“So, it’s not some place you could bring Willow.”
“No. I need to save up some money to get us an apartment. I’d like a three bedroom, so each of the girls could have their own space, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it.”
Nodding, Beth tried to think of her next question. “Do you have a job?”
“Well, that’s in the works. I have my cosmetology license, but my friend’s niece isn’t quite as forgiving even though she claims to be a Christian. She’s worried I’ll steal from the salon or something.” She grunted with annoyance. “I told her I wasn’t convicted of theft, but she says I need to prove myself. I’m not sure how I’m gonna do that until she gives me a chance.”
“That must be frustrating.”
“Ya think?” Gola gave her a pissed-off look and it chilled her blood.
Breaking eye contact, Beth toyed with the band on her watch. She figured Gola had to learn to survive behind bars by staring people down, but it unnerved her. “So how long before you petition the courts to reinstate your parental rights?”
Gola tossed her black hair over her shoulder. “I wanted to already, but my parole officer said I have to complete six months drug and alcohol-free first. Plus I need a job and stuff. It’s such bullshit that I have to ask some stranger to give me my own kids back.”
The secretary across the room looked up when she heard Gola cuss.
Waving at the old woman, Gola blurted, “Sorry.” She tossed the magazine onto a nearby table, then dug in her small backpack for a stick of gum. She held the Juicy Fruit package toward Beth. “You want some?”
Beth shook her head. “No thanks.”
“A lot of people start smoking when they quit drinking. I figured why trade one bad habit for another? So I chose gum as my substitution.” A moment later, Gola chomped on the stick, emitting a sweet, minty scent. “How long has Willow been comin’ here?”
“Ever since I took her in a five months ago. But she was receiving services while she was in the group home before that.”
“Counseling.” She made a derisive sound with her lips. “I think it’s a bunch of hooey that rich suckers fall for. Poor people know they have to solve their own problems.”
“Like by drinking?” Beth couldn’t help but get in a dig.
“Oh, you got me there.” Gola laughed. “You think this really helps Willow?”
“Yes, I do.”
“What kind of problems can a six-year-old have anyway?”
Beth’s shoulders tensed. How dare this woman question her parenting decisions? “Before I took her in, she ran away from four different foster homes.”
“Maybe they were mean to her.”
“Maybe.” Taking a breath, she tried to ignore the pounding in her chest. She remembered hearing a kid shout “Bye, Hop-Along,” out the bus window. “The kids tease her at school.”
“That’s what kids do. They find the weakest one and attack. Same as in prison.”
“Well, it’s hard on Willow. She’s self-conscious already about her scar and limp and those kids won’t let her forget about them.”
The wrinkles around Gola’s brown eyes seemed to soften. “She was such a pretty baby, almost as pretty as her sister.” She shook her head. “For shame. It’ll be worse when she’s a teenager and none of the boys ask her out.”
Beth dug her fingernails into her palm. She hated knowing that Gola was right; she hated how no one but her saw the exquisite child behind the scar.
“Maybe she's lucky. After all, boys are nothing but trouble.” Suddenly, Gola's voice sounded as if they were best friends commiserating about men. “It only took me three marriages to learn my lesson. I’ll never get married again.”
Interesting. So Willow would be raised by a single mother either way. Would anyone really choose a poor ex-con, ex-alcoholic over Beth, a financially independent, loving foster mother? Plus she had her parents to help out. And Parker could be a father figure, when he wasn’t busy saving third world countries. She sighed in frustration over his leaving.
Gola seemed oblivious to Beth’s internal debate. “Okay. Willow gets teased at school and she ran away from crappy foster homes. Maybe she needs to learn to toughen up. It doesn’t sound like she needs therapy.”
Steeling herself, she turned toward Gola. “How about the fact that she hoards food? I have to search her sock drawer for moldy cheese. I have to check under her bed for expired Hostess donuts. No matter how much I tell her she’ll never go hungry again, she doesn’t believe me. And what about her nightmares? She wakes up screaming claiming there are cockroaches crawling over her face. Is that a normal part of childhood too?” Realizing her pitch had grown loud, Beth looked at the secretary and noticed the woman staring at them again.
The tiny Adam’s apple on Gola’s dark throat moved as she swallowed. “I was hoping she wouldn’t remember. She was so little.” Her voice sounded faint.
“Well, she remembers.”
“I was broke. I couldn’t afford a better place and the landlord didn’t care when I complained about the bugs.”
Beth wasn’t in a forgiving mood. “Are you sure you’re the best person to raise Willow?”
“I’m her mother.”
Beth felt as if she were Willow’s mother, too. But she knew that didn’t count.
“I’m gonna do better this time.”
“I hope so.” After picking up a Parents magazine, Beth crossed her legs. For the rest of the session, the only sound in the room was Gola chewing her gum.
The second the therapist’s door opened and Willow came running toward them, Beth and Gola ended their stand-off. They smiled and stood.
Willow ran into Gola’s arms first. The little girl hugged her and let Gola kiss her on the cheek.
Beth’s jaw dropped. In all of this time, Willow had never let her kiss her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
After Gola left, Beth patted the living room couch. “Willow, come here. We need to talk.”
Willow blew a bubble with the gum Gola had given her. It popped as she sat down. “What? Are you gonna quiz me on my phone number again? ‘Cause I know it. 574-555-1801.”
Shaking her head, Beth corrected the last two digits. “I’m wondering how you’re feeling now that your mother is back.”
The girl pushed her pink glasses up her nose and shrugged. “I’m happy. I didn’t think I’d ever see her again.” She chewed her gum for a few seconds. “I’m super glad she found Skye and we’re all gonna be together again.”
“About that. . . .” She wrung her hands. Could she handle knowing the answer to her next question? Was it really up to a six-year-old to decide what was best for herself? “I’m wondering if you remember what it was like when you lived with her before.”
“Kinda. I remember Skye and me playing hide-n-seek in our apartment. I would sometimes hide under my bed, but inside mom’s dresser drawer was the best spot. I could barely fit in there and Skye would never find me.”
“Did you ever hide from anyone else?”
Her face turned pale. Her blue eyes blinked a few times. “Sometimes Skye and I would hide in the closet together.”
“Why?” If she was afraid of Gola, then Beth’s decision would be easy. She would fight the woman for as long as it took. She could hire the best attorney she could find. Blood wasn’t everything. Love was.
“Momma had some mean boyfriends. Sometimes they would fight and I’d hide.”
“Did they ever hit you?”
Her eyes moved up and to the side as if searching her memory. “I don’t think so.”
“Did your mom ever hurt you?”
She shook her head, sending her black hair flipping from side to side. “Momma never hit us. Never. She loves us.”
Beth bit her lower lip so hard it almost bled. “You know I love you, too, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” Her jaw chomped on the gum while her feet started swinging back and forth.
Taking a deep breath, Beth decided to go for it.
“Willow, do you want to go live with your mother again?”
“Of course.” She smiled. “Momma, me and Skye. It’s how it was meant to be.”
Her eyes stung and she looked away so Willow wouldn’t see. Don’t cry, don’t cry.
“Can I go play now?”
Beth swallowed her tears. “Willow, you do realize that your mother lives in Tennessee. Do you know where that is?”
The girl shook her head again.
“It’s kind of far from here. If you live with her, I won’t see you anymore.” Her voice quivered, but she tried to control it.
“Can’t you come visit?”
Beth blinked quickly. “I don’t know. It’ll be up to your mom. I know I’d like to.” Would Gola welcome her to remain in Willow’s life? She couldn’t imagine. “If not, we could e-mail each other and talk on the phone.” Willow loved to talk on the phone.
When her daughter yawned, Beth told her to spit out her gum, brush her teeth and put on her pajamas. It had been a long day for both of them. Once her daughter was out of sight, she noticed her hands trembling. Willow hadn’t hesitated. She wanted to live with Gola.
After she heard the water shut off in the bathroom sink, she assumed Willow was ready for a bedtime story. She went to the room decorated with pink gingham and read Winnie the Pooh for what seemed like the millionth time. But she didn’t mind.
Willow yawned again, then turned to the first page with the map of the Hundred Acre Woods. “Show me where Tennessee is.”
Beth chuckled. “We need a map of the United States.” On the bookshelf, she saw a stack of puzzles. She went over and pulled out the one with the states. “Here’s where we live, Indiana.” Her finger traced down through Kentucky to Tennessee. “And this is where Gola lives.”
“That doesn’t look too far.” Her blue eyes beckoned her to agree.
“I know it doesn’t look far on the map, but it would take all day to drive.”
Willow’s lower lip stuck out. “But I’ll miss you. Can’t you come, too?”
Considering her answer, she pushed a lock of Willow’s dark hair behind the girl’s tiny, perfect ear. Hadn’t Alice Wilson, the foster mother from church, suggested the same thing? “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Smiling, Willow slid under the covers. “Good.”
“All I said was maybe.”
“I know when other moms say ‘maybe’ it means no. But when you say it, it usually means yes.” She smiled even bigger. “Oops. Almost forgot.” She slipped her glasses off and placed them on her nightstand.
Beth couldn’t help but smile back. She’d always been a bit of a softie with kids. “Good night. Love you.” She hugged Willow and tried to give her a peck on the cheek.
Willow dodged the almost-kiss. “Love you, too.”
After turning out the light, Beth pulled the door nearly closed. She would leave the hall light on because Willow was still afraid of the dark. Suddenly she heard it. A soft voice singing “Winnie, the Pooh” came from Willow’s room. The breath caught in Beth’s throat. Singing was another thing Willow had never done before.
Beth went to the living room and flipped on the Sci-Fi channel, but her mind couldn’t focus. There was a chance that Willow would be gone in six months or less. And Willow had made her choice. Despite the neglect, the girl had an unmistakable bond with Gola. Beth knew she shouldn’t expect a few months with her to undo all family ties. The child wanted to be with her mother and sister. And she deserved that. As long as she would be safe. Actually, no. That wasn’t enough. Beth wanted a lot more for Willow than the bottom levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy. CPS might be satisfied with only basic physiological needs being met, but Willow deserved to be nurtured until she acquired confidence and self-actualization.
Beth marched to the pantry and jerked open the doors. Desperate to quell her inner turmoil, she searched for something sweet. A forgotten piece of Halloween candy, a chocolate chip granola bar, anything. She picked up soup cans and boxes of rice, but couldn’t find anything. Just as she was pretty sure she wouldn’t. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips before she searched the freezer in vain for her old friend, ice cream.
A faint knock on her door caught her off-guard. Who could that be? Since it was night, she walked over, peered through the peep hole and her spirit soared. Flipping the deadbolt, she opened the door. “Parker!”
In his right hand, he clutched a bouquet of roses. Instinctively, she hugged him. It felt good to have his arms around her. She no longer had to hold her heavy load alone. He had strong shoulders to help.
But then anger seeped into her heart. He hadn’t been there for her while her world was falling apart.
When she loosened her grip, he handed her the red flowers. “I couldn’t find any daisies, which I know are your favorites.”
Instead of inhaling their scent, she dropped them on the coffee table. “A lot happened while you were gone.” Part of her wanted to instantly forgive him and part of her held back. He was supposed to be there for her when she was stressed, but he’d been too busy pursuing his own interests.
“I got your message about Hannah. How’s she doing?”
She gestured for him to sit in the living room and she joined him on the couch, keeping her distance. “I’ve called her a few times, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“Sure.”
“She hasn’t been writing her blog, either.” Hannah used to chronicle all of her emotions on-line: what it felt like to be adopted, how much it hurt when her adoptive father died from cancer and even the milestones of her pregnancy. But it all ended with the stillbirth.
“I wish I could’ve been there.”
“You should’ve been.” Her tone was stern. She let the quiet of the house settle around them. God, she needed chocolate. Down the hall, she heard Willow turn over in her bed. “It’s not just Hannah. Willow just told me she wants to live with Gola in Tennessee.” Tears flooded her eyes without invitation.
He scooted closer and wrapped his arms around her. “I bet that hurts.” He stroked her hair.
She pulled back to look into his warm brown eyes. “I just don’t know if I can let her go.”
“Do you think Gola has changed? Because if she hasn’t, then that’s a different story.”
Toying with her watch band, she flipped the latch back and forth. “She claims she has. But how do I know for sure?”
He shook his head. “You can’t.”
“She isn’t the kind of mother I would be, but she seems serious about doing her best. Alice Wilson said that if I think I’m a better mother just because I have money, then I’m being prejudiced.” And Beth hated to think of herself as stuck-up. It wasn’t as if she’d grown up in the lap of luxury with a pony for a pet. Her father had been a minister moving from town to town, living in whatever housing the church provided, and her mother had been a housewife until Beth had gone off to college. Then her mother earned her law degree and started working at legal aid. “I mean, Gola didn’t think Willow needed counseling, but after I explained why, she said she’d find her a counselor in Tennessee. And then she gave Willow her last pack of gum before she left tonight.”
“She sounds decent enough.” Probably jet-lagged, he struggled to stifle a yawn.
“But what if it’s all an act?” In that moment, Beth knew what to do. All that mattered was Willow’s well-being. “I’m moving to Tennessee.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. That’s the only way I’ll know if Willow’s okay. If I’m there. I can keep an eye on her and visit. I can do a more thorough investigation than any social worker or parole officer. I’m certainly more invested than a government employee.”
He cracked his knuckles. “It sounds like you plan to stalk her.”
“If that’s what it takes.”
“Let’s say you move down there. That means you have to quit your job, first of all. Then let’s say for argument’s sake, you find another good job. Eventually Gola gets tired of you
dropping by for visits. You watch Willow and determine she’s fine. She’s happy. Now you’re in Tennessee with no friends, no family. Then what?”
She stood and started walking around the room. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far.”
“That’s best case scenario, though, right? You want Willow to be happy?”
“How can you ask me that?”
“Because I’m wondering if this is more about her or you.”
She shot him a dirty look. “I care about her. I can’t help it. I’d do anything for her.”
“Do you love her enough to let her go?”
Her bottom lip was raw from all of her gnawing. “I just need to know she’s truly in good hands and then I swear, I’ll move on. I’ll have to.”
“I have an idea. Isn’t your mom down there? Maybe she could swing by and check out the neighborhood where Gola lives. Double-check that she has a job lined up and stuff.”
“Mom’s in Arkansas. Gola’s in Tennessee.”
He clapped his hands together. “Then I’ll go.”
“What?” She stopped pacing and watched as his six foot frame rose a little more awkwardly than it used to. The Huntington’s was progressing, but she tried not to think about it.
“I’m set financially. I don’t have to work, so it would be no problem for me to make a trip to Tennessee to do some investigating. Would that set your mind at ease?”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking. I’m volunteering. Here’s the thing. I could just kick myself for not being there for Hannah. I want to be here for you and Willow.”
The tightness around her chest eased a bit. Parker could go check out the hair salon where Gola claimed she had a job lined up. He could see if the woman was lying or if she was truly turning over a new leaf. “I’d like to go myself, but I’d hate to take Willow out of school.” And it didn’t make sense to leave her when their days together were numbered.
He walked closer and placed his large hands on her shoulders. “Let me do this for you.” When she nodded, he leaned down and gave her a kiss that made her muscles turn to mush. As usual, she couldn’t stay mad at him.
A Mother's Conviction (Secrets Series Book 3) Page 18