by Roan Parrish
He turned pain-dulled eyes on me and said simply, “Because I didn’t like myself. That’s how it started, anyway.”
He turned back to his cutting board and began chopping. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted to know everything about him, but I didn’t want to force him to talk about something that was clearly still so painful.
“Why?” I asked gently.
“Not very interesting,” Dane said, and I couldn’t tell if he meant the story wasn’t interesting or he didn’t like himself because he wasn’t interesting.
His knife moved effortlessly through cabbage and onions, taking them apart to thin crescent moons.
When I waited silently, he started talking.
“Got my scholarship to Hofstra. It was my way out of Virginia, out of my dad’s house, and I grabbed it. That first year was…good. Real good.”
He had a faraway look on his face and I figured in Dane-speak, good meant wonderful.
“Loved my classes, learning shit. Liked practicing with the team till I was so exhausted I couldn’t think. Met some real smart people. Some good people.”
He kneaded, big hands manipulating the dough hypnotically.
“My sophomore year I got to play. It was a rush. All those people cheering, the adrenaline. Camaraderie. Junior year I got hit hard. Went down real hard. Tweaked my knee pretty bad. But I worked through it. Three games later I got piled on. No penalty, no one’s fault—I just landed wrong on another guy. Knee was fucked again. The doc gave me painkillers because I was in pretty bad shape. But I wanted to play. Wanted to keep my scholarship.”
He cut the dough into circles with the edge of a water glass and dotted filling in the center. With a practiced, gentle hand, he folded the dough over and pinched it into perfect pierogis. I imagined those hands catching a football or making a tackle. I imagined them taking a pill.
“The pills helped my knee. Thing was, with the pain in my knee managed, I realized they helped me with other kinds of pain too. They let me run away. Hide in the way it felt to not have to be me. Lots of people can do that and back away from it just fine after. I couldn’t. Shit luck.”
He stared at the neat pile of pierogis in front of him like he didn’t remember how they’d gotten there.
“What happened?”
“I liked how it felt too much, not being me. Liked it too much to stop. I was injured, so it wasn’t a secret I was taking them. Took a while before it was any kind of problem. Thing was, I’d never intended to play ball after college. It wasn’t my dream, just a way out of Virginia. But I’d spent so much time practicing that I hadn’t given much thought to what I’d do after. Senior year, it was clear I had a problem. Coach kicked me off the team. I lost my scholarship. I only had one more semester, but I was out of it. I could’ve applied for loans, talked to someone. But I didn’t. Just drifted.”
He looked at me for the first time since he’d begun speaking.
“I drifted for a long time.”
The Dane standing in front of me was the opposite of drifting. He was so grounded, so regimented, I couldn’t imagine him any other way. But I guessed that had been the work.
“Drifting turned into needing. Needing the escape. Couldn’t bear the world without it. With me in it the way I was. And needing something like that was…”
He blinked, eyes unfocused, like he was seeing himself back then. He didn’t finish the sentence.
“Was it hard to stop?” I found myself asking, then cringed. “I mean, of course it was. Sorry, I don’t know quite what to ask,” I rambled.
“Yes. It was hard.”
And the fact that he didn’t elaborate made me think it had been harder than he’d ever admit. The more time I spent with Dane, the more it seemed clear that when he spoke, he told the truth. It was just that you had to understand how much he downplayed everything to calibrate the words on their own scale.
He heated butter in a pan and began to cook the pierogis. The smell of onion and butter made my mouth water. I was watching a man who was so capable, so in control, that he’d told me about the worst time in his life while making pierogis from scratch.
He was taking deep, measured breaths as he cooked for a while longer, shoulders tight.
“Did you ever read Dune?” he asked, eyes still on the pan of pierogis.
“No.”
“I read it in high school and liked it, but I didn’t remember it that well. One night about six months after I started going to NA meetings, I was having a real rough time and I wanted a distraction. Found the book on my shelf, so I started to reread it. There was this line…I read it over and over: ‘I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.’ ”
“Wow,” I said.
“I was scared,” Dane said softly. “So fucking scared all the time, only I hadn’t admitted it to myself. Scared to keep using once I realized what it did to me. What it had done to me. Scared to stop because then I’d have to be me again. Scared to make decisions because I couldn’t trust myself anymore to make good ones. Couldn’t trust myself to take care of myself. When I started my routine—the gym, the grocery store, meetings, walks—it helped me feel less afraid. Decided on it with Reggie, so I knew it was okay. As long as I stuck to it, I couldn’t mess up. That was the goal, anyway. Because the fear, man. The fucking fear.” He shook his head. “Couldn’t live like that.”
“And you did it,” I said. “You faced your fear and now you help other people face theirs. I think that’s amazing.”
I slid off the counter, intending to hug him, but he caught me by the shoulders, eyes intense and wild.
“Want to know a secret?”
I nodded.
“Some days I’m still so fucking scared.” It was nearly a whisper, it was so soft and choked.
He wouldn’t quite meet my eyes. He expected superhuman things of himself, even as he was empathetic toward everyone else’s weaknesses, and it melted me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed him tight. I could feel tremors running through the thick muscles of his back. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him, trying to make him feel as comforted and safe as he made me feel.
“I’ll protect you,” I whispered, and he clutched me to him hard.
Dane watched me through dinner, as if he was waiting for me to punish him for being vulnerable. Afterward, without even clearing the dishes, which was unusual for him, he took my hand and led me to his bedroom.
I’d only been in here once, when I borrowed his clothes to go to the gym. The white walls were bare and the only furniture was a dresser, the bed, and a side table with a glass of water and a few books on it.
“Your room looks like a cell—”
He caught my mouth in a kiss. This one wasn’t gentle. It was passionate and needy and everything I’d wanted from him since the moment we met. I’d wanted to see him lose control.
I moaned into his mouth and tugged at his shoulders, trying to get closer. With a dark sound in the back of his throat, Dane lifted me up and dropped me onto his bed, straddling me, eyes flashing and muscles bulging.
“Kiss me,” I said, and he was on me like lightning. He was massive, and the feel of his solid weight on top of me made me wild with the need to touch every inch of him. He slid his hands under my back and began kissing my neck, wrapping me up in him, and heat flushed through me like my neck was directly connected to my cock, and every kiss, lick, and bite set me shaking with lust.
I scrabbled to get at Dane’s skin, rucking up his T-shirt so I could feel the hot expanse of his back, but I couldn’t get it off with him feasting on my n
eck. He, on the other hand, stripped me in five seconds flat, and I found myself naked and moaning on his bed with him looming over me. I felt so vulnerable like this, and I wanted him so fucking much.
“I wanna see you,” I panted, pawing at his shirt. He hesitated, jaw tight, then pulled his shirt off.
He was glorious. His torso was thickly muscled, like a suit of armor. He wasn’t cut like a bodybuilder, but brutal and powerful like a warrior. I ran my hands over his chest in awe, then down his stomach. In the dim light I could just make out markings there, and I sat up to look.
As I did, Dane wrapped his arms around his stomach and sat back.
“What’s wrong?”
“Just didn’t know I’d end up with my shirt off,” he said. “Or else I wouldn’t’ve…” He shook his head.
I put a hand gently on his arm.
“Let me see?”
Dane shivered and let his arms fall back by his sides, baring himself to me. On his stomach were the faded traces of what looked like permanent marker. I couldn’t make out what they said. But the freshest was still legible, though backward, as if to be read in the mirror: Seek discipline and find your liberty.
I traced the letters with my fingertips. When I looked up at Dane, his eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow, massive rib cage expanding and contracting too quickly.
“Baby,” I said. “Are you okay?”
Those sharp blue eyes opened and he blinked at me.
“No one’s ever called me that.”
“Baby?”
He nodded, jaw tight.
“Is it…okay?”
“Say it again,” he whispered.
“Baby,” I said, infusing all the care and desire I felt for him in my voice, hoping he could hear it. “Come here.”
I drew him down on top of me and kissed him. He made a needy sound and shuddered, pressing hard against me. He was still wearing jeans, and the friction against my erection was delicious. I thrust against him and felt how hard he was.
“Take these off?” I tugged at his waistband and he slid his jeans and underwear off. Seeing him fully, gloriously naked for the first time took my breath away.
“Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking hot.”
I put my palm on his belly, over the words, and his cock rose to kiss my hand. His breathing was still shallow, but his eyes focused on mine.
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” he said, voice so husky it was almost a whisper. Joy rushed through me. Dane’s eyes on me made me feel seen in a way I never had before.
“I want you,” I said.
I took his gorgeous erection in both hands and he gasped and fell to kissing me, our hips grinding together. I felt like there was liquid heat in my belly and my balls and at the base of my cock. Every thrust of Dane’s flesh against mine, every stroke of his tongue, every touch of his rough hands made my head spin with desire.
“Please, please,” I chanted against his lips.
“Fuck, I can’t— Christ when you beg, I—” He reached down and palmed my cock and balls in one huge hand, stilling my hips. I panted into his mouth, lips almost touching. His pupils were blown, eyes wild, jaw clenched. I let my eyelids flutter gently, then whispered, “Please.”
Dane groaned and kissed me hard, sliding between my legs, forcing my knees open. I felt so small and vulnerable, splayed out before him like that. His big hand cupping my whole package made me feel totally at his mercy and I thrust against his palm, shivering when he held me still.
“Please,” I said again, this time with genuine desperation. Every inch of my skin was hypersensitive. “I want you. I need you inside me!”
“Fuck,” Dane said suddenly. “I don’t have any condoms.”
“It’s okay,” I said fervently. “You haven’t been with anyone in a long time, right? And I’ve always used condoms. Plus, it’s been a long time for me too. I don’t…I want it.”
Dane shuddered and buried his face in my neck, groaning. I could feel his erection swell against my thigh, hot and heavy.
“I get tested when I take my sponsees,” he said. “For moral support. I would never risk you.”
“Okay, okay, please!” I begged.
“Fuck, sweetheart,” he groaned.
I was wild, desperate in my pure fucking need for him.
“Dane, please!”
“Okay,” he said, “okay.”
Relief flooded through me as he fumbled in the bedside table drawer and slicked his fingers. Dane slid close to me and spread my legs wider. I pulled my knees up and shuddered at the first touch of his slick fingers against my hole. He was so gentle, and every touch flooded me with want. When he finally slid a finger inside me, I gasped. It felt so fucking good to have a part of him inside me.
He pressed a kiss to the inside of my thigh and I could feel him trembling. I stretched my arms over my head, opening my whole body to him. Another finger joined the first and heat bloomed inside me. Another kiss to the inside of my thigh, then one to my belly.
“Dane,” I breathed.
“You look so beautiful like this,” he said. “Feel so fucking good inside.”
He was looking at me like I was everything, and I hadn’t thought it was possible to get harder, but my cock pulsed, leaking onto my belly, and I groaned. Dane began to stroke inside me, slowly at first, then deeper, harder, finding my prostate with rough fingertips and driving me higher and higher.
I caught his wrist with my hand. I’d meant to stop him so he’d fuck me, but he just looked at me with lust-filled eyes and slid in another finger, fucking me with his hand while I guided his wrist.
“Oh God, fuck,” I groaned. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever experienced, like I was fucking myself with his hand as he looked at me with lust in his eyes.
He slid his fingers deep inside and paused, letting me feel the fullness. We breathed together as I shook around him, and he leaned in to kiss me so slowly it seemed like he might never get there. Against my lips, he murmured, “I can feel your heartbeat from inside you.”
I shuddered and cried out, clenching down on him.
“Please, now you,” I begged, desperate to be connected with him, to feel him driven as out of control as I was, desperate to hold him inside me.
When he lingered, kissing my neck softly, I grabbed at his back in desperation. I heard my frustrated sob and I writhed beneath him.
“Okay, sweetheart, okay, I got you,” he said then, low and strained.
Through the fog of arousal I vaguely registered him sliding his fingers out of me and slicking himself up, then I felt him at my entrance, his arms locked on either side of my shoulders.
“You tell me if you want me to stop, okay?” he said firmly. “If you—”
“Shut up and fuck me,” I demanded, and Dane gave me the ghost of a smile.
“Okay,” he breathed.
He began to press inside me and I forced myself to relax. Fuck, he was big. I clutched the sheets and tried to breathe through the initial burn.
“Should I stop?” he asked softly, hand light on my hip.
I shook my head immediately and looked up at him. He pulled out a little bit and slid back inside, deeper this time. I was dizzy with lust and the heart-pounding feeling of being opened up by another’s body. He did it again, sliding a little deeper, and I canted my hips to change the angle. This time, he slid against my prostate and pleasure radiated through me, soothing the sting.
Dane had his eyes squeezed shut, and I could feel how much control it was taking for him to go slow. As pleasure relaxed my muscles, my breath caught at the feeling of hot fullness.
“Okay,” I said, running a hand up his arm. He opened his eyes and looked down at me like he was watching something miraculou
s. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile and clenched my ass around him a little in encouragement.
It was a slight movement, but Dane’s control snapped. He slammed the rest of the way inside me, groaning. My breath caught in my throat and the power of his thrusts left me shaking and liquid, legs falling open, hips spreading, hands reaching for any part of him I could touch.
He moved inside me with powerful thrusts, and all I could do was hold on.
Dane plunged deep inside me and froze there, groaning. He pressed kisses to my face, and I could feel him trembling, trying to keep it together. I stretched my arms above my head and guided his hand to my wrists. He easily held both in one hand. The position left me totally dependent on him. I couldn’t touch myself, couldn’t grab onto him for leverage. All I could do was feel every move of our bodies together.
He kissed the insides of my wrists, then the crooks of my elbows. Then he held my wrists there above my head with one hand while he trailed the other down my torso and wrapped it around my swollen cock.
I cried out as he touched me, clenching tight around him. With a snarl, he began to move again, hips snapping, powerful thighs and ass driving him inside me until I felt nothing but his body taking me apart. His skin, his smell, his movements were my whole world, and the pleasure built and built until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I heard myself whimpering, heard Dane groaning, but I couldn’t even open my eyes. I was shaking and straining against his body, and then everything coalesced to make me explode.
Dane pounded inside me in short, hard thrusts, and his hand tightened around my cock, jerking me in long, twisting strokes. Every muscle clenched tight, and my orgasm blasted through me, shaking me apart from the base of my spine to the liquid heat in my belly. I felt like he’d turned me inside out, sensitive tissue stimulated until I could do nothing but come and come and come on his cock, hot pulses exploding onto my stomach as he made it go on and on.
I felt floaty and shaky, cock so sensitive that every touch felt magnified, when Dane started to come. I felt it in his shaking shoulders and the guttural moan torn from his throat. He began moving faster, and then I felt him throb inside me, and he let out a strangled groan. He emptied himself, shaking and shuddering, and tiny aftershocks of pleasure ran through me.