Cara lifted Kimberly’s carrier by the handle. “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the happy person I used to be. The one who woke up looking forward to each day, even when my marriage was falling apart. I was fine because I was a mother.” She wiped her damp cheeks. “I’m not anymore.”
Josh didn’t know how to respond. Insisting “once a mother, always a mother” might come off as heartless or insincere. Especially as he had two small children demanding his immediate attention.
“I should go. Get Nathan’s cut cleaned up.” He took Kimberly’s carrier from Cara and waited for her to open the gate.
“Bye-bye, horsey.” Nathan waved at the mare and her foal over Josh’s shoulder.
Outside the round pen, they stopped. Josh searched for something to say to Cara. “If you need anything...” God, that sounded trite.
“I miss him.” Her voice broke. “Every day. Every moment. So much I can’t stand it.”
“Of course you do.”
“It was a shelving unit. A stupid plastic shelving unit in the laundry room.” She wrung her hands together. “Javier was always fascinated with heights. If I didn’t watch him every second, he’d climb tables and chairs and bedposts. Once, he stacked crates in the garage and made a tower. I’d gone to Powell Ranch. Manuel was supposed to watch Javier. Later, when I got home, I found him on top of the crates. Manuel and I had a huge fight.”
“Kids do that. They’re adventurous by nature.”
“I thought Javier was napping. I’d checked on him not fifteen minutes before that. He was sleeping soundly.”
Josh said nothing, realizing she was talking about the day of the accident.
“He was a good boy. Most of the time. Always taking his nap and waiting for me to come get him when he woke up.” She paused, swallowing before continuing. “Manuel and I, we were arguing. Again. We’d separated by then and couldn’t agree on anything. Normally, I tried not to argue with Javier in the house, but Manuel insisted. He accused me of using Javier as an excuse to avoid dealing with our problems. He might have been right, to a degree.”
Josh didn’t stop her, even though the kids were restless, sensing her need to talk. “It’s tough when a marriage is in crisis.”
“We tried to reconcile. More than once. I wanted to try again. Manuel insisted on a divorce. He’d cheated on me. Twice that I know of. I’m pretty sure he was seeing someone new.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I...” She paused to compose herself. “I suddenly had this bad feeling. I can’t explain it. I just knew something was wrong. I walked out on Manuel and went to Javier’s bedroom. He yelled at me to come back, but I didn’t. Javier wasn’t in his bed.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I heard it then. A loud crash. I’ll never forget the sound. It haunts my dreams.”
“Cara.” If only Josh could hold her. If only a simple embrace would wipe away her grief.
“I ran in the direction of the crash. It came from the laundry room. When I got there...” Her trembling returned. “He was lying on the concrete floor, the shelving unit on top of him. He wasn’t moving. I thought maybe he’d had the wind knocked out of him. I screamed for Manuel, and he lifted the shelves off Javier. Then I saw the blood pooling on the floor behind his head.” Her voice lowered. “There was so much of it.”
Josh wanted to say, “Stop. Enough. Don’t put yourself through this.” But he didn’t. He wasn’t sure she’d heed him. Some stories, once started, needed to be told in their entirety.
“Manuel called 9-1-1. The EMTs came and took us all to the hospital. I kept begging them to tell me something. Anything. They just repeated over and over that they didn’t know. I’m sure they were lying to me. I remember the looks on their faces.”
“They were trying to protect you. And they aren’t doctors.”
Seeming disinterested in the adults’ somber conversation, Nathan played with the snaps on Josh’s shirt. Cara studied the boy, but it was obvious from the sorrow in her eyes, she was somewhere else, reliving that awful day.
“He had a six-inch fracture running across the back of his skull,” she said.
“My God.”
“He lived four days. He never woke up. I told him repeatedly that I loved him. I don’t think he heard me.”
Josh started to say, “He knew you loved him,” then stopped himself. He’d heard enough well-meaning but useless platitudes over the years from dealing with Trista’s addiction. He refused to subject Cara to them.
Instead, he touched her arm. “You were with him at the end. You spoke the words, felt them in your heart and took comfort from them. That’s the most you can hope for at a time like that.”
“He wasn’t gone ten minutes when the doctors approached us, asking if we would consider donating his organs. Manuel came unglued. He didn’t like the idea of them cutting open our son. But I insisted. It was important to me that Javier’s death not be entirely in vain. That some small amount of good came out of it.”
“For what it counts,” Josh said, “I agree. You made the right decision.”
Nathan patted both of Josh’s cheeks. “Daddy, want cookie.”
His demand must have galvanized Cara, for she moved away. “I need to leave.”
Like with the horse, Nathan waved. “Bye-bye, Cara.”
She didn’t wave back. She was too busy hurrying away from them.
Josh let her go. It was his guess she didn’t tell many people about Javier’s death. He was certain she hadn’t allowed another man to hold her, much less kiss her, since her divorce.
He was glad he’d been the one. Whether she realized it or not, they’d taken a huge step forward in their relationship. Soon, when she was ready, they’d take another one.
Chapter Eight
Cara wasn’t sure what upset her more, how much she’d enjoyed kissing Josh or how natural it had been talking to him.
For the first two months in her support group, she’d barely managed a “Hi, nice to meet you.” Yet with Josh, she’d blurted the entire story of Javier’s death.
There was no denying the man’s effect on her. Whether he was kissing her or being kind, she came undone. If he were smart, he’d steer clear of her. But he hadn’t and, she was starting to suspect, wouldn’t.
Even now, he waited with Summer and Teddy in the backyard. Cara’s friend had agreed to watch Nathan and Kimberly during the family meeting this afternoon. Cara suspected Josh had spotted her returning from the sanctuary and concocted a reason to linger. That would be just like him.
He wanted to see how she was doing. At least, that was what Cara told herself. He wasn’t lingering for any romantic reason. He couldn’t possibly still be interested in her after she’d walked away from him the other morning.
Except, as she neared—ignoring him and Summer would be rude—his eyes shone with concern. When he said hello, his tone implied a shared intimacy. As she joined them, he put a hand out and gave her arm the briefest of caresses.
No, it can’t be!
Something quite unsettling occurred to Cara. Josh wasn’t merely attracted to her. That she could handle. He liked her. Really, genuinely liked her. He was nice to her and made her feel attractive. His claim they were friends was sincere, and his hope they could be more than friends was written all over his face.
Whatever trouble she thought she was in before didn’t compare to now. This was serious.
“Hey.” Summer’s grin hinted at mischief. Did she suspect?
“Glad you’re here,” Josh said. “Now we can go to the meeting together.”
“Right,” Cara mumbled. “Together.” Thank goodness they’d be walking a short distance.
He turned away from her. “Thanks again for watching the kids, Summer.”
Teddy wasn’t interested in Nathan or Kimberly. He
tolerated other children as long as they gave him his space. Sitting in the grass, he hummed to himself while watching Josh with the same fascination he’d shown Wind Walker last week. Cara couldn’t remember Teddy ever having an interest in someone other than his mother and father. She’d have to ask Summer about it later.
“Anytime,” Summer said warmly.
She loved children and, as Cara knew, hoped one day to marry again and have more of her own. Sadly, finding a man willing to accept Teddy and support his many needs wasn’t easy.
Josh gave Nathan a hug. Kimberly had fallen asleep on the blanket Summer had spread out, an adorable little pile of baby.
Nathan broke away from his father and plowed into Cara, grabbing her leg. “Wanna hug,” he demanded.
Clearly he’d forgotten about her meltdown, if he’d noticed at all. Cara hesitated. Either she looked bad in front of Josh and Summer or returned the boy’s hug.
Leaning down, she pulled him close.
“Read Rabbit and Fox?” he asked, the bandage on his forehead giving him a comical, yet endearing, appearance.
He would have to tug on her every heartstring. “Maybe Summer can read to you,” she said. The cherished book lay on the blanket near Kimberly.
“No, no, no.” He shook his head vehemently. “Want you.”
“Okay. We’ll see.” Hopefully, he’d forget about the book as quickly as he’d forgotten about her overreaction to his fall. “We don’t want to be late,” she said to Josh.
Since this was official ranch business, Cara thought it important she and Josh arrive on time.
“You and your sister be good for Summer, you hear me?” Josh said.
“I be good, Daddy.” Nathan waved as Cara and Josh crossed the lawn to the house.
This time, Cara waved back, a part of her wishing she could stay behind.
“You’re looking better,” Josh commented.
Cara swallowed. She didn’t want to talk about the other morning. “Have you heard what the meeting’s about?”
“I’m guessing finances. Gabe’s been spending a lot of time in the office lately, poring over the books.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Cara.”
There it was again, the sexy, honey-infused voice that weakened her knees. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t.”
“I’m concerned. I care about you.”
“Don’t care too much, Josh. You’ll wind up disappointed. I told you earlier, I’m broken inside. A couple of intimate moments won’t magically heal me.”
He smiled. “At least you’re admitting the moments were intimate.”
They’d reached the house, preventing her reply, and entered the kitchen through the back door. Inside, Raquel prepared beverages and an assortment of goodies for the meeting. No one went hungry in her house.
“Hi, you two.” She spoke as if Cara and Josh arriving together was expected.
“Can I help?” Cara desperately needed an excuse to separate herself from Josh.
Thankfully, Raquel took her up on the offer.
Josh’s bemused expression suggested he saw through her ruse. Nonetheless, he headed to the dining room without her. A few minutes later, Cara entered, carrying a pot of fresh coffee and some mugs, which she set on the buffet. Her bad luck continued. One empty seat remained, and it was next to Josh. She refused to appear intimidated and took the seat. A short time later, Reese started the meeting.
Sitting at the formal dining room table was always an interesting occasion. For many years, Dos Estrellas had been a place of joyous gatherings. Family dinners, birthday celebrations and holiday feasts. Then, when August had become sick, the dining room had hosted somber gatherings about prognoses, treatment options and, ultimately, end-of-life care.
After his death, the dining room had again been used for family get-togethers, none of which had gone well. Josh, Cole and Gabe couldn’t have been more at odds. Cara had joined in, siding entirely with Gabe. Eventually, the brothers had united in order to battle the red nose virus that could have destroyed the cattle herd and bankrupted the ranch.
These days, family discussions centered on the ranch, the state of which was a constant concern. Cara continued to participate, less as a support for Gabe and more as an advocate for the mustang sanctuary.
Reese oversaw the ranch’s finances, which was her job as trustee of August’s estate. No one interrupted during her report on recently discovered delinquent property tax bills gone unnoticed in the chaos surrounding August’s illness and passing. For a ranch the size of Dos Estrellas, eighteen months’ worth of tax bills amounted to tens of thousands of dollars.
Adding to the problem, medical bills continued to surface, many from the experimental cancer treatment center where doctors had made a last valiant effort to extend August’s life.
In December, Cole had sold off his four championship roping horses. That money had gone to pay for the antibiotics to fight the red nose virus and all the costs associated with artificially inseminating the cows. Without healthy calves born this coming fall, Dos Estrellas had zero chance of surviving.
Needless to say, the mood of those seated at the table was glum. It worsened when Reese distributed copies of Gabe’s income projections for the next six months and a list of the outstanding bills. Lines of fatigue bracketed her eyes. The strain of her workload and caring for her ill father was obviously wearing on her. Cara admired Gabe for spending more time at the Small Change to help run the large ranch.
She also admired Josh for agreeing to fill the void created by Gabe’s absence. Yes, he had a duty to the ranch, but he also already had a lot on his plate.
“I’ve listed the bills in order of delinquency,” Reese said. “Those that aren’t delinquent and just pending are ordered by due date.”
Cara felt a little like an intruder, reading over bills that were private Dempsey business. More paperwork was distributed. The feeling of intrusion passed as the exorbitant dollar amounts left her stunned. Dying of cancer was expensive and a lot of the costs weren’t covered by health insurance.
“I suggest we pay the property taxes first,” Reese continued, “then decide what’s next on the list.”
“I agree.” Gabe nodded. “We can’t let the taxes lapse.”
Cara’s gaze went from one to the other. She thought it must be hard dating and, potentially, being on opposing sides of ranch finances.
Josh pushed his coffee away in order to make room for the papers. Taking a ballpoint pen from his pocket, he made notes as the meeting continued.
“Has anyone attempted to negotiate with some of the doctors and the cancer treatment center?” he asked. “They might be willing to accept less.”
“You think?” Gabe looked surprised.
“It’s possible. Kimberly was born a few weeks early and had some minor complications that required she be seen by a specialist. The fees were exorbitant and not covered by my insurance. I called and got the doctor to grant a discount. It wasn’t a lot, but it helped.”
Reese nodded. “That’s a good idea.”
Kimberly born premature? Cara wondered if that was because of her mother’s drug problem.
The talks progressed with Cara following closely. Once more, she was impressed with everyone’s willingness to work together toward a common goal, as well as the sacrifices they were willing to make.
Dos Estrellas was her home, too. As much her home as anywhere she’d ever lived. Surely she could do more.
For the first time, she began to question if she’d been fighting the wrong battle. Had she been selfish, insisting she keep the sanctuary when it was clear that the ranch needed every resource available for the cattle? During the past year, she’d acquired more mustangs than she had adopted out.
Maybe Josh was right. She and Raq
uel could well be homeless in the near future.
During a break in the conversation, she spoke up. “I, ah, could talk to the Powells. See if they’re willing to take back some of the mustangs. That would free up one parcel.”
“No, Cara,” Gabe objected.
Josh also vetoed her suggestion. “There are other options. You can step up adoptions. Advertise. Maybe generate interest outside the Phoenix metro area.”
“I’d thought about that.” But she hadn’t acted on it.
“You’re busy taking care of the horses. Maybe someone else can help. Volunteers.” Josh contemplated a moment. “What about the high school? You could offer an afternoon work program. That would free you up to promote adoptions.”
“That’s a good idea. Except the students would need supervision.”
“Could Violet help?”
“Let’s save this for another day,” Reese said and effectively returned them to the topic of finances.
The glum mood prevailed. How could it be anything else with the prospects so utterly dismal? The plan the brothers eventually decided on was temporary, relying heavily on the spring cattle sale—which could go either way, making or losing them money.
Cara tried to pay attention, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Josh’s suggestion. It was imperative the sanctuary cease being a drain on the ranch. That wasn’t what August had in mind when he’d left her the use of the land. There had to be something else she could do. Something with lasting impact.
At the end of the meeting, the group filed out of the dining room. Cara found herself filled with purpose. It was the best she’d felt in two years.
Well, other than when Josh had kissed her. Then, for a few minutes, she’d been her old self.
* * *
“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?” Summer asked, a glint of conspiracy in her eyes.
“I don’t know. Yet.” Cara blew out a breath. One small comment from her about doing more to increase donations, and Summer was all-in.
Come Home, Cowboy Page 11