frowned. Did I like it? I didn’t think about that. I did what I did. I stuck to my routines. I helped the people who needed me.
Felix traced fidgety patterns on the bar top with his fingertip.
“You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to,” he said. “I’m just, uh, nervous about the meeting, I guess. Trying not to think about it.”
He glanced out the window.
I could fill the time for him. Help him not be nervous.
“Been doing it a while,” I said. “It’s all right.”
“Must be pretty good people watching?”
I nodded. “Helps me keep my fashion up to date.”
Felix glanced at my jeans and plain black T-shirt and laughed, taking
me by surprise. The sound was rich and round, like caramel, and when he stretched his arms out, I could almost imagine he was reaching across the bar toward me.
“So, why’d you choose it?”
I hadn’t chosen it. My sponsor Reggie had owned this place. Reggie had been an alcoholic and into speed, and he’d kept the bar even after he’d stopped using. Everyone who knew his situation had told him to get rid of the bar if he wanted to stay sober, but he kept it. He said he felt most aware that he was making a choice when he was making it every day. When the temptation was right there and he could feel himself make a different decision. He’d run the bar for ten years drunk and high, then for twenty sober as a judge.
When he was ready to retire, he’d been my sponsor for two years and we’d become good friends. I’d worked as a bouncer for years, so I was familiar with the general workings of a bar. Reggie had said he saw in me the same quality in himself that had made him keep the bar. The need for constant self-assurance.
I pointed out to him that alcohol had never been my real addiction and he shrugged and said, “Addiction is a mentality, not a directionality.”
It was one of his signature sayings, and I didn’t argue with him because it didn’t matter. My lease had been nearly up and the bar came with the apartment above it, and Reggie was happy to let me pay him in installments. Besides, I had no idea what else I could be doing. Being big and intimidating looking wasn’t good for much that was legal; my football days were a distant memory. And I didn’t want Reggie’s beloved bar to end up in the hands of some rich flippers who’d turn it into someplace that served herbaceous cocktails and tiny triangles of grilled cheese that cost fourteen dollars and drove up the prices of the whole block.
When Reggie died two years ago, his will had forgiven all debt between us. He’d been a good man. More like a father than a sponsor. More like a father than my real father had ever been, and I hadn’t realized it until he was gone.
“It kinda chose me,” I mumbled.
Felix opened his mouth—no doubt to ask yet another question—but before he could, the door opened and Theo breezed in.
He wore his usual outfit of worn black jeans, a faded band T-shirt, and sunglasses, and his hair had grown since I saw him last. It fell past his shoulders like dark feathers.
He hooked the sunglasses into his back pocket and smiled.
“Hey, Huey.” I moved from behind the bar to greet him, and he inched toward me like he could
n’t tell if I’d want to hug or not. He did it every time. I let him give me a quick hug and ushered him toward the bar.
“Don’t sit on those,” I said.
“Huh?”
I pointed to the sunglasses he’d just put in his pocket. I’d seen him crush two pairs in this same way.
“Oh, thanks.” He tossed them on the bar. “Felix, right?” he asked. Felix had scrambled off the barstool when I crossed to Theo and now he was pressed to the bar, looking at Theo like a teenager at a school dance.
“Hi, yeah, hey, hello,” Felix fumbled, sticking out his hand. “I’m a big fan,” he added, biting his lip.
“Thanks, Felix, that’s awesome,” Theo said, smiling shyly. The surprised pleasure he expressed whenever someone appreciated his music was genuine. “I’m a pretty big fan of yours too. What I’ve heard, anyway.”
Felix blinked rapidly and looked down.
“Wow, thanks. Um.”
He looked to me like I might offer some help.
I’d thought Felix looked small, but at six foot four nearly everyone seemed small to me. Now, seeing him next to Theo, who was slender and about average height, I could see that Felix really was small. And young. Fuck, he looked so young. He still had a whole life ahead of him.
I crossed my arms over my chest to subtly feel my own heartbeat. Sometimes I had to check to make sure it was still ticking along.
Theo turned to me. “Caleb says hi and do you wanna come to dinner on Thursday or Friday. We can do it at Rhys and Matty’s if you wanna just take the train?”
Theo and Whitman lived in Stormville, about sixty miles north of the city, and it was a pain in the ass to get there since I didn’t have a car. Rhys, Whit’s best friend, and his husband, Matt, lived in Sleepy Hollow. I could get there by train, and Theo and Whit could drive there easily.
“Thursday’s better,” I said. “But kid, I swear to God, if I walk through that door and there is anything resembling hash on my plate, I will walk right back out and come home.”
Theo laughed and groaned. “I know. It’s a problem. He’s been trying to learn how to make other stuff. Like, he made Thanksgiving last year…but it kinda ended up being hash-like. Now it’s like anything he makes ends up mixed together, kind of. I have this theory that it’s because he mixes all his food together when he eats. Have you noticed?”
I nodded.
Theo explained to Felix, “He, like, cuts it all up first so it’s all just chunks and then mixes it together so he can combine some of each thing in every bite. So I think when he cooks he’s like, ‘Oh well, I’m gonna mix it all up anyway so I might as well just put it all together in the dish.’ ”
“Maybe he needs to be directed toward stews?” Felix suggested. “Or casseroles?”
Theo nodded. “That’s a good call. When it gets cooler, I’ll, like, express a deep craving for stew.”
“Theo!” called a voice from the doorway.
I’d never met Coco Swift, Riven’s guitarist, but I’d heard Theo talk about her and heard enough Riven songs to know she was one hell of a musician.
Coco was very small and radiated a lot of energy. She had long braids in a swoop on top of her head, with a few hanging loose to her waist. With her flawless dark skin and symmetrical features, I might’ve thought she was a model if she were taller. She bounced excitedly and ran to Theo, nearly jumping into his arms.
Theo squeezed her tight, then slung an easy arm around her shoulders. In the wake of Theo’s leaving Riven there had been tension between them, but it seemed Coco had come around.
“And you must be Felix,” Coco said. “Hello.”
Again, Felix’s eyes were wide, his voice reverent as he shook her hand. “Hi. You’re amazing,” he said, and Coco thanked him graciously.
Where Coco’s energy was natural, though, Felix’s now seemed manic. He was nearly vibrating in place, tapping his fingers on the bar and chewing on his lower lip.
“Coco, this is my friend Huey,” Theo said.
“Nice to meet you,” she said, smiling brightly at me. She had a firm handshake, and I could feel the calluses from playing guitar.
“Glad to have you,” I said. “Y’all do whatever it is you do. You want anything?”
“Some sparkling water with lime would be great,” Coco said.
“Can I have a ginger ale?” Theo asked.
Felix was looking around wildly, like he didn’t think he’d been included in my offer.
“Felix. Get you anything?”
His eyes flew to mine, wide and anxious.
“Oh, um. Can I have a gin and tonic?”
I nodded, and turned to get their drinks. When I placed Felix’s on the bar in front of him, he downed it quickly. Jesus, he was sweating.
“You okay?” I asked.
He nodded too quickly but didn’t meet my eyes.
“So,” Coco said. “I know this is a bit unorthodox, but we’re looking for a new lead singer. We’re not going for someone to imitate Theo—obviously, there can be only one. But we do need someone who has the range for the songs we’ve already released. We’re not ready to commit to anything more than someone for the upcoming tour right now. We booked the dates after we hired another singer who…didn’t work out. But we don’t want to have to cancel. If the tour goes well, then we could talk about something more permanent, potentially. So. I’d love to just jump in and hear you, if that’s all right.”
Felix leaned on the bar, nails white where he pressed his fingertips tightly to the wood.
“Um,” he said. He sounded choked. “So. Here’s the thing. Shit.”
He looked so nervous that I worried he might pass out. Before I was even aware I was doing it, I put my hand on top of his.
“Hey,” I said. “Do you need a minute? Some water?”
He blinked at me with huge eyes.
“Water, please. Thanks.”
I gave him some and cut a look to Theo, hoping he’d take it easy on the guy.
Felix gulped the water as fast as he had the G&T. Then he scrubbed his palms over his face.
“Shit, okay. Here’s the thing. I didn’t realize it was gonna be so…And you guys are so…Okay. I love to sing, but I’m not…I don’t want to be, like, a rock star. But…”
He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and spoke in a rush.
“You have to hear my sister. She’s an amazing singer, and she’s like the most down-to-earth human alive, so she wouldn’t fuck up a tour, and she’s not a diva, and, um, she’s kinda waiting at the coffee shop on the corner in case you guys wanna give her a chance? Please. Please give her a chance.”
He had to stop to take another breath, and I saw the irritation on Coco’s face, but Theo just looked curious.
“Seriously?” Coco said, hands on her hips and eyes flashing.
“I’m really sorry I brought you here under false pretenses,” Felix said. “I know that’s shitty. But…if you’d just give her a chance…”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Coco said, and she shot Theo a look. She paused for a long minute during which Felix squirmed. “Fine. I mean, we’re already here.” She jabbed a finger at Felix. “But that is shitty. And unprofessional. And…borderline creepy, actually.”
Felix hung his head.
“Sorry.”
Coco sighed.
“Okay, then. Text her so we can get on with this. Decker,” she hissed. “Did you know?”
“What? No way! Coco, I’d never! But…okay, now that this happened, I kinda love the idea of a female lead singer for the band.”
Coco’s raised eyebrow seemed to say she didn’t hate the idea either, but she remained pointedly silent.
Felix’s phone buzzed.
“Okay, she’s on h
er way.”
Coco nodded shortly, then tugged Theo by the sleeve. The two of them moved off to discuss something quietly, out of earshot.
Felix collapsed onto the barstool in relief and I refilled his water.
“Thank you,” he said to me quietly.
I nodded.
“You okay?”
“Fuuuck. I think so. I…Was that really bad, what I just did?”
Tendrils of hair clung to his face and his eyes were huge and liquid.
“It was a lie,” I said. “False pretenses, like you said. But really bad?” I shrugged. “At most, you wasted their time. I’ve seen a lot worse.”
He let out a sigh.
“Fuck, I thought I was gonna pass out. I didn’t know it’d be so terrifying to lie to rock stars.”
He laughed nervously and tugged the elastic from his hair. It spilled over his face in glossy waves, and I pressed my hands to my thighs to ensure I didn’t reach out and touch it. Then he put it up again and it looked the same as it had before he took it down, stray pieces falling back around his face.
Felix’s sister glided through the door with her head high and smiled.
“Hey,” she said. “I’m Sofia.”
“Oh,” Theo said. “You were onstage with Felix in the video, but we didn’t hear you.”
She nodded and held out her hand. All in all, this was probably the most hand-shaking that had ever happened at one time within the walls of this bar.
“It’s so good to meet you. I’m a big fan,” Sofia said, somehow managing to seem in control even as she said it.
“Thanks. This is Coco Swift. She’s—”
“An amazing guitarist,” Sofia said, walking confidently to Coco and holding out her hand. “Thank you very much for taking the time to give me a chance. I know I’m not what you wanted to hear, but I hope I don’t disappoint you.”
Coco seemed equally impressed and disarmed by her confidence despite the awkwardness of the situation. She accepted Sofia’s hand.
“All right then,” she said somewhat stiffly. “Show us what you’ve got.”
Sofia nodded. She squared her shoulders in a gesture a lot like her brother’s, then began to sing where she stood. It was a Riven song, I knew, but I couldn’t have said which one. It began low, and Sofia closed her eyes as she ground out smooth, deep notes. The song climbed up the scale, and her voice transitioned smoothly from warm and low to round and bright as it got higher.