Raze

by Roan Parrish

  “Good enough…for what?”

  “Don’t know.”

  “Try.”

  “Good enough to pay back the world. Good enough to stop trying so hard. Good enough for…” I cleared my throat and swallowed hard. “Fuck, I don’t know.”

  Felix took my hands in his, thumbs running over my knuckles. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. It made my chest ache.

  “I wanna tell you something, but I don’t want you to get upset,” he said.

  I opened my eyes. “No promises.”

  “Okay, well, just try and really listen, then.”

  “Okay,” I breathed, tucking waves of hair that had escaped his ponytail behind his ear.

  “I know I’m not an expert on addiction, or a therapist, or a philosopher. But paying back the world isn’t possible. The world is made up of people and ideas and desires and roaches and, like, hunks of plastic, and puppies. It’s not a…thing that keeps score. If you’re looking for a sign from the world when it’s had enough of you being good, you’re never going to get it.”

  “I’m not—”

  He clapped a hand over my mouth.

  “What you feel? That’s guilt, baby. And guilt’s fucking useless. The people you’ve helped? They don’t care why you’re helping. If you’re doing it to feel good about yourself, or out of empathy, or charity, or whatever. It still helps. Feeling guilty only hurts you. And, honestly?”

  He cupped my cheek.

  “Me, now. Because your schedule, your routine, all the things that you do to avoid, like, having any feelings, they don’t let you have feelings with me either. Which sucks for me. Because I want you to have feelings. I want it so much.”

  “I have feelings,” I choked out.

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded.

  “Okay.” He kissed the corner of my mouth.

  “People need me,” I said.

  “You know helping the entire world has lots of other names, like hero complex and martyr. Super-strict rituals have other words too: compulsions. Addictions.”

  I closed my eyes again.

  Felix threw his leg over my lap and came to his knees on the couch, hands on my shoulders, facing me.

  “I’m not saying stop helping people.”

  He kissed along my jaw, and I shivered at the brush of his smooth lips.

  “I’m just saying you don’t have to help everyone. Just ’cuz you’re, like, made of muscle and determination, it doesn’t mean you have to actually hold the whole world on your shoulders.” He scrunched up his nose. “What’s that dude’s name?”

  “Atlas,” I murmured against his hair.

  “Yeah. Well, he was clearly a martyr because that’s too much for any one person.”

  “He didn’t choose it. He was condemned to hold up the skies by Zeus.”

  “Well, there you go. Even the guy who everyone thinks of as holding everything on his shoulders didn’t choose to do it. So you definitely shouldn’t.” He squeezed my shoulders.

  His mythology needed work.

  “But what if—” I caught Felix’s hands and squeezed them. “What if that’s all I have to give?” My heart pounded sickly in my gut.

  His expression went impossibly soft.

  “It’s not, baby. I know it’s not.”

  “How?”

  “Because you give so much to me.”

  I shook my head. Not enough. Never as much as I wanted.

  “Let me?”

  “What?” he purred at my neck. “What do you need?”

  “Need to make you feel good. I want…want you to use me. Use me however you want to make yourself come.”

  My cock swelled tight and hard just saying the words.

  Felix tipped my chin up and his pupils were blown wide. He spoke so close that I could feel it on my lips.

  “Yeah? You want me to tell you what to do? Take whatever I want?”

  My breath came in ragged gasps. I needed to know I was pleasing him, know I was giving him pleasure. The idea turned me on so much I could hardly stand it.

  “Yes. Fuck, yes.” Heat flushed through my chest and up my neck.

  He took my hand and pressed it to his crotch. I could feel how hard he was. I cupped his cock in my hand and felt him swell even more.

  “Kiss my neck,” he said, straddling my lap. He sounded breathless, and I blinked at the jolt of lust that rocked me at his first command.

  I slid a hand up the soft skin at the back of his neck and drew him forward, kissing and sucking his throat as he writhed on top of me. I kissed along his jaw and to his ear, tracing the shell with my tongue. He let out a breathy whimper at that, so I did it again and again.

  I slid both hands into his hair, letting the soft strands curl around my fingers. Felix nearly purred when I rubbed at his scalp.

  “T-take my clothes off,” he said.

  I stripped him of his pajamas easily, tossing aside the soft fabric and baring his gorgeous skin to my hands and mouth. I stroked up and down his back as he gazed at me, like he couldn’t decide what to have me do next.

  I traced a nipple tentatively and looked up at him. Then I gave it a pinch and his head fell back.

  “Yeah, yeah, that.”

  I played with his nipples, then sucked them roughly, until they were pink and hard. I gave each a little nip that had Felix crying out and clutching at my shoulders. His cock leaked between us, untouched.

  “What else, sweetheart? What would make you feel good? I’ll do anything you want. Anything.”

  “I, ngh. Want your fingers,” he panted.

  “Lube?”

  “In the…” He pointed toward the bedside table but couldn’t reach it.

  I stood, holding him up with one hand, and got the lube. Then I sat back on the couch and settled him in my lap again.

  “God, it’s so fucking hot how strong you are,” he said. “How big. I…fuck, please.”

  He twined his fingers with mine and tugged at my hand to show me what he wanted. I slicked my fingers and he leaned forward to kiss me, arching his back so he stuck his ass out, giving me easy access.

  He was so tight and hot, and I slid two fingers inside and played with his hole, relishing every stroke as the clutch of his body let me slide deep inside. I held him steady with a hand at his hip as I worked him, and he undulated his hips as I traced circles around his prostate. He looked gorgeous, fucking himself on my fingers, eyes heavy-lidded with lust.

  “More,” he breathed, and I slid another finger inside. I worked him open so slowly it felt like I was inside him for hours. Finally, he was wet with lube and shaking, his legs hardly holding him anymore.

  “Dane,” he gasped as I slid the pads of my fingers over his prostate. “Dane, oh God, I can’t—”

  “You wanna come like this, sweetheart? Come on my fingers?”

  He nodded jerkily, eyes rolling back in his head as he eased himself all the way down, taking my fingers deeper.

  “D-don’t touch my cock, though,” he said. “Wanna come…wanna come without it.”

  I groaned, and my own erection tried to jump inside my jeans but had nowhere to go. It was an agony of aching heat and my balls felt swollen nearly to the point of pain. But none of it mattered because Felix was letting me do exactly what he wanted. He was letting me make him feel so good he was trembling.

  I added more lube and scissored my fingers inside him. He whimpered at the stretch and started bouncing on my fingers, wanting more.

  “Can you hold yourself up?”

  He wrapped his arms around my neck and nodded shakily, so I let his hip go and brought my other hand to his slick hole. I left the three fingers filling him, and with my other hand I eased in one
finger and curled it to nail his prostate.

  “Oh God, fuck, Dane, oh!”

  He lifted himself up and wiggled back down again and again, shuddering at the penetration and the prostate stimulation, until he was writhing in my lap.

  “You’re so gorgeous, Felix, so amazing like this. Take anything you want.”

  He was sweating and weak, his thighs shaking with the effort of moving on me. When he opened his eyes, they were desperate and liquid.

  He made a needy sound and I locked my arms around his hips as I kept my fingers inside him, giving him some support.

  “Oh, oh!” he cried out as the change let him fuck himself deeper onto my fingers. I pressed against his prostate even harder, massaging it, and Felix screamed, cock jerking between us, and his ass clenched as he came in great pulsing spurts. His head was thrown back and his cheeks and throat flushed, his chest limned with sweat. He was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen.

  He kept circling his hips as he came down, my fingers wringing shivers of pleasure out of him, his insides still tensing around me.

  When he caught his breath, he collapsed against my chest, hot cheek burning at my neck.

  “That good?” I needed so badly to hear him tell me.

  “So good.”

  I moved to carry him to the bed, thinking I’d get a washcloth for him, but he caught my wrist and I stilled. He slid a shaky hand to my crotch and groaned at what he felt there.

  “God, you’re so hard.”

  “Mmf.”

  “So hard for me?”

  “Always for you.”

  “Dane.” He lay back on the couch. “Fuck me till you come inside me.”

  A shudder went through me at his words, but I shook my head.

  “You’re too sensitive,” I ground out. “ ’M too big.”

  Felix fixed me with that determined glare that did funny things to my chest. “You said you wanted to give me what I want.”

  I groaned, biting my lip, and he cupped me through my jeans.

  “I want you to put this huge, hard, perfect cock inside me. And I want you to fuck me with it until it explodes.”

  A broken sound tore from my throat and I was on him as I fumbled with my zipper. He pulled my jeans down over my hips and I slicked my cock roughly, shivering at the touch of my own hand.

  “Do you need—”

  “No.” Felix took my ass in both hands and pulled me into him, head thrown back as I breached him.

  “Oh, fuuuck,” I groaned as I slid inside him. “Need…need…please, I.”

  I couldn’t form sentences, could hardly make words. Every single thought was on sliding deep inside Felix. He canted his hips and threw his arms over his head, the gesture clearly saying Take me.

  And, fuck, I did. I slammed into him and it was like coming home, his slick heat surrounding me, his cries egging me on.

  It wasn’t going to take long. I’d been so on the edge for so long. Felix grabbed my ass again, pressed his fingers to my hole, and I came so hard I lost time. The orgasm roared from my gut and my balls through my whole body and out my cock, and I poured myself into Felix as a pleasure purer than any drug burned me from the inside out.

  I had my face buried in his neck when I came back to myself, and his hands stroking my back and over my head.

  “You with me?” he asked quietly.

  I nodded. Then I remembered how rough I’d been just before I came and I eased out of him and bent between his legs, needing to make sure I hadn’t hurt him.

  He hissed but assured me he was fine. He kissed my lips and my cheeks, and I kept my eyes squeezed tightly shut. I felt a damp towel cleaning me and Felix murmuring words I didn’t register. He made me share a glass of water with him, and then he pulled me to his bed.

  “Lie down.”

  I hadn’t intended to stay the night when I’d come over; I’d just wanted to see his face.

  “You’re coming to bed too?” I heard myself ask.

  “Yeah, baby.”

  I let out a breath as he slid under the covers beside me. I felt dazed and floaty, but hyper-focused, like I could feel the blood pulsing under my skin, feel my lungs expand as I breathed. Felix curled onto his side and rested his head on my shoulder, arm over my stomach and leg over one of mine, and I wished I could feel his weight on me forever.

  “Was that okay?” I asked, taking his hand in mine.

  “It was amazing. Perfect. You’re amazing,” he murmured, kissing my shoulder, then settling back down with me.

  I hummed in pleasure and let myself drift on a wave of peace.

  Chapter 10

  Felix

  Sofia was leaving for tour tomorrow. I’d been ticking off the days in my mental calendar, but it had snuck up on me regardless and struck like a snake. All day, I’d pushed aside the reality that she’d be gone. That we’d be in different states for the very first time. That she was about to embark on a life I had nothing to do with.

  We’d planned a sibling send-off night, with snacks and movies we’d liked since we were kids. I was looking forward to having the whole night with her for what seemed like the first time in forever, to relax and shoot the shit without knowing we only had an hour before she would have to leave again.

  I made taco pizza, Sofia’s favorite, and got the computer set up on the coffee table so we could have movies on in the background.

  As I was getting out of the shower, I heard the door open and her call, “Fuck yes, taco pizza!”

  I grinned, paused my audiobook, and tugged on my pajamas.

  In the kitchen, Sofia had her fingers in the pizza and a huge empty duffel bag on her shoulder. My happiness melted away at the reminder that she was leaving.

  “Sooo good, bro,” she said.

  I smiled. “Good. Um. Pretty big bag. You ever coming back?”

  She dropped it on the stool by the window.

  “Coco lent it to me. I don’t have anything big enough for tour. So many fucking outfits, I swear.”

  I had already promised myself that no matter how devastated I was that she was leaving, I wasn’t going to sour our last night together, or ruin her excitement. I pinched the inside of my wrist.

  “You’re gonna look like a real rock star, huh?”

  For a moment, Sofia grinned. When her smile faltered, though, she looked uncertain, like the girl who had come upstairs with a folded envelope from Fordham and handed it to me, too nervous to open it.

  “I guess you’re gonna be a real rock star,” I amended.

  “Fuck. Guess I am. I need taco pizza, stat.”

  We loaded up our plates, and then Sof just brought the whole tray of pizza out too.

  For a minute, she stared at her pizza, then softly she said, “People are gonna hate me. I’m not used to it.”

  “Sure you are. Ramona hated you for a good two years when she was in seventh and eighth grade. And I definitely hated you for at least a month your senior year.”

  She smiled a little.

  “They already hate me. The second Riven announced, thousands of people hated me.”

  I’d seen the internet response to Sof as the lead singer. It was exactly as sexist and misogynist as you’d imagine. I hadn’t told Sof I looked, though, hoping maybe she’d be too busy to see it.

  “They hate the idea of you.”

  She snorted. “Is that better?”

  “Yeah! Because it means that once they see how amazing you are they’ll love you. People just hate new things, and they like to be louder about hate than love on the internet. Plus, you know, most people suck.”

  “Yeah. Okay. I know. Whatever. I shouldn’t care, right? It’s just wild to know that a ton of people are gonna have opinions about me. Like, historically, only
about ten people have ever had opinions about me and now suddenly it’s magnified by a million.”

  “It’s super weird. But just because people have opinions doesn’t mean their opinions matter. You have to not let them matter. Because I swear to God, if you turn into one of those famous people who like check how many Twitter followers they have, or won’t eat cake, or wear two-hundred-dollar plain white T-shirts, I’ll disown you.”

  She scrunched up her face. “Two-hundred-dollar white T-shirts?” Then she looked thoughtful. “Actually, I bet Ven totally has those. But point taken. Whatever. You know what, can we not talk about my imminent fame right now? Can we just eat delicious taco pizza and watch happy shit?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I put on the first movie and after we’d finished our pizza, I said, “Wanna know a secret?”

  “Obviously.”

  “Well, okay, it’s not really a secret secret.”

  “Jeez, way to get me all excited and then a hundred percent not deliver.”

  “It is exciting, it’s just not a— Oh, never mind. Now I don’t even wanna tell you.”

  I faux pouted and pretended to go back to watching the movie. Sofia captured my ponytail and made snipping motions in the air.

  “Tell, or the hair gets it.”

  “I really like Dane. Like, really, really, really like him.”

  “Wow.” She released my hair. “Tell me.”

  I bit my lip, trying to figure out how to even explain everything I liked about him.

  “I just…when I’m with him, I feel better than I ever have, like ever. It feels like my whole body is happy.”

  Sof smiled, expression soft.

  “It’s peace and excitement and desire and just…I don’t know. He’s not really the kind of person I ever imagined myself with, but somehow that’s perfect because all the things I like most about being with him I didn’t even know I wanted. I don’t know, I sound like an idiot.”

  “You sound like you’re in love.”

  I blinked at her.

  “Wow, you should see your face.”

  I blinked at her some more.

  “Felix? Bro? Are you catatonic with love? Felix.”