He was confused. “Are you kidding? You were the epitome of control and took Nathan to the clinic. Handled the situation like a pro.”
“I stayed calm when Javier fell. I told Manuel to call 9-1-1 and administered first aid. It didn’t make a difference. He died anyway.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Afterward, in the hospital, I broke down. I did today, too, and before, when Nathan fell off the gate. I can’t help myself.”
He hesitated, then tried a different approach. “I know today is Javier’s birthday—”
“You think that’s what this is about? I’m upset because I’m having a bad day?”
“No. Not exactly.”
She drew back. “Your son fell and hit his head. It might have been life-threatening.”
“The nurse said he was fine. Raquel is with him now, watching him like a hawk.”
“Admit it. You think I’m overreacting.”
Josh wanted to be patient and understanding. It was starting to get difficult, especially since she seemed intent on lashing out at him. “What I think is that Nathan’s fall was a painful reminder of Javier’s, made worse by it happening on Javier’s birthday. You’re distraught, and you have every reason to be.”
In a flash, her eyes turned from sad to angry. “You’re missing the whole point.”
“Enlighten me. Please.”
Some of her bluster diminished, and her shoulders sagged. Josh was tempted to go to her. He didn’t, figuring she wouldn’t be any more receptive to his touch than she’d been when he’d first arrived.
She began haltingly. “We made a mistake. I made a mistake. This is wrong. Us. I’m not ready for a relationship.”
“You came to this conclusion because of Nathan’s fall?”
“Yes.”
For the first time since he’d arrived at the feeding station, Josh was worried. “I’m not sure what one has to do with the other.”
“I told you before. You have children. You’re a package deal. There is no dating you without your children becoming a part of my life.”
“Don’t you like them?”
“If I let myself, I could love them.”
“How is that bad?” He was hoping she felt the same about him.
“They’re babies. They need constant, reliable supervision. I’m not that person.”
“Javier’s death wasn’t your fault, and neither was Nathan’s fall.”
She shook her head. “I should have checked on him. I wanted to. Instead, I listened to Manuel.”
“Which sounds to me like Javier’s fall was his fault, not yours. He put arguing with you ahead of his son’s welfare.”
“Letting him take the blame is the coward’s way out. I was Javier’s mother,” she insisted. “It was my job to protect him. Something kept telling me to check on him, and I didn’t. That’s why he fell.”
“It was a freak accident.”
“And what if it happens again? It almost did today. I took my eyes off Nathan for a minute. A minute! The next time could be much worse.”
“Kids constantly have mishaps.”
“I’m not strong enough.” She looked away.
“So, you’re content to remain alone the rest of your life, and miss out on being in a happy relationship and being a mother, because you’re afraid something might happen?”
“Don’t belittle me.”
“I’m hardly doing that.” He paused. “But if everyone had that same attitude, we’d be living in a world full of miserable people.”
“You haven’t lost one of your children.”
“No, you’re right.” He didn’t like the tone creeping into his voice, but was unable to stop it. “I lost a dad. Twice. When I was seven and again four months ago. I lost my wife to addiction. Spent a lot of time beating myself up over that. I lost my kids twice when she ran off with them.” Josh attempted to lower his rising voice. “I don’t want to sound mean, but we’ve all experienced our share of heartache. It’s part of life. It’s also not a reason to give up on finding that someone special and falling in love.”
“You’re stronger than me. Or, you’re further along in the healing process.”
“It’s not that. I had to pull myself together for Nathan’s and Kimberly’s sakes.”
“I don’t have anyone needing me.”
Wow, that hurt. “I guess I know where I stand.”
“Josh.” She rubbed her forehead. “I’m sorry.”
He stepped forward. “You have someone who cares about you. Who wants you. Who’d like to see how deep his feelings for you go. Who’s standing right here.”
She began to cry, crumpling in front of his eyes. “I can’t.”
Can’t? Won’t? Was there any difference? She was scared. All right. But if his willingness to be her partner in their journey together wasn’t enough, he didn’t know what else he could do or what more he could offer her.
“I won’t beg, Cara, or pressure you. I want to be with you like you can’t imagine, but only if you want that, too.”
“I do, I think. But I’m not ready.”
“How long until you are?”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
Her words struck a familiar chord with Josh. “The counselor at Trista’s rehab center told me the person has to want to get better.”
“I’m not an addict.” She wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand.
“No. But the recovery process for grief isn’t much different. And until you’re ready to embrace it, we don’t stand a chance.”
She stiffened. “I’m not sure we ever had one.”
He chuckled mirthlessly. “My mistake.”
She’d given up without ever trying. The realization left Josh numb—for a moment—until anger rushed in to take its place.
“Is that what you want?” he demanded. “For this to be done with before it began?”
She swallowed. “I don’t see another way.”
Well, there was no reason to stay. Josh had opened himself to Cara and she’d kicked him to the curb.
Probably better now than later, when the hurt would be worse and the wounds deeper. This way, he’d get over her in a few days or a few weeks.
Right. Who was he kidding? Cara had become a part of him. He wouldn’t get over her anytime soon, if at all.
The short walk back to his truck was the hardest one he’d ever made. Even so, he didn’t turn around and go back to her.
Chapter Thirteen
Six people from Teddy’s learning center were at Dos Estrellas, including Summer and Teddy. Dr. Franklin Armstrong, the head of the center, had brought one of his colleagues plus another patient, a little girl—or, did they call them students?—and the girl’s mother.
Cara walked among the group, trying to make sense of everything they said. There was so much to learn. Terms, designations, phrases, acronyms, slang. Some of it sounded like a foreign language to her. The reading material Dr. Armstrong had given her remained on her bedside table, barely touched.
It wasn’t just a lack of time, though she had been busy these past ten days since the adoption fair. Rather, she’d found it impossible to concentrate.
The argument with Josh had taken a toll on Cara, draining her emotionally and physically. She felt flushed much of the time, yet she wasn’t running a fever. Food tasted bland, and she’d taken to pushing her plate away, half of her meal eaten.
After Javier died, the mustang sanctuary had become her refuge. Now it was a constant reminder of Josh, the time they’d spent together and the wonderful moments they’d shared. He’d taught her—allowed her—to put her regrets in the past and look forward to the future.
No more. Sadly, she had new regrets to replace the old ones.
Raquel had noticed Cara’s
funk and constantly fussed over her. She refused to answer the other woman’s questions, well intended though they were. Cara went out of her way to avoid Josh, but it wasn’t necessary. Lately he’d kept to himself, taking extra effort not to cross her path.
At his request, Raquel babysat the children in the apartment rather than the house, at least while Cara was there. The excuse given was the new puppy, which Josh and the kids had picked up on Wednesday from Rusty Collins. Cara didn’t question the new arrangement. Seeing the children, missing them, was almost as painful as seeing and missing Josh.
She’d hoped throwing herself into the equine therapy program would lift her spirits. It hadn’t happened yet. Maybe soon. This meeting and demonstration was their first step forward. The goal was to open early enrollment by the first of May and begin classes in May.
She sighed, not realizing how loudly until all the adults looked at her. The two children weren’t interested. They paid attention only to each other, though they didn’t interact.
“Sorry,” Cara said.
Dr. Armstrong smiled. “As I was saying, you’ll have plenty of professional help. One trained teacher for every child.”
That was right. She’d asked about assistance, picturing a group of children with special needs riding around the arena with no one except herself in charge.
“And an administrator will also be here for every session,” Dr. Armstrong’s colleague added.
Cara was giving the group a tour of the facilities, including the round pen and horse stable. She’d also introduced them to three rehabilitated mustangs handpicked for the program. Last on the tour was the makeshift riding arena constructed with Violet and Cole’s help. Josh had stayed away.
She didn’t care. When more funds rolled in, if they did, Cara would expand the sanctuary and build a permanent riding arena as planned.
If. The biggest two-letter word in the English language.
She sneaked another peek at the children. They were the future of the program, the key to its success.
“Ride, ride.” The girl tugged on her mother’s coat sleeve.
“Soon, Lexie.”
She was a bit older than Teddy and not as severely autistic. Cara should know the term, something about a spectrum. Would have known the term if she’d done her reading.
Summer smiled fondly at Lexie and patted her head. Apparently, the girl didn’t mind being touched. Another difference between her and Teddy. “Don’t worry. Cara has a special horse for you to ride.”
Teddy walked beside Summer and appeared to be sulking. Cara couldn’t be sure, though. He probably wanted to ride Wind Walker. That wouldn’t be happening. The stallion had made great progress, but was hardly a child’s mount. And, besides, Wind Walker and Hurry Up belonged to Josh, who was under no obligation to lend either of them to the therapy program.
It was for the best. The last thing Cara wanted was to be beholden to him, even for a good reason.
Earlier today, she’d readied an old gelding for Lexie, grooming him for a full hour. The saddle somewhat hid his deep swaybacked and bony frame. Not that it mattered. For the needs of the equine therapy program, a docile and trustworthy personality far outweighed good looks, and this horse was a bundle of love.
Cara had tied him to the railing inside the makeshift arena. “Here’s Astro,” she said by way of introduction.
After putting a helmet on the little girl, Cara lifted her onto the saddle and buckled the harness, then led Astro in circles and figure eights. The horse performed beautifully—slow, steady and calm.
Like Teddy had with Wind Walker, Lexie responded well to Astro. Wearing a huge grin, she patted his neck and repeated his name over and over. Dr. Armstrong and his colleague were delighted with both the horse and Lexie’s interaction. Her mother was thrilled.
“Very promising,” Dr. Armstrong announced when Cara met everyone at the gate. “I’m impressed.”
Summer beamed. Cara should have been over the moon. This was what she’d wanted, what she’d prayed for. The sanctuary would become self-sufficient. She’d be able to continue her work and provide a home for more mustangs.
Instead, she felt hollow. Had things gone differently, Josh would have been here with her, joining in the celebration.
“I’m still a little concerned about the potential for injury.” Cara had brought the subject up before. She’d yet to get Nathan’s fall out of her head; though, as Josh had predicted, the boy had made a full recovery.
Dr. Franklin nodded. “We, of course, will carry a liability insurance policy.”
“It’s not that.”
“What, then?” Dr. Franklin asked.
“I wouldn’t want any of the children to get hurt.”
“Rest assured, we’ll take every precaution. Have a safety protocol in place.”
“Accidents happen.”
Lexie’s mother’s cleared her throat, contributing for the first time to the conversation. “We have to weigh the benefits against the potential risks. I can see there’s little chance of anything going wrong. And look how happy my daughter is.”
It was true. The girl radiated joy.
The meeting finished up a short time later. Summer asked if it was all right for Teddy to visit Wind Walker in his stall. Cara couldn’t refuse her friend or the look of longing on Teddy’s face. The moment they arrived, the stallion hung his big head over the stall door and reveled in the attention.
There really was something to be said about the positive impact animals had on all people.
“What the heck is wrong with you?” Summer demanded.
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’ve been talking for the last three minutes, and you haven’t heard a single word.”
Cara’s cheeks warmed. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. The meeting was—”
“Nonsense.”
“It isn’t.”
“When are you going to tell me what happened between you and Josh? I’ve been waiting all week.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Right. Up until the adoption fair, he was all you talked about. You haven’t mentioned him once since then.”
Cara resisted at first, but Summer was relentless. Finally, Cara broke down. Starting with the night she spent in the apartment with Josh, she relayed the entire story.
“You’re nuts,” Summer said when Cara was done.
“Thanks for the support.”
“Come on. Nathan had a tumble. If I freaked out every time Teddy fell, I’d be a basket case. He has no coordination.”
Cara didn’t answer.
“Do you think you might have overreacted a tiny smidge?”
“Fine. I did. But my son died from a fall.”
“I get that, sweetie. I do. I’m not being critical, truly. Getting upset, flashing back to Javier, is completely normal. But to end things with Josh? You said yourself, he was very understanding.”
“Yes. Very.” He hadn’t done anything wrong. Cara had come to that conclusion several restless nights ago.
“Come on,” Summer coaxed. “We’ve been through plenty of counseling and support group sessions.”
Cara’s defenses started to rise. “Meaning what?”
Summer planted her hands on her hips in a not-so-subtle gesture. She was growing irritated. “Is there another reason you don’t want to get involved with Josh besides the fact that he has children who might get into a scrape or two now and again?”
“You’re reaching.”
“And you’re being intentionally obtuse.”
Cara knew what her friend was talking about, though she hated admitting it. “Manuel cheated on me, and I’m afraid it will happen again.”
Was it possible? Could she be using Javier’s death and Nathan’s falls as excuses not
to get involved with Josh when the real reason was Manuel and how much he’d hurt her?
Dammit. She was an even bigger mess than she’d thought.
“I was genuinely frightened the day Nathan got hurt.”
“I’m sure you were,” Summer said. “That day. But once you knew he was fine, weren’t you relieved?”
“I was. For a while. Then I started thinking.”
“About?”
As she spoke, her voice grew hoarse. “If Josh and I were to become involved, I’d be vulnerable again.”
“I find your choice of words interesting. Just what do you think you’re vulnerable to?”
“Panicking if Nathan or Kimberly gets hurt.”
Summer studied Cara with interest. “You didn’t panic when Lexie rode Astro earlier. She might have fallen.”
“Because it was important that everything went well today.”
“Exactly. You were motivated. Aren’t you motivated to be with Josh?”
Cara swallowed. It was surprisingly difficult. Her throat had gone completely dry. “It’s scary.”
“Josh isn’t Manuel. He didn’t cheat on his ex-wife despite all the terrible things she did to him.”
“I know.”
“You can’t have one without the other,” Summer said gently. “Falling in love is opening yourself to the other person.”
“I’m not in love,” Cara insisted.
“Are you sure? Because if you’re not, I might go after Josh myself.”
“You’d do that?”
“Why not? He’s a great guy. Good-looking. Employed. A family man with two of the cutest kids on the planet. Exactly the kind of husband material I’ve been looking for.”
“Are you serious?”
Summer laughed. “You should see the look on your face. It’s priceless.”
Cara glanced away. “Manuel betrayed me. That’s not easy to deal with.”
“And Hal walked out on me because our son is autistic. You don’t have the market cornered on feeling betrayed.”
Cara was immediately chagrined. “I’m sorry. That was thoughtless of me.”
“You have no idea what I’d give for a chance with a guy like Josh.” The laughter left Summer’s eyes, and she became teary eyed. “You’re a fool to let him go.”
Come Home, Cowboy Page 18