by Kyra Lennon
“I hear ya.” Bryce pulled me in a touch closer so we could hear each other above the music. I kind of wanted to laugh. This was not the kind of conversation usually held on a dance floor. “It’s not exactly the same but when I first split with Sarah people kept asking me the same question too, with that look.”
Without realising what I was doing until it was too late, I tilted my head a little. “How are you doing?”
Bryce laughed. “I’m okay. It’s definitely weird being on my own and I miss my girls like crazy, but when I start to feel bad, I remember what it was like when we still lived together. Sarah and I weren’t living together anymore; we were two people sharing a house. It’s one thing to sit alone with nobody to talk to, but when you’re with the person you committed your whole life to and there’s silence… it’s a lot worse. We get along better now.”
“Do you think you’ll work things out?”
He shook his head. “I don’t love her the way I should. The way I used to. She doesn’t love me that way either. I think…” he trailed off and lowered his head. “I think she’s moved on already. Peyton mentioned something about some guy coming around and taking mommy out to dinner. It doesn’t matter; it’s definitely over but I’d have preferred to hear she’s dating from her, not from the kids. And I don’t like how she’s introduced them to someone new so quickly, but this is how things are now.”
The flicker of hurt in Bryce’s eyes made me step closer and give him a hug. Accepting something’s over doesn’t mean it won’t hurt anymore, and compared to the length of time they’d been married, the time they’d been apart was so short.
A blurry but familiar figure rushed by us, roughly shoving us aside. I don’t think he even noticed who we were as he hurried to the bar, and Bryce and I followed him with our eyes, our mouths dropping open.
“Was that Radleigh?”
Bryce nodded. “He said he wasn’t coming out tonight. Said he wanted to spend the evening with Leah.”
I raised my head to look up at him. “Has Radleigh said anything to you about him and Leah?”
His shoulders sagged a little. “Those two. I thought once they got together things would be better between them.”
“It is better.” God, it was so much better. When they first met it was almost dangerous to be in the same room with them. They fired each other up, and not always in the good way. But those times had passed, or so I’d thought.
“It’s a different kind of arguing now.” Bryce sighed. “I don’t know too much, but I do know that Leah’s been clingy. She doesn’t trust Radleigh and I’m afraid she’s gonna push him away by trying to keep him close. Like now, for example.”
He nodded towards the bar where Radleigh downed a bottle of beer, almost in one, then ordered another right away. His posture was rigid and tension oozed from him in waves.
Why didn’t I know about this? If I hadn’t overheard the argument the night before I’d never have had a hint that anything was wrong.
Of course, I knew why. It was just as I thought. Leah, and everyone, didn’t want to put anything else on me.
A woman dressed in hot pants and a neon pink halter neck top approached Radleigh; she couldn’t have been more than twenty-one, possibly younger. Some clubs were so lax with their standards. With absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, Nightclub Barbie took the beer bottle from his hands, wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in to whisper something in his ear.
My eyes widened, as did Radleigh’s, at this girl’s shameless come-on. He pushed her away, shooting her an intimidating glare. She shrugged but wasn’t stupid enough to have another try with him.
In spite of Bryce’s concerns, I knew better. I knew Radleigh when he’d been in a serious relationship before Leah. He’d pretended not to be as crazy about Jen as he was, but he was so hurt when she cheated on him with Westberg’s goalkeeper at the time. He turned into a one-night-only guy until he met Leah. As much as he’d loved Jen, it didn’t compare to how he was with my best friend. Don’t misunderstand me; I was never his biggest fan. He could be such a jerk sometimes, but he’d softened. I’d hated the idea of him being with Leah until I realised how alike they were in some ways; how broken they were when they were apart. Whatever was happening, I couldn’t imagine Radleigh letting Leah push him away.
“Do you think…?” I paused to decide whether or not to finish the sentence. What I considered doing was something I’d never done before. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind before. Leah was my friend; Radleigh was her boyfriend. My loyalty and all listening duties should have been directed towards her. Something in the way Radleigh sat, with his back straight and his shoulders tense… I didn’t like the idea of him sitting alone, stewing over whatever had happened.
“Go for it,” Bryce said. “But be careful you don’t end up in between the two of them. Radleigh’s my best buddy, and you know I think the world of Leah. Being in the middle is rough.”
“She talks to you?” I thought Bryce mostly hung out with Radleigh when he was at their house. When did Leah and Bryce get time to talk?
He smiled. “Don’t look at me that way. You’re not losing your place as the best friend, Freya, I swear. Once or twice I’ve been caught up in fights while I’ve been there, that’s all. Sometimes Radleigh walks out, sometimes Leah walks out. I listen to whoever’s left. It doesn’t happen often, but there’s definitely tension.”
“Okay. I’ll give it a try.”
Bryce gave an encouraging smile before I battled my way to the bar. What the hell am I thinking here? He’s never going to appreciate me interfering in whatever’s happening with him and Leah. Except I wasn’t interfering. I was concerned for Leah; for both of them. And deep down inside, a bubble of guilt powered this move because I should have known. I should have been there for her sooner.
“Hey, Radleigh.”
He slowly swivelled around on his stool, now halfway through his second beer and no sign of his stress easing.
“Freya. You need a drink?”
I shook my head. “I wanted to… I thought…” Sheesh, where had my words gone? I’d worked with him for more than four years but I still found him a little intimidating, especially when he was angry. Skating the fine line between concern and triggering his temper put me on edge, but if I could help, I had to try. After all, he had allowed me to take up residence in one of his spare rooms for a lot of the last few months. It was only fair I tried to repay the favour.
“Spit it out, Freya.”
“Do you wanna talk? I mean… I… I heard you and Leah fighting last night, and now you’re here without her and-”
He glared. “She’s pregnant. I won’t let her go to clubs while she’s got my baby inside her.”
Wow. Dick mode engaged. Perhaps I shouldn’t have wasted my time. With a nod, I turned away.
“Wait. I’m sorry.”
The word was so alien coming from his lips I almost lost my footing as I spun back around. I raised an eyebrow and he shrugged. “White wine spritzer?”
“Sure.”
He ordered my drink and I nudged my way in between Radleigh and yet another woman who gave him the eye. Jesus. The amount of attention this guy got had to put him on par with Chris Hemsworth and Nick Bateman. It was no surprise Leah felt insecure sometimes. He was ogled whether out alone or with her; some women truly have no shame.
Radleigh handed me my drink, and after thanking him, I said, “You wanna tell me what happened?”
Blowing out a breath, he shook his head. “I don’t understand her right now. It’s like some kind of monster has taken over her and she can’t hear anything I say.”
“What’s the problem? I overheard her saying something about being lonely.”
“Right. And it’s crazy. I know she misses me when I’m away, but it’s never for longer than a couple of days, and she knows where I am. I call her. All the time. When I land wherever we’re going, when I get to the hotel. I call her before I go to sleep, and first thing i
n the morning. I always have. Nothing’s changed, but the past few weeks it’s like nothing is enough. Every time I leave the house she wants to know where I’m going and how long I’ll be. If I’m late, she freaks out, and I can’t… I don’t know what to do.”
I never thought I’d see the day when I felt bad for Radleigh McCoy. Perhaps this was karma for all the women he’d pumped and dumped over the years.
“You’re not… thinking of leaving her, right?”
Truly, I didn’t think he would but he looked so dejected.
His head snapped up, shock in his eyes. “Of course not. But she keeps making stupid comments about how there are so many women I meet when I’m on the road, and how none of them are frumpy and overweight like she is. Sometimes she baits me and other times she’s quiet about it, but it’s always the same thing. She thinks she doesn’t look good and that I’ll find someone else. I don’t want anyone else. Why would I?”
“Why do you think she feels this way?”
“Damned if I know. My mom says it’s hormonal. Some crap about how she wants to keep her family close right now and I should be patient. I’m trying to be, but she keeps on pushing. It’s just so damn frustrating!” He growled, his fists clenched. “I can’t believe after everything she still doesn’t trust me.”
I couldn’t help thinking it was because of everything that she still didn’t trust him, but that was beside the point. Because, honestly, he was right. Again. Their rough start was over. Like a million years ago. While we both knew it was a hormonal thing making her paranoid, it didn’t make the situation any easier to live with.
“I’ve never been pregnant so I can’t speak from experience,” I began, “but I have friends who have children, and some of them said they went through the same kind of thing. They felt gross and heavy and unattractive, and-”
Radleigh shook his head. “She’s never looked more fucking beautiful. Every day I’m with her, and I know she’s carrying our baby inside her, it makes me… I just want to kiss her and thank her for giving me something I never knew I wanted so much. She’s not unattractive, she’s perfect.” He turned to me, his fingers unclenching slightly and a tiny smile lifting the corners of his lips. “If you tell anyone I said that, I’ll kill you.”
I laughed softly. “Have you told Leah? Because she’s the one who needs to hear it. If you feel that way every day, tell her every day. Tell her until she believes it. Don’t let her let those bad thoughts get the best of her. She’s tough, she can work through it on her own, but she doesn’t have to. You’re here.”
I blinked back the tears as I said those last words because I wanted that. A man who was there for me. Like Leah, I could deal on my own, I had no choice. But I wanted to feel love again, the way I did with Will. More than anything, I wanted to get through a full conversation with someone that didn’t end with me feeling so shitty. Shitty about losing Will, and shitty for being a useless friend.
“I do tell her,” Radleigh said. “Sometimes it’s okay and it makes her feel better. Other times it’s the start of a new fight.”
“Tell her more often.” I took a few swallows of my drink, trying to get my focus back on Radleigh. “There are what… two months left until the baby’s due?” Radleigh nodded in confirmation. “That’s a long time when things aren’t great between you, but once the baby comes, everything will be good again.”
“Will you talk to her? Could you try to get her to open up and tell you what the hell’s going on inside her head?”
“Sure. But keep in mind I can’t break the best friend code. Whatever she tells me, I can’t tell you.”
He rolled his eyes, but I knew he understood. I was being slightly facetious with the mention of “the code” but there was truth at the heart of it. I wouldn’t betray her; wouldn’t betray either of them. But if I could help them smooth things over, I would.
That familiar ache crept back into my bones; Leah wasn’t the only one with a monster taking over her brain. I downed the rest of my drink, and even though I’d barely been at the club for an hour, I needed to get out. There was somewhere I needed to be.
Chapter 3 – At Last
Creeping around a cemetery after dark is something only weirdos do, right? Then, I’d definitely become a weirdo. Using the torch on my iPhone to light my way, I wished I’d brought a jacket with me. It had gotten chilly, and I was mildly creeped out about being in a graveyard at 10.30pm. I kept shifting my eyes from side to side and turning around to make sure I wasn’t being followed. If anyone had followed me, they’d have thought me totally nuts and more than a touch paranoid.
But I knew where I needed to be. Even though it was stupid and maybe reckless. Who knew what kind of people hung around in cemeteries when the sun faded and the moon came out?
I craved peace, and going home wasn’t going to provide enough. Sure, it was my sanctuary, but after trying to help Radleigh with Leah, and remembering that special feeling of being wrapped up with someone you love, I had to be close to Will. Had to talk to him and settle the unease inside me.
I reached Will’s grave and sat down next to his headstone in my usual spot.
“Nights out without you suck. All nights without you suck, but I really miss that awesome feeling of having a great night out with you then going home together and lying on the bed, laughing about everything that happened. The warmth of being close to you. I think I miss that more than anything, especially right now.”
A tear dripped down my cheek and I brushed it away with the back of my hand.
“I know I have to stop this. I have to stop talking to you like you can hear me. Like you’ll appear and hold me, and tell me how to move forward. Because I know you can’t and you won’t. I guess if you could, if I knew I could just come here and see you again, I’d never move on.
“Every single first without you kills me, Will. Tonight I really wanted to stay at the club. I wanted to socialise and hear more about everyone’s lives because I think I’ve turned into a selfish bitch. That’s not me, but now I’m lost. I’m trying so damn hard to make an effort to be part of our group again but this past year so many things have changed for so many people, and since you died, I’ve changed. I miss you so much that part of me is missing too. Part of me died with you, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s just what happens when you love someone. But I have to find a way to heal, or at least learn to live without the chunk of my heart that was buried with you. I just… I wish you could give me a sign, or some kind of message to help me figure out how to do that.”
I’d heard about people who’d gotten “messages” from the other side. Read about them in magazines, and seen them on those shows where those with “the gift” talk to dead people and relay words of comfort from people who’ve passed. I wasn’t much of a believer in any of it. Those shows and stories seemed like examples of con artists playing on people’s emotions, and exploiting the vulnerable to make a quick buck. But I’d never more wanted to believe. To think Will could send me the answers I needed to help me when I couldn’t find a way to help myself.
More tears dripped down my cheeks and I wiped them away then stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to leave but I knew I shouldn’t stay. Underdressed for a night time walk anywhere, let alone a damn cemetery, I questioned my sanity again. If I’d calculated all the time I’d spent in that exact spot beside Will’s grave, the number would have been huge. I didn’t always talk to him, especially not during the day when there was a chance of being overheard. But I had spoken to him more than was probably considered normal. Did “normal” people talk to their dead loved ones at all? I asked Bree once, but she said she didn’t. Her nightmares stopped her from wanting to. Of course, her situation was a lot different to mine. I knew she’d talked to Will after he died, right after his funeral. But she didn’t keep coming back for hours on end, just to be close to him.
“Freya.”
I spun around, heart pounding at the sound of my name. For a seco
nd I thought… no. Stupid, Freya.
“What are you doing out here?”
Miguel didn’t sound surprised; after all, he’d known where to find me. His eyes flickered with sadness; whether for me or Will I didn’t know. I opened my mouth to explain but no words came out. What would I have said? It wasn’t as if my friends didn’t know where I went when I disappeared for long periods of time.
“You just left the club without a word to anyone. We were worried. Can we please get out of here?”
I couldn’t bear the pain on his face; it intensified the chills running through me, sprinkling my arms with goose bumps.
“Freya, please. I can’t stand being here but I won’t leave you here alone.”
I nodded, stepping towards him. Miguel was the most laid back person I’d ever known but he hated the cemetery. Never visited Will’s grave. I once overheard him telling Leah he didn’t want to think of Will buried under the earth; it was too morbid and miserable. If he wanted to feel close to Will, work was the best place to be, not somewhere that didn’t hold good memories of him, somewhere Will had never been connected to.
“I’m sorry I worried you.”
Miguel slipped his jacket off and placed it around my shoulders. The warmth was welcome after the cold chill of the night air. He wrapped his arm around me, guiding me towards home as my tears continued to silently fall.
“I don’t want tea.”
Miguel halted on his way to my kitchen and turned to me. I stood in the hallway, his jacket still over my shoulders. My tears had dried, but my legs ached. My heart ached.
So. Damn. Tired.
“Do you want anything?” he asked.
“Beer and sleep.”
He shook his head. “Not beer. You’re shivering; you need something warm.”
In a childish protest, I shrugged his jacket off and threw it over the chair in the hallway before pushing past him and grabbing a beer from the fridge.