by Kyra Lennon
Play On
By
Kyra Lennon
Play On © Kyra Lennon 2015
E-edition published worldwide 2015 © Kyra Lennon
All rights reserved in all media. This book may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, in whole or in part, without written permission from the author.
All characters and events featured in this book are entirely fictional and any resemblance to any person, organisation, place or thing is purely coincidental and completely unintentional.
Praise for Game On
"Loved this book! Radleigh might be loathsome, but he's magnetic! Kyra has a witty style and excellent character development." - Elizabeth Seckman, Author of Past Due
"Game On is a moving, emotional, very real contemporary romance filled with fun, friendship, laughter, and a look on the human condition" - Clare Dugmore, Writer
Praise for Blindsided
“Once again, Kyra Lennon has brought some fantastic characters to life, and as with Taylor in Game On she hasn't shied away from a love-to-hate character Mischa.” - Annalisa Crawford, Author of Cat and The Dreamer and That Sadie Thing
“I absolutely loved this book! It was such an easy read, had it done in two sittings, and the love story was so cute and sweet. I think it was a perfect fit for Jesse, because he deserves this kind of love story.” - Becca Ann, Author of Reasons I Fell For The Funny Fat Friend
“Blindsided is another first-rate romance from Lennon. It's quite cute at first glance - with attractive teen characters and a snowy, festive setting.” - Nick Wilford, Writer
Praise for Sidelined
“Anyone looking for a story about why people STAY together after falling in love should pick this up. It's a story about self-discovery, how expectations and reality are two very different things... but not in a bad way. There's great, relatable characters, some tragedy, and finding out what's important in life.” – Cassie Mae, Author of How to Date a Nerd
“There were moments of humor and parts that ripped out my heart. I ugly cried at the end, but it was a good ending. Sidelined makes us think about those around us - how we love them and how they love us. A wonderful book!” – Krista McLaughlin, Author of Breathless
“(Sidelined) feels more grown up, more dramatic and it shows that as the series has matured, so has Kyra's writing style.” – Alex Tanner, Author of Tequila Bartender
Dedication
To Clare Dugmore for being my number one cheerleader and Bryce Warren fangirl – I love you!
Chapters
Chapter 1 – That’s Progress
Chapter 2 – Kick It Like a Bryce Warren Strike
Chapter 3 – At Last
Chapter 4 - Weird
Chapter 5 - Awkward
Chapter 6 – It’s a Process
Chapter 7 – Considering the Consequences
Chapter 8 – Lost In My Own Life
Chapter 9 – The Queen of Bad Decisions
Chapter 10 - Space
Chapter 11 - Baby
Chapter 12 - Clarity
Chapter 13 - Perfect
Chapter 14 – Something Unexpected
Chapter 1 – That’s Progress
“People keep asking me if I’m ready. I’ll never be ready.”
I let out a sigh, tucking my knees up to my chest and resting my head against Will’s gravestone, the coldness denying me the comfort I so desperately needed. Even the warmth of the sun beating down couldn’t block out the chill inside me.
“Four months, Will. How could that possibly be enough time to be ready?”
Four months. Actually, to be accurate, one-hundred and nineteen days. One-hundred and nineteen days since I kissed Will goodbye before he went to visit his mom. One-hundred and nineteen days since I received the call.
One-hundred and nineteen days since I felt normal. Since I felt anything much more than sadness and indifference to the world around me.
Numbness set in a little after Will’s funeral. All the pain, anger and unfairness balled up inside me then vanished, leaving a gaping hole in its place. After four months, perhaps I was supposed to feel better. Or at least not feel as if dragging myself out of bed every day was a waste of effort. There were moments when my world brightened, but mostly I carried around a cold, heavy weight inside me that pulled me down, keeping me on the ground and I was powerless to free myself from its hold.
“I’m trying, Will. I’m really trying. I try to think about what you’d tell me if you were here.” A small, hollow laugh slipped out of my mouth. “If you were here, I wouldn’t need you to tell me anything. Everything would be right.”
The urge to wrap my arms around Will’s gravestone as if it were him overtook me as it so often did. Maybe I’d be able to feel just a fraction of his warmth. Maybe he’d be able to feel me and hear my words. Maybe that would be enough for him to give me a sign that he heard me instead of me just talking to a piece of rock in a cemetery.
Of course, I knew better. Hugging a headstone could never give me what I needed.
I was due to start work again in the morning. My first working day without Will, and no, I wasn’t ready but I didn’t think I ever would be. I had to go back sometime though. Richard had already been more than generous about giving me time off, and I needed to fill my days with something more useful than replaying everything about that day over and over as if I could change the ending, or parking myself on Leah’s sofa and watching mindless TV for hours on end. It was time to get back to reality. Work, travel, less late nights and more time away from home.
Less time to sit beside Will.
It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Calling my time in the cemetery “sitting with Will”. Obviously, I knew that wasn’t really the case, and it certainly wasn’t normal. I couldn’t see, hear, or feel him but it was the closest I could get. I could pretend he was listening because I wasn’t ready to stop telling him about my day, or my feelings, or how much I missed him.
With a sigh I raised my head and pulled myself to my feet, dusting off my jeans to get rid of any stray grass that might have stuck to my butt.
“I should go. But I’ll be back soon. I love you.”
If I hadn’t so badly needed to tell him I’d have rolled my eyes at myself.
Normal didn’t exist for me anymore.
**
I peered out of my bedroom window and spotted Bryce Warren’s car pulling up outside. My heart sped up to an intense thump and I drew in a few deep breaths, wiping my sweaty palms on my shorts. Bryce had offered to drive me to work, partly for moral support, and partly because we all knew if he didn’t, I might not make it.
I hadn’t slept much the night before. Instead, I’d tossed and turned, got up and paced around, trying to prepare myself for the day ahead. It was like starting school for the first time; stepping into the unknown. Obviously work wasn’t unknown, but at the very least it would be a little unfamiliar for a while. I hadn’t stepped foot inside the Warriors training ground since the day of Will’s funeral. I hadn’t seen most of my colleagues since then either. I’d talked to some of them on the phone, but aside from my closest friends and Richard, I hadn’t seen anyone. Couldn’t face them. Couldn’t face going back to my workplace, not even to say hello to everyone, or to meet my new colleague; Will’s replacement. I sort of felt bad for the guy, coming onto the team the way he did. It must have been uncomfortable for him. It was uncomfortable for everyone, but they’d had four months to get used to it. Everyone said he’d settled in well and was a hard worker but… he wasn’t Will.
Blowing out another breath I straightened up, grabbed my bag and headed out to meet Bryce.
Show time.
“Morning.” He greeted me with a smile as I climbed into
the passenger seat of his car, still trying to control my racing heart. “You okay?”
I swiped a hand across my forehead then pressed my fingers into my still-perspiring palms. “I’ve been better.”
“Hey.” Bryce reached out and turned my face to his, his brown eyes full of concern. “Talk to me.”
My mouth opened but words failed me. How was I supposed to explain that going back to work felt like losing Will all over again? That being there without him was going to cripple me?
Bryce unclipped his seat belt, shuffled towards me and pulled me into his arms.
“I know,” he said, as I fell against his chest. “I know. We’ve all felt it, Freya. I get that it wasn’t exactly the same for the rest of us as it will be for you, and we all did it together, but we still felt it. Nobody’s expecting anything from you today. We just want you back on the team.”
“I want to be back on the team, Bryce. I do. I just don’t know how to do it.”
“Slowly. You’ll do it slowly. It’s just a couple of days and we’re not even playing away this weekend so if work gets too much you can go home and clear your head.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that home wasn’t always my favourite place to be anymore. Will’s belongings were mostly still there. His parents had taken some of his personal things; yearbooks, and a few boxes of stuff from his childhood that meant more to them than me. That was their connection to him. Mine was in the things still hanging around; his clothes, silly material things like cinema tickets and restaurant receipts he’d left on our dresser. I’d tucked them away, because as silly and material as those things were, he’d held them. They still had him on them and I needed them close.
Bryce gave me a comforting squeeze before letting me go, and I threw him a half-hearted smile. “Let’s go get this over with.”
The sound of the radio was a welcome distraction on the drive to work. I listened to the cheerful presenters gossiping about the newest celebrity scandals taking up the front pages of the magazines. It filtered in and out of my mind as I stared out of the window, waiting for the usual morning traffic to get moving while simultaneously hoping we’d be stuck there all day so I wouldn’t have to face my biggest fear.
When we pulled into the Warriors parking lot I remained glued to my seat, staring at the building and what I could see of the pitch. Already a few of my team mates sat on the field, drinking water and enjoying the morning sun before training began. Cody Rivera chatted to Miguel and Jude, the three of them laughing about something, and I was about to go in there and cast a dark cloud over their good mood.
Miguel had offered to drive me to work that morning, but… I’d been keeping my distance from him. Heartless as it sounds, being around Miguel was painful for. I couldn’t always avoid him, and I didn’t want to, I wanted to be cool with him again but he was Will’s best friend and I wasn’t strong enough to carry his grief as well as my own. Our other friends, they could hold it back, but Miguel and I crumbled if we spent too much time alone together. Both of us drowning each other in tears, incapable to stop or to help each other because while we understood, we only multiplied each other’s sadness. I hadn’t seen him in over a month. Maybe things would be different now but seeing him was another hurdle I wasn’t ready to jump yet.
“You ready?”
I nodded. “I guess so.”
My shaky legs just about managed to co-operate as I got out of the car, and Bryce took hold of my hand as we walked across the parking lot to begin what I feared would be one of the most difficult days of my life.
Cody, Miguel and Jude were the first to spot us, and time seemed to stand still as they froze, all except for the smiles that died on their faces. Their heads lowered as if embarrassed to be caught enjoying themselves.
See. Just as I thought. I’m the dark cloud ruining their banter.
After a second, Miguel got to his feet and jogged over to me, the smile returning to his face as he bundled me into a hug, his trademark afro scratching at my cheek.
“Welcome back,” he said, taking my bag from my hand as he released me, as if I was too frail to carry it. Honestly, I probably looked that way. I was, however, grateful he hadn’t mentioned my lack of contact over the last few weeks. He greeted me as if nothing had changed, like I hadn’t backed out of every meet-up he was invited to.
“Thanks. I’m totally dreading this.”
With Miguel and Bryce on either side of me, trapped so I couldn’t escape, we walked along the edge of the pitch towards the locker room. On the way, my team mates called out, welcoming me back, and I tried to smile and thank them but being there for the first time since the funeral had widened the gaping hole inside me and intensified the chill in my stomach.
You can almost smell grief in the air and even though time had passed, I smelt it. Like the funeral happened yesterday. It’s musty, like a room that hasn’t been aired for a long time. Stuffy and suffocating. I could still see everyone dressed in black. Mourners with their heads bowed, nodding to each other in understanding but trying not to look too enthusiastic because nobody is supposed to look happy at a funeral. If one single person cracks the tiniest smile, it’s considered a sign of disrespect.
“Freya?”
I hadn’t realised I’d stopped until Bryce’s voice cut through my flashback or whatever the hell it was. As my surroundings faded back in I took in a huge gulp of air, throwing my arms out to grab onto the guys to ensure I stayed on my feet.
The world sped past me in a dizzying blur and Miguel and Bryce tightened their grip on me. I leaned into Bryce, his hard muscle a solid wall keeping me upright. I was shaky when I arrived at work but suddenly I was trembling uncontrollably, my legs like spaghetti, and my heart… oh God, my heart was pounding so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.
“I need to… I…”
Sweat broke out on my forehead and my palms had grown slick again. I couldn’t seem to express what I wanted or needed but Miguel and Bryce lowered me to the ground. I was aware Miguel had moved away from me but all I could think about was how much I was trembling, and why it had happened. Was I getting sick? Was this the start of some weird summer flu?
Or was I just too weak to do my job without Will?
“Here, drink some water.”
Miguel handed me a bottle, which he’d kindly already opened for me, and I took small sips in between deep breaths.
I refused to look at anyone other than the two people beside me but I felt as though everyone was staring, just like they did when I first walked in. I felt eyes boring into me, heard people pitying me and muttering that maybe I shouldn’t be there. Maybe it was still too soon. My cheeks heated and I mumbled, “This isn’t how today was supposed to go.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Miguel said. “You feeling any better?”
I shook my head. Everything was hazy and although my heart rate had slowed, my body was still quivering and I couldn’t feel my legs.
“You think you can stand?” Bryce asked. “We should get you inside. Richard will want to see you.”
“Like this? I’m a disaster. He’ll make me go home.”
I heard the unspoken words between Miguel and Bryce. Maybe that’s for the best. I didn’t want to go home but I didn’t want to stay where I was either. I let them lift me to my feet and they held me upright between them. As I finally shifted my gaze from the floor, relief flooded me when I realised that nobody was staring, and nobody was muttering.
Of course not, idiot. Hardly anyone is here yet. Stop being so damn paranoid!
Once I’d been escorted to Richard’s office, Bryce left to find our boss and Miguel sat me down at the visitor side of Richard’s desk then crouched down in front of me. “You look terrible.”
“Gee, thanks. Always good to hear.” Four weeks with no contact and those were the first words out of his mouth when we were alone? Way to make a girl feel better.
“Come on, you know what I mean. Are you sleeping okay?”
I shook my head. “Not so much. I stopped taking the sleeping tablets the doctor prescribed because I feel shitty enough most of the time anyway. I’m tired, but at least I’m lucid.”
The tablets were a last resort for me anyway; I hated poisoning my body with drugs. I tried everything to get an undisturbed sleep after Will died – exercise, warm baths and hot milk before bed, natural remedies; I even tried crystals for relaxation but none of it helped. Sleeping tablets were the only thing left and while I enjoyed my first few nights of real rest, the pills left me with a foggy feeling that was worse than just being a bit tired.
Worry sat heavy in Miguel’s eyes and he reached for my hand. “If you weren’t feeling good you should have told Richard and asked for more time off.”
“I don’t want more time off.” I snatched my hand away. “No matter when I came back this was always going to be hard. I just… I didn’t expect it to be this hard.”
The memory of my weird attack outside sent a ripple of panic down my spine. That was new. And terrifying. Even though I’d calmed down since I got inside, the after effects lingered in my heavy legs and rapid pulse.
“I’m sorry,” Miguel said. “I know this was never going to be easy.”
His chocolate brown eyes lowered and my heart sank. Still hard to be around him. Seeing Miguel was still an added reminder on top of everything else of what I’d lost. What I missed.
But none of this was his fault.
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought if I was going to, I don’t know, flip out or whatever, it would happen later. When training had actually started, and I’d look around for Will like always and…” The words stuck in my throat. “It’s been two minutes and I can’t stand being here without him. How am I supposed to get over that?”